To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

Also the whole point of the thread again is about the DH staunch insistence that the daughters' money is for a house. And that expecting them to fund any of uni themselves, now that they have inherited, is robbery!
In what world is expecting people who have money, to use said money, robbery?
Again I'm probs too emotionally involved in this thread, the inheritors are the DC and nobody knows what THEY will do...
But the point is : should OP continue as she was, and fund a huge chunk of it? Although her daughters will be sitting on a huge wad of cash?
That's it really.

If you were mega pushed to pay for them through uni (surely they both have/will have student loans?), then I’d agree that it would really help but I think in terms of their future, them being able to put aside that money for a house is worth much more.

However, it is really annoying of the government to allow the parents of adults to pay for them through uni. In any other circumstance, when would that ever happen?

If they do a 3 yr degree, they wouldn’t be using up the entire 100k so why don’t you look at the finances and agree to use the inheritance for part of the amount...the rent for example.

Uni fees are a burden for many families. For lots, they mean someone or both parents can't pay into their pensions as much as they could be, it means people have to stick it out in jobs they hate, or delay retirement for 3-5 years.

People are willing to do this stuff for their kids, to fund the parts in uni that loans won't cover. But why should they do is and create the negative finds winces fie themselves, if they simply don't need to. THere is no martyr prize in terms of making financial sacrifices for a child....if they aren't actually needed.

I'm doing okay at the moment in financial terms. My parents are elderly and I was always going to be the recipient in their will. Recently they've adjusted it. They can see I'm doing just fine and don't need the cash. They are adjusting their will to leave the money to grandchildren and another relative who has always had difficulties. Are they letting me down? Are they shirking their parental responsibilities? I'd always thought I'd get an inheritance and now I'm not....so is this wrong? No, it's them responding to changing scenarios. If I wasn't doing well, they have left it to me. But because I'm doing well, they can do something different with it. They are leaving it to someone els, but they could have equally splurged it on a complete house revamp and huge amounts of help, making their lives easier...and that would have been fine too.

Can they buy a house where they are at uni ? Won’t be paying rent then and can rent the other rooms out for an income

Also, you have to kind of think what if their grandmother hadn’t passed away before they finished uni. The money would still have had to come from you/loans.

My main concern would be them actually having access to £100k each at 18/19? One of my friends lost her mum at 14 and received her inheritance at 18 about £40k 20 years ago and she squandered the lot at uni within a couple of years!

@sanbeiji

Also the whole point of the thread again is about the DH staunch insistence that the daughters' money is for a house. And that expecting them to fund any of uni themselves, now that they have inherited, is robbery! In what world is expecting people who have money, to use said money, robbery? Again I'm probs too emotionally involved in this thread, the inheritors are the DC and nobody knows what THEY will do... But the point is : should OP continue as she was, and fund a huge chunk of it? Although her daughters will be sitting on a huge wad of cash? That's it really.

Yes

One thing to remember is that if you reduce your earnings your daughters will be entitled to a larger loan and you wouldn’t have to finance their rent and outgoings to such an extent. I also think it is perfectly fair to expect them to contribute to their university living expenses if they have that kind of money sitting in the bank.

@Verbena17

Also, you have to kind of think what if their grandmother hadn’t passed away before they finished uni. The money would still have had to come from you/loans.

Why though? Why is that relevant? The money the DC have left over will be a welcome extra for a deposit, that they wouldn't have had if grandmother hadn't died. They're still better off, AND the OP is better off too.

Like a lot of parents you had planned to financially support your dc through uni.

If you now remove this planned support for your own lifestyle choices instead, essentially it is you that is financially benefitting from their inheritance not them. That wouldn't sit right with me, I agree with your dh.

But the point is : should OP continue as she was, and fund a huge chunk of it? Although her daughters will be sitting on a huge wad of cash?
That's it really.
I think parents (so the OP and her DH) have a responsibility to their parental contributions given the university system is based on parental incomes.

I don't believe it is the role of children to facilitate their parents' earning and working preferences. That's for the adults to arrange.

I don't like the attitude of the OP, and some on this thread, that whoever is the higher earner gets the biggest say.

I think there's something quite unpleasant when family members see other people inheriting and want to get their claws in. Inheritance seems to bring out a lot of conflict in some people.

@LolaSmiles

I can't believe I'm being called grabby and greedy here - that's totally a new one. Grabby for supporting my dh in staying in a low paid role and not ever going for promotions etc because he didn't want to? To be fair, I was quite ambitious and our set up did work for a long time, but it's not working now for me and I don't think that makes me grabby Yes, grabby.

I don't believe anyone has said it's grabby to support your DH though

It isn't the job of your children to financially sort out yours and your DH's financial choices.

It's absolutely ok to say that your current workload isn't working for you. Anyone in a relationship can do that at any time and the adults in that relationship can discuss a way forward.

What's not OK is that you're pissed off that your children are inheriting from their grandparent and have instantly seized the opportunity to pull back yours and DH's parental contributions so you can go part time.

