To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

I agree with DH but I would only provide for the basics from now on. Tell them to use some of that inheritance for extras but keep the majority for house deposits.

NB it’s not the DC who is suggesting they shouldn’t pay, it’s the DH. And while he’s the lower earner, he has a say- if anyone suggested a husband could make all the financial decisions in virtue of being a higher earner, people would hit the roof.

Sounds like OP and her husband need to think together about their finances in the round. But I struggle to see how her going PT funded by stopping paying for the DC can be anything other than use of mIL’s money to fund her lower hours.

@Cantgetgoing

Mumsnet is another planet sometimes 😐 I wouldn't want my mum working herself to the bone to fund me whilst I sat on 100K. Why can't the students get a loan for tuition and whatever maintenance they can and they either OP can just top up (hopefully not £££) or they get a job? Most people I know had a part time job / were a bit skint! I managed to fund myself through uni, masters AND buy a house at 25 without an inheritance!! And before anyone jumps in, that was in 2019 so not long ago!

Exactly. All the jealous people are out in full force today

@Theluggage15 if that was me you were suggesting read the thread I have.
I think it's unreasonable to expect your spouse to continue working the same when they are drained and stressed just to give money to children who already have a lot, and unreasonable of those children to accept it. I don't think the fact he would like them to buy a house or that it's what his mum would have wanted are good enough reasons to ask that of your wife.

100k is a great house deposit, but so is 80k and that 20k spent from the inheritance could be the difference between the OP working herself into the ground or having a job she can comfortably cope with

^^ This.

I also think there's a bit of an 'obsession' on here about 'competitive funding of adults' for their education, housing etc. Fully funding university, not taking board, paying house deposits etc. Should not be an expectation, especially when it significantly affects the finances or health of the parents.

Going to university is likely to financially benefit the DC so they should contribute rather than it all being on their parents. So they should work, or in this case, contribute using their inheritance. Unless they piss it all up a wall, there should still be a decent chunk for a house deposit.

Plus you don't have to assume that they'll actually go to university. Plenty of other routes that will better suit a lot of people. Also may actually be more financially lucrative.

YANBU. My children worked all the way through university to fund themselves and had student loans. Your children have money now. They should use it for university and not depend on you.

@Gizacluethen

I think you shouldn't change what you were doing because of the inheritance. If they were living at home ypu wouldn't be taking a monthly amount out of it to pay for their upkeep.

Exactly this. I think it would be completely wrong to pull out of what you've committed to because your children been gifted something for their future by way of losing a grandparent.

Let them use it for property

There was a thread the other day from an older poster who did not want her husband to retire early because she wanted him to provide for their adult children. She did not work and she didn't want to have her husband hanging around the house because she needed her space.
If you compare that thread to this one it would appear that a lot of posters think that women have more entitlement to controlling any family money and a part time job. On the other hand, they seem to endorse the idea of men working until they drop.

If I was a SAHM and my DP was running himself ragged. Do I have the right to force him to continue?

No. But if you were a SAHM do you think your DH should get all the say over where the money goes because he earned it and you didn’t? It’s got to be a joint decision. If the OP absolutely can’t bear to work these hours for another minute without having a nervous breakdown then that’s the top priority. But does she get to unilaterally decide that because she earned the money? What if her DH earned more money, would she just have to continue struggling?

it’s not surprising that parents sharing the burden has become the norm

Parents have always paid for their children to be students. My great grandparents paid all of my grandfather's expenses to go to university in the 1930s, they could only afford to send one of their 4 children and he felt very guilty about getting the opportunity his siblings didn't. When grants were introduced high income families still had to pay the living expenses of their children so when I went to University in the 80s I didn't receive a grant and my parents supported me. Similarly DH and I earn above the threshold (currently about £60K) so the DC will receive the minimum maintenance loan and we will have to support each of them to the tune of ~£500 each per month. To put that into context that's less than we paid on childcare for each of them. It actually shocks me how many parents on good salaries don't feel any responsibility to support their children at University, who did they think should support their children?

