To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP - I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent

You're not covering yourself in glory here, OP. Maybe pay their rent? Christ on a bike, that's what you are supposed to do - that's why the government calls it the parental contribution. IUt's hard going, I know - we're paying it too - but it's not exactly optional, it's part of the costs of having children.

You would be using your daughters' good fortune - and your MIL's generosity - to save you money. Obviously anything they paid for out of the inheritance would be money you don't have to pay, making you better off. The money wasn't left to you, nor your husband. You might be fed up about that, but it changes nothing.

I hope when the estate is settled the money has been left in trust for the grandchildren.

Your stress and feelings of being overworked are separate to this. You and your DH need a long conversation about a way forward.

I think a lot if posters on here don't realise how many families choose to contribute nothing to uni costs. Even when their child only qualifies for part of the accommodation loan due to family income, lots of families choose not to top up. They either can't afford to, or they don't think it's their responsibility. They take the view that the loans are there for a reason, to fund most of it and then be repaid by the beneficiary....the child, not the parent, plus anything extra required can be earned as a student.

Huge numbers take this view, and in lots of ways it's perfectly reasonable. If the parental contribution ends up being something like £5k pa most students could earn close to this over a year or the summer. The loan is there so the student can repay it if they earn enough, and we al know most never pay it all off. MArtin Lewis the money saving expert advocates at all families take the loan, even the well off and that for most at least some of it will be free money.

So, regardless of the inheritance, many would suggest the kids in OP's scenario still take the loans for the course fee and whatever they can get for accommodation. If they are e norm, much of it will never be repaid anyway...not from their inheritance or any other source. The only bit left to consider is the amount the accommodation loan doesn't consider. As has been said, it would use perhaps 10-15% of the inheritance, leaving about £85k for a deposit.

Isn't this sensible? Isn't the kid getting agreat start and at the same time, the parents have a few more options too? Shouldn't the kid also be getting a job for the Holidays?

Inheritance is there for whatever the recipent decides it's best to be used for. But a recipient can't decide they'd also like someone else to fund lots of the other stuff for them too, while they just sit on the cash - they have to make choices and having that cash crucially gives them a levl nif financial indepdence and ability to make choices that not all 18 year olds have.

Start by putting down some figures. What loans have already been taken? What is required for later years? What financial contributions have parents made so far? What will remain to be funded outside if loans? What does child earn in a year? See what's actually needed.then have a sensible conversation as adults about it all.

I can say that if my DC received an inheritance, Inwould adjust my saving for them and my current plans for work and retirement.

Yes, they should be able to go to uni. That needs facilitating and I'm prepared to plug any gaps if there isn't another source of plugging them. But if my child gained a load of cash, I'd especi them to take on at least some if that burden. This is all post-18 and I don't intend to financially support them when they've gained financial independence.

Or would some people who were saving for their kids in their 20s to help with a house deposit, still keep doing that even if a massive inheritanc occurred then....just because threat what they'd always planned to do? When circumstances change, you adjust your plans.

My parents used to pay £100 of my monthly rent when I started work as I struggled. Once I got a pay rise, they stopped. I could now cover myself. This is a similar scenario and just becaue they are parents and just because they were willing to pay when child had no other source of uni funding,doesn't mean they should continue to when the situation has totally changed. This inheritance mostly benefits the child, but it's existence can also help the parents by reducing the burden of their young adult children on their purses.....and it's fine for them to benefit too.

Looks like you're trying to get fingers into the pie that was left to your DDs tbh. I would hazard a guess too, that MIL knew you'd do just this and probably got your DH on side prior, hence his adamant response to this.

YANBU my dc both work to pay uni costs. We send enough to cover food but everything else is down to them. If you want to cut back work a bit you absolutely should.

YABU
You agreed to support your children through education, but now granny has died you seen to be the one who wants to benefit.
That money was for them to have an easier life, not you.

How is the OP getting fingers into any pies? She just wants to work a little less. The husband could always step up and start working more to compensate?

@LondonWolf
I agree

@19lottie82

Hmm I think you’re still expected to make the allocated parental contribution! After that they can pay for extras themselves.

