To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

@WhatWillSantaBring

Get the DC to use the money to buy a house in their uni towns. Renting out the other rooms will cover the mortgage and provide them with an income to take the pressure of you. And will teach them some adult responsibility. And the money is also then invested in property until they're ready to buy a "proper" home. They're unlikely to want to buy straight away when they leave uni, so they can keep a foot on the property ladder, earn an extra income while they're finding their feet in the world of work.

A house? If they're at any uni in the SE 100k would buy a garage.

There isn’t a rule that parents actually have to contribute anything
No but there should be. It's made quite clear that the loan has been reduced by £x because of parental income. Those parents are expected to pay.
Some young people who have minimum loans but their parents pay nothing really struggle.

Wow, anyone who thinks kids should be able to fund uni to go clearly think funding university is a summer of hard work and off you pop!

Who has funds of £50k off their own back at 18 to just swan off to uni?! “Or wait a few years” and gain what!? Another £5k that won’t touch the sides!

I agree with hubby on this one.

I thought that. What if her intellect dictates that she hasn’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of getting a university place? We make plans and God laughs.

If it happens, it happens. I'm still planning to be ready for her to go though, and I'm still going to be pushing for her to progress as far as she can. But I have no reason to think that she's incapable. So far, there's no indication of that.

It is a pity your MIL didn’t leave the money in a trust fund .Wehave done this for grandchildren and we were advised to put an age of 30 years before being able to access the money.If you cut your hours you can give less and they can Obtain a larger loan. Also they can find part time work.This is what many students do and actually enjoy earning.It is no good running yourself into the ground.Your DH needs to earn more if he wants the money untouched.

My friends kids were left £100k each and she bought an apartment each for them (while they were teenagers) that provided a monthly sum they banked and now they're at university they have a monthly amount. Property will be a long term investment and once they graduate they can move in or sell them.

Is this an option you have considered
For them? My friends financial advisor suggested it and both apartments have gone up in value

@Blossomtoes

100k isn't actually a huge amount if you live in London now unfortunately.

It’s nearly double the average London deposit. And the rest of the country is available.

The average London house now costs 500k.

Depends where they live now and where they get jobs after uni.

No use owning a house in North Wales if your job is in Shoreditch.

YANBU. I lived off my student loan and savings. I’m in my mid 20s so university was expensive.

Who has funds of £50k off their own back at 18 to just swan off to uni?!

OP’s daughters!

I'm the only one in my family to go to university, I got the tuition fee loan (which is a loan and expected to be paid back) and that's it... my view is no one is owed a free ride from their parents.

My mother could afford my uni but it's not her bill to pay.

Houses, uni, cars etc... are not things you are automatically entitled to, they are things you are exceptionally lucky to get in life and if you don't have money for all 3 then you have to choose - you don't always get everything you want in life.

Once you are over 18 it's time to stand on your own two feet and pay your way like an adult.

that's a good chunk of money, suggest they put a good load down as a deposit (depends on Uni area) and buy a house that they can rent the extra rooms out to their peers. My son did this and made money, sell the house after Uni or keep it on and be a landlord for awhile.

100k is more than enough for a house deposit AND uni. You’re working your arse off, to pay for this, whilst your DH doesn’t really contribute to it (or at least nowhere near as much as you do), and he thinks he gets to decide? Well then you can stop doing your overtime (likely in healthcare due to covid) and rushing around like a dick and he can fund it from his own income. If he has to take on more work to afford it like you have had to, I’m sure he’ll be happy for DCs to pay for themselves. By next year/the time DD2 goes to uni, their loan will be more as it’ll be based on a lower parental income. Problem solved. He can personally fund it for a year to see how difficult it has been for you, and you can relax after your years of hard work as the breadwinner. That’s what gives you more of a say. It doesn’t matter which grandparent the money has come from. I wouldn’t be donating money to someone I knew had thousands of pounds in the bank either.

I agree with dh that money can be used for house deposits/cars many other things that can give dc a substantial head start in life that they would be extremely grateful for, letting them spend it all on uni and living cost they will forget about it later, this is money that their grandmother worked so hard for it should be put to good use, not basic things.

I couldn’t imagine accepting money from my parents if I had 100k, especially if it was through no work on my own AND made me better off than said parents.

Everyone jumping on the OP calling her grabby for not supporting two rich adults should consider what that makes the two adults each sat on 100k and apparently asking for more

I think people are being hard on OP. How wonderful for your daughters to receive £100,000 each to start them out in life.

Top-up of the maintenance loan by parents is typically of the order of £5000/year for a typical 3-year degree. If the parental contribution comes from the inheritances instead then that would still leave £85,000 for each daughter to use as a house deposit (if she wanted). You could ensure that you match the amount you have already given your eldest daughter as savings perhaps for the younger one, so that you have been equitable.

