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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/02/2022 19:03

Mil wanted GC to benefit and mayba looke she spoke to your DH about it being used as deposit. She did not leave money to DH or you so you should not benefit

mewkins · 18/02/2022 19:04

@MelaniaFlump

She doesn't have to anymore! It's her choice as to whether she wants to contribute.

We all get that. It’s the choice to stop supporting her DC so that they have to make up the shortfall from the inheritance that’s the issue.

I am imagining how OP’s going to tell her daughters about all this: “Well, girls, there’s good news and there’s bad news….”

Jesus. I can only imagine if someone had me at 18 that I had 100k coming my way. There is no bad news in this. The kids will be way more comfortable and less in debt than the majority of their peers ffs. They will in no way imaginable be losing out from this.
Thefrenchconnection1 · 18/02/2022 19:06

Two DC's, 200k. Buy a house and rent it out. They get the rent minus tax ( which they don't pay I assume). After uni sell house.

mummykel16 · 18/02/2022 19:06

@MelaniaFlump

She doesn't have to anymore! It's her choice as to whether she wants to contribute.

We all get that. It’s the choice to stop supporting her DC so that they have to make up the shortfall from the inheritance that’s the issue.

I am imagining how OP’s going to tell her daughters about all this: “Well, girls, there’s good news and there’s bad news….”

And it's your dad's fault
MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 19:09

There is no bad news.

Rather depends how you look at it. To me it seems that OP is effectively helping herself to a chunk of her children’s inheritance by changing how much financial support she gives them. Very nice for OP, sure. The justification seems to be the fact she thinks her husband’s lazy Confused To me, it’s really shocking. The fact that the girls will end up better off overall than they would have been absent the inheritance makes no difference- they were given the inheritance, not OP.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 18/02/2022 19:11

@billy1966

Some unbelievable responses here.

You have carried the family financially and now would like to step back a bit.

You absolutely should do this.

What a piece of work your husband is.

He's looked after himself well.

Not that laid back actually, more like a really selfish arsehole.

I would be so unimpressed with his stance.

It should also be a real wake up call for you.

The girls might fritter this money away, whilst YOU work yourself to the bone?...as your husband does the VERY LEAST he can get away with?

Don't ASK him.

TELL him.

The girls can use their inheritance OR he can get job that pays.

YOU however will be reducing your hours.

I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Hasn't he really shown his hand.🙄

He has very lithle concern for you, the family work horse.

YANBU at all.Flowers

This.

It's his turn now.

mummykel16 · 18/02/2022 19:17

Well, it's good to see that someone trying to make sure two young women get all their inheritance is the bad person in all this, without knowing a thing about what said person does.
Strange old world

mewkins · 18/02/2022 19:19

@MelaniaFlump

There is no bad news.

Rather depends how you look at it. To me it seems that OP is effectively helping herself to a chunk of her children’s inheritance by changing how much financial support she gives them. Very nice for OP, sure. The justification seems to be the fact she thinks her husband’s lazy Confused To me, it’s really shocking. The fact that the girls will end up better off overall than they would have been absent the inheritance makes no difference- they were given the inheritance, not OP.

OR the OP has worked her ass off and is staring down at least another 3 years of doing this in order to carry the family. She was stressing about how they would afford two kids at uni. Now some of that can be eased. But the dh doesn't want to increase his own work pressure and yet he wants the kids to have a ready made house deposit. The only one required to work hard here is the OP. On behalf of everyone else. Who is looking after her?
LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2022 19:21

@mummykel16

Well, it's good to see that someone trying to make sure two young women get all their inheritance is the bad person in all this, without knowing a thing about what said person does. Strange old world
@mummykel16 But they are getting all their inheritance? It’s their choice what they want to spend it on. If they don’t want to contribute towards uni costs with it then they don’t go- uni isn’t compulsory.
MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 19:21

Who is looking after her?

@mewkins Her husband should be, not her daughters.

Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 19:23

@MelaniaFlump

Who is looking after her?

@mewkins Her husband should be, not her daughters.

Why?
LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/02/2022 19:23

I think if my child considered having to pay for themselves through uni after inheriting £100k 'bad news' I would seriously consider what kind of adults they had become.

CarrotCarrotCucumber · 18/02/2022 19:23

For those recommending buying a house for university, I'm curious to know if anyone has done this recently and how, as it seems an excellent idea if it works, but almost impossible these days. Surely a mortgage would be required to top up the inheritance, so the student would have to go through the process of proving that they have sufficient income to cover this? I would suspect the same would apply even if both were happy to go to the same university and pool their money (which would hardly be a given, and would depend on the courses in which they were interested and their grades).

mewkins · 18/02/2022 19:30

@MelaniaFlump

Who is looking after her?

@mewkins Her husband should be, not her daughters.

