To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

@Valenciaoranges

I would let my children choose what they do with their inheritance. It was left to them by their grandparent.

This. I wouldn't fund anyone through uni of the had £100k in the bank, that's ridiculous, but at the same time nobody can dictate what the money is used for anyway.

It was seem perfectly reasonable to have a conversation with your DH about wanting to step back at work and for him to step up and cover some of the slack.

Between you should be covering your commitments to your dc's education but it shouldn't all fall on you.

I don't think either of you are being 100% unreasonable. It's obviously an emotive subject for your DH, and I can see where you're coming from too.

Have you done the sums to see exactly what your proposal would look like?

Eg cost of 3 years uni, less one year fully funded by you each. Then 2 further years @ whatever loan they would get plus additional expenses to come from their inheritance.

I'm guessing, having been looking at costs for my DD who is heading to uni next year, you're looking at £25k each which still leaves them a huge sum for a deposit.

There must be some middle ground and I do agree with you about them learning to be responsible with the money and use it wisely.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado sorry couldn't quote a quote.
My course was pretty full on (Top 5 Russell Group university) but I worked in the holidays for short bursts - could easily earn around £600 per holiday which would last the term.
And no I don't live in the South, but people do live and work in the North you know

I also think getting financial advice and locking most of the money away for a few years is sensible.

Can't they buy a house each outright and rent them out to fund Uni?

I thing the thing that doesn't sit well with me is that effectively with her MIL's money OP is planning on using to drop down her hours at work.

If that was a husband wanting to do that with the wife's money then MN would be telling her to LTB.

I think I'd be quite upset if that was dh's reaction after my mum had died. If he wanted to do that with his parents' money then that would be different.

If they had been discussing how to drop down her hours and they had suggested that the dc worked to get through uni, then to me with would be different.
But to suggest it because of the inheritance comes across, however OP may mean it not to, as "I'm getting my hands on it somehow" when it really isn't hers to take.

@PleasantBirthday

Not sure. I don't think it should be all or nothing. Perhaps if you can fund your younger one for the amount of time you've funded your older one (so if you've paid for one year for one, do the same for the other) and then half fund them both? That would ease the burden but also leave them substantially well off in terms of being able to get a home.

This would seem to be a compromise if you REALLY don't want to support them.

Bear in mind that not supporting them is equivalent to taking away some of their inheritance. Probably not what MiL intended.

If the OP hadn’t mentioned her own work situation and posted that her DC had inherited 100k so would it be U to ask them to pay 10 to 15k towards going to uni, would your responses be the same?

@Blossomtoes

This is the most ridiculously fucking entitled generation ever.

It is. But to be fair it isn’t their fault. Look at all the posts asserting that it’s absolutely right to sit on £100k while expecting parents who are worse off than you to support you. And that said parents are “grabby” if they don’t just roll over and keep handing money over.

All of this. Entitled kids and overprotective parents.

Do you know how much the whole degree actually costs? My DD graduated in July with a Masters degree and owes £70k+ to Student finance. Her degree was an integrated Masters at Cambridge which does not even have the most expensive accommodation. She worked in the summer holidays but did not have the time to work in term time. I can imagine in another year or 2, £100k will be the cost of the course.

The student loan is charged supposedly at a given rate, rather like a graduate tax. DD will pay it off for 30 years once she hits the earnings threshold. However, she has managed to save some money to use as a nest egg.

I completely understand why your DH feels aggrieved about the inheritance going; your DD's will be spending money on something that, if they played the system, they might never end up paying back. Imagine if they graduated with say £80k of loans. They paid a little off, then perhaps moved abroad, or had a child or worked P/T or a combination of any of them. In those cases, they wouldn't pay it all back and after 30 years the loan would be wiped. They could still have that £100k because it's income that is used for the repayment calculations.

@MargaretThursday

I thing the thing that doesn't sit well with me is that effectively with her MIL's money OP is planning on using to drop down her hours at work.

If that was a husband wanting to do that with the wife's money then MN would be telling her to LTB.

I think I'd be quite upset if that was dh's reaction after my mum had died. If he wanted to do that with his parents' money then that would be different.

If they had been discussing how to drop down her hours and they had suggested that the dc worked to get through uni, then to me with would be different.
But to suggest it because of the inheritance comes across, however OP may mean it not to, as "I'm getting my hands on it somehow" when it really isn't hers to take.

But the inheritance does change things. Why should op continue to work full time in a stressful job in order to fund adult DD’s uni’s whilst the DDs sit on over a 100k each?? They should be contributing to that like the adults they are now they have this large sum of money each regardless of whether their mum works part time, full time or not at all

I didn’t think the OP ever mentioned the tuition fees, I assumed it was money for food and rent.

@CrimbleCrumble1

I didn’t think the OP ever mentioned the tuition fees, I assumed it was money for food and rent.

That was my understanding too. I don’t think the fees come into it.

