Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 18/02/2022 16:19

@WombatChocolate

I'm surprised by the vitriol towards Op.

She isnt trying to seize the inheritance.

She wonders if it can allow the family to adjust their spending and working patterns, because the financial burden in them now and into the future has changed.

Imagine if OP had hoped she would save £25k over child for a house deposit and give it to them at 25. Would it now be wrong to decide not to do that and instead retire early or go part time? Would it be wrong because she'd already planned it? No of course not, because those kids have come into £100k each and that's a great start for them. They simply won't need the £25k any longer.

This is the same scenario basically. It's not about grabbing inheritanc, but about re-assessing upcoming expenditure and realising expenditure that was planned might not be necessary, and considering the possible positive consequences of that....going part time or taking lower paid job etc. Seems totally sensible to me.

Plans are made for particular scenarios ...or they should be. We plan to find our kids in terms of parental contribution, as there is no other source of income. But if another source appears, parental plans should be reconsidered at least. We plan to fund our child's piano lessons, but if they get a bursary for their piano lessons, we don't decide we must still give them that money, but redeploy it to something else...perhaps it will be for the child, or the house or ourself...no right answer.

Financial planning should be a dynamic and changing thing, responding to circumstances. Sometimes something bad happens....we lose a job, we incur a surprise expense etc and we adjust out soending plans accordingly. Likewise, a windfall should lead to adjustments too. Family memebers who previously needed help might not any more. Being so rigid and not recognising change or responding to it just seems daft,e specially when it constrains some family members to a miserable life, which they coukd escape.

^this !!!
Abigail12345654321 · 18/02/2022 16:21

@twominutesmore

"I’m giving my experiences. That’s what we do on public fora."

You must know a great number of toxic elderly people who wrote unfair wills and confided their motives to you before their death.

I don’t need to know their motives. It’s the effect that is relevant. It divides families. Old people have lived. They will have seen it themselves in others. Of course they know anything other than even handedness can damage relationships.
twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 16:22

Does you dh work full time op? Seems rather petulant to criticise him for not earning enough, not being confident or clever enough to get promotions. It seems it's only unfair to be the breadwinner on mn if you are a woman.

LolaSmiles · 18/02/2022 16:22

Yes I’m aware of all that. But it’s still best to not skip generations and trust your children to look after their children. You raised your children. They are a product of your upbringing. So why wouldn’t you trust them?
Cross posted with this, but I've just answered it in another post.

Trust doesn't go very far when money is concerned. Thread after thread on here shows that.

Just look at this thread. OP and her DH have children at university and parental contributions. They've made their own work choices, but now their children have inherited it's all about pulling back on their parental contributions and time to go part time off the back of money that isn't even theirs.

Money does strange things to people, which is why it's best for everyone to name who they want to inherit in their will.

Abigail12345654321 · 18/02/2022 16:22

@twominutesmore

"Their parents could have ensured that if she had left the money to them."

Maybe she wasn't certain that op would do that.

I agree. This only happens when there is an underlying issue in the family. It’s never just because they wanted to pass it to the grandchildren. The motivation was something else. It always is.
NurseButtercup · 18/02/2022 16:23

@WombatChocolate

I think there's a degree of infantilising young adults here.

These are bright young adults going to uni, to take on courses that will allow them to pursue (hopefully) happy and successful careers which will enable them to be fully financially independent, and also to support their own kids. They are not children anymore. Yes, they need parental support in a variety of ways but they are growing up and moving on.

Parents have to be willing to start cutting the cords. They have to start letting the kids make some choices and crucially to take some responsibility. That's why it's actually really important they feel financially invested in their degree courses...that they understand the cost of the course fees, the cost of living and what is available as a government loan, how it's paid back and when, and how any shortfall is being made up and any role they can or should have within this. It's not good for them to head off knowing 'parents have sorted it out and I don't need to give it any thought, just go out and spend'.

And parents need to stop thinking that somehow financially supporting children forever, once they have their own means is somehow the sign of good parenting. It's not.

Good parenting and good financial planning, means thinking ahead and getting your child ready for the next stage and helping to take age appropriate steps, which include financial steps. One of those is becoming more aware of the wider impacts on other family memebers of their choices and actions. Kids need to understand what uni costs their parents and the impacts that might have on their retirement and working patterns.m that's not to say kids need to be made to feel guilty about any of it, but simply to have an understanding. And they also need to start learning g to make their own financial choices....choosing accommodation with an eye onthe orice, budgeting, taking on some work to fund some of it. Behaving like a 6 year old financially, or letting them do it, isn't a great parent funding their kid and providing for them, it's doing them no favours longer term.

