To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

Honestly don't waste it on this if you can afford to help support them and were expecting to during the student years. Encourage DC not to touch those funds and use them for a large deposit on a property when ready

@Aderyn21 exactly that I think some don't understand how the system works or are too well off to have to worry
Its all about the kids with no account taken for how the job is affecting the mum here , it seems op is paying for rent and living , if the daughters don't want to spend the inheritance they can get jobs etc
They may not want to buy a house with it either , they may want to travel or buy cars etc , who knows

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Belladonna12 oh you kids don't know anyone so must be untrue
Many people have to self fund the full maintenance loan isn't that high either when you see what it has to cover and many don't have funds to help
Just because you earn a set amount not all have the same disposable income and thats what counts
The OP has also said they still would help but just not as much which is perfectly fair
WhAt if one of the lost their jobs then they would have to look at other ways
Relying totally on someone else isn't always feasible as things change [/quote]
What am I saying that is untrue? I haven't said that every parent contributes. I just think that the majority do apart from those on a full loan. OP has also said that she will contribute. It's pretty obvious to most people with half a brain that you're meant to contribute or they wouldn't ask for parental income when assessing the loan amount.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Aderyn21 exactly that I think some don't understand how the system works or are too well off to have to worry
Its all about the kids with no account taken for how the job is affecting the mum here , it seems op is paying for rent and living , if the daughters don't want to spend the inheritance they can get jobs etc
They may not want to buy a house with it either , they may want to travel or buy cars etc , who knows [/quote]
I don't think you understand how the system works if you think parents aren't expected to contribute apart from those on a very low income. Why do you think parental income is taken into account when assessing whether a student should receive a loan?

@TeddyTonks

Don't 'put it aside' at all. Encourage them to use it as a deposit immediately and purchase a property near their place of study. They can live in it and let out the rooms to cover mortgage and bills. Then maybe give them some spends if you can afford it?

Obviously viability of this option depends on house prices/rents in the area, but also means the money is invested in property which will hopefully increase in value.

How are they going to get a mortgage with no income?

@Belladonna12 do you think thats why they ask I think anyone with half a brain would know they do this so they have to loan less as lots of it never gets paid back anyway
You know lots of people don't go to uni as they can't afford it
Do you actually even know what the full loan is or if you earn £50000 how much your child would get ?

Yes, OP, you should work yourself to the bone so that your kids can have an easy life. Why should you be able to relax and enjoy yourself?

@Belladonna12 the government may expect it aa its leas for them to lend doesn't actually mean its doable for many,

@LovelyQuiche

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves. I’m with you op. Your children need to pay for some of their education since it’s a choice not a right

I absolutely agree with this. For some people, funding DC uni fees will mean cutting back a little on the luxuries in life.

For us, it would have meant not being able to eat or heat the house basically. Or feed the children we had left at home. I don't have a 'spare' few grand a year. I couldn't find a spare few grand a year.

On paper, I earned enough to be expected to 'top up' their money. In reality, I'm scraping by every month desperately trying to cope with no savings, no holidays and driving a 16 year old car. People who would be 'shocked' that I didn't pay towards my children's uni obviously don't live in the real world that most of us inhabit.

To suggest that despite money being tight for you, and you working in a stressful and demanding job you should pay uni fees is ludicrous.

Your children are adults, who have apparently inherited in excess of £100k each. And yet expect to keep every penny of that whilst allowing their exhausted (middle aged?) mother to keep working hard to hand over £1000s per year to them.

This is the most ridiculously fucking entitled generation ever.

@MelaniaFlump

Their parents could have ensured that if she had left the money to them

She didn’t have to leave it to any of them. As it is, she left it to DC. Why would you assume Op would be generous if she’d been left the money, given what she’s suggesting having not been left the money.

Why would you assume I wouldn't be generous? All I've ever done is support my kids and I have put that first no matter what, even when I've become more and more stressed at work. Okay if you think I'm wrong to consider them using some (not much, not most) of their inheritance to go towards their uni costs, but you have no right to be implying I don't care about them and would look to rip them off no matter what.

Yes, parents are expected to contribute. That doesn't mean all parents can, or do, or even want to (that is a different matter), but the university system is predicated on the basis that parents will contribute.

OP has admitted that she can afford to, and has budgeted to do so, reneging on that commitment now would be pretty shitty.

Separately, though, OP is perfectly reasonable to tell her DH that she wants/needs to reduce her work commitments and that he will need to step up to compensate if there isn't to be a drop in family living standards.

You have worked hard all your life and now deserve to be able to take it easy

And where does the OP state her age? She could easily be in her mid-forties. She doesn’t sound like someone heading for retirement.
I bet a lot of people on here would love to ‘take it easy’ from early middle age, if that applies to the iOP.. Not many posters would say that to a man who wanted to have an easy life at the expense of his children.

I can't decide!

It would be more usual for your DH's mother to have left her estate to be shared between her children rather than GC - in which case your husband would inherit the £200+K . Presumably he wouldn't have passed that straight on to your DC AND paid for all their uni expenses?

