to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

@BoredZelda

Most people haven't been DBS checked, because most people aren't weird abusers and don't need a certificate to prove it. I would hate to be so suspicious.

Exactly. When you’ve spent as many nights as I have lying on a z bed in a kids ward with an array of men also spending the night on that ward, you’d go nuts if you were suspicious of everyone.

And we cannot be over reliant on DBS checks. They only highlight crimes that are known about. There are many criminals out there who are unknown and there’s a lot of creepy and borderline behaviour that is not unlawful, as such.

@Soontobe60

How would anyone feel if they were on a medical ward having had, say, a hysterectomy and a random male partner of another patient stayed the night?

My husband stayed with me after my hysterectomy. I was 25 years old the youngest on the ward by at least 30 years and couldn’t walk unaided due to other medical issues. I needed care and the nurses just didn’t have the time required to help me. So he stayed. No one seemed to mind, we kept the curtain pulled at night or whenever anyone asked to give others privacy. The old ladies seemed to like having him there to turn the telly over or fetch tea.

Nothing would surprise me if it's the hospital I'm think you are suggesting. When my sister was in she had to ring the bell as a male opposite was trying to force his wife into sex a few hours post birth as he wanted a son...

Ring the bell and ask if visiting is over?

My local hospital allows partners to stay post natally. I dont see any difference between this and that tbh. If the man in question seemed ok I would pull my curtain around and leave it. The staff arent blind, so Im sure theres a good reason he is there.

@Blossomtoes

Some people require specialist support

And that’s fine. Random men on maternity wards aren’t specialist support, that’s what midwives are supposed to provide. We should be making far more fuss about substandard maternity care instead of accepting it has to be provided by partners.

He could be her carer. My husband stayed with me as I wasn’t able to walk and do some personal care things and the nurses didn’t have time. You have no idea if he is a ‘random man’ or a highly trained professional.

Yanbu. I found it really distressing that a male partner stayed in the bay next to mine all night (post natally). He was rowing and then having passionate make up kisses with his girlfriend all night while their baby screamed and the staff on the ward just ignored it.

You have no idea if he is a ‘random man’ or a highly trained professional

Either way he is still a random man to the OP

Oh bum…bold fail

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer

You have no idea if he is a ‘random man’ or a highly trained professional

Either way he is still a random man to the OP

Exactly.

I was in 2wks ago for exactly the same reason as you OP. I also encountered the same issue with certain men not leaving the ward.
Some of them were sneaking in late but they did get told to leave once noticed a couple of hours later.
After my c-section the couple in the bed next to me just pretended not to understand English as soon as he was asked to leave. Staff kept telling him to leave every hour as visiting finished at 8pm but when I was discharged at midnight he was still there .

Jesus. I've never seen such a scolding gaslighty thread.

OP, and any woman on the maternity ward is entitled to dignity and privacy. OP isn't yet in labour and should be in an area for women who require antenatal care, but who aren't in labour. Women in early labour should be in another area. Those who, like OP are in for reasons like observation/antenatal problems are entitled to a good night's sleep undisturbed by chattering from visitors, male or female.

Three women a week are killed due to domestic violence. Wards have signs on the loo doors about domestic violence and signposting women/patients to help. It's highly likely that some of these men staying overnight on the wards will be undesirable characters.

Even if they aren't actual abusers, some might think it funny to take a photo of the woman opposite sleeping with her boobs hanging out or something and post it to their WhatsApp mates.

Others just snore and fart. And stick their legs wherever, no doubt tripping up the midwives as they creep around checking on the babies at night, or the poor woman the other side of the curtains who needs to stagger out of be to change her pad in the middle of the night.

It must be a nightmare for the midwives. What would happen if there was a fire - does anyone keep a headcount? Where do these men go to the loo or wash?

The wards aren't set up for double the number of occupants.

I couldn't stand it, I have no idea why people think women should put up with this.

Was she not in active labour?

After I had an emergency C section there was a man on our ward and he was fucking awful. I felt so vulnerable anyway having him there was the worst.
The staff didn’t seem to be able to do anything and he was giving them he’ll saying his DP needed him, and she wept and wailed the whole time too. Awful.

He walked about, peered through gaps in the curtain, demanded attention from the staff, he even ate his DPs food then complained she didn’t have enough food.

OP I am sorry you are feeling distressed about the husband / partner staying but I am sure there is a good reason. It would be better if they could have a separate room. I bet they wish it too.

Just to say that my sister had a baby lying transverse and she had to be taken 35 miles in an ambulance. He turned on the journey amazing everyone and she delivered him without any difficulty so I hope the same happens for you.

