To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

@LuckySantangelo35 They benefit but by much less as OP is effectively taking part of the inheritance value for herself. It’s not the same as literally taking their money from them but morally it feels in the same ball park to me.

We’re not talking here about what the girls want- as far as I know they haven’t been consulted. The question is what should OP and her husband do. If I were one of the girls I might well say I was happy to fund myself. It doesn’t follow that that’s what’s fair or what MIL intended.

@ScrollingLeaves

Win win might be for them to buy a flat jointly, either to live in or let out, and so either save a lot on rent or have some income towards rent ( get tax advice). Then later they can sell it probably having made some money as profit and use their shares for deposits when they are working.

That was my suggestion, too. I don't think it's a bad one, and would be a good compromise.

@billy1966 Would he though? Yes I think he would, I've seen loads of threads where a man is saying he earns the money and he has the say about how it's used and I don't think I've ever seen anyone defending his point of view. It always comes back as, "It's all family money." Except when we change the sexes round apparently.

@CarrotCarrotCucumber

For those recommending buying a house for university, I'm curious to know if anyone has done this recently and how, as it seems an excellent idea if it works, but almost impossible these days. Surely a mortgage would be required to top up the inheritance, so the student would have to go through the process of proving that they have sufficient income to cover this? I would suspect the same would apply even if both were happy to go to the same university and pool their money (which would hardly be a given, and would depend on the courses in which they were interested and their grades).

I think £200k would buy a property in many parts of the UK. Not if they want a London uni but doable in many areas.

Perhaps Mil should have indicated what she intended @MelaniaFlump. My guess is it would have been something vague about improving their future prospects.

You had 2 children. It's pretty much up to you to fund their education not their grandmother.
100k is a once in a lifetime lump sum, only a full would see it pissed away.
At the bare minimum use jt to but a student flat for them and pay a mortgage rather than rent.

@sofakingcool

Parents have always had to do this depending on their income. My parents had to pay all my maintenance costs in the 80s.

@Belladonna12

Because I'm guessing you couldn't afford it any other way? Isn't that different?

I was responding to the poster that said they didn't realise parents were expected to contribute to students living costs rather than OPs situation in particular. They are (if they earn over a certain amount) and that has always been the case.

[quote MelaniaFlump]@mewkins I do understand your argument. I just find it a bit of a stretch.

To me, the clearest thing seems to be that the DD have been left £100k each but the actual value to them of their inheritance is much less- maybe only £60k, say- because they’re no longer being supported. The difference is effectively going to OP so she can reduce her hours by cutting what she gives her DD- it’s very hard to imagine that this is what the MIL can have intended. The one person completely unaffected is the husband who sails blissfully on, despite OP considering him to blame for not earning more.

Obviously the girls are better off than if they hadn’t inherited at all but that doesn’t change the fact that their inheritance comes with a hefty price tag. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, to put it mildly.[/quote]
She's not asking them to pay for her mortgage, a family holiday or new car. She's asking them to contribute to their OWN education and future.

only a full would see it pissed away

But it’s all right for OP’s hard earned money to be “pissed away”? 🙄

I'm with you on this one. I wouldn't frame it as "you've inherited so don't need the money" but I would gently explain to them that you need to cut back hours / move jobs for your own mental health, and that in future there's going to be very little cash to spare so you're going to be cutting back in every way possible, and you'll only be able to give them the bare minimum required for support. Your husband can't really argue with you earning the same as him.

@MelaniaFlump how are you figuring they will be paying £40000 out
Op has said still some help and they get some loan, they don't need to then spend £13000 a year on food etc
They can also work if needed

@Belladonna12 but many do it without parents support yours may of helped you many don't or can't
Many do have jobs or like my son take a gap year and work to be able to afford uni

@MelaniaFlump you seem to think they are entitled to everything even if thats costs the OP her health and wellbeing
She has said she still will help but nit fully fund as now , many kids are not fully funded

@Xenia no its not always about what parents choose to do it also about what people can afford
They start reducing the loan at a very low income below the average even
Many can't afford to help make up all the shortfall , its why a vast amount of uni students work

@Xenia i would have to give my son about £6/7000 a year to cover rent food and some basics, we don't have that kind of free money at the end if the month about £500 thats nearly half my wages and we have other children too

[quote worriedatthemoment]@MelaniaFlump you seem to think they are entitled to everything even if thats costs the OP her health and wellbeing
She has said she still will help but nit fully fund as now , many kids are not fully funded [/quote]
@worriedatthemoment that’s what I’m picking up on as well - The DD’s being entitled to everything at whatever cost to OP.
It won’t hurt the DDs to make a contribution towards their own further education when they have over 100k each but to continuing on in a high pressure, full time HCP role when her stress levels are so high might hurt the OP

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Belladonna12 but many do it without parents support yours may of helped you many don't or can't
Many do have jobs or like my son take a gap year and work to be able to afford uni [/quote]
Students who receive the full loan, or nearly the full loan, may do it without parental support but that's because they receive more money not only as a loan but they often receive bursaries. It's not true that many of the students who receive the minimum loan don't receive a parental contribution. Most parents who are higher earners do contribute.

@LuckySantangelo35 yes exactly
Im lucky my ds is working this year to help fund it as he knows we can't ,we will help where can but cannot make up the whole shortfall , he has some ok savings now which could also be used towards house in future but he will use it to help get thru uni ,he isn't expecting us to work harder or take on more hrs than we already do, he knows its also his responsibility and helping where he can , a combined effort

@Belladonna12 based on what
Do you know what the maximum loan is , its around £9000 i think and not all get bursaries that often depends on courses
Also some parents contribute but they don't make up all the shortfull
Many can't afford that
Why do you think many uni students work
Op has said they will still contribute but not all costs like now and that she will do same for dd2 as dd1! So guessing thats the 1st year paid , which leaves them 2 years to contribute towards as well
Thats not too much to ask

Blimey where has this working herself to death, working herself to the bone, costing her health and well being come from? Talk about exaggeration. She wants to use her children’s inheritance to make her life easier, it’s as simple as that.

@Theluggage15

Blimey where has this working herself to death, working herself to the bone, costing her health and well being come from? Talk about exaggeration. She wants to use her children’s inheritance to make her life easier, it’s as simple as that.

It says so in the OP

[quote ancientgran]**@billy1966* Would he though?* Yes I think he would, I've seen loads of threads where a man is saying he earns the money and he has the say about how it's used and I don't think I've ever seen anyone defending his point of view. It always comes back as, "It's all family money." Except when we change the sexes round apparently.[/quote]
The majority of those threads are started by SAHM, who are facilitating their husbands' career. Of course they deserve an equal say.
The majority of threads with female higher earners tend to be about their useless partners.

Of course that's to be expected, nobody would post about their wonderful DH's.

IRL there have to be shared goals. I have seen men work themselves to death because they had the big house, car, kids in private school. Wives didn't like having to stand by their husbands.
Equally there are men who dumped their wives for a younger model when they had midlife crises.. so it goes both ways.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Xenia i would have to give my son about £6/7000 a year to cover rent food and some basics, we don't have that kind of free money at the end if the month about £500 thats nearly half my wages and we have other children too [/quote]
Unless they are in London it would be about £5,000 to bring them up to the same amount they would receive if you didn't exist and they had the full loan. Considering you are a relatively high earner and you have had 18 years to save for this, it's a bit pathetic to argue that you can't possibly contribute while at the same time expect your child to earn that amount in a shorter time on a much lower salary while also studying.

@Theunamedcat

They can declare that they are leaving home self funding and will get more of a loan

No, they can't. It doesn't work like that.