to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

@salsmum

It could be that it's a high risk baby and they have been moved from their local hospital to this one ( better equipped for premature delivery etc). The woman may even be a prisoner and their was no women prison wardens available at short notice. I'm sure there's a good reason for his presence.

😂😂😂😂😂

Thanks for reassuring me!

@Sirzy

There will be a reason he has been allowed to stay. Ideally though that should be in a side room for the sake of everyone involved.

Not necessarily. I had a couple like this. Obviously thought they were above the rules. They were talking all night, yes the woman was in pain, so was everyone. He was asked to leave. Some people are just cheeky, which is probably more likely.

"I’d maybe ask a midwife discreetly what was going on."

If he is the male on the ward then clearly there is a good reason why he is there and the midwife won't tell you it.

Of course there are a few exceptions where someone needs someone with them but the majority are people don’t really need to be there. It’s a nice to have of course but the NHS don’t have the space to give everyone a nice to have. A friend of mine gave birth a few years ago and the selfish people using women’s showers, kids being brought in and playing peek a boo with the curtains, bringing stinking take aways, coming into her space and taking her chair etc made her leave early and discharge herself.

If you really want space, your partner there etc I would consider saving and funding a private room but the NHS is not going to give us all these nice to have things anytime soon.

TIN HAT AT THE READY BTW.

@JustAnotherPoster00

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay

So you're jealous that her husband could stay and yours couldn't? You'd have happily put other women in the position you're currently decrying if your husband was able to stay?

I think that's pretty fair. Unless there's a reason, why should they have their partner and not everyone else? It's not snitching it's fairness to ask the midwife if that's allowed

"He was asked to leave."

Presumably because he wasn't sticking to the behaviour rules in the ward not because he didn't have a good reason for being there in the first place.

The woman may even be a prisoner and their was no women prison wardens available at short notice.

As the partner of a prison officer I can tell you with certainty that this is extremely unlikely to be the case. Firstly any hospital bed watches from prison are manned by two officers, not one. And secondly for only male officers to accompany a female prisoner to a maternity ward would be extremely, highly unusual.

I have updated the thread last night....I spoke to a midwife and asked what the visiting policy was. She said if you are being induced or in labour partners are allowed to stay the whole night.

So I just assume this woman is being induced and that is why he is here.

It made me feel better that this doesn't seem to be a breach of rules and more in line with the hospital policy.

I still only slept 3 hours last night. This was partly caused by my own nerves, partly because the woman and her partner were whispering and shifting, making noise all night.

They probably thought they were considerate whispering, but when you're awake whispering can be so loud.

I had my first child in August 2020 in the same hospital. Back then the policy was different, partners could only join whilst in established labour and had to leave immediately after the birth. They also couldn't visit on the postnatal wards.

There were definitely upsides to this, women were chatting to each other and supporting each other. That was definitely nice, now everyone is just behind their curtain, avoiding looking at each other.

Still, it was hugely traumatising not having my husband for support on the postnatal ward.

I wouldn't have wanted him to stay with me all night, just some hours during the day. I had a 2 litre blood loss during delivery and it was so difficult looking after a newborn by myself. I really think the 5 days by myself with a newborn on the postnatal ward being so poorly gave me PTSD and it took me longer than usual to bond with my son.

My oldest is 27 and my youngest 10, with 3 of them I was in hospital for quite a while before theyvwere born and men have always been able to stay under certain circumstances I remember some being there when I was in with my eldest and the 10 year old

There was a man with his wife the whole week I was in with my 10 year old although they did end up with a side room. She said she had already been there for weeks, high risk pregnancy and she had anxiety so he stayed the whole time

Some of them were really bloody annoying, they don't all try to respect other women's privacy or the fact they would quite like to get some bloody sleep!

Hope everything goes well op, I was in for the same as you when pregnant with my 10 year old

@Sleepyblueocean

"He was asked to leave."

Presumably because he wasn't sticking to the behaviour rules in the ward not because he didn't have a good reason for being there in the first place.

That's why you ask isn't it. Nobody wants a visitor male or female disturbing out of hours and it's unfair on everyone else

"So I just assume this woman is being induced and that is why he is here."

In the hospital I gave birth in those in for monitoring were in different bays from those being induced / in labour so men in the ward were less of an issue.

But one thing that’s for
Sure... when someone is going through a
Traumatic time (still birth etx) they really should not be on the same ward as the mothers with their babies

@Annoymouser2

That woulds be fine if it was single room but a tad selfish if in a room with 3 other women. I work in a hospital and i can count on 1 hand people not in single rooms who had visitors be allowed to stay over night but with curtains drawn as no single rooms were available and the person was dying. So unless she is dying or at risk of dying he really has no right to be there

While I agree that having men on a female ward is not good practice, you are incorrect about “no right to be there”. People with complex and additional needs that the hospital cannot or will not meet are fully entitled to reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act. In my experience, hospitals prefer a family member or paid carer because it eases their pressures and their budgets.

I’m sorry about your experience with your first DC. It sounds similar to my experience with DD, also in August 2020.

Frankly if anything it’s made me more pro partners being allowed on the ward, the staff were so horribly stretched and if DH had been able to stay with us I’m sure I wouldn’t have wound up with such trashed mental health after my 4 day stay. But I know it’s a very divisive topic.