@Anonymouseposter

I am inclined to agree with OP's husband. I am assuming that he is also working full time but his job is less well paid. If I am wrong and he isn't working full time then he needs to The grandparent left the girls this money to help them get a good start in adult life, not so the parents could reduce the amount spent on them. OP is coming over a bit selfish, most people would prefer to give their children a good start than to reduce their working hours at this stage of life.

If they were left 30K, I agree. But they're left 100K. That's more than enough for everything. Heck any deposit, even 50K is a lot more than most people have. Why shouldn't they use some of it to fund their education?

YANBU in principle but if their GM left them the money with the intent that it gets them on the housing ladder that's really what it should be used for. However, you shouldn't bear the brunt of it alone, I think you and DH should share uni costs 50/50 and if he can't afford his share it's taken from the inheritance maybe? Would that allow you to change role? If your DH is adamant he should come up with another solution to you running yourself into the ground. Ultimately it's up to DC how they spend it, hopefully won't piss it up the wall, is it in trust?

If the DC paid for two or three years rent at uni at say 6k a year and used their maintenance loan for food and socialising they’d still have 82/88k left.
It’s very doubtful they’ll use the whole 100k on a deposit anyway. Most young adults don’t want to buy a home when they already have a home, they want to have a good time.

@BobbinHood

If I was a SAHM and my DP was running himself ragged. Do I have the right to force him to continue?

No. But if you were a SAHM do you think your DH should get all the say over where the money goes because he earned it and you didn’t? It’s got to be a joint decision. If the OP absolutely can’t bear to work these hours for another minute without having a nervous breakdown then that’s the top priority. But does she get to unilaterally decide that because she earned the money? What if her DH earned more money, would she just have to continue struggling?

But she never said she should unilaterally decide. She said her DH refused to even consider the possibility, and felt very strongly about it.

A lot of posters are also missing the fact that OP wouldn't pay 0!
She would still pay RENT, which next to tuition fees is the biggest expense!

The issue isn't the decision itself but the extremism. 'Don;t touch ANY of the money,

I think that opinions on this will vary massively depending on your upbringing and family income. I went to uni and live in one of the poorest parts of the U.K. and never expected my parents to fund it because it was something that would benefit me in the future.

Some people I met from well off families had everything paid for and didn't have to work and whilst they were great friends they were also extremely ungrateful and expected to be fully bankrolled throughout the 3 years.

I think maybe reach a middle ground here and if you can afford it contribute towards it but by no means pay for everything. Maybe the grandmother intended for this money to fund their studies or maybe she wanted them to get on the property ladder, only the OP will know the intention it was left with and it's a bit unfair to say she should pay for everything when they are sitting on that much money and the father has been passed over regarding inheritance.

@mrsm43s

The parental contribution for uni is exactly that - a contribution to be paid by the parents. Some parents do refuse to pay it, but lets be honest, they're the shitty ones (and it's set at a means tested level, so its not about affordability).

The grandparent left money to the grandchildren to benefit them, not to let their parents off their commitments or so they could fund their mother to work part time. If she's wanted the inheritance to benefit OP, she'd have left it directly to her.

I would be carrying on as before, because I had not received an inheritance, and I wouldn't expect to benefit from someone else's inheritance (with the exception of DH since we fully share finances).

Honestly OP, you must see that its not OK for you to push one of your bills onto your children just because they have an inheritance for their futures. What next, expecting them to pay your mortgage?

No-one can force the parents to pay the parental contribution, but as mrsm43s says, it's usually the shitty ones who don't.

Part of the problem is that parents aren't pre-warned about the expense of university with the loan system, but as also mentioned before, it was ever thus in the days of grants, unless you were on a full grant. I've paid over a number of years any two of my three DC have been at uni at the same time, and it's not cheap. They've been encouraged to work when they can, and have kept that money on top of what I've paid as my parental contribution. This generation has a lot of expense ahead of them.

