To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

It's OK for your husband to say the money should be used for a house, but what if either or both just frittered it away? He doesn't have control over what they spend it on. If he's adamant, separate your finances and then he can pay all their uni costs if he feels like he should. You should be able to go part time if you want considering the circumstances.

It's a tricky one in my opinion.

I went to uni in 2005 and got a full loan because my parents didn't earn much. They weren't in a position to support me financially, although they were supportive in other ways.

So, I used my loan and worked in the holidays to top my funds up. So to me, it's quite normal to pay for yourself at uni.

That said, I am far better off than my parents were and only have one child. I already have money put aside for him in a junior ISA which we add to monthly. I very much hope to be able to support him financially on top of that while he starts out. So, very different to my situation.

Can you compromise on paying 50/50?

I agree with your dh too.

His mum would have wanted the money to benefit the gc not be frittered away to save you money so you can go pt.

If they use some of the cash for uni then the only person benefiting from that chunk of money is you.

If you want your dh to earn more so you can step back, that's a different issue but your kids shouldn't pay for it.

You will benefit in some ways though because they won't need help to get started on the housing ladder.

It is a lovely gift for them. Don't spoil it for them by looking jealous or withdrawing what you previously offered as uni support.

Ours are only 10&8, but we fully expect the healthy (not extreme, will probably be around the 15,000) mark Bank accounts we and their grandparents are building for them to be a good part of the "parental contribution". Thats why we are doing it, a bit of a leg up at 18. They've had some inheritance go into those accounts too.

Yeah, this is a good start. I expect my DC to top up maintenance loan for their rent from a similar pot and to fund any big things like computer, bus pass. Then we give a weekly allowance and pay for phone. If they just spend the pot on that they will come out with a bit left.

I think there's a degree of infantilising young adults here.

These are bright young adults going to uni, to take on courses that will allow them to pursue (hopefully) happy and successful careers which will enable them to be fully financially independent, and also to support their own kids. They are not children anymore. Yes, they need parental support in a variety of ways but they are growing up and moving on.

Parents have to be willing to start cutting the cords. They have to start letting the kids make some choices and crucially to take some responsibility. That's why it's actually really important they feel financially invested in their degree courses...that they understand the cost of the course fees, the cost of living and what is available as a government loan, how it's paid back and when, and how any shortfall is being made up and any role they can or should have within this. It's not good for them to head off knowing 'parents have sorted it out and I don't need to give it any thought, just go out and spend'.

And parents need to stop thinking that somehow financially supporting children forever, once they have their own means is somehow the sign of good parenting. It's not.

Good parenting and good financial planning, means thinking ahead and getting your child ready for the next stage and helping to take age appropriate steps, which include financial steps. One of those is becoming more aware of the wider impacts on other family memebers of their choices and actions. Kids need to understand what uni costs their parents and the impacts that might have on their retirement and working patterns.m that's not to say kids need to be made to feel guilty about any of it, but simply to have an understanding. And they also need to start learning g to make their own financial choices....choosing accommodation with an eye onthe orice, budgeting, taking on some work to fund some of it. Behaving like a 6 year old financially, or letting them do it, isn't a great parent funding their kid and providing for them, it's doing them no favours longer term.

And helping them udbertsand that you'll always be there, but it's expected that one day they are financially independent is right too. Just because you're their parent and they are your kid,M doesn't mean the parent always has to use their cash and make financial choices to benefit the kids....especially when the kid has some funds if their own.

These kids with £100k will need guidance. It would be a great pity if they piss it up the wall. They will need help thinking about what to do with it short term and medium term. They need help understanding the student loans they have and the implications of them, the cost of housing, likely career paths and possibilities if what to do with the money. They need to be involved in discussion and not just be to,d what to do with it.some expert financial advice might be useful and worthwhile. Sounds like it could be useful for the whole family. And it wouldn't be wrong for the parents to now be considering if this windfall which of course is for the kids, might also benefit them I their expenditure. This is in no way lookimg to rob the kids of their inheritance. It's quite simply that some of the expenditure they thought was required, might not be. That's great, it's not wrong to consider which options you mig now have that you didn't previously.

Some serious discussions and some expert advice are probably required and these young adults need to be involved, not as children, but as adults I really except of a large lump sum, entering in discussion s about their financial future.

Since what he means is you keep working yourself hard to pay then yanbu.
Tell him you are going to reduce your stress and they can part fund themselves or he can get a better paid job to make up the difference.

@LolaSmiles

But the point is : should OP continue as she was, and fund a huge chunk of it? Although her daughters will be sitting on a huge wad of cash? That's it really. I think parents (so the OP and her DH) have a responsibility to their parental contributions given the university system is based on parental incomes.

I don't believe it is the role of children to facilitate their parents' earning and working preferences. That's for the adults to arrange.

I don't like the attitude of the OP, and some on this thread, that whoever is the higher earner gets the biggest say.

I think there's something quite unpleasant when family members see other people inheriting and want to get their claws in. Inheritance seems to bring out a lot of conflict in some people.

Children yes, I would agree with you. But they’re not children are they. They are 18 years plus therefore adults. As an adult I’m not sure I would be able to just keep all that money to myself for a house or whatever whilst watching my mum work so hard and get stressed and not being able to reduce her hours in order to fund something I had chosen to do…and now thanks to massive inheritance I could contribute to that, relieve some of her burden/stress and still have loads left over for a house deposit

@rwalker
The other thing is that full-time university isn’t the only option these days!
Degree apprenticeships, distance learning, a lot of unis offer part-time courses. It’s not like the past wheee only certain places offer ‘evening courses’.

