To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

he can't just click his fingers and increase his earnings overnight.
Well perhaps he could go for one of the promotions that OP has said he refuses to consider?

It would be interesting to hear whether dh agrees that his job is stress free.
OP is a HCP. DH's job is very unlikely to have been as stressful, at least for the last 2 years.

Haven't read all of the thread, but I can never understand these decisions being made without conversations happening within the family, years before the Wills come into effect. My DP told us years ago that they planned to leave their Estate to their DGC - we were lucky in that they'd helped us along the way, and we were lucky in our business, so didn't need their money - although we would have used it!

When the time came, the money for our DC was invested - they used a little for uni, but the majority paid for their house deposits, and DH and I helped significantly with their uni costs. We were happy to do so.

I will no doubt help my daughters but it'll be on the basis that it's a bonus and not mandatory.

I thought the loan program was worked out on the basis of parental income and the expectation of parental support?

@LolaSmiles

But everything you say confirms what I’m saying.

People do this only when there is an issue.

If assets were divided between children and grandchildren that also rarely causes ill will.

But that isn’t what has happened here.

This is a regular theme on mumsnet. It’s always either about toxic power and control by the dying person or a kind dying person trying to protect the beneficiary from their own toxic parents or whoever.

But it’s always based on an underlying problem.

@ajandjjmum

Haven't read all of the thread, but I can never understand these decisions being made without conversations happening within the family, years before the Wills come into effect. My DP told us years ago that they planned to leave their Estate to their DGC - we were lucky in that they'd helped us along the way, and we were lucky in our business, so didn't need their money - although we would have used it!

When the time came, the money for our DC was invested - they used a little for uni, but the majority paid for their house deposits, and DH and I helped significantly with their uni costs. We were happy to do so.

That's great if you're able to. DS is on the verge of going to Uni, we'll support him fully. He has a child trust fund which is enough to support him, but we are happy to do it so he can save it. However, we're not in OP's position of finding work tough. That's different.

@Cantgetgoing

Mumsnet is another planet sometimes 😐 I wouldn't want my mum working herself to the bone to fund me whilst I sat on 100K. Why can't the students get a loan for tuition and whatever maintenance they can and they either OP can just top up (hopefully not £££) or they get a job? Most people I know had a part time job / were a bit skint! I managed to fund myself through uni, masters AND buy a house at 25 without an inheritance!! And before anyone jumps in, that was in 2019 so not long ago!

But presumably if yoh could work part time, it wasn't a massively lecture heavy /assessment heavy course...? On our course in the 1990s...People who worked enough to top up... Were really really not coping with the amount of reading.

Also... Im assuming you're not ib the south east?

@oncemoreunto

I will no doubt help my daughters but it'll be on the basis that it's a bonus and not mandatory.

I thought the loan program was worked out on the basis of parental income and the expectation of parental support?

Expectation. A lot of families can't afford to bridge that gap, so a lot of students have no choice but to support themselves.

DS will be over 5k short a year as he'll get minimal loan - that's a lot of money for us to find

@ajandjjmum

Haven't read all of the thread, but I can never understand these decisions being made without conversations happening within the family, years before the Wills come into effect. My DP told us years ago that they planned to leave their Estate to their DGC - we were lucky in that they'd helped us along the way, and we were lucky in our business, so didn't need their money - although we would have used it!

When the time came, the money for our DC was invested - they used a little for uni, but the majority paid for their house deposits, and DH and I helped significantly with their uni costs. We were happy to do so.

Again healthy if discussed and you’ve benefited already - but that’s not the same as a surprise generational skip or deciding to leave 20% to Mary and 80% to Bob while claiming its ‘not about love’! Causes problems!

I am fortunate - my parents are very fair and even handed but have seen so much upset across many families and people should be a bit wiser to what they are doing and stop making out they believe it won’t cause hurt if they are unfair!

@FudgeSundae

If they were left 30K, I agree. But they're left 100K. That's more than enough for everything. Heck any deposit, even 50K is a lot more than most people have. Why shouldn't they use some of it to fund their education?

I think this is going to be one of the differences in opinions. The average house price in this country is now £275k, and depending on where you live a starter home might be £100k or £400k. Around here, the cheapest property is about £250k and a good graduate starter salary is £25k. Using a 5x earnings multiple and 100k deposit, a new grad might JUST about be able to buy somewhere but they would need every penny of that £100k. £50k would not do unless they were on a better salary or buying with a partner.

I agree @FudgeSundae

It really depends where you live. Starting salary in London might be 30k but you'd need every spec of the 100k for a deposit.

@sofakingcool You're absolutely right.

