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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hellorhighwater · 18/02/2022 14:57

I don’t think it need be either/or. Your DC’s could each buy a house at their respective uni’s and let spare rooms to other students for income (you may need to guarantee a small mortgage) They’d have a house, so be on the ladder, and have an income to learn to be independent with, without burning through their capital. You wouldn’t have to pay their rent out of your taxed income, and could perhaps match earnings from it towards fees to encourage them to be sensible (or pay that mortgage, if you’re a guarantor) If the inheritance is tied up, it’ll be much harder for them to blow it impulsively and you would have fewer outgoings, too. It’s what I’m planning on doing for mine.

CAN you control what they do with the money? They seem young to get that sort of cash with no strings (the under 18 one may not be able even choose herself what to do with it?). I think you could certainly use your continuing contribution to uni in some form as a carrot to safeguard the investment, rather than blowing it, because you probably don’t have any say…

MummytoCSJH · 18/02/2022 14:58

@mam0918

I'm the only one in my family to go to university, I got the tuition fee loan (which is a loan and expected to be paid back) and that's it... my view is no one is owed a free ride from their parents.

My mother could afford my uni but it's not her bill to pay.

Houses, uni, cars etc... are not things you are automatically entitled to, they are things you are exceptionally lucky to get in life and if you don't have money for all 3 then you have to choose - you don't always get everything you want in life.

Once you are over 18 it's time to stand on your own two feet and pay your way like an adult.

You could have also had a maintenance loan (or grant depending on how long ago this was). Their parents chose to bring them onto this earth. Expecting parents to provide for their children is not unreasonable, until they can provide for themselves. Usually at this age children cannot and that’s why parental income is included into the calculation, and why older people are classed as independent (as I was when I went). But I agree with you - the OPs daughters can and should as they can completely afford to.
affairsofdragons · 18/02/2022 14:59

Of course the money should go towards their education.

A bit rich of your DH to say otherwise as you work yourself to death to support him and the children.

Put your foot down, or tell him your marriage will have to be reconsidered if he truly believes this is reasonable. You have your own retirement to consider and prepare for, plus the chance for less stress in your life as you get older.

sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 15:00

@QuitMoaning

I thought the loans were the same irrespective of parents income, but there is a maintenance grant that is only available if parent(s) income is below threshold. My income was above the threshold so my son only got the tuition (c. £9250) and subsistence loan (c. £4k ) so anything over £4k had to be funded elsewhere by parents OR a job.
Yes, it's the maintainance grant that's different! Which also puts a different spin on this as the OP is offering to pay rent. The remainder, per kid won't even make a dent in the inheritance, and kids can work PT.

It also makes a different what they're studying though.

A lot of people here under the impression that uni is a right. If you're not going to do something employable plenty of ways to get a cheap degree, you can even do it online while staying home. no reason for everyone to go to uni unless they're really academic

ItsCanardBruv · 18/02/2022 15:01

My children will be expected to buy property they’ll live in AT uni. I can’t afford to plump up £250/week on digs, so they can use their inheritance in a way which benefits them. Happy to fund food/books, but accommodation just isn’t possible from my purse.

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 15:02

I can't believe I'm being called grabby and greedy here - that's totally a new one. Grabby for supporting my dh in staying in a low paid role and not ever going for promotions etc because he didn't want to? To be fair, I was quite ambitious and our set up did work for a long time, but it's not working now for me and I don't think that makes me grabby. As some posters have kindly acknowledged, I feel like I need, not want, to step back a bit now but it's not 'lucky' this feeling has coincided with the inheritance. Rather, the inheritance has made me feel other options are available, even though I do know it's not my money. I don't know how many of the people slating me are main breadwinners in their families, but it's a massive responsibility and I have always felt the weight of it. I wouldn't consider stepping back without there being some sort of safety cushion in place, which is what the inheritance feels like.