If someone is academic by all means uni should be prioritised.

No point in going without a clear plan, only to come out and be on min wage.

I review CV’s and coach young people. It’s disheartening to see how many have generic degrees and been admin/retail staff for 5+ years. They’d have been better off staying home, working alongside the degree, no maintenance loan needed.

"How ? Is she forcing her children to go to Uni?"

Most parents do what they can to encourage and support it.

Op has already told them how much they will receive from the family every month.

If she reduces that now because they can use their inheritance, op benefits but looks very mean imo.

Getting them on the property ladder is the absolute best way to spend the money seriously. I’m with your husband on that. 100 k won’t go far on a property in a few years so sorting the house so they don’t have rent to pay would be the best thing and then they can self fund uni by working like most students

@twominutesmore
Do the dd’s not benefit from going to uni then?

"You should be able to go part time if you want considering the circumstances."

I wonder how many people would say that if a man posted because he was fed up of supporting his SAHM or modestly-paid wife.

@ittakes2

Did his mother say she was leaving them the money so they could invest in property?

Almost certainly not or OP would have said so. It’s what their dad - who has the least skin in the game - thinks.

@Theluggage15

So you’re taking some of their inheritance then?

Well not really. The dc are using it for their own education which will benefit only them in future. I have no idea when attitudes changed but when I went to uni I expected nothing off my parents. I knew that going to uni was to benefit me and my future career, not them.

@LolaSmiles

It’s what they should have done What? The grandparent should have ignored their own wishes to ensure their grandchildren inherit and provided OP and her DH with a cash injection because OP thinks it would be good for her and DH, and she wants to work part time? Really?

Yes, would have been best if she had.

By doing what she has done, she has created a divide between parents and children.

Well intentioned or not it was a dumb thing to do. She should have left her money to her children and let them manage their families as they see fit. Skipping a generation seems designed to create ill feeling and suggests she doesn’t trust or love her own children.

So yes I think she has done the wrong thing.

No, it's not true to say that if some of the cash was used to fund living costs at uni, the only beneficiaries would be OP.

NO, the money is being spent on uni to be fit the kids. If they spend some of their own money delivering this benefit, they are the beneficiaries.

Perhaps it will mean they don't have to get a summer job,mor work less in term time. That is a benefit to themselves. If it means they have less uni debt in future, eye are the beneficiaries of this.

The whole point if uni, is the young adult benefits. They benefit at the time from the experience and they benefit later in terms of their career.

"@twominutesmore
Do the dd’s not benefit from going to uni then?"

They are already heading off to uni with finances agreed and in place.

The only person benefitting if the inheritance replaces the parental contribution is op.

If grandparents want to leave some money direct to grandchildren they should give some to their children and some to their grand children, preferable in a fair and even handed way. Cutting their children out is a mistake. Unless their aim was to damage the relationship between children and grandchildren. Which often is the intention.

Children yes, I would agree with you. But they’re not children are they. They are 18 years plus therefore adults. As an adult I’m not sure I would be able to just keep all that money to myself for a house or whatever whilst watching my mum work so hard and get stressed and not being able to reduce her hours in order to fund something I had chosen to do…and now thanks to massive inheritance I could contribute to that, relieve some of her burden/stress and still have loads left over for a house deposit

But they ARE their children and they're in an education system where 18 year olds are (largely) deemed financially dependent on their parents for the purposes of higher education.

There is a parental contribution element of higher education funding.

The OP and her DH have children and associated parental contributions.

I don't think it's reasonable to turn to your children and say I'd like to work part time and DH hasn't wanted to get a promotion or a better paying job so we're not going to do the parental contributions for you because I'm also annoyed that the monry has gone to you when we would quite like the cash.

The idea that 18 year olds leave Year 13 and are all of a sudden expected to facilitate their parents lifestyle choices is a joke.

You have a DH problem. Can't believe we're 13 pages in and no one has said that yet

Seriously, though, of course it is absolutely OK for you to tell DH that the hours you are working are no longer sustainable, that your health is suffering and that you and he need to come up with an alternative plan – which could be him working more/going for those promotions. You are perfectly reasonable to insist on this.

I don't think you can solve yours and DH's issue by, in effect, accessing some of the inheritance which has been left to your (adult) children. That would be unreasonable.

The poster who suggested buying a house where they are at uni and letting it out was very sensible. It ties the capital up securely and will generate an income for them which should help reduce your contribution.
Or purchase a buy to let property each somewhere else.
It’s so hard to get on the housing ladder these days they need to use the money for housing.

@trippinglyonthetongue maintains
I don't know how many of the people slating me are main breadwinners in their families, but it's a massive responsibility and I have always felt the weight of it
It is interesting that 60% of MN agree with the OP. It is about time that MN recognised the huge responsibility of being the main breadwinner in the household and recognised this responsibility when giving advice. So many female posters appear to look down on Dads who are the main breadwinner in the family and have this very heavy responsibility to their families.

@LolaSmiles
Yes it’s all very toxic now. See what granny has done? Granny shouldn’t have created this problem. She is the source of the problem here - not the Op or her husband or her children.

@Aderyn21

It is family money, but is it fair to ask one parent to take on extra work to pay for something the other parent sees as a priority, when there is no essential need to do so because money is available to take the edge off? And would still leave a huge chunk for a deposit?

This.

If OP was coping and happy in her job it would potentially be a different story.

I would think her DDs would like to see her be happy and not run ragged to put them through uni too when they've got 100k+ sitting in the bank.

Ideally the DDs would make the suggestion themselves.

"By doing what she has done, she has created a divide between parents and children."

She probably didn't think their mum would be jealous and want to take some of it off them.