But they will still benefit massively from this money. And how do we know their grandmother didn't want them to use the money on their education. It's a pretty good investment and, who knows, if they use thir own money, maybe they will value it more.
Geppili · 18/02/2022 19:30

What @billy1966 said.

ancientgran · 18/02/2022 19:32

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for? A man would get torn to shreds on here if he said that.

Belladonna12 · 18/02/2022 19:38

@CarrotCarrotCucumber

For those recommending buying a house for university, I'm curious to know if anyone has done this recently and how, as it seems an excellent idea if it works, but almost impossible these days. Surely a mortgage would be required to top up the inheritance, so the student would have to go through the process of proving that they have sufficient income to cover this? I would suspect the same would apply even if both were happy to go to the same university and pool their money (which would hardly be a given, and would depend on the courses in which they were interested and their grades).
I think students can get mortgages if parents guarantee them, particularly with a 100 k deposit. Assuming there was more than one room renting to other students could cover the repayments. Although it was a long time ago I know one or two people who did this.
sofakingcool · 18/02/2022 19:48

Parents have always had to do this depending on their income. My parents had to pay all my maintenance costs in the 80s.

@Belladonna12

Because I'm guessing you couldn't afford it any other way? Isn't that different?

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 19:55

@mewkins I do understand your argument. I just find it a bit of a stretch.

To me, the clearest thing seems to be that the DD have been left £100k each but the actual value to them of their inheritance is much less- maybe only £60k, say- because they’re no longer being supported. The difference is effectively going to OP so she can reduce her hours by cutting what she gives her DD- it’s very hard to imagine that this is what the MIL can have intended. The one person completely unaffected is the husband who sails blissfully on, despite OP considering him to blame for not earning more.

Obviously the girls are better off than if they hadn’t inherited at all but that doesn’t change the fact that their inheritance comes with a hefty price tag. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, to put it mildly.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/02/2022 20:02

Win win might be for them to buy a flat jointly, either to live in or let out, and so either save a lot on rent or have some income towards rent ( get tax advice). Then later they can sell it probably having made some money as profit and use their shares for deposits when they are working.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2022 20:04

@MelaniaFlump why though when you’ve said yourself that the girls will still benefit.

When you were that age would you honestly have allowed your mum to continue to fund your uni studies that you had chosen to do when you have over 100k in the bank and if it means she has to continue to work full time in a job that stresses her out to do so?

Bunnycat101 · 18/02/2022 20:05

I don’t think it’s a bad idea to try and earmark a portion of the inheritance for property and some to support them at university.

I don’t see why you can’t have an open conversation and say that your current work is taking a toll on your health and with the money, the girls are now in a position to fund the loan and living costs. It isn’t fair if you’re running yourself into the ground and they’re living the life of Riley. Are they currently working? I had to work in the holidays as a student. My parents didn’t contribute really and the loan wasn’t enough.

I don’t see what would be so disastrous about encouraging them to use up to £15k to support them as students and to earmark the rest for house deposit or post grad study.

billy1966 · 18/02/2022 20:07

@ancientgran

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for? A man would get torn to shreds on here if he said that.
Would he though?

My husband is the sole earner in this house.

If each of my children inherited a large sum of money which would enable them to complete their education, and he told me he felt he needed to work less hours and this would facilitate it, I would be guided by HIM.

Why?

Because he has been the main provider for our children and I respect that.

Would I sit by and allow my children to fritter some of this money away whilst my husband worked harder than he felt able to, to continue funding them?

Would I hell!

Not a chance.

The OP's daughter's are very fortunate in their inheritance.

Why shouldn't they NOT fritter it, and contribute to their education.

I am staggered that so many find this idea strange.

Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 20:12

[quote MelaniaFlump]@mewkins I do understand your argument. I just find it a bit of a stretch.

To me, the clearest thing seems to be that the DD have been left £100k each but the actual value to them of their inheritance is much less- maybe only £60k, say- because they’re no longer being supported. The difference is effectively going to OP so she can reduce her hours by cutting what she gives her DD- it’s very hard to imagine that this is what the MIL can have intended. The one person completely unaffected is the husband who sails blissfully on, despite OP considering him to blame for not earning more.

Obviously the girls are better off than if they hadn’t inherited at all but that doesn’t change the fact that their inheritance comes with a hefty price tag. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, to put it mildly.[/quote]
Where do you get £60k from? OP says she’ll continue to fund some things, including perhaps their rent. They’re just going to have to feed and clothe themselves, that doesn’t come to £40k plus their loans over three years.

Disgruntledpelicanlady · 18/02/2022 20:16

@Theunamedcat

They can declare that they are leaving home self funding and will get more of a loan
They would need to marry, prove they lived independently for a number of years before uni, or have a professional who can vouch for them being estranged