To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

@WombatChocolate

I think a lot if posters on here don't realise how many families choose to contribute nothing to uni costs. Even when their child only qualifies for part of the accommodation loan due to family income, lots of families choose not to top up. They either can't afford to, or they don't think it's their responsibility. They take the view that the loans are there for a reason, to fund most of it and then be repaid by the beneficiary....the child, not the parent, plus anything extra required can be earned as a student.

Huge numbers take this view, and in lots of ways it's perfectly reasonable. If the parental contribution ends up being something like £5k pa most students could earn close to this over a year or the summer. The loan is there so the student can repay it if they earn enough, and we al know most never pay it all off. MArtin Lewis the money saving expert advocates at all families take the loan, even the well off and that for most at least some of it will be free money.

So, regardless of the inheritance, many would suggest the kids in OP's scenario still take the loans for the course fee and whatever they can get for accommodation. If they are e norm, much of it will never be repaid anyway...not from their inheritance or any other source. The only bit left to consider is the amount the accommodation loan doesn't consider. As has been said, it would use perhaps 10-15% of the inheritance, leaving about £85k for a deposit.

Isn't this sensible? Isn't the kid getting agreat start and at the same time, the parents have a few more options too? Shouldn't the kid also be getting a job for the Holidays?

Inheritance is there for whatever the recipent decides it's best to be used for. But a recipient can't decide they'd also like someone else to fund lots of the other stuff for them too, while they just sit on the cash - they have to make choices and having that cash crucially gives them a levl nif financial indepdence and ability to make choices that not all 18 year olds have.

Start by putting down some figures. What loans have already been taken? What is required for later years? What financial contributions have parents made so far? What will remain to be funded outside if loans? What does child earn in a year? See what's actually needed.then have a sensible conversation as adults about it all.

I can say that if my DC received an inheritance, Inwould adjust my saving for them and my current plans for work and retirement.

Yes, they should be able to go to uni. That needs facilitating and I'm prepared to plug any gaps if there isn't another source of plugging them. But if my child gained a load of cash, I'd especi them to take on at least some if that burden. This is all post-18 and I don't intend to financially support them when they've gained financial independence.

Or would some people who were saving for their kids in their 20s to help with a house deposit, still keep doing that even if a massive inheritanc occurred then....just because threat what they'd always planned to do? When circumstances change, you adjust your plans.

My parents used to pay £100 of my monthly rent when I started work as I struggled. Once I got a pay rise, they stopped. I could now cover myself. This is a similar scenario and just becaue they are parents and just because they were willing to pay when child had no other source of uni funding,doesn't mean they should continue to when the situation has totally changed. This inheritance mostly benefits the child, but it's existence can also help the parents by reducing the burden of their young adult children on their purses.....and it's fine for them to benefit too.

How many parents choose to contribute nothing? Have you seen any statistics or are you just assuming?

My DC are at uni and know very few whose parents don't contribute apart from those who receive a full loan because their parents are on a low income.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

You have worked hard all your life and now deserve to be able to take it easy.

Just tell the girls you want to go part-time and so will not be able to fund them completely.

@Mirrorball2022 thats what the op suggested still helping but not as much , which seems fair
But mn is full of people who don't know what struggling is so think we all should fund our dc
Me and dh know earn £60 k between us so ds won't get the full loan and will be short of rent and living etc ao he is working
As although we now earn a ok amount, i had been out of work for 2 years and debts have built up and with other children etc we can only help a little , but he knows this and has taken a year out to work and get some money behind him

Can I ask why you are funding them at uni. My 3 kids have all gone and we have paid their accommodation but that was it. They got student loan for fees and the minimum loan for living but had to live on that or get a job. They all managed ok without too horrendous an overdraft and working in the holidays/summer if they wanted more. Why are you funding their living costs? Unless they are in London in which case a bit different I imagine.

I should say - I work part-time. I don't intend to work full-time so that ds can keep his savings.

@Belladonna12 oh you kids don't know anyone so must be untrue
Many people have to self fund the full maintenance loan isn't that high either when you see what it has to cover and many don't have funds to help
Just because you earn a set amount not all have the same disposable income and thats what counts
The OP has also said they still would help but just not as much which is perfectly fair
WhAt if one of the lost their jobs then they would have to look at other ways
Relying totally on someone else isn't always feasible as things change

I see where you're coming from but I don't think that what you are planning is quite fair and the way you said it to your DH was pretty tactless! You were planning to give your children some money to help them through university but now they have an inheritance, you don't expect to give them the same help. That does look as if you are clawing back the money that their grandmother has left them to make your own life easier. It's very unfortunate that MiL hasn't left any to DH or to you but she didn't.

