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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Meh2020 · 20/02/2022 01:10

I think this thread is slightly bonkers. This is the NHS we are talking about - a massive organisation so underfunded in every single area of treatment and care. Some of the comments come across as though NHS maternity care should be like the Portland Hospital or similar.

OP - is this your first baby? I am only asking that because I was also quite shocked at being on wards with other husbands/partners staying but completely get that they too want to be part of that experience, whether there are medical issues or not. That is the way it is - I think it’s known as parental equality.

Appreciate you haven’t had your baby yet so circumstances are slightly different for you but after reading all the comments on this thread about entitled, predatory, males would you now have your partner to stay even if he could?

I am sure the other woman is in a very different set of circumstances to you and it must be quite serious if her husband/partner has been allowed to stay. I think that would make me feel grateful that a) I wasn’t in her position and 2) that whilst the NHS is on its knees you are still being cared for in a hospital with ready access to treatment and intervention if needed.

Clymene · 20/02/2022 01:16

No, it isn't the 'way it is' and nor should it be.

Men don't belong on maternity wards - pre or post-natal. Not ever.

Clymene · 20/02/2022 01:18

And what we should be fighting for is great maternity care for all women. Delivered by HCPs, not partners.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/02/2022 01:20

Clymene

No, it isn't the 'way it is' and nor should it be.

Men don't belong on maternity wards - pre or post-natal. Not ever.”

Why?

Lost count of the posts on this site complaining about useless fathers who have no interest in their children.

But their presence at the maternity unit is an abomination, apparently.

Meh2020 · 20/02/2022 01:21

Luckily each NHS trust can decide on their policies so that in circumstances, such as the many detailed on this thread, women can be supported by their husband/partner if they choose to be.

Meh2020 · 20/02/2022 01:26

@Clymene

And what we should be fighting for is great maternity care for all women. Delivered by HCPs, not partners.
You can fight if you want but actually I see no problem with partners/husbands being allowed to stay to provide support.

Even in the best of circumstances HCPs can only provide so much support and for many the emotional support provided by someone they know and love is equally as important and shouldn’t be denied.

I feel like this thread is holding Call the Midwife as the baseline standard…

Annoymouser2 · 20/02/2022 01:27

That woulds be fine if it was single room but a tad selfish if in a room with 3 other women. I work in a hospital and i can count on 1 hand people not in single rooms who had visitors be allowed to stay over night but with curtains drawn as no single rooms were available and the person was dying. So unless she is dying or at risk of dying he really has no right to be there

Annoymouser2 · 20/02/2022 01:31

Women need rest before child birth, they cant rest if a male stranger is there chatting away late at night, its selfish and unfair and stressful for other women there. Unless all their partners are allowed to stay overnight then none should be there
Mho

zeg3885 · 20/02/2022 01:45

I gave birth in the pandemic when no one was allowed on the ward, (compared to my first dc) it was lovely for all of the mams in my bay, just us and the babies, sleeping/feeding with not a care or need to do this discreetly, we actually bonded, staff also said it was so much nicer for them being able to be more involved with mams & babies, breastfeeding rates in hospital were apparently higher too

PixieLaLa · 20/02/2022 01:53

Bloody hell! I’m sure is a perfectly good reason why he was there and I am also sure it’s non of your business! So ridiculous….

Summerfun54321 · 20/02/2022 01:53

I expect them to inform me if a male, that isn't a patient, is staying in my room all night while I am sleeping and in a vulnerable state.

100%

FrecklesMalone · 20/02/2022 01:54

@sadpapercourtesan

This is really difficult. I feel strongly that women have the right to a single-sex environment when they are vulnerable and in hospital, especially around childbirth. But there are some women whose vulnerability means that they need their partner with them.

I think the only satisfactory solution would be different accommodation, so that those who wanted a single-sex space could be guaranteed it and those who needed a partner with them could also be accommodated - but that would require decent, 21st century funding, and as we all know, that's not where our health service is going Sad

This
Clymene · 20/02/2022 02:01

@MrsSkylerWhite

Clymene

No, it isn't the 'way it is' and nor should it be.

Men don't belong on maternity wards - pre or post-natal. Not ever.”

Why?

Lost count of the posts on this site complaining about useless fathers who have no interest in their children.

But their presence at the maternity unit is an abomination, apparently.

Because they are for women recovering from birth. Men can bond with the babies when they get home.

Men are often abusive to the women they're with. They talk loudly. They gawp at other women.

Women's need for privacy, dignity and safety in maternity care should always come first.

And that means men have no place.