They should see the student loan as a graduate tax and take it even with the inheritance. As I said before I would probably still pay their rent in this situation, but then they can use their loan, savings, and any money from a part time job, to fund the rest.

I think its nice to say they should keep it for a deposit, but unless its locked away in a fixed saving account they can do whatever they like with it, spend it while OP is financing everything else. I'm sure I'm not the only one who could have quite happily fritter away a lot of money at that age. Having to learn to budget after coming into so much cash is probably going to be a good life lesson!

I have only read the OP and I have thought about what money our dc already have and what they might be left and I think the money should be kept for their future with maybe a smaller amount taken, if you insist, to take a slight pressure off you. Feels a bit off for you to benefit from your husband's mum dying though I expect to be slated for that. Don't bother anyone.

www.savethestudent.org/student-finance/the-big-fat-guide-to-student-finance-2012.html#parents

Have a look at this which will give minimum you are expected to contribute according to your income. You should definitely make this payment but could suggest they use inheritance for anything over this.

@CrimbleCrumble1

I didn’t think the OP ever mentioned the tuition fees, I assumed it was money for food and rent.

All students get full fee loans. It's the 'maintenance' loan which is means tested. The maximum amount is 12+ K, the minimum around 6K.

By having them pay, you are in effect changing your MIL's will to make you the beneficiary, because now you'll have money you wouldn't have had before. If the money had gone to you and your DH, there's a good chance you'd have used it for the college funding. To be honest, money to invest in property is probably going to be immensely more good value for them than a University degree. Perhaps give them the choice of using to fund their degrees instead of you paying, or have it locked away in an investment account for about 5 years so it doesn't get frittered away and about it again then.

@Malbecfan

Do you know how much the whole degree actually costs? My DD graduated in July with a Masters degree and owes £70k+ to Student finance. Her degree was an integrated Masters at Cambridge which does not even have the most expensive accommodation. She worked in the summer holidays but did not have the time to work in term time. I can imagine in another year or 2, £100k will be the cost of the course.

The student loan is charged supposedly at a given rate, rather like a graduate tax. DD will pay it off for 30 years once she hits the earnings threshold. However, she has managed to save some money to use as a nest egg.

I completely understand why your DH feels aggrieved about the inheritance going; your DD's will be spending money on something that, if they played the system, they might never end up paying back. Imagine if they graduated with say £80k of loans. They paid a little off, then perhaps moved abroad, or had a child or worked P/T or a combination of any of them. In those cases, they wouldn't pay it all back and after 30 years the loan would be wiped. They could still have that £100k because it's income that is used for the repayment calculations.

But the plan isn't to not have a student loan too, isn't it? OP is asking her daughter to use some of her inheritance to help to cover the shortfall? So the gap depending on how much loan she is entitled to

Whatever you do, is fine imho, providing you give both of your DDs the same amount of support.

Surely if you go part time your contribution will go down as income lower?

Some unbelievable responses here.

You have carried the family financially and now would like to step back a bit.

You absolutely should do this.

What a piece of work your husband is.

He's looked after himself well.

Not that laid back actually, more like a really selfish arsehole.

I would be so unimpressed with his stance.

It should also be a real wake up call for you.

The girls might fritter this money away, whilst YOU work yourself to the bone?...as your husband does the VERY LEAST he can get away with?

Don't ASK him.

TELL him.

The girls can use their inheritance OR he can get job that pays.

YOU however will be reducing your hours.

I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Hasn't he really shown his hand.🙄

He has very lithle concern for you, the family work horse.

YANBU at all.

@MargaretThursday

I thing the thing that doesn't sit well with me is that effectively with her MIL's money OP is planning on using to drop down her hours at work.

If that was a husband wanting to do that with the wife's money then MN would be telling her to LTB.

I think I'd be quite upset if that was dh's reaction after my mum had died. If he wanted to do that with his parents' money then that would be different.

If they had been discussing how to drop down her hours and they had suggested that the dc worked to get through uni, then to me with would be different.
But to suggest it because of the inheritance comes across, however OP may mean it not to, as "I'm getting my hands on it somehow" when it really isn't hers to take.

It's not a question of her DC's money being 'hers' to take. But whether HER money is theirs to take, when they have got money of their own now. Would you say the same if the DC had won the lottery?

@billy1966

Some unbelievable responses here.

You have carried the family financially and now would like to step back a bit.

You absolutely should do this.

What a piece of work your husband is.

He's looked after himself well.

Not that laid back actually, more like a really selfish arsehole.

I would be so unimpressed with his stance.

It should also be a real wake up call for you.

The girls might fritter this money away, whilst YOU work yourself to the bone?...as your husband does the VERY LEAST he can get away with?

Don't ASK him.

TELL him.

The girls can use their inheritance OR he can get job that pays.

YOU however will be reducing your hours.

I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Hasn't he really shown his hand.🙄

He has very lithle concern for you, the family work horse.

YANBU at all.

Children's uni paid for by wife. Children's house deposit paid for by mother (god bless her soul). piece of work.. too polite a term to use!