Also, I don't think I get more of a say because I earn more, but someone said dh had more of a say as it was his mother's money and my response was to that. To be fair, he's the one refusing to budge and I have no intention of cutting our contribution to zero. And while I don't get more of a say in what we spend our money on but I surely do get more of a say on what extent I can go to earn it, since I am the one actually doing that? I think he's comparing himself to siblings and trying to match what they are doing for their dc but we're not in the same position as them.

As for being bitter about dh's generation being skipped over, I don't think I am - miffed isn't bitter and bitter is too strong. To be honest, if we had inherited the money, the girls could have happily carried on as normal, dh and I could have adjusted our lifestyle and we would almost certainly have been in a position to help with deposits in any case when the time came. But never mind - I'm certainly pleased my girls have it rather than it having gone to a cat home or something! What would make me bitter will be if I continue working myself into the ground and then they piss the money up the wall and have nothing of substance left to show for it. That will piss me right off.

I'm grateful for all the understanding and helpful posts and agree that we need a family discussion about it all. Don't want to guilt trip my girls but I want them to take the money seriously and make good choices.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 18/02/2022 15:03

@AutumnalFeeling

You’re effectively leaving your daughters between a rock and a hard place. Very selfish of you op. Why doesn’t your husband go part time and you continue working full time? This isn’t your free ticket to an easier life. If you didn’t want to work hard for your children then why did you offer to support them prior to them receiving their inheritance?
Wtaf? What a horrible post. OP works full time in a stressful and draining job as primary earner why should her DH work less?
WombatChocolate · 18/02/2022 15:03

I think that sometimes finances change either for the better or worse and as a consequence plans can change too.

I'd expect any teenager as a minimum to be taking in a summer job to earn some cash to partly cover their leisure expenses. Remember uni fees are both tuition and living costs. As a parent, I'd be wanting to contribute but I'd expect to see some active engagement in a financial sense from the teen too. Surely they shouldn't be passively sitting and receiving full fees for both the cost of course and living without taking any responsibility? How would that help them start their journey to financial independence?

In our scenario we have been saving for our kids. By the time each goes to uni, there will be about £75k available for each. There are a couple of options for us (and OP) in this situation - we can fund the course fees and living cost fees up front and not apply for any loans. Most of the money would be gone by the end of course and any left over could be used towards house deposit. Alternatively, we are more likely to apply for at least the course fee loan and pay most of each child's living costs,mwhilst also expecting them to work in holidays and contribute tp something towards their living costs. At the end of the course, depending on career path and likelihood of earnings making loans repayments high and likely, we might then pay off some of the loan or all, or we might keep it and child will get most of the money later for house deposit.

Either way, the cash is there for the child to benefit, but the way it's spent will be determined by a number of things.

In OP's scenario, I wouldn't see a problem if they asked the child to use some of their inheritance for uni and reduced their parental input. The reason parents pay (if they can) is becaue the kid can't. But in this case they can.

Remember, most students do actually pay a lot anyway...becaue although their paents pays the parental contribution and tips up the living amount to what's needed, most students have loans for course fees and some of their living and pay it off over many years. It's just they don't pay it off at 18.

So I'd see this inheritance as providing lots of possibilities, to be discussed between alrents and child. I do t think OP was looking at paying £60k to over living and course fees over 3 years anyway, just the parental contribution. So, if this was perhaps £6k per year, perhaps the child coukd pay half and the parents pay £3k. It's only using £9k of the inheritance.

And then it's up to the kid. Do they want to use their inheritance to pay off the loans for course fees and the chunk of living costs which were borrowed? Well their inheritance allows them to start debt free if they want. It they can choose to keep it for a bisque deposit. That's fine too. Either way, they start with an advantage most don't have and are very fortunate.

If the family are struggling to pay uni costs, and suddenly this windfall has come their way, I think it's fine to reevaluate their spending plans. There's no need to continue as if the windfall hadn't happened. It doesn't matter that it could have happened 3 years later after parents would have paid. It could equally have happened 3 years earlier before they started paying. It's actually happened now, so should be factored in. The kids are fortunate to get a gift, and it will undoubtedly make their lives easier, and if at the same time the current burden in parents is lifted a bit too, why wouldn't you? And I'd imagine most upper teens woukd see it like that too.