The OP's wellbeing is important too, but lots of people seem to be overlooking this. If she could reduce her hours a little then it would probably improve her life greatly and you hardly argue that the girls are being in any way deprived. They are incredibly fortunate to have received this money and what better way to spend a small proportion of it than on a good education?

Overall, I would agree with the OP.

Such a substantial inheritance should at least partially contribute to the university education especially as it seems that the OP and her husband are struggling to meet all their committments currently.

I know that they would have to fund it anyway but we don't know what other sacrifices are being made.

I also agree with the OP in expressing surprise at skipping their generation when distributing the MIL's estate - I know that it is fully the MIL's perogative but it would smack of a lack of trust in their generation or a belief that they are well enough off.

Also, does the dynamic change - are their more grandchildren in some families thus more being left to some families overall if those families have more gc?

Lastly, the decision on money maters between the OP and her husband is a joint one - they are both equal and the will and the additional earnings by the OP should not have an impact on that. Myself and my wife are over 30 years married, our finances are ok - nothing spectacular and we don't always agree on things but we do compromise with each other. Lack of compromise has to have a major impact on any marriage.

@Soakitup37

Wow, anyone who thinks kids should be able to fund uni to go clearly think funding university is a summer of hard work and off you pop!

Who has funds of £50k off their own back at 18 to just swan off to uni?! “Or wait a few years” and gain what!? Another £5k that won’t touch the sides!

I agree with hubby on this one.

Or just ‘get an apprenticeship’. As if it’s that easy Compared to the thousands that go to uni every year, there are a very small amount of degree apprenticeships, they’re usually in practical and low paying careers only, and they’re extremely difficult to get and maintain. They also usually pay a ridiculously low wage, lower than minimum wage. No good if you still need a place to live, have any other responsibilities, a medical condition that may need extra rest, or if you want a career in certain jobs where apprenticeships quite literally cannot exist as you have to be trained/qualified/registered prior to appointment.

@Hshuznw

*benefit from

And I say that because this inheritance was never part of the plan for uni and you admit you’re bitter your DC got it instead of you.

@Hshuznw I don’t think OP comes across as bitter at all but why shouldn’t her husband and her have got the money or some of it? The husband was her child after all. No less worthy of that money than the DD’s.

Oh and obviously OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest

@LuckySantangelo35 Because that’s what MIL wanted and decided…

I thought the loans were the same irrespective of parents income, but there is a maintenance grant that is only available if parent(s) income is below threshold.
My income was above the threshold so my son only got the tuition (c. £9250) and subsistence loan (c. £4k ) so anything over £4k had to be funded elsewhere by parents OR a job.

@mam0918

I'm the only one in my family to go to university, I got the tuition fee loan (which is a loan and expected to be paid back) and that's it... my view is no one is owed a free ride from their parents.

My mother could afford my uni but it's not her bill to pay.

Houses, uni, cars etc... are not things you are automatically entitled to, they are things you are exceptionally lucky to get in life and if you don't have money for all 3 then you have to choose - you don't always get everything you want in life.

Once you are over 18 it's time to stand on your own two feet and pay your way like an adult.

You would have been entitled to some maintenance loan too though. If you don't think it was your mother's bill to pay why do you think that parent's income is taken into account? Whilst it hasn't been made explicit to date, I think that will change in the future as some people (like you) don't seemed to have realised.

@rosiemanchester

I agree with dh that money can be used for house deposits/cars many other things that can give dc a substantial head start in life that they would be extremely grateful for, letting them spend it all on uni and living cost they will forget about it later, this is money that their grandmother worked so hard for it should be put to good use, not basic things.

Why would they not be grateful for the ability to secure a degree and further their career in their desired field? That gives them a head start in life, no? Not to mention, not having to stress over money or constantly ask someone else for it does wonders for your mental health.

@Hshuznw True. That’s what MIL decided. So as a result of that OP can decide that she is going to step back a bit in terms of what she is financing for the DDs and go part time with work

[quote Hshuznw]@LuckySantangelo35 Because that’s what MIL wanted and decided…[/quote]
That's doesn't mean it's morally fair.
Extrapolating... someone looks after their mother for years... all inheritance goes to sibling who never lifted a finger.
Was it mum's 'right'? Yes.
Does it seem fair? No, and if anybody says they 'wouldn't care', they're lying. Unless they're already millionaires.

People in healthy relationships make decisions as families, not individual units. That doesn't mean anybody's entitled, but it's not unreasonable to want the burden eased.

You’re effectively leaving your daughters between a rock and a hard place. Very selfish of you op. Why doesn’t your husband go part time and you continue working full time? This isn’t your free ticket to an easier life. If you didn’t want to work hard for your children then why did you offer to support them prior to them receiving their inheritance?