Monopolyiscrap · 20/02/2022 02:19

I have been in hospital wards where a man stayed overnight with a woman. It is not that unusual. But is always for a very specific reason.

Aniloo · 20/02/2022 02:20

Partners can stay for probable end of life baby....could be known fetal death

IDontLikeMondays88 · 20/02/2022 02:24

@zeg3885 not my experience at all. I was the only person I saw trying to breastfeed and really was ignored on the ward. Really missed my husband or my mum being there to support me.

Somuchgoo · 20/02/2022 03:06

Have these people been dbs checked. No. Its a safeguarding issue

I'm currently sleeping (well failing to) on a bed next to my child's bed in hospital, and have been for several weeks. Its usually about 50-50 mums and dads. Obviously no one is dbs checked, and we just get on with it.

At one stage we had two newborn babies, and for both of them, both parents tried to stay (the rule is 1). One got told the rules, and mum left, the other, both were allowed to stay. I now know why, and whilst I won't go into it on here, the staff acted in a compassionate and fair way in applying the rules differently.

Thedogscollar · 20/02/2022 03:07

Midwife here on on my breakGrin
In my unit, pre covid, men stay with their partners in antenatal bay and postnatal bays.

Now with less restrictions the ladies who are being induced can have partners stay over but as yet the postnatal ladies partners visit from 8am to 8pm.

We are a very busy unit so when postnatal visiting has returned to normal it means we have double amount on our ward and it can be crazy.

Some men are great, helping change babys nappies in the night or preparing milk feeds but some are useless just laying on reclining chairs snoring all night sleeping through baby crying or sometimes sleeping in the bed with mum in a chair. I can tell you he got short shrift from me.

However I can 100%say if we stopped this overnight sleepovers with the dads their would be uproar from the women who all want their partner to stay.

During covid we had women refusing to stay if partner could not or taking own discharge.
Men on ante/postnatal wards has been allowed to answer parental equality and supporting their partner when in a vulnerable situation.

When all covid restrictions were in place it was great as no visitors could come in only attend to be with their partner in labour.
The women all spoke to each other curtains were fully opened stories swapped between experienced mums and new mums our breastfeeding rate went up and the women got to rest and sleep.

Other local maternity hospitals in my area all have partners sleeping over.

salsmum · 20/02/2022 03:37

It could be that it's a high risk baby and they have been moved from their local hospital to this one ( better equipped for premature delivery etc). The woman may even be a prisoner and their was no women prison wardens available at short notice. I'm sure there's a good reason for his presence.

Cappuccino17 · 20/02/2022 03:56

I personally believe men should be able to stay. I really wanted my husband to stay after my traumatic birth. I had to stay over and wished he had been there in the nights. If this man didn't bother you I'd just let it slide

newbiename · 20/02/2022 04:00

@JustAnotherPoster00

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay

So you're jealous that her husband could stay and yours couldn't? You'd have happily put other women in the position you're currently decrying if your husband was able to stay?

She's clearly said she didn't want her husband to stay.
ShamedBySiri · 20/02/2022 04:49

Interesting about better breastfeeding rates during Covid when visiting was restricted. Honestly I can't understand all this needing partners around the entire time. How do people who already have children or who have dogs etc at home manage? Surely the partner has to go homer incase for the siblings etc. Even with a first, surely it's better for partners to go home, shower, sleep, get some food and be fresh and ready for going in the next day. What do they do if the woman needs to be in for several days?
I think it's a great shame, women used to chat and bond and I've known lots of women who have formed lifelong friendships with another woman they met on the maternity unit. Now everyone is hiding behind curtains and there is no social interaction at all. OP clearly hasn't had a chance to chat to the woman in the next bed or she'd know why she was there. Not that she should be nosy as some pp's would say, just that there would have been some chat and interaction.
And what about women who are in an abusive/coercive situation? No chance for them to be alone and perhaps be able to seek help or confide in staff.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/02/2022 05:12

DD was born 23 years ago in a maternity unit (NHS) designed with single rooms in which one also laboured. It was 1000% better than the bay of 6 when I had ds and where men did not stay overnight.

MadForBurpees · 20/02/2022 05:49

I'm in Birmingham. I have visited that hospital. Visiting rules are often broken - pre pandemic ovs. I've seen 6 or 7 visitors around beds many times. Complain if you are uncomfortable.

user7643789 · 20/02/2022 06:00

I spent almost 9 months in a pre natal ward. Tonnes of male partners there 24/7 as they were also getting induced/ had medical problems related to pregnancy/ awaiting x section.

Is this the type of ward to which you're referring?

If so, YABU.

Regardless of the type of ward, though, you still have no right to be in informed.

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