If I could afford it I wouldn’t like to see them whittle the money away when it could be used towards a house, it’s hard enough to get on the ladder as it is.

I feel the same way. However this is something you have to decide between you, we can't make up your minds.

How lovely for your children to have such an inheritance, good for them! It will certainly give them a fine start.

As a long term renter with no hope of buying.

Your dh is absolutely right. Uni won’t guarantee a house. One thing we can all guarantee to need is a home.

It seems you're mostly bitter than dh got passed over for inheritance?

@FudgeSundae

If they were left 30K, I agree. But they're left 100K. That's more than enough for everything. Heck any deposit, even 50K is a lot more than most people have. Why shouldn't they use some of it to fund their education?

I think this is going to be one of the differences in opinions. The average house price in this country is now £275k, and depending on where you live a starter home might be £100k or £400k. Around here, the cheapest property is about £250k and a good graduate starter salary is £25k. Using a 5x earnings multiple and 100k deposit, a new grad might JUST about be able to buy somewhere but they would need every penny of that £100k. £50k would not do unless they were on a better salary or buying with a partner.

Graduate salaries are linked to house prices. There's plenty of opportunity in expensive places, and capable graduates should be able to double their salary in 5 years.

A lot of 'graduate' roles actually don't require a degree, in my humble opinion it's a bit disingenuous to call them 'graduate' jobs. If financial security was important people should choose their degree carefully or consider other routes.

A lot of the 'grads can't find jobs' people didn't try hard enough. When I graduated (not very long ago actually, as I went older!) I was at every career fair, talked to people, had mutiple offers lined up before graduation. Now I see young grads come in with the same. Not even from 'prestigious' unis, but they were focused!

In contrast one of my exes with a good STEM degree... I asked him if he knew about rolling basis for big company grad schemes... blank.

Nobody told me all this, I came here with zero background.

If the girls can't get a highly paid job, what's their mother working herself to death to pay for? What's the point?

Heaven forbid she has an easier life eh.

If you weren’t aware the inheritance was going to skip a generation I think you should be honest with your (adult) daughters. They aren’t little kids. Tell them you had both anticipated that your DH would inherit and it isn’t an issue that he hasn’t - but that because of that, your plan to reduce your work hours based on that inheritance can’t now happen. His inheritance would also have provided a buffer for your retirement.

Since MIL passed him over, ask if they would mind picking up some of their Uni costs so you can shore up your savings before you retire and reduce your hours so you and your husband are earning and saving an equal amount.

People are being harsh on this thread. Inheritance isn’t an entitlement but if it was expected the Ops husband would be a beneficiary then of course this has an impact. And if he has chosen to live stress free earning less, maybe that inheritance was going to be ‘his’ contribution to the retirement fund. But now it isn’t. The world has moved on. So a new plan is needed.

He probably doesn’t want to say anything because he is embarrassed his mum excluded him from her will. That isn’t a reason to let this happen.

@WombatChocolate

I think a lot if posters on here don't realise how many families choose to contribute nothing to uni costs. Even when their child only qualifies for part of the accommodation loan due to family income, lots of families choose not to top up. They either can't afford to, or they don't think it's their responsibility. They take the view that the loans are there for a reason, to fund most of it and then be repaid by the beneficiary....the child, not the parent, plus anything extra required can be earned as a student.

Huge numbers take this view, and in lots of ways it's perfectly reasonable. If the parental contribution ends up being something like £5k pa most students could earn close to this over a year or the summer. The loan is there so the student can repay it if they earn enough, and we al know most never pay it all off. MArtin Lewis the money saving expert advocates at all families take the loan, even the well off and that for most at least some of it will be free money.

So, regardless of the inheritance, many would suggest the kids in OP's scenario still take the loans for the course fee and whatever they can get for accommodation. If they are e norm, much of it will never be repaid anyway...not from their inheritance or any other source. The only bit left to consider is the amount the accommodation loan doesn't consider. As has been said, it would use perhaps 10-15% of the inheritance, leaving about £85k for a deposit.

Isn't this sensible? Isn't the kid getting agreat start and at the same time, the parents have a few more options too? Shouldn't the kid also be getting a job for the Holidays?

