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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
EllaVaNight · 19/02/2022 22:17

MrsSkylerWhite I was quoting the OP and explaining that my partner and I had some normal conversations and did some normal things to have a break from the overwhelming grief of being induced knowing my baby was dead. But please, do tell me again how I have no idea...

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:18

HelloDulling

“Send men away”? For Christ’s sake, they are the child’s father, not the enemy. I’m amazed any of these babies were conceived, with the level of distrust of men on this thread

Context is all. In my previous sentence, which you omitted to copy, I mentioned my husband being sent home at 8pm, and that was clearly what I was referring to. Drawing on my own experience, and concluding that it was the best thing to do.

There’s no need to be so dramatic. The men will still be fathers after a night in their own bed“

We’ll jolly good for you, that you were well enough that your husband could be @sent away” at 7pm.

Not everyone is so fortunate and complaining about a father, shock, horror, being allowed to remain on ward when OP has no idea whatsoever of the circumstances is just, plain wrong. If it was good enough for the staff, that’s it. None of her business, either.

EllaB22 · 19/02/2022 22:18

I can see both sides here, why not ask the nurse tonight why he is allowed to stay? And if there is a valid reason perhaps ask to move?

elenacampana · 19/02/2022 22:18

My husband stayed with me in November, it was special circumstances and I wouldn’t have shared why with you. No one else was asked for their consent, it was the call of the head midwife.

Chakraleaf · 19/02/2022 22:19

My husband has ALWAYS stayed in hospital with me if I ever had to stay a night

Mo1911 · 19/02/2022 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

stillsleeptraining · 19/02/2022 22:19

It's possible he's a CF. When I had DC during lockdown, DH was allowed in for an hour once a day at visiting times, but other women had DHs who just didn't leave or somehow got it. It was all very loose (and I didn't like it at all). I was in a big London hospital

Jijithecat · 19/02/2022 22:21

The rules are evidently different in all hospitals. Partners were only allowed in the delivery room out of hours and during visiting hours only in the post natal ward in the hospitals that I have given birth in.
This doesn't prevent chancers from trying their luck. After my first DC's birth the nurses kicked out a man who had been sleeping in his partner's bed whilst the mother had had to make do with the chair despite not long having given birth.
I think it would be reasonable for you to ask for the situation with partners staying to be clarified.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:21

EllaVaNight

MrsSkylerWhite I was quoting the OP and explaining that my partner and I had some normal conversations and did some normal things to have a break from the overwhelming grief of being induced knowing my baby was dead. But please, do tell me again how I have no idea...“

My sincere apologies. I misread and thought your quote was your opinion. I understand and I apologise wholeheartedly.

EveningOverRooftops · 19/02/2022 22:21

@MrsSkylerWhite

I didn’t have a partner. I gave birth alone and was subjected to several inconsiderate men and had a traumatic birth and nearly died.

What should I have done?”

Focussed on yourself. It’s not the fault of the men there supporting their partners that you were there alone. Don’t suppose you were of the slightest concern to them, as their partners were giving birth.

Actually I was.

But the man that kept pulling the curtain back as I was trying to establish breastfeeding made me uncomfortable especially as I had to spend a week hand expressing after having a scan requiring radioactive material that was harmful for my baby because I had a suspected blood clot and they were worried my low oxygen levels were due to a pulmonary embolism. It made establishing my milk supply and breastfeeding harder.

There there was the man with his partner grossed out I was having a much needed blood transfusion and made it know i should be somewhere else. Did I mention I lost several pints of blood during an emergency Caesarian? The midwives thought I should be moved. Personally the visitor that didn’t want to see bags of blood should’ve fucked off.

And the time I they had to hit the emergency alarm, get me hooked up to all kinds of stuff as I stopped breathing and was having a hypo because of the infection and the visitors complained they had to leave the bay. Visitors got agitated because I was having a medical emergency?

So please, tell me how else I could’ve focused on myself when my very body was being subjected to invasion by unwelcome and frankly disgusting men when I was at my most vulnerable, almost dying, naked at times and trying my damn best to care for a newborn baby and hope I didn’t fucking die. Because I nearly did twice. And the fear and panic when I stopped breathing and being able to hear those visitors make a fuss hasn’t gone away and makes me absolutely disgusted the patients medical needs aren’t prioritised on maternity wards in the same way they are in others.