I suppose the situation has arisen because the two issues are being combined into one, whereas if the OP was struggling, steps should have been taken within the family to ease her load, regardless of uni costs.

@twominutesmore

It just feels wrong to me.

Granny is dead, you have a large inheritance, oh goody mum can go part time, thanks kids. Distasteful.

This.

I don’t work, not through choice, I’m too ill. DH works hard, has had promotions and doesn’t resent me staying at home. We funded DS2’s university as much as we could, he got a job too. However, if our children had received an inheritance, regardless of it being £1k or £100k, neither of us would have expected them to fund their higher education. DH would have been the one, more than me tbf, to say it most definitely should be saved for a deposit on a house.

@Theunamedcat

They can declare that they are leaving home self funding and will get more of a loan

No they can't

@Abigail12345654321 That's my point - talk about these things beforehand. Don't just make a decision in a Will and not discuss your reasons for making that decision. That can lead to hurt and misunderstanding.

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect the dds to fund themselves. 30000 for college would still leave them with 70 for a deposit. I think it was a bit mean of your mil to skip a generation.

Anyway the OP luckily has some backbone and is doing the sensible thing. Having a family discussion, ignoring the posters who seem to be on another planet
Don’t know if she’ll return to the thread but good luck OP.

@UnderTheSea20k

Also if you're not happy with your husband's financial contribution to the family, take that up with him, it's not on to loot the kids' inheritance for that.

Exactly. The DH sounds like a lazy loser. Just because the OP has tolerated and enabled this, it is no excuse for taking the children’s inheritance. Sort out your DH.

@Arabellla

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default

I agree. People are losing sight of the fact that the dc are now adults, they can get loans to cover their tuition and living expenses.

The inheritance is a boon, so that OP no longer works herself ragged as the primary earner, and the dc can go to uni without incurring significant debt.

Except they can't. As has been pointed out time and time again the amount available to borrow depends on household income. AND ALWAYS HAS.

@twominutesmore

"I also don’t quite understand what’s stopping them getting jobs?"

They might have jobs - has op said? It doesn't matter anyway since op worked out how much the family could afford to top them up. Presumably the kids live within that budget or do indeed get jobs if it's not enough. Some degrees are not possible alongside a part time job.

Very true, you’re right I don’t think OP has said whether or not they have jobs. However, if they do I really can’t imagine an adult with a job, and 100k of savings, needs additional money to a point that justifies their parent making themselves ill with work.

There’s very, very few degrees that mean a student can’t even work outside of term time

I haven't read all the comments but I would prefer it to be put aside for housing as it's getting harder and harder to get on the ladder.

Anyone in my family and wider family have all had to self fund uni. Through grants, loans and working too. No one has the money to help out, maybe a little here and there but not regular payments for everything. If it is a large sum can’t you do a mix of both. You pay less, take some of the inheritance and also they work part time too
If you are paying a smaller amount you may be able to drop some work hours?

I’m full time HCP too and I’m bloody knackered and wanting to reduce my hours too. So I get it. I’d have hated my parents to have worked harder and gone without to fund my choices.

@Theluggage15 but hypocritical as you state you don't work sue to health which is fair enough the op has said her role ans hrs are having an impact on her and she is the high earner , so why can she not also consider her health if her hrs/ job are making her unwell why can she not step back a bit , her dh can always get a second job if he is that against them using the money

Don't 'put it aside' at all. Encourage them to use it as a deposit immediately and purchase a property near their place of study. They can live in it and let out the rooms to cover mortgage and bills. Then maybe give them some spends if you can afford it?

Obviously viability of this option depends on house prices/rents in the area, but also means the money is invested in property which will hopefully increase in value.

I don’t think you are been unreasonable at all, but I think your husband is right that they should not touch this money but keep it for deposits. It is almost impossible to get a start with a place to live. Once you start nibbling on money like that it soon disappears.

Another option would be, if they were at the same university, to buy a flat together with it and save huge amounts of rent. Maybe other posters have good ideas.

It is very hard on you both to have two in university, and especially on you, but it won’t go on for ever. Maybe if they work in the long holidays that would help too.

Depending on where, or what, they are studying, working their way throughout the term time might be difficult if they have a heavy load of university work.

[quote twominutesmore]"@twominutesmore
Do the dd’s not benefit from going to uni then?"

They are already heading off to uni with finances agreed and in place.

The only person benefitting if the inheritance replaces the parental contribution is op.[/quote]
Yes, how dare OP want to benefit from her own hard work and hard earned money which has funded DDs and DH up until now?!

I am 100% with your DH on this