Inheritance is there for whatever the recipent decides it's best to be used for. But a recipient can't decide they'd also like someone else to fund lots of the other stuff for them too, while they just sit on the cash - they have to make choices and having that cash crucially gives them a levl nif financial indepdence and ability to make choices that not all 18 year olds have.

Start by putting down some figures. What loans have already been taken? What is required for later years? What financial contributions have parents made so far? What will remain to be funded outside if loans? What does child earn in a year? See what's actually needed.then have a sensible conversation as adults about it all.

I can say that if my DC received an inheritance, Inwould adjust my saving for them and my current plans for work and retirement.

Yes, they should be able to go to uni. That needs facilitating and I'm prepared to plug any gaps if there isn't another source of plugging them. But if my child gained a load of cash, I'd especi them to take on at least some if that burden. This is all post-18 and I don't intend to financially support them when they've gained financial independence.

Or would some people who were saving for their kids in their 20s to help with a house deposit, still keep doing that even if a massive inheritanc occurred then....just because threat what they'd always planned to do? When circumstances change, you adjust your plans.

My parents used to pay £100 of my monthly rent when I started work as I struggled. Once I got a pay rise, they stopped. I could now cover myself. This is a similar scenario and just becaue they are parents and just because they were willing to pay when child had no other source of uni funding,doesn't mean they should continue to when the situation has totally changed. This inheritance mostly benefits the child, but it's existence can also help the parents by reducing the burden of their young adult children on their purses.....and it's fine for them to benefit too.

understandable, and if OP had already had that discussion with both children, talking about them perhaps getting a job to help with the finances, then it would be the DCs decision whether to use some of that inheritance rather than working over the summer.

but the OP is only now thinking of that after the inheritance came in. they seemed happy/accepting of the financial support before that was the case, so its clear the change is the inheritance which at least to me, changes the balance of the discussion quite a lot

As well it should.

if they/you do think they should be using it heavily towards a house, get them paying the full yearly amount into one of those home buyer ISAs to get the government top up - get one in now for 2021 financial year and then you're ready in april for the next one.

I can't believe I'm being called grabby and greedy here - that's totally a new one. Grabby for supporting my dh in staying in a low paid role and not ever going for promotions etc because he didn't want to? To be fair, I was quite ambitious and our set up did work for a long time, but it's not working now for me and I don't think that makes me grabby
Yes, grabby.

I don't believe anyone has said it's grabby to support your DH though

It isn't the job of your children to financially sort out yours and your DH's financial choices.

It's absolutely ok to say that your current workload isn't working for you. Anyone in a relationship can do that at any time and the adults in that relationship can discuss a way forward.

What's not OK is that you're pissed off that your children are inheriting from their grandparent and have instantly seized the opportunity to pull back yours and DH's parental contributions so you can go part time.

Your children's inheritance isn't there to facilitate you going part time. If the relative wanted to give you and DH a cash injection that's what they'd have done.

@LondonWolf

Looks like you're trying to get fingers into the pie that was left to your DDs tbh. I would hazard a guess too, that MIL knew you'd do just this and probably got your DH on side prior, hence his adamant response to this.

Hopefully it's in a trust fund of some sort

I'm surprised by the vitriol towards Op.

She isnt trying to seize the inheritance.

She wonders if it can allow the family to adjust their spending and working patterns, because the financial burden in them now and into the future has changed.

Imagine if OP had hoped she would save £25k over child for a house deposit and give it to them at 25. Would it now be wrong to decide not to do that and instead retire early or go part time? Would it be wrong because she'd already planned it? No of course not, because those kids have come into £100k each and that's a great start for them. They simply won't need the £25k any longer.

This is the same scenario basically. It's not about grabbing inheritanc, but about re-assessing upcoming expenditure and realising expenditure that was planned might not be necessary, and considering the possible positive consequences of that....going part time or taking lower paid job etc. Seems totally sensible to me.

Plans are made for particular scenarios ...or they should be. We plan to find our kids in terms of parental contribution, as there is no other source of income. But if another source appears, parental plans should be reconsidered at least. We plan to fund our child's piano lessons, but if they get a bursary for their piano lessons, we don't decide we must still give them that money, but redeploy it to something else...perhaps it will be for the child, or the house or ourself...no right answer.