People with complex and additional needs that the hospital cannot or will not meet are fully entitled to reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act. In my experience, hospitals prefer a family member or paid carer because it eases their pressures and their budgets.

Yes it is common for people with eg dementia or learning difficulties or other specific problems requiring full time care to have their carer with them in hospital and normally they would be accommodated in a single room, certainly at the hospital where I work.

However I think it's rather strange to assume that a woman on an antenatal ward has this level of need, or even, as one pp suggested, a prisoner accompanied by a warden. Not saying it's not possible but it's the least likely scenario and if any of that was the case they ought to be in a single room though maybe the hospital doesn't have single rooms available.

Where I live men aren't allowed to stay in pre or post natal wards where there are shared rooms, they can only stay if you get a single room. When I was in with my 3rd there was a very distressed woman in the other bed, 2 of us in a four person room, the nurse told her husband he'd have to leave at 10pm, even with me saying I was happy for him to stay as she was really struggling they still made him leave.

If you are uncomfortable of course you should speak to them about it and ask what the policy is and inform them you feel vulnerable sharing a room with a man you don't know. It's a very reasonable ask in my mind to not be sharing your room with a male stranger. If he is allowed to stay for whatever reason and that makes you feel unsafe it's very reasonable to ask to be moved if there's any other beds available. You deserve to feel comfortable during your stay.

Men weren't allowed to stay when I had my dd 18 years ago and that suited me . I'd hate there to be men everywhere when I was at my most vulnerable . IMO they have no place on a ante or post natel ward overnight!

Just to comment on your post that they were happy and chatting so that's why they probably weren't experiencing a loss - when I had a stillbirth my husband and I went to hospital to give birth, it was incredibly sad but we did also try to chat and keep upbeat, we even joked a little bit, it was a coping measure I guess.

Not saying that's what was happening in your situation but please try to be open minded that people do react differently to how you expect in those kind if situations.

@isthisnormal12 - If you're not getting enough sleep you can approach the nursing staff and tell them it is because you can't get to sleep due to these people 'whispering' all night. Ask to be moved. Worst case scenario, they'll say no they can't move you. Best case scenario, they'll move you and you won't have to listen to them anymore.

Good luck!

@CovidCorvid

The maternity ward where I work now let’s partners stay overnight for both antenatal and postnatal women. So small multi bedded bay now with twice as many people, snoring blokes in chairs next to the beds. Covid has put a stop to it for now but sure it’ll return.

Before it was allowed there would always be some women where an exception would be made for a genuine reason and we’d try where possible to move to a side room but didn’t always have space. Then there were the partners who would hide behind the curtain/in the loo and try to stay the night without being seen. Or the ones who point blank refused to leave and threaten to batter you when told to leave and you ring security who say they can’t help. 🤷‍♀️

Exact same experiences for me.

I am absolutely opposed to men staying overnight on female wards. It doesn’t matter that your husband is terribly nice. To everyone else in the bay he is a random man on the other side of a curtain whilst you are having vaginal examinations/ bleeding/ shuffling to and from the loo to change pads/ in early Labour.

Don’t get me started on the postnatal ward. One (very small) reason for my elective section was that I could not tolerate vaginal examinations on a bay behind a curtain with men milling about.

How has it come to this.

I went without a meal on a post natal ward as my meal was given to a husband who looked at the HCA with puppy-dog eyes!

I absolutely agree @AgathaMystery. In labour with DS, posterior, waters had broken, G&A not working, I had a curtain between me and a family of 4 with two small children playing. I am quite sure labour would have progressed more quickly if I had been allowed the dignity of privacy. Transferring me to a labour room, however, meant I had to have a midwife dedicated to me. They were having much too much fun at the nurse's Station. It was Christmas Eve and there were only two babies born that night/morning so they were hardly busy.

As soon as I was in a private space I could relax and labour and DS arrived about 2.5 hours later. I went from zero to 8cm in about an hour.

It's difficult though because all patients in hospital now seem to need a carer with them to provide for their basic needs.

Totally agree AgathaMystery

Also re exceptional circumstances like still birth such a case REALLY ought to be in a single room and away from postnatal Mums.

Not saying it doesn't happen, I don't know the layout of all the maternity units in the UK and even with good provision it could be a case of the only bed available but it definitely shouldn't happen unless there is no other alternative.

I'm sure it's unlikely this is the scenario in OPs case.

@ShamedBySiri

Totally agree AgathaMystery

Also re exceptional circumstances like still birth such a case REALLY ought to be in a single room and away from postnatal Mums.

Not saying it doesn't happen, I don't know the layout of all the maternity units in the UK and even with good provision it could be a case of the only bed available but it definitely shouldn't happen unless there is no other alternative.

I'm sure it's unlikely this is the scenario in OPs case.

In my unit we would never ever expect a woman pregnant with a dead baby to be house on the antenatal ward in a bay. Before we got a dedicated suite for these families we moved heaven and earth to give them privacy.

That said, when you are the woman in hospital it’s okay to Center yourself. You don’t have to think about others. It’s okay to be self centred when you are in hospital and not want random blocked sleeping next to you, no matter the reason.

As women we are conditioned to be thoughtful and out others first. It’s okay to put yourself first.

I think you are being overly precious. You have no idea what they are going through. If your future child has to stay in hospital at any point, you will have to sleep in wards with dads also sleeping in there.