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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hb12 · 18/02/2022 18:16

@MargaretThursday

I thing the thing that doesn't sit well with me is that effectively with her MIL's money OP is planning on using to drop down her hours at work.

If that was a husband wanting to do that with the wife's money then MN would be telling her to LTB.

I think I'd be quite upset if that was dh's reaction after my mum had died. If he wanted to do that with his parents' money then that would be different.

If they had been discussing how to drop down her hours and they had suggested that the dc worked to get through uni, then to me with would be different.
But to suggest it because of the inheritance comes across, however OP may mean it not to, as "I'm getting my hands on it somehow" when it really isn't hers to take.

You really think if the mother of adult children posted saying they had deliberately taken it easy job wise throughout, and now resented her husband wanting to step down his stressful bill paying role because the kids have inherited 6 figures each, that posters would be shouting that he was unreasonable?!
twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 18:16

@MargaretThursday

I thing the thing that doesn't sit well with me is that effectively with her MIL's money OP is planning on using to drop down her hours at work.

If that was a husband wanting to do that with the wife's money then MN would be telling her to LTB.

I think I'd be quite upset if that was dh's reaction after my mum had died. If he wanted to do that with his parents' money then that would be different.

If they had been discussing how to drop down her hours and they had suggested that the dc worked to get through uni, then to me with would be different.
But to suggest it because of the inheritance comes across, however OP may mean it not to, as "I'm getting my hands on it somehow" when it really isn't hers to take.

I agree with this.

I can't imagine dh wanting to use any inheritance I get from my mum to drop his hours down to pt.

In fact if op had posted that the kids had inherited from her mum, but dh wanted to use some of it to go pt because he was stressed and fed up of being the breadwinner, and felt he had the majority vote because he was the biggest earner, responses would be very different I think.

Just be happy for them op. You've lost nothing. Just do what you always intended and discuss dh changing jobs to take the pressure off you. Let your kids benefit in the way their grandma intended and don't sour your relationship with them.

Bakewelltart987 · 18/02/2022 18:18

@Imdonna

I assume your dh will also be left a sustainable amount, that will take pressure off you?

I agree with your dh tbh. And I would say, since it's his mum he gets more of a say than you do.

Maybe dh can up his working hours then so op can relax hers a little given she brings home more than him! It being his mum does not mean he says how it's used what a ridiculous remark!

sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 18:18

@twominutesmore didn't you read all the OP's post?
The bigger earner comment was in response to someone saying her DH has the bigger say because it's 'his' mother's money.

Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 18:19

Let your kids benefit in the way their grandma intended

Did grandma say how she intended them to spend the money? I thought keeping it all for a house purchase was their dad’s idea.

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 18:21

[quote sanbeiji]@twominutesmore didn't you read all the OP's post?
The bigger earner comment was in response to someone saying her DH has the bigger say because it's 'his' mother's money.[/quote]
I did.

Some strong opinions and differences of opinion on this one.

Hope you all reach a decision you're comfortable with, op.

As pp said, make sure both dc treated the same regardless of what you decide to do with the inheritance. Maybe a compromise can be found.

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 18:22

@Blossomtoes

Let your kids benefit in the way their grandma intended

Did grandma say how she intended them to spend the money? I thought keeping it all for a house purchase was their dad’s idea.

Well I doubt it was left so their mum could go part time.

Otherwise she'd have just left some to op.

whysoserious123 · 18/02/2022 18:22

Didn't know parents were supposed to find you through uni I thought you had to get a job part time ? Plus surely your kids will be more than happy to find their uni ?

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 18:24

Did grandma say how she intended them to spend the money? I thought keeping it all for a house purchase was their dad’s idea.

To be fair, that seems a lot more likely than "spend it on making up the shortfall when your mother suddenly goes back on her commitment to support you at university".

Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 18:27

@MelaniaFlump

Did grandma say how she intended them to spend the money? I thought keeping it all for a house purchase was their dad’s idea.

To be fair, that seems a lot more likely than "spend it on making up the shortfall when your mother suddenly goes back on her commitment to support you at university".

What commitment? I think this pp has it absolutely spot on:

It's not a question of her DC's money being 'hers' to take.
But whether HER money is theirs to take, when they have got money of their own now.

LittlePearl · 18/02/2022 18:30

Staggered by some of the responses here.

£100k is a huge amount of money to have in your late teens / early twenties. They are already privileged beyond most people's expectations. Why shouldn't they contribute towards THEIR education, which is likely to help them on the career ladder and add to their earning potential. They will almost certainly still have a significant amount to spend on something else, or put down as a house deposit, something many people their age can only dream of.

OP has said she will continue to support her daughters, but would like the option of redressing a work / life imbalance. I can't see anything wrong with that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2022 18:33

@CatNoBag
I really don’t see how a house is a better investment then a uni education. Isn’t the whole point of uni about trying to maximise your earning potential, open doors to you career wise etc.