Financial planning should be a dynamic and changing thing, responding to circumstances. Sometimes something bad happens....we lose a job, we incur a surprise expense etc and we adjust out soending plans accordingly. Likewise, a windfall should lead to adjustments too. Family memebers who previously needed help might not any more. Being so rigid and not recognising change or responding to it just seems daft,e specially when it constrains some family members to a miserable life, which they coukd escape.

I’m with your DH, but probably for different reasons.

This lump sum from their grandmother can keep your children housed, warm, secure for the rest of their lives if they look after it wisely. That’s quite a legacy to leave. A university education won’t necessarily do that: jobs are fickle, degrees can end up being worthless depending on what they are, and your have daughters who may end up not working at all. Your MIL has given your DDs the means to potentially be independent of men - including those earning less than them, potentially - if they do things right.

I also believe it’s a parent’s job to educate and provide. This is what you’ve always done and expected to continue doing. This windfall isn’t yours to step back; it’s from your MIL directly to her DGC. Would she have wanted it spent on rent and living expenses when she knew her DGDs have parents to provide for her?

I would see this as an opportunity for you to do for your future DGC what your MIL has done for her. If you’re working too hard, sort it out with your DH.

Separately, your DDs are adults. The will probably will say if there are restrictions attached to the money. If not, there’s nothing you can do about it.

Finally, miffed you may be that your MIL passed over her D.C. in favour of her DGC. I will be doing exactly the same. There are many reasons why. None of them have anything to do with my DC who I love beyond compare.

@Lifeisaminestrone

YABU You agreed to support your children through education, but now granny has died you seen to be the one who wants to benefit. That money was for them to have an easier life, not you.

Were you there at the family meeting when the OP's children sat them down and said I'd like to go to university and the OP said fabulous darling I'll support you financially throughout the whole process? Thought not. I'd hazard a guess that a lot of students heading off for university don't give a great deal of consideration to the financial impact on their parents.

@MrKlaw
The OP might not have been 'happy' with it, but seen it as her duty, to push through and sacrifice.
Just as how my parents didn't have to fund my uni, but I got into a prestigious course (I'm not from the UK).

OP we're not quite in your shoes but nearly. Our two have been left a sizeable chunk by GP's too and I'd never want them to pay back their loans with it - would seem a terrible waste. We'll never be in a position to give them such a lump sum being much less wealthy than GP's were amd it'll be the only way they can ever get on the property ladder. Although neither are quite ready yet at 22 and 20 they're beginning to think they should put their combined monies together and buy a flat between them, even if they then have to let it out. Old heads on young shoulders. We're in London and they' re just watching prices rise and rise still. I thought the pandemic might stabilise things a bit, but it hasn't happened here yet.

@LolaSmiles

I can't believe I'm being called grabby and greedy here - that's totally a new one. Grabby for supporting my dh in staying in a low paid role and not ever going for promotions etc because he didn't want to? To be fair, I was quite ambitious and our set up did work for a long time, but it's not working now for me and I don't think that makes me grabby Yes, grabby.

I don't believe anyone has said it's grabby to support your DH though

It isn't the job of your children to financially sort out yours and your DH's financial choices.

It's absolutely ok to say that your current workload isn't working for you. Anyone in a relationship can do that at any time and the adults in that relationship can discuss a way forward.

What's not OK is that you're pissed off that your children are inheriting from their grandparent and have instantly seized the opportunity to pull back yours and DH's parental contributions so you can go part time.

Your children's inheritance isn't there to facilitate you going part time. If the relative wanted to give you and DH a cash injection that's what they'd have done.

Lola I have a lot of respect for you and you're normally quite sensible... I'm surprised at your vitriol towards the OP! 'Pissed off?' 'Instantly seized?' If that's what the OP wanted to do she wouldn't be posting on MN, or asking her DH (whose choice it isn't anyway!) She'd have gone PT straight away and let her daughters sort it out themselves.

@WombatChocolate I'm also surprised at the harsh reaction and people keep using 'you promised to pay' as a stick to beat the OP with.

@DiddyHeck

YANBU, my DC worked their way through uni and had very little help from me and DH.

And mine too. I absolutely think they should use it.