And helping them udbertsand that you'll always be there, but it's expected that one day they are financially independent is right too. Just because you're their parent and they are your kid,M doesn't mean the parent always has to use their cash and make financial choices to benefit the kids....especially when the kid has some funds if their own.

These kids with £100k will need guidance. It would be a great pity if they piss it up the wall. They will need help thinking about what to do with it short term and medium term. They need help understanding the student loans they have and the implications of them, the cost of housing, likely career paths and possibilities if what to do with the money. They need to be involved in discussion and not just be to,d what to do with it.some expert financial advice might be useful and worthwhile. Sounds like it could be useful for the whole family. And it wouldn't be wrong for the parents to now be considering if this windfall which of course is for the kids, might also benefit them I their expenditure. This is in no way lookimg to rob the kids of their inheritance. It's quite simply that some of the expenditure they thought was required, might not be. That's great, it's not wrong to consider which options you mig now have that you didn't previously.

Some serious discussions and some expert advice are probably required and these young adults need to be involved, not as children, but as adults I really except of a large lump sum, entering in discussion s about their financial future.

Well said!

Strange responses on this thread that DC using inheritance to invest in their education is "wrong" and deemed as the OP shirking her responsibilities as a parent.

user1471504747 · 18/02/2022 16:24

Why are posters acting like OP has decided she’s going to charge her daughters £1000 rent a month or something.

They don’t HAVE to go to uni but if they want to they have more than enough to support themselves whilst still keeping a very very large sum for the future

WonderfulYou · 18/02/2022 16:24

YABU

The reason they get less help with loans is because their parents can afford to help them out.

If they want extra money they can get a PT job like many students do.

But using their inheritance would be a very silly thing to do as it’s so difficult to own your own house and it should definitely be put towards getting on the property ladder.

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 16:24

Their parents could have ensured that if she had left the money to them

She didn’t have to leave it to any of them. As it is, she left it to DC. Why would you assume Op would be generous if she’d been left the money, given what she’s suggesting having not been left the money.

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 16:25

"Of course they know anything other than even handedness can damage relationships."

Well I can guarantee that, if my parents decide to leave everything to my school, there will be no damaged relationships. It doesn't sound as if their son minds either. Maybe relationships are only damaged when someone who isn't a recipient cannot tolerate that fact.

sofakingcool · 18/02/2022 16:25

@BlondeDogLady

By my reckoning, Uni fees and accommodation would come to about £65,000. If they also pay for food and other bills, I think they could burn through almost all of their inheritance.

If your husband's Mum died 6 years from now, they would have received £100k. If the fact that she's died now means that you withdraw financial support that you were already willing to give - this means that you are the one benefitting from the inheritance, when it was meant to be your daughters.

So, on that basis, YABU. Let them use their £100k for what it was intended. You provide the financial support that you had already agreed to and expected to give.

Anything else feels really "off" to me.

Why would it be 65k? Surely she'll still get a student loan to pay for her fees and at least half of her living costs? Have I missed the part when it was said she won't?
Abigail12345654321 · 18/02/2022 16:26

@LolaSmiles

Yes I’m aware of all that. But it’s still best to not skip generations and trust your children to look after their children. You raised your children. They are a product of your upbringing. So why wouldn’t you trust them? Cross posted with this, but I've just answered it in another post.

Trust doesn't go very far when money is concerned. Thread after thread on here shows that.

Just look at this thread. OP and her DH have children at university and parental contributions. They've made their own work choices, but now their children have inherited it's all about pulling back on their parental contributions and time to go part time off the back of money that isn't even theirs.

Money does strange things to people, which is why it's best for everyone to name who they want to inherit in their will.

You can view it different ways.

Yes the grandchildren now inherit but it’s likely to cause some damage in their relationships. Is that good?

Worse when one child or grandchild is given
more than another. Also creates a divide.

It’s about control. If you’re dying, why do that? Unless you hate your children, leave it to them equally and let the world turn. The dynamic between them and their children is their business not the grandparents business. Skipping a generation in case DIL benefits? How toxic is that?!

user1471504747 · 18/02/2022 16:26

I also don’t quite understand what’s stopping them getting jobs?

So OP has to work herself to illness, and her daughters get a degree and an incredibly large house deposit without having to lift a finger?

I don’t think handing young adults everything on a plate is setting them up well for life

SartresSoul · 18/02/2022 16:27

I think it’s up to them what they choose to spend the inheritance on but I also wouldn’t be funding them through uni. Why aren’t they working? Most students work.