Gooseberrypies · 18/02/2022 15:04

@AutumnalFeeling

You’re effectively leaving your daughters between a rock and a hard place. Very selfish of you op. Why doesn’t your husband go part time and you continue working full time? This isn’t your free ticket to an easier life. If you didn’t want to work hard for your children then why did you offer to support them prior to them receiving their inheritance?
Because OP has worked her arse off for the past few years in order to provide this support and husband has done fuck all to up their joint income or contribute extra? HTH.
sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 15:05

Please don't feel bad OP!
I was right, your DH is a lazy waster.
Ignore him, go PT if that's what you want to do.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2022 15:06

@AutumnalFeeling

You’re effectively leaving your daughters between a rock and a hard place. Very selfish of you op. Why doesn’t your husband go part time and you continue working full time? This isn’t your free ticket to an easier life. If you didn’t want to work hard for your children then why did you offer to support them prior to them receiving their inheritance?
@AutumnalFeeling Yes, selfish, selfish OP…how dare she encourage her daughters to use some of their large inherited wealth of over 100k to contribute toward their own further education which they have chosen to do. OP should just continue to work herself to the bone instead to fund them, and pretend that everything was like it was before and that that money doesn’t exist. Because hey that’s what you do when you become a mum isn’t? Sacrifice your own health, well being and finances forever and ever
Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 15:09

Because hey that’s what you do when you become a mum isn’t? Sacrifice your own health, well being and finances forever and ever

That certainly seems to be the expectation of some people. I didn’t get that memo and it’s not what I signed up for.

sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 15:09

Also OP I would talk directly to your DC, without their father first.
No matter what opinions your DH has, it's not his money and no impact on him either way if he's not going to up his hours.

If he didn't want a promotion etc but never facilitated your career, as women your DC will have see that and have respected you. Of course they shouldn't want you to struggle if you'd been raised right, while their father enjoyed his life..

yoyo1234 · 18/02/2022 15:09

Sounds like you wish to benefit from the inheritance your MIL left her GC.if I have GC I plan to leave them the vast majority of any estate I have (hopefully I will be of an age when my DC are settled and on the property ladder already). I think it is harder and harder for the younger generation.

Juliauns91 · 18/02/2022 15:09

No, YABU at all.

Your daughters are adults (almost), and unless the money is held in trust for them until they are older, it is their money to spend.

That is a hell of a lot of money and I agree that it should be used towards their education (as long as you can trust them not to blow through the lot and end up skint )

As an aside, I don't see why you should have to contribute to university anyway - they are adults choosing academic career paths and as such, they will have intelligence and drive to get on with it. My parents didn't contribute at all and neither did my friends' parents.

It sounds like university has become an extension of school where the parents are expected to still provide.

Your job is draining and you want to pull back a bit. I would say you come first in this situation and if your DH wants to fund them himself, despite them now having all that money, he can fund them himself.

mummykel16 · 18/02/2022 15:10

So you're so jealous that your children inherited instead of you that you now feel the need to step back.

I don't wonder why the mil skipped a generation.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/02/2022 15:10

I think (from the point of view of not getting to complete a degree due to financial issues I couldn't extricate myself from, as there was absolutely no help from anybody) that;

  1. It's another four years until they've both graduated on average.
  2. You're clearly relatively comfortable in the first place.
  3. An 18-19 year old living away from home for the first time and having access to their own money isn't always the most restrained because they haven't learned what that means yet.
  4. Coming out of university with the financial safety to be able to live anywhere, take internships, travel for the jobs of a lifetime, etc, would be amazing for anybody.
  5. If they haven't been forced to use the proceeds of the death of their grandmother to support themselves/make financial mistakes during university, they'll be far more secure aged 22 than if they've had to use it to pay for online lectures and precious little in the way of additional experience that university traditionally provides.
  6. If the money is untouched and something happens to you, they've got it there as security whilst still in some way dependent upon you.
  7. It'll keep relationships secure, rather than having them think 'Grandma left it to us for buying a home/travelling the world/taking up that job tagging Blue Whales, but Mum's taken it because Grandma didn't leave it to her'.