I don't think it's awful to expect them to fund some things but saying they must "self fund university" is a big jump. I don't know what you have promised your children already, or given to them already, but you can't go back on that now.

You need to talk to DH about your job and how stressful and about wanting/needing to cut your hours, but try to separate that a bit from the inheritance. Talking about the children's inheritance as the solution to your own (and DH's) problem wasn't a good idea.

@user1471600850

Can I ask why you are funding them at uni. My 3 kids have all gone and we have paid their accommodation but that was it. They got student loan for fees and the minimum loan for living but had to live on that or get a job. They all managed ok without too horrendous an overdraft and working in the holidays/summer if they wanted more. Why are you funding their living costs? Unless they are in London in which case a bit different I imagine.

Surely the acommodation would be about the same as the expected parental contribution anyway.

mn is full of people who don't know what struggling is so think we all should fund our dc

I am not particularly struggling but I had Saturday jobs and worked during university when I could get a job, so I think students should contribute to their lifestyles by working. They should not have everything handed to them on a plate. I more or less have handed everything to ds on a plate, anyway, as he has savings and doesn't have to work unless he wants more money for holidays etc.

So if there is a pot of money sitting there, I think it's reasonable to say use some of it for uni and work alongside; and keep the rest of it for a house deposit (assuming the kids don't have immediate access and don't blow it on cars and post-lockdown-holidays).

I really don’t think it’s fair to accuse the OP of ‘taking’ her children’s inheritance for herself if she expects them to self fund uni, even if she had expected to fund it.

Either the money belongs to the individual with no strings, in which case the children should decide what to do with it themselves (and DH can leave his house aspirations out if it, too) AND the same applies to HER money. It’s hers, she can decide whether to give it for education, or that her mental health is more important.

Or, you can say that this family is made up of all adults (or almost adults) who have resources and must decide collaboratively how to meet everyone’s needs with those resources, and that these resources have changed. Mum doesn’t HAVE to burn herself out anymore to pay for uni, so maybe it makes sense not to?

If the inheritance had arrived earlier, she would most likely have put some aside for education to make things easier on the family finances. If later, I’m sure she wouldn’t expect the kids to pay back their support, but might well have kept money she’d intended to give them for a house. It’s in between though, so it’s going to be a hybrid solution.

Legally, it’s every person for themselves (including the kids) but this family is still financially functioning as a collaborative, and it’s fair to apply that to funds as well as expenses to some extent.

I think you should see a financial advisor, as a family. There are lots of things you aren’t really considering. For example, the OP is paying tax on her income (and likely higher rate) and the children are not. There will be more money FOR EVERYONE if the children can earn income from their money in their name and use if for their expenses in their nil rate tax band, rather than their mother earning it, paying 40% tax and then paying their expenses. If they could use their full allowance that’s about £10k between them mum doesn’t have to earn. A financial advisor can probably hammer out a solution that means the kids can invest, use the income for education and the capital (hopefully with some growth) for a house later on, keeping DHs house dreams alive and allowing the OP to step back at work and retain her sanity. The kids might be less on board with this, and planning to piss the lot up the SU wall, and that’s why I think you should partially reduce your support. They need skin in this game, but not complete responsibility, they still need support to have choices they won’t regret later.

[quote ajandjjmum]@Abigail12345654321 That's my point - talk about these things beforehand. Don't just make a decision in a Will and not discuss your reasons for making that decision. That can lead to hurt and misunderstanding.[/quote]
Indeed - though if any of the beneficiaries or those excluded don’t believe it’s fair, there will still be hurt. Saying ‘it’s not because we don’t love you’ won’t help someone feel less loved or not loved regardless of what is said, if not equal.

If one sibling needs extra, it should be for the other siblings to look after them if needed. Again making it uneven suggests parents don’t trust them. But you raised them!!

@LolaSmiles

(Their parents could have ensured that if she had left the money to them* They might.

Or they might not.

They might decide to 'borrow' from the pot and say they'll put it back in one day and it doesn't happen.

They might have an acrimonious divorce and the money gets caught up in that.

They might decide to use the money so that one can go part time and the other doesn't have to bring in any more money.

They might have it in savings or in an asset which is used to fund their care.

One parent might pass away, the other remarried and before you know it the grandparent's assets tbey wanted to go to their grandchildren are actually being passed to their child in law's new spouse.

If someone has a wish for someone to inherit from them, it needs to go in the will.