Hawkins001 · 18/02/2022 18:34

i understand ur perspectives op,

if i had the £, id prefer to fund myself, but i can also understand your dh perspectives too.

Belladonna12 · 18/02/2022 18:34

@whysoserious123

Didn't know parents were supposed to find you through uni I thought you had to get a job part time ? Plus surely your kids will be more than happy to find their uni ?
Parents have always had to do this depending on their income. My parents had to pay all my maintenance costs in the 80s.
sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 18:34

@MelaniaFlump

Did grandma say how she intended them to spend the money? I thought keeping it all for a house purchase was their dad’s idea.

To be fair, that seems a lot more likely than "spend it on making up the shortfall when your mother suddenly goes back on her commitment to support you at university".

Wrong. Her commitment is to ensure that they get through university. Not that she provides the money. In the absence of the inheritance, yes, she had to (leaving lazy DH aside). But with the inheritance? She doesn't have to anymore! It's her choice as to whether she wants to contribute.

House deposits shouldn't even be entering this discussion, especially not by the PP who said 'well she made a promise'. So OP has to be held to her promise, but a new element (house deposit) which was never even mentioned... is now more important?

BBCONEANDTWO · 18/02/2022 18:38

Why don't they buy a flat in the town where their university is then you don't have to pay their rent but can help with other things? The property will increase in value so it's a win win.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2022 18:41

@billy1966

Some unbelievable responses here.

You have carried the family financially and now would like to step back a bit.

You absolutely should do this.

What a piece of work your husband is.

He's looked after himself well.

Not that laid back actually, more like a really selfish arsehole.

I would be so unimpressed with his stance.

It should also be a real wake up call for you.

The girls might fritter this money away, whilst YOU work yourself to the bone?...as your husband does the VERY LEAST he can get away with?

Don't ASK him.

TELL him.

The girls can use their inheritance OR he can get job that pays.

YOU however will be reducing your hours.

I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Hasn't he really shown his hand.🙄

He has very lithle concern for you, the family work horse.

YANBU at all.Flowers

Completely agree with all of this!

There seems to be this weird expectation that women with children should just become invisible and serve their families emotionally, physically, finically…from offering a home and childcare on tap to teenagers/young adults who get pregnant to letting adult children stay at home rent free even when they out earn you to working yourself to the bone to pay for your adults education even when they have huge sums of cash available to them. if the woman ever dares stick her head above the parapet and tried to challenge the status quo she is criticised and termed as being selfish, trying to shirk her responsibilities as a mother etc

LittlePearl · 18/02/2022 18:41

We helped three children though university, and it meant a lot of sacrifices. I know for sure that if any of them had inherited anything like that amount they wouldn't have dreamt of taking extra from us.

toomanywheeliebins · 18/02/2022 18:44

I haven't read the full thread but I'm with you OP.
My mother died when my oldest was a baby. My father sold their holiday home as it was too painful for him and gave some cash to me and my brother and the invested some money for my DCs uni.
DF is retired and money savvy and it has grown to an enormous amount - approx 70k and the youngest is only 10. I said to DH only today that we need to be very careful and not support them further at uni. They need to learn value of work. They have been given a huge leg up and that's brilliant but entry level jobs taught me a huge amount and has made me be very successful today. FWIW my parents despite being comfortable gave me a smaller allowance and I went to work as a care assistant from 16 while studying. I still remember getting my first pay packet and how happy that made me

CatNoBag · 18/02/2022 18:45

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@CatNoBag
I really don’t see how a house is a better investment then a uni education. Isn’t the whole point of uni about trying to maximise your earning potential, open doors to you career wise etc.[/quote]
I did both at the same time (bought a house and went to Uni). The house has definitely been the better investment, and whilst Uni wasn't cheap in my day, it was nothing close to what it costs today. Yes, I have a well earning job now that I wouldn't necessarily (though not impossible) have without my degree, but there are jobs that pay good money that don't involve spending tens of thousands of pounds on going through the middle class conveyor belt of going to college. With that money they could even start a business instead of a degree, though a bit more of a risk of losing it all than buying property.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/02/2022 18:45

sanbeiji yes I know how the loans work, my youngest finished uni after having many years with DC at uni and two there at the same time for a couple of years. The minimum maintenance loan is just over 4K.

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 18:53

She doesn't have to anymore! It's her choice as to whether she wants to contribute.

We all get that. It’s the choice to stop supporting her DC so that they have to make up the shortfall from the inheritance that’s the issue.

I am imagining how OP’s going to tell her daughters about all this: “Well, girls, there’s good news and there’s bad news….”

caringcarer · 18/02/2022 18:54

If you have paid towards dc1 then surely you would pay equal as mount towards dc2. Especially if they will get equal inheritance from GP.

winterchills · 18/02/2022 18:55

YANBU! I would salon expect them to use some of it for that

Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 18:58

I am imagining how OP’s going to tell her daughters about all this: “Well, girls, there’s good news and there’s bad news….”

There is no bad news.