My DD did a BA and a Masters, has a civil service job in London but will never be able to afford to buy a flat or house there, will be stretched if she ever has to hold down a job and pay for childcare, so in the meantime spends to much on avocados and oat milk flat whites. If she ever did get an inheritance, and if it did leapfrog me, I wouldn't use it to cover expenses I'm already expecting to pay.

Of those dishing out advice on students working, paying fees or maintenance from their savings, how many of you actually have kids at uni at the moment?

To fund their uni would depend on what they are studying.
I'd fund something that will get them a decent paying job but they can pay and fund degrees like basket weaving and dance.
There's no reason they can't get part time jobs to contribute.

Houses will not get any cheaper and it is usually one of the largest expenses. A big deposit will make a huge difference in their lives.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2021/11/student-living-parental-contribution-win/

This explains that parents are expected to contribute. If parental income is above a certain amount then the student cannot get the maximum loan amount for maintenance.

Parents have to top it up

In your shoes I would pay for dd2 what I'd paid for dd1 towards living expenses fir a similar period of time. But I would explain that as they have this money that they now need to use some of it towards their living expenses in addition to their loans.

I would probably still pay rent for them - but not top up with anything further once I'd evened out what I'd paid for DD1.

I would also sit down with them and discuss where to put the money and what they really should save it for eg. A deposit.
So agree an amount that should save and amounts that should be used while at uni.

Strongly advise them not to tell people they have the money either. My sister lost alot of her inheritance lending to friends who came with their begging bowls once they knew she had money. They saw her as an ATM and she was too naive to say no.

@Twicklette

There was a thread the other day from an older poster who did not want her husband to retire early because she wanted him to provide for their adult children. She did not work and she didn't want to have her husband hanging around the house because she needed her space. If you compare that thread to this one it would appear that a lot of posters think that women have more entitlement to controlling any family money and a part time job. On the other hand, they seem to endorse the idea of men working until they drop.

I'm surprised at this thread its the other way around. People are haranguing the OP to continue working herself to death.

I guess it's not a man woman thing, It's a higher earner thing.

@sanbeiji would you ask if a woman was a lazy waster because her husband earns more or is it just because its the man who is earning less? I earn more than my husband, he works harder than me and longer hours, I'm just lucky I work in a field that pays better.

@Arabellla

The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Yanbu, what he is saying is that he expects YOU to keep paying for the dc to go to uni.

Put your foot down, OP. Say you will be cutting your contribution when the inheritance hits their banks and if DH wants to up it he does it from his own money,

He is a twat.

If the sexes were reversed you'd recalling him a test for wanting to step down and not pay for his children.

Carrying on as though the money doesn't exist is stupid. Basically PP are saying if they had 100K and their mother was working very hard, they'd happily let her. I'm saddened and disgusted by the entitlement, and lack of appreciation for parents

To be fair @sanbeiji, we don't know that OP's DC are thinking like this. I get the impression that this is just a conversation between OP and her DH at the moment. It could be that the DC are not entitled at all, we can't assume that they are from the information given.

Op are you paying the expected parental contribution or are you paying more?

It would be perfectly responsible and reasonable to only pay the parental contribution.

Then for extras they can get a job or use the inheritance

I'm with the OP.
University education is not some god given right to be funded by your parents.
Why should the poor op continue in a job that is stressful and exhausting her, so she can pay her really quite cash wealthy daughters living expenses.
Think of this scenario.. OP spends her money paying dds rent, living costs, come summer dds are off on luxury holiday paid for by their inheritance and op cannot afford holiday as she uses her disposable income to fund dds....
How can anyone say that's fair and reasonable.
My dd2 has sizeable savings pot we have saved and GPS have added too. She will be dividing it a cross the uni years to fund living costs.
I saved it for her when I could afford to, several lump sums have been deposited by gps before inheritance... I expect her to use them and I will look forward to dropping a day a week at work (also hcp) when she is at uni, as will have less out goings.
I don't think I am washing my hands of her, I'm increasing her independence by making her responsible for herself financially