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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Ibizan · 20/02/2022 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AladdinPrincess999 · 20/02/2022 06:18

My husband stayed with me on the pre natal and post natal ward.

chinateapot · 20/02/2022 06:57

@Somuchgoo yes I was thinking of children in hospital too, have spent many a night on a camp bed with a wide variety of other parents in the same room.

Sleepyblueocean · 20/02/2022 07:06

People's complaints should be about why are there not enough individual rooms for people that require someone with them and why are there not enough carers for those that require them ( where the carer doesn't need to be a relative) so that relatives are not forced to stay overnight.
It should not be moaning about the person who requires someone with them and saying (directly or indirectly) they should be left to suffer.

Rosehugger · 20/02/2022 07:10

Ahh yes, all those entitled, predatory men, itching to stay the night on a maternity ward

A significant proportion of men are entitled and predatory, so there will.always be risks if men are allowed to stay overnight on wards.

ShamedBySiri · 20/02/2022 07:29

Can someone tell me where all these men go to the loo and wash?

Since most if not all maternity units have been built in the expectation of catering for mothers only as patients there must be a shortage of provision or is it a free for all?

Somuchgoo · 20/02/2022 07:32

@chinateapot

Its not the men that annoy me, but the woman that has been loudly milling round since 5.30 am, with no effort to keep her child quiet,

Or the dad who stayed asleep whilst his child was shouting for him. It woke every parent apart from dad.

The mere presence of a penis isn't a problem, it's the behaviour that can come attached to any genitals.

20viona · 20/02/2022 07:53

2019 so pre covid but all the womens partners stayed all night on the pre natal ward, couldn't of cared less.

CovidCorvid · 20/02/2022 07:59

@ShamedBySiri

Can someone tell me where all these men go to the loo and wash?

Since most if not all maternity units have been built in the expectation of catering for mothers only as patients there must be a shortage of provision or is it a free for all?

In my hospital they have to use the visitors loo off the ward. So a lot of time is spent buzzing men in and out the ward and checking who they are.
chinateapot · 20/02/2022 08:02

@Somuchgoo with you there. And the people who use the kids TV to watch police camera action or something similar with the volume up loud and totally ignoring the headphones provided….

Hope your little one is better soon and you can escape

SimplyAmy1 · 20/02/2022 08:04

I think YABU. You don’t know her situation….. my partner was allowed to stay with me for various reasons, but we did have our own room

MamaTutu2 · 20/02/2022 08:07

@isthisnormal12 the womens allows partners to stay overnight. I have a couple of friends who chose to give birth there for that reason.

ouchmyfeet · 20/02/2022 08:08

[quote chinateapot]@Somuchgoo yes I was thinking of children in hospital too, have spent many a night on a camp bed with a wide variety of other parents in the same room.[/quote]
That's not the same at all. Parents need to be in hospital with their children. Grown adults do not need their partners to stay overnight to the detriment of others. I have been that parent many times and I have also been the woman on the post natal ward feeling worn out, emotional, hormonal and incredibly exposed. Trying to learn to breastfeed or just to sleep, surrounded by inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious men.

The two situations really aren't comparable. The vast majority of adults on a children's ward are supportive, caring and considerate. They are concerned about the children and their actions demonstrate that. A significant minority of overnight visitors on the postnatal ward are the absolute opposite, which is equally clear from their actions.

Sleepyblueocean · 20/02/2022 08:11

"That's not the same at all. Parents need to be in hospital with their children."

Some adults require carers.

ANP2020 · 20/02/2022 08:15

Vulnerable patient and he is carer, power of attorney, or the baby is unwell ie going to be still born, less chance of survival and they’re inducing with this knowledge.

hugr · 20/02/2022 08:16

To those saying about private rooms - when I had preeclampsia and was being monitored before I gave birth I was not allowed a side room because of my high risk of serious complications.

hugr · 20/02/2022 08:18

@hugr

To those saying about private rooms - when I had preeclampsia and was being monitored before I gave birth I was not allowed a side room because of my high risk of serious complications.
And whilst I didn't have my husband with me because of covid, it really would have been comforting in the scariest, lowest period of my life. Overnight was the worst.
Sitchervice · 20/02/2022 08:31

The rules in our labour ward were 9 till 9. I was in agony and my husband was not allowed to stay with me. Not until I went to delivery suite. If there had been a man on the labour ward when my husband couldn't stay I would have spoken up.

Its not one rule for one one rule for another.

Sitchervice · 20/02/2022 08:33

I'd also like to point out, I also had my own room due to complications. Husband still wasn't allowed to stay.

GrendelsGrandma · 20/02/2022 08:34

When I had my firstborn I was knackered after a three day labour ending in c section. Then I had problems breastfeeding. Carpal tunnel meant I could barely use my hands.

I was put on a three hour feeding routine, to breastfeed DC, then offer a top up bottle of expressed milk (in the early days we did this by syringe not bottle), then pump more milk. Then sterilise the pump and bottles for the next feed. Obviously then I'd need to change, burp, settle DC and attempt some sleep myself before the whole thing began again.

I could not have done it without DH being there with me on the ward. I would have needed far more nursing resource than was available. I couldn't have sterilised the kit myself as the baby's cot wouldn't fit in the sterilising room, she was supposed to be with me at all times and I could barely stand. DH giving the bottle while I pumped meant I could get a little bit of sleep rather than none.

Really I think it's about money - they either need to have enough private rooms for men to stay in with partners or have enough nurses to do the jobs partners currently do.

ElliotGoss · 20/02/2022 08:35

When did it become normal for visitors to stay on the ward? DH wasn't allowed to stay with me and DD in 2017 but there was definitely a snoring farting man when DSis had DN in 2018.

Sleepyblueocean · 20/02/2022 08:35

"Its not one rule for one one rule for another."

It is the same rule for all - if you have particular circumstances then someone can stay with you.

Broads93 · 20/02/2022 08:38

Yeah I wouldn't feel comfortable either OP. Women aren't safe anywhere in this day and age, never mind trying to sleep in an enclosed, strange place with a random guy lurking about.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/02/2022 08:44

@Mo1911

Why are men always portrayed as awful predators? It's absolutely ridiculous that this poor bloke is being discussed as a threat to all women when all he's doing is supporting his partner. I'm so sick of hearing how men and boys have to be "educated" on how to tiptoe around women so they feel "safe". Women have so much power now, it's far from equal and men and boys have it very tough.

Get a grip ladies, not all men are the devil and not all women are angels.

No of course not.

But i wouldn't feel safe, being seriously unwell, post surgery, still largely anaesthetised as I'd had an epidural, in the dark with an unknown man a few feet away.

How EXACTLY should i rest and feel ok?

Essentially i should just 'hope for tbe best?'

Don't forget much sex abuse of patients has taken place behind curtains wjth others in earshot.

The most obvious Savile.

JustDanceAddict · 20/02/2022 08:49

Seems odd to me. I was in hospital for the same reason as you and there were strict visiting times. This was 18 years ago though.
I’d maybe ask a midwife discreetly what was going on.