It's almost as though a lot of posters have missed MN threads where things like that have happened. Only recently there was a bunch of people saying how after remarriage, their remaining parent had died and everything went to the new wife's kids and they got nothing.

If one's grown-up kids are financially sorted, many FA will recommend inheritances going straight to the GCs (preferably in a trust). It prevents this sort of problem, and can also be tax efficient. And if I'm honest, if I had any doubts about either of my kids' spouses, I'd seriously consider it. Otherwise there's nothing preventing them leaving and taking half my DDs' inheritance with them.

They should should take all loans available and get part time or holiday jobs. I would not be funding them especially after such a generous inheritance!

Belladonna12
“They take the view that the loans are there for a reason, to fund most of it and then be repaid by the beneficiary.“
I think one problem is that even if the student takes out all the loans available and assumes full responsibility for paying them back, the loan for living doesn’t even begin to cover the cost because of rents.

@oncemoreunto its where the system is wrong it assumes parental help bit taking any account if the actual disposable income available or if the amount needed to top up is actually affordable once parents have paid their own mortgage and bills etc
We can't top up the difference my ds needs , we simply don't have it we will do our best and help where we can and he knows this and is working this year to help fund himself as well

There is no expected parental contribution if you earn over a certain amount - they get a student loan and if you earn less then they get slightly more for their maintainence loan. if you chose to help by paying their rent that is your (my) choice but parents are not expected to do this - not actually sure how they would pay their rent if parents didn't help but that is a different question. Parents are not expected to fund uni - students are expected to do this via their loans!

I would let my children choose what they do with their inheritance. It was left to them by their grandparent.

Have an honest conversation with your children. It’s not really fair for your husband to stipulate that you work yourself to the ground and then he gets to decide where the money goes.

Your children might choose to invest in property which could mean that their rent is reduced, they may even be able to rent out a spare room to cover their repayments. That would save you paying rent and they don’t fritter the money away. Your DH seems quite sure that they will spend the money in property, in fact they could burn through that very quickly. Especially if they know they have you as a safety net.

But everything you say confirms what I’m saying.
People do this only when there is an issue.
No they don't!
Nobody knows what's around the corner in life, which is why if someone wants someone else to inherit then they need to mention it in the will.

If assets were divided between children and grandchildren that also rarely causes ill will.
But that isn’t what has happened here.
No it isn't, because the grandparent made the decision to give to grandchildren (as is their right) because nobody knows what is around the corner in life and the only way to ensure the people you want will inherit is to put it clearly in your will.

Your obsession that the only right thing to do is to give to children and everything else is toxic or a sign you don't trust children sounds a little paranoid.

I'm not a grandparent yet, but if i want future grandchildren to inherit then it will be written in my will that I want them to inherit. I'm wouldn't leave everything to DC and just hope some of the money makes it to DGC. I have no control over DC's lives or circumstances. Any of my assets could easily be swallowed in care costs for DC and my grandchildren could never see a penny. There might be a divorce, and my grandchildren never saw a penny. My own child might die, my assets go to their spouse and then in the event of remarriage all my assets go to someone else's family instead of my own flesh and blood.

Anyone who expects their wishes to happen based on nothing more than good will and crossed fingers is quite silly.

The trouble with parental income being used to decide what adults can borrow is that it does not take into account the parents other commitments - whether they have a big mortgage, other children to support, debts etc. It's a really unfair system. I can't believe some posters think the op should pay, with one telling her to move house to afford it. All while her kids sit on 100k each!

Parents do their best to pay because they know this is important for their children but they should never have been put in a position where it's expected. Funny how MN is all 'kids are adults at 18' except when it comes to university!

There are a hell of a lot of people working themselves into the ground to pay for this when it should never have been their obligation to in the first place.

Also in my experience, kids tend to value more what they've had to contribute to. Spending a little bit of their own money to take the pressure off their mum is a good thing.

Also, now I've given it some thought, yes, had my late husband have inherited from his parents, I would have felt that, after we'd talked about the options, he should have the casting vote on what happened to it. And I'm pretty sure he's have felt the same had I inherited while he was alive.

@Belladonna12 do you know the prices of accommodation ?

"had my late husband have inherited"

Ugh. Badly edited. Lose the have

@Valenciaoranges

I would let my children choose what they do with their inheritance. It was left to them by their grandparent.

This

What does your daughter think OP? Have you said you'd like to reduce your workload?
Is it just your DH who's pushing the house plan?

@AmaryllisNightAndDay the OP never said cut all help though just cut back so big difference and things change what if one of them lost a job ?