However, I can see your DH's point to some extent. I worked out recently that DC will been c. £100K in terms help with property deposit to have what DH and I had with zero help from parents, taking into account averages earnings and house prices on the first property we bought (ignoring the also increased gap between starter and family home!). It certainly means that you don't have to worry about helping them with a deposit too.

@twominutesmore

"Did you read OP's posts properly? The DH has a 9-5 stress free job."

It would be interesting to hear whether dh agrees that his job is stress free.

Well, he does. I thought I made clear that he/we made a decision years ago that he would essentially coast at work and wouldn't try to progress or get involved in 'all that bullshit' , as he put it. He's very laid back and just not driven, which worked well while I was. Now less so.

Yes, parents are expected to contribute. That doesn't mean all parents can, or do, or even want to (that is a different matter), but the university system is predicated on the basis that parents will contribute.

OP has admitted that she can afford to, and has budgeted to do so, reneging on that commitment now would be pretty shitty.

Separately, though, OP is perfectly reasonable to tell her DH that she wants/needs to reduce her work commitments and that he will need to step up to compensate if there isn't to be a drop in family living standards
Totally agree with this. There's a separate conversation to be had about how OP and DH areange their earnings. Really if OP is struggling then DH should be stepping up. It's all very nice that he's not wanted a promotion and he is fortunate that OP has been happy to carry more of the financial load, but now it's his turn to step up (imo).

Personally, I think it's better that the DH steps up and accepts that it's now his turn to do a bit more (after OP has carried the load for a while and made his work life a bit easier) than to go back on agreements supporting children at university.

@MadMadMadamMim this is so true the system is shit , when you have other kids still at home and bills etc
My ds will get £4000 loan his accommodation is £6000 ish thats £2000 top up needed then his living costs of lets say £50 a week ( bit tight ) £2600 , then say mobile £200 a year , thats £4800 we need to find plus some clothes etc
We don't have that we have a couple hundred left every month after bills etc and together we earn ok salaries but cost of living and rent/ mortgage is high these days

@trippinglyonthetongue do your dc work at all ?

It is up to you as in most cases in England there is no legal obligation just an expectation that you will make up the minimum maintenance loan to the maximum. I h ave chosen to fund mine without any student loans at all - it just depends what parents choose to do.

I was expected to use some of my inheritance towards my uni costs. I think this is reasonable.

Had your DH mentally allocated your joint savings to pay for the kids Uni rent/living costs on the basis that he would inherit from his mum ?

Presumably the money that has been left to the gc means that there's less inheritance coming to DH (and you as his spouse) so it would seem entirely reasonable to expect them to part fund their Uni costs out of it as it's been carved out of their parents funds anyway.

If DH's mum left DH nothing, passing the entire estate on to her gc instead then I'd be 100% behind your expecting the kids to see this therefore needing to fund their Uni costs. I'd get the kids on side by explaining this.

This is the most ridiculously fucking entitled generation ever.

It is. But to be fair it isn’t their fault. Look at all the posts asserting that it’s absolutely right to sit on £100k while expecting parents who are worse off than you to support you. And that said parents are “grabby” if they don’t just roll over and keep handing money over.

He's very laid back and just not driven, which worked well while I was. Now less so.

Well then your circumstances have changed OP, and you need to re-negotiate the deal! You need a break, so he has to step up, that's what being a team is all about.

Yours and DH's financial situation has not changed. Your DS's have, but that's a separate matter. You need to impress upon your DH that you need to reduce your workload.

@TrickyD

You have worked hard all your life and now deserve to be able to take it easy

And where does the OP state her age? She could easily be in her mid-forties. She doesn’t sound like someone heading for retirement.
I bet a lot of people on here would love to ‘take it easy’ from early middle age, if that applies to the iOP.. Not many posters would say that to a man who wanted to have an easy life at the expense of his children.

But it’s not at the expense of her adult children is it? It would be a case of them contributing some of their large inheritance towards uni and investing in their own education and future. Which surely any self respecting adult would do rather than have their mother stressed out working in a full time demanding job when she didn’t need to thanks to this inheritance. Op is hardly asking them to go and work down a mine to subsidise her working part time is she?!

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Belladonna12 do you think thats why they ask I think anyone with half a brain would know they do this so they have to loan less as lots of it never gets paid back anyway
You know lots of people don't go to uni as they can't afford it
Do you actually even know what the full loan is or if you earn £50000 how much your child would get ? [/quote]
do you think thats why they ask I think anyone with half a brain would know they do this so they have to loan less as lots of it never gets paid back anyway

I'm not sure what you are saying here.

You know lots of people don't go to uni as they can't afford it

Which people can't afford it? Would it be those whose parents are meant to contribute but don't? Students without parents can afford it because they receive a full loan.

Do you actually even know what the full loan is or if you earn £50000 how much your child would get ?

I'm not sure why you're asking but the full loan is £9,706. If the parent is earning 50,000 student would receive £6,234 and the parent would be expected to make up the difference (i.e. 3,472).

How sensible are they? I would suggest that if they still want money from you for expenses, that you 'keep safe' some of their inheritance for them until they are ready to buy a house. Imagine paying their way through Uni and finding they've wasted the money on nights out and holidays.