Your children's inheritance isn't there to facilitate you going part time. If the relative wanted to give you and DH a cash injection that's what they'd have done.

It’s what they should have done

I would probably carry on paying the rent but let them fund the rest of their living costs from the money. They can then be a savvy (or not) as they wish, and can still take out a loan if they want.

@Verbena17

If you were mega pushed to pay for them through uni (surely they both have/will have student loans?), then I’d agree that it would really help but I think in terms of their future, them being able to put aside that money for a house is worth much more.

However, it is really annoying of the government to allow the parents of adults to pay for them through uni. In any other circumstance, when would that ever happen?

If they do a 3 yr degree, they wouldn’t be using up the entire 100k so why don’t you look at the finances and agree to use the inheritance for part of the amount...the rent for example.

if they paid the rent, and assuming the DC get the minimum loan - they woudln't need any of their inheritance - the minimum loan is too much to live on if someone else is paying the rent.

We reckon it costs us maybe £4500-5000 a year for our DS at uni. Rent is about £6k so he pays that, we top up (loan is only about £4200) and then he has £300pm for the 10 months of the year he's at uni to live off.

So our costs are less than the rent and I'd expect that is similar for many

I wouldn't consider stepping back without there being some sort of safety cushion in place, which is what the inheritance feels like

Not for you though. Your MIL was very clear in her intentions around that. If your husband is a lazy waster who has shirked work, then that is something which should have been addressed as part of your marriage long before now. It seems very wrong to take steps to indirectly benefit from your daughters' potential life long financial security via these inheritances, in order to make up for issues you as a married couple/parents should have faced up to long ago.

@LovelyQuiche

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves. I’m with you op. Your children need to pay for some of their education since it’s a choice not a right

Quite agree told mine the way to look a t is is you would have living expenses for 3 years if you were uni or not The way to look at it is on average person with degree earns 11k a year more over a 35 year career thats 385k not a bad return on a 30k investment

Could you meet in the middle - partly financially support and partly they support themselves? Then you could look at stepping back with work a bit?

I don't know why people have to be so unpleasant.

Even if you don't agree with the OP, why not say so politely? I think it's hard to say who's BU in this situation. My DC all qualify for full loans, so I am in a very different situation - but if I were paying and they inherited that kind of amount, I can't know for certain how I'd feel.

OP, have you thought about your daughters buying a property together for £200k, and letting it out? Depending on where it is and how it's let, it could generate a 5-12% return which could then go towards their university costs and would enable you to work a bit less. Ignore me if this is a stupid suggestion!

I have only read your posts, OP, and only a few of the responses, so apologies if this is a repetition or way off beam.

• how much are you currently contributing each month and what do you anticipate this rising to with DD2? Can DH contribute more from his salary?
• if you step back from your job a bit, would that change the family income threshold? i.e. would the girls be eligible for any larger a maintenance loan or would you still have to fund the same level of their costs, but out of a smaller income?
• do the girls have part-time jobs? I know some courses are so busy as to make this difficult, but in most cases, a shift or two a week is compatible. And there are plenty of studies showing that students who combine paid work with their degrees earn more post-graduate.
• if the girls are keen to use the money for property, they can open LISAs and drip feed £4k a year, every year, from now until they are 40, (I think - might be older). The government will add in £1k for every £4k, every year. So that might be a way of 'compensating' for any expenditure for living/travel/study expenses that they end up using the inheritance windfall on (if that's how it pans out) - they can discount that first £1000 each year, or try and limit it to only a thousand.

It's a tricky one because, as others have said, if this inheritance hadn't come through, you would still be committed to supporting them through university, I imagine, irrespective of how stressful you were finding work?

Did his mother say she was leaving them the money so they could invest in property?

Why not tell your husband you will match his contribution to household finances from now on. No more than that.

Then he can decide how he want that budget to be used to keep a roof over your heads, cover all your expenses, prepare for retirement and support your daughters. Leave it all in this capable hands and step back.

If you choose to keep earning more than him, put that money aside and never mention it - he needs to make the allocated budget work.

If he wants to live frugally to support the girls, let him. If he can’t make it work, he can tell them he can’t afford it.

Dump the stress back onto him. Daresay it won’t stay with him long before he finds a solution since he doesn’t like to be stressed……

@Theluggage15

So you’re taking some of their inheritance then?

How ? Is she forcing her children to go to Uni?

I’m with DH.

That sort of sun could be used for a house in this crazy market.

If it was my dc, there’s no way I’d let them spend it on uni. You don’t get lump sums line that very often. They can work at university.

It’s what they should have done
What? The grandparent should have ignored their own wishes to ensure their grandchildren inherit and provided OP and her DH with a cash injection because OP thinks it would be good for her and DH, and she wants to work part time?
Really?

Sorry but I would see this as basically stealing their money. Paying for your children is your responsibility as a parent. The money was left to the children not you, it's not to allow you to have more holidays