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 16:29

It just feels wrong to me.

Granny is dead, you have a large inheritance, oh goody mum can go part time, thanks kids. Distasteful.

sofakingcool · 18/02/2022 16:29

@user1471504747

I also don’t quite understand what’s stopping them getting jobs?

So OP has to work herself to illness, and her daughters get a degree and an incredibly large house deposit without having to lift a finger?

I don’t think handing young adults everything on a plate is setting them up well for life

Absolutely agree. We have a DS on the verge of Uni life and fully intend to support him, but we also expect him to put effort in himself with a job/ summer job before he leaves
StarbucksSmarterSister · 18/02/2022 16:29

Why doesn’t your husband go part time and you continue working full time?

Did you read OP's posts properly? The DH has a 9-5 stress free job, OP is a HCP with stress and long hours. Why should the DH cut back his hours when she's working the longest?

perimenofertility · 18/02/2022 16:31

YANBU! I couldn't imagine taking money from my parents knowing I had that much sitting in the bank. If they are mature responsible young adults they should want to pay their own way in life.

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 16:31

"I also don’t quite understand what’s stopping them getting jobs?"

They might have jobs - has op said? It doesn't matter anyway since op worked out how much the family could afford to top them up. Presumably the kids live within that budget or do indeed get jobs if it's not enough. Some degrees are not possible alongside a part time job.

LolaSmiles · 18/02/2022 16:32

You can view it different ways.

Yes the grandchildren now inherit but it’s likely to cause some damage in their relationships. Is that good?
If the parents aren't eyeing up the inheritance why would it cause issues?

Worse when one child or grandchild is given
more than another. Also creates a divide.

It’s about control. If you’re dying, why do that
Because it's common sense to name who you want to inherit and your wishes should be in a will. Not ab controlling people. Just making your wishes clear.

Unless you hate your children, leave it to them equally and let the world turn.
Because people might want their GRANDCHILDREN to inherit and the only way to ensure that happens is is name the grandchildren.
The dynamic between them and their children is their business not the grandparents business.
Perhaps, but the relationship between grandparent and grandchild IS their business and if they want to help their grandchildren then naming them them the will is the way for that wish to happen.
Skipping a generation in case DIL benefits? How toxic is that?!
Nothing about skipping a generation in case DIL benefits.
It's naming your GRANDCHILDREN in a will because you want want to inherit and you don't want a situation where your assets go to your child in law and their future spouse should life go that way.

You're determined to act like it's toxic and controlling for grandparents to want to draw up a will so their grandchildren are supported.

BacardiOnATuesday · 18/02/2022 16:32

100% with you OP.

Education and deposits are a good use of inheritance and I would most definitely encourage this. If they are studying subjects they want to do in a place they wanted to be then they should contribute given they now can. I wouldn’t have argued about this as a student.

As for you and your job, yes most definitely this is an opportunity for you to take a step back. I really feel for you. Parents should not feel obliged to work themselves into the ground to fund their children’s higher education if there is an alternative.

I am sorry this is causing a problem for you because for me it’s quite simple.

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 16:32

"Did you read OP's posts properly? The DH has a 9-5 stress free job."

It would be interesting to hear whether dh agrees that his job is stress free.

Abigail12345654321 · 18/02/2022 16:34

@twominutesmore

It just feels wrong to me.

Granny is dead, you have a large inheritance, oh goody mum can go part time, thanks kids. Distasteful.

No it isn’t distasteful. How judgemental!

Mum would have worked on, carrying husband and kids, even if she wasn’t coping.

Now she has a choice.

Kids should be offering to take the pressure off.

Anonymouseposter · 18/02/2022 16:35

you raised your children, they are a product of your upbringing, so why wouldn't you trust them?
For the record I do trust my own children but from my observations as an older adult the above is a very naive statement. It's like the "blank sheet" theory that everyone is purely a product of how their parents bring them up.
There are many other factors at play as to whether someone grows up to be trustworthy, upbringing is only part of it.
Not implying that OP is untrustworthy by the way but I do think she's a bit selfish.

Lunar27 · 18/02/2022 16:35

Wow, are parents obliged to pay for their children's uni nowadays? Noone paid for mine and in many ways, self funding made me work harder to make sure it was worth the investment.

I will no doubt help my daughters but it'll be on the basis that it's a bonus and not mandatory. They'll have to work like everyone else as this helps with personal development.

We plan to help ours later in life when settling down.

Re the OP it's tricky but it'd be ideal if their kids thought about their mum and relieved the burden.