Oh and to top it off my own ex partner had to be banned from the ward as he attempted to visit and got aggressive because I was rightly put in isolation - suspected MRSA - and my baby was put in the nursery to be cared for by midwives and they didn’t allow visitors unless I was there.

Now can you see why men would be unwelcome, unwanted and completely inappropriate on a womens post natal ward?

MathersonC · 19/02/2022 22:21

My sister complained when she’d had a hysterectomy and in the next bay a woman was accompanied by her partner for interpreting purposes. She complained it wasn’t appropriate with ladies in various states of undress due to surgeries and she felt uncomfortable and he was asked to leave which I feel was appropriate in the circumstances.

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 22:22

I can see why you're ex, sounds like it was the correct decision

Maternity care was far, far better for women when midwives were like her. It’s a thousand pities there are so few of them left.

Mo1911 · 19/02/2022 22:23

Why are men always portrayed as awful predators? It's absolutely ridiculous that this poor bloke is being discussed as a threat to all women when all he's doing is supporting his partner. I'm so sick of hearing how men and boys have to be "educated" on how to tiptoe around women so they feel "safe". Women have so much power now, it's far from equal and men and boys have it very tough.

Get a grip ladies, not all men are the devil and not all women are angels.

Cheekypeach · 19/02/2022 22:24

Women have so much power now, it's far from equal and men and boys have it very tough.

Not enough power to make their wards single sex it seems

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:26

EveningOverRooftops“

I understand why you did not want your baby’s father on the ward.

Other fathers were there supporting their partners, though.

Do you really think they should all be banned because of your personal experience?

sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2022 22:26

@Mo1911

Why are men always portrayed as awful predators? It's absolutely ridiculous that this poor bloke is being discussed as a threat to all women when all he's doing is supporting his partner. I'm so sick of hearing how men and boys have to be "educated" on how to tiptoe around women so they feel "safe". Women have so much power now, it's far from equal and men and boys have it very tough.

Get a grip ladies, not all men are the devil and not all women are angels.

Oh come on, now. Talk about jumping the shark.
elenacampana · 19/02/2022 22:26

@MathersonC

My sister complained when she’d had a hysterectomy and in the next bay a woman was accompanied by her partner for interpreting purposes. She complained it wasn’t appropriate with ladies in various states of undress due to surgeries and she felt uncomfortable and he was asked to leave which I feel was appropriate in the circumstances.
Not appropriate for the woman left unable to communicate. I’d never have done that to her.
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:27

Cheekypeach

Women have so much power now, it's far from equal and men and boys have it very tough.

Not enough power to make their wards single sex it seems“

Why should maternity wards be single sex? The child has a mother and a father.

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 19/02/2022 22:27

I completely agree @Mo1911 I really needed my dh there to support me. He was worried about not only me but his baby too and wanted to know everything that was happening. Are female partners considered acceptable? On the other hand it's a shame some feel so uncomfortable with it. I don't know how you please everybody though.

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 22:29

It’s quite unbelievable to me that as women we’re so protective of our single sex spaces when they’re changing rooms or toilets but so cavalier when it’s a maternity ward. If you think men don’t belong in some single sex spaces, they don’t belong in any of them.

EveningOverRooftops · 19/02/2022 22:32

@MrsSkylerWhite

EveningOverRooftops“

I understand why you did not want your baby’s father on the ward.

Other fathers were there supporting their partners, though.

Do you really think they should all be banned because of your personal experience?

Yes.
MarineBlue33 · 19/02/2022 22:32

This happened when I was in hospital - I put a complaint in. I suggest you find out why he is there and also complain

Stath · 19/02/2022 22:33

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer

I think most of the problem is the absolutely shocking state of maternity wards

Cuts, lack of staff, antiquated wards etc

THIS
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:34

Blossomtoes

It’s quite unbelievable to me that as women we’re so protective of our single sex spaces when they’re changing rooms or toilets but so cavalier when it’s a maternity ward. If you think men don’t belong in some single sex spaces, they don’t belong in any of them“

Usually, a man and a woman are involved in the production of a child. Why should one of them be barred from the place of birth?

Stath · 19/02/2022 22:35

@MrsSkylerWhite

Cheekypeach

Women have so much power now, it's far from equal and men and boys have it very tough.

Not enough power to make their wards single sex it seems“

Why should maternity wards be single sex? The child has a mother and a father.

Because a maternity ward, by definition, is for WOMEN who have gone through a medical/physiological process and are THE PATIENTS Confused

Jesus fucking Christ.

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