I had to stay all night in A&E as there were no beds available and I had very high blood pressure( not pregnant) and a few bays along someone had five friends with her. They were there most of the night cracking jokes and taking selfies to update their Facebook. I couldn’t sleep for them they treated it like a night out. I did ask a nurse why they were there and she said they couldn’t ask them to leave. She did ask them to be quieter but the minute she left they started again. Unless it is a life/ death situation I don’t think people should have more than one person in A&E at night. The staff must have been fed up too. Bet Matron would have shifted them!

Ex midwife here. It definitely wasn't allowed in my day and I think it's all kinds of wrong, just awful.

But I'm thinking of a particular patient...

In advance of having her baby she sent a four page A4 typed letter explaining why she had to sleep in total darkness and complete silence. She would never be able to sleep in a room where any baby might wake up at any time. She must be prioritised for one of the single rooms which were then available for a small fee, if they hadn't been allocated for medical reasons, eg a still birth.

As luck would have it none of those rooms were available when she had her baby.

After she had gone home we received a six page A4 typed letter of complaint about the noise, disturbance, unavailability of one of the single rooms, failure to prioritise her needs etc.

I just wonder what sort of letter she would write after a stay on a modern maternity ward with snoring, farting, arguing, FaceTiming, gawping men all around her.

Quite a lot more than six pages worth I am sure.

"Random men on maternity wards aren’t specialist support, that’s what midwives are supposed to provide."

Midwives may not be able to provide the type of specialist support required. They are specialists in midwifery not everything.

No. You have absolutely no rights to be told of a woman is vulnerable.

And why not, in this case? It's not like she's alone if she has a carer.

I absolutely think women should be informed if an unrelated man is on their ward. They're all fucking vulnerable.

Hearing what now seems acceptable in maternity hospitals makes me grateful for having had my babies in the 80s. Birth partners were obviously on the labour wards but visiting was strict otherwise. Fathers were allowed in slightly longer than other visitors but everyone was out by 8p.m. I had a very traumatic birth with one and was in for a week following and would not have appreciated fathers on the ward whilst being treated by doctors etc. I didn't expect my husband to be allowed to stay even though it was a difficult time. No apologies for sounding like the Boomer I am but the system worked then and any C.Fs would have been given short shrift by the midwives.

I feel so much better now knowing that this is hospital policy and not special rules being made for some or anything creepy going on“

“Anything creepy going on”?

Just what the fuck? Listen to yourself.

This thread is mental.

@MathersonC

My sister complained when she’d had a hysterectomy and in the next bay a woman was accompanied by her partner for interpreting purposes. She complained it wasn’t appropriate with ladies in various states of undress due to surgeries and she felt uncomfortable and he was asked to leave which I feel was appropriate in the circumstances.

Absolutely shocking - how is this in any way "appropriate"? That poor lady just left unable to communicate

Poor bloke is simply with his gf/wife awaiting their new baby and you're accusing him of being creepy! 🙄

Just to add to the above reasons people have given as to why a visitor may be able to stay... I was in hospital last year and one of the wards I stayed on had a no visitor policy. However, because I had a 2 month old, breastfed baby at the time, my husband was allowed to visit with baby every day for breastfeeding and to collect my expressed milk. So keep an open mind about these things :)

TricolourCat

I think all women feel vulnerable when pregnant and in hospital to some extent and I wouldn’t be happy with men staying over in the ward. The nurses should have given some explanation especially if other partners have to leave”

If other partners have to leave but one doesn’t, there’s very obviously a bloody good reason.

So many heartless people on this thread.

I'm on the fence with this one. I've had births where I was fine on my own and others where a bit of help would have been lovely.

Our hospital would only let dh visit us for 2 hours a day on the ward in August. I'd had a c-section with scar rupture and heavy blood loss, I struggled to stand so taking care of a baby solo was not the easiest. Had twins via c-section pre-covid and dh had the option to stay overnight but didn't want to as he had his leg in a cast , that was c-section too. I had a private room after those, our eldest 3 were vb's 2 shared space and 1 private room. I can't relax at hospital and am always desperate to get home ASAP.

EveningOverRooftops

MrsSkylerWhite
EveningOverRooftops“

I understand why you did not want your baby’s father on the ward.

Other fathers were there supporting their partners, though.

Do you really think they should all be banned because of your personal experience?

“Yes.”

Sorry, but your opinion is - obviously - skewed. You made bad personal decisions which led to you being in fear of your baby’s father. That’s awful for you.
Thankfully, it doesn’t inform public policy though and mothers to be in difficult, traumatic circumstances who need the support of their baby’s fathers will continue to receive it.