It's only four years. 208 weeks or 48 months. In which you can keep a happy relationship and see your DDs enter proper adult life in security and independence, rather than still barely scraping by like many others.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/02/2022 15:10

@Blossomtoes no, me neither!

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 15:12

If they were left 30K, I agree. But they're left 100K. That's more than enough for everything. Heck any deposit, even 50K is a lot more than most people have. Why shouldn't they use some of it to fund their education?

I think this is going to be one of the differences in opinions. The average house price in this country is now £275k, and depending on where you live a starter home might be £100k or £400k. Around here, the cheapest property is about £250k and a good graduate starter salary is £25k. Using a 5x earnings multiple and 100k deposit, a new grad might JUST about be able to buy somewhere but they would need every penny of that £100k. £50k would not do unless they were on a better salary or buying with a partner.

coodawoodashooda · 18/02/2022 15:12

@Arabellla

The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Yanbu, what he is saying is that he expects YOU to keep paying for the dc to go to uni.

Put your foot down, OP. Say you will be cutting your contribution when the inheritance hits their banks and if DH wants to up it he does it from his own money,

He is a twat.

I agree with this.
Mybestyear · 18/02/2022 15:13

@PleasantBirthday

Is this a wind up? Your DD is still in primary and you are already "insisting" she go to Uni?? This is different level batshittery! What if she doesn't want to / doesn't get the required grades / prefers a more vocational career? Are you going to drag her there and force her to learn? Tiger mum at its worst and I feel sorry for your DD if for any reason, she is not able to live up to your expectations.

OK, well my point really was that this is why I expect that I will need to finance it. This may be one of the ways in which Ireland and the UK differ. It's very unusual for children to not go to third level here (it's about 78% progressing overall, 90% in our local non-fee paying secondary), parents normally expect their children to go and normally expect to pay for it.

Fair enough. Although I do think that a lot of further/higher education is significantly watered down these days. So many graduates with degrees which don't lead to a career in the subject area (Media Studies, Sports Science, Fashion, Advertising, Business Studies for example) because there are so many of them and because it is incredibly easy to get into some of the 'newer' Universities/non Russell Group Universities.

I think lots of school leavers (and parents) think 'going to Uni' is a right and something that needs to be done only to end up in a call centre when they graduate. Starbucks lists a degree in hospitality as 'desirable' to be a "trainee barista" FFS.

Getting a degree is not the be all and end all - for lots of young people, they would be far better off doing an apprenticeship/learning a trade.

Sorry getting off topic. But just to finish by saying I don't think there is anything wrong with any of the above mentioned degrees or jobs per se - just that expectations do not always marry up with reality. So to get a lot of student debt for a degree which doesn't open any doors career wise is complete folly.

ElaineMarieBenes · 18/02/2022 15:17

Can’t you do what you want work wise? Would this then increase the loan amount for your DCs - therefore a possible win-win all round?

Hb12 · 18/02/2022 15:18

You don't matter here, you just pay the bills. Just as long as he isn't inconvenienced hey. It isn't up to him however, the money has gone to them. I would suggest they ringfence £20k each for uni, and the rest for a house.

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 15:18

@Batmanontheedge

If you're making the large financial contribution now at great personal cost, it's appropriate that your husband/his side of the family chip in where they are able to. Your DH doesn't earn enough to give his daughters houses or demand that they be able to do so unfortunately. Your girls should be able to work holidays, contribute quite meaningfully now and this will lighten the load while giving them many more opportunities than most young adults have. They're in a very privileged position but it's disappointing that no one cares enough about you to see they neither need it nor are entitled to it
“His side of the family”? So… the children should find their own uni as they are adults and financially independent but MIL is somehow still responsible for the fact that her son earns less than her DIL, even though he is an adult and financially independent?
Ozanj · 18/02/2022 15:19

If they were my kids I would want that money to go towards a property deposit and I would make them take out loans for uni & contribute the remainder.

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