To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

I think if you want to drop hours and have a decrease in pay then that is your concern, however I think that as the inheritance has bypassed you and Hubby then your girls should fund their university experience.

Seems mean spirited
You planned to help him before
So don't renege now

@PleasantBirthday Well, from my personal point of view I will pay for my child's university education because I will insist that she take a third level qualification. She is not near that point yet, but we're treating it as the default, just like we're expecting her to progress from primary to secondary school. Technically, she will be an adult by that time and it will be her own choice, but since it's my very strong opinion that it's the right thing to do, I will expect to need to find the money.

Is this a wind up? Your DD is still in primary and you are already "insisting" she go to Uni?? This is different level batshittery! What if she doesn't want to / doesn't get the required grades / prefers a more vocational career? Are you going to drag her there and force her to learn? Tiger mum at its worst and I feel sorry for your DD if for any reason, she is not able to live up to your expectations.

I think you need to talk to your DH and separate out the issues

There is a real concern that your DDs could fritter it away (and actually you don’t know I think whether it will be in trust and ringfenced anyway) and it is much better with such a sum to leave it for a large house deposit

Then you need a chat about feeling burnt out and sort that out - can he take on more cut things down somewhere else

Can the girls get jobs - loans should cover a lot anyway

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think passing over your DH and siblings goes against the norm a bit anyway, presumably if you had inherited that money then it would have made it much easier to support DC through uni. By being passed over and still supporting DC it sounds like you get screwed a bit TBH. I would try to find a compromise that you pay a set amount. It sounds like they could do with financial advise too - I knew someone who inherited a decent chunk at 18 and frittered it away, she's really sad now she's older and wiser that no-one told her to do something sensible with it.

Also just a thought but could they consider a deposit on a house near uni and rent out the other rooms?

Totally agree. This family should be a team of 4. They need a discussion, a plan and an agreement.

Why would the DC want mum to work herself into the ground to provide 100% of everything now they are in a position to ease the burden.

Why is DH not doing more to play his part, we haven't been told of illness or anything stopping him, so take on extra evening work, and take up some of the stress from OP if ring fencing the inheritance is so important to him.

And DC, if they want to ring fence it, get a part time job. My 6th form and uni DC are both able to easily fit in a few shifts each week. They are proud of having their own money and, and the experience will help them in the long run to secure future jobs.

DC lose out on their maintenance loan because of you and your job, so it would be unfair to completely stop their funding (not that you were suggesting that!).
A compromise could be that you hand DC1 the exact amount of money that she loses in maintenance this year, then since you’re going part time DC2 should receive the full maintenance loan once she starts there too. I’m not sure which year they base your earnings off, but hopefully DC1 would also get full maintenance loan next year too.

Also, could DC’s invest money or purchase a buy-to-let property to generate some extra income until they’re ready to use the inheritance?

And you need to separate out the two issues.

1. The inheritance and making sure that the children don't waste it.

1. You being burnt out and going part time. So you need to work out how to make this happen. Cut costs elsewhere. Have him increase hours. Move house etc.

You can't carry on if you are burnt out so you need to make changes. But you need to have that plan and discussion as though your mil was still alive

I would rather they had the money left for a house.

YANBU OP. They can use the money to do both. What if they want to take some time out, travel etc? Will they still need to keep the money "for a house" and you and DH fund it? Or will you "insist" they don't do anything after Uni other than buy a house?

I am agog at the parents on here who deny their adult DC any autonomy at all. If MIL left the money to the DC, then its the DC's money and up to them how they spend it. Not your DH.

I am in a similar position to you re working hours - I am actually going to start a thread about it to get viewpoints.

I am with your husband.

It’s your role to support your kids through uni if you can.

They’re lucky enough to have a inheritance - I’d be encouraging them to put a chunk away for a house deposit and use some for travelling. It seems mean of you to expect them to use this money for uni.

Get the DC to use the money to buy a house in their uni towns. Renting out the other rooms will cover the mortgage and provide them with an income to take the pressure of you. And will teach them some adult responsibility. And the money is also then invested in property until they're ready to buy a "proper" home. They're unlikely to want to buy straight away when they leave uni, so they can keep a foot on the property ladder, earn an extra income while they're finding their feet in the world of work.

Well, there's not really a right or wrong answer, you have to decide as a family what is the best way to spend the money.

My DS had an inheritance of about that at 18 and we decided that we would pay his £9k a year tuition fees and he would pay all his living expenses. That worked for us all and, as he is a bit stingy sensible boy, he still has plenty of the inheritance left and no student loan to pay back.

I think if I was you OP if you feels tingly enough about stepping back for health reasons I would look into doing so. Independently of the inheritance. Look at what you could step back to and what that would give you in terms of income. (And any impacts on parent contributions to loans).

I'd then sit down with the family and say that us what you are going to do and this will be the impact.you should then look as a family at what will need to be cut back to enable this to happen. Or whether anyone else can take up some of the financial burden.

I would agree that dc2 should get the same amount to years funded as dc1, and I would not agree to funding either of them unless they agree to put away a very large percentage if this inheritance towards a house deposit (as I would not be funding them to fritter inheritance too). But everything over that is up for negotiation.

I don't think you should continue to the point t of burn out when it is not necessary - and your family should take some of the hit for that - as they and you will do if you do burn out.

Is this a reverse, because I can't imagine a woman being so grasping with her own children?

If you have already paid for one DD it’s unfair not to contribute the same amount for the younger one - whatever you decide you need to be fair

There's no such things as 50/50 decision making. If you're at a road and there's A and B, you have to decide which to take. You can't go in the middle.

This reminds me of when football manager Brian Clough was asked what happens when a player disagrees with him. Clough said 'we sit down and discuss it man to man for 20 minutes. And then we decide I was right'.

Sorry @sanbeiji, I digress

Fwiw I inherited money in my last year of school. Our parents advised us we should only touch it for education and/or property.

I used some for uni (no fees in those days) and some for a deposit on a flat.

However I inherited more and property was much less 30 years ago.

100k isn't actually a huge amount if you live in London now unfortunately.

In summary: your wish to cut back at work and not have the pressure of bankrolling your kinds through uni is fair enough, and if they're like me they wouldn't want you to. But it might be sensible to try and ringfence a realistic deposit fee. Try and work out some compromise.

@DillDanding

I am with your husband.

It’s your role to support your kids through uni if you can.

They’re lucky enough to have a inheritance - I’d be encouraging them to put a chunk away for a house deposit and use some for travelling. It seems mean of you to expect them to use this money for uni.

But somehow one of the parents doesn't seem to be trying to increase their stress and effort levels in order to provide for the DC

There doesn't seem to be any need for a SAHParent so maybe OP can reduce her hours and DH can fund additional income opportunities (part time evening work) to fill that gap.

They are a team after all and it doesn't seem fair for all of the stress to generate income to sit only on one pair of shoulders.

Is this a wind up? Your DD is still in primary and you are already "insisting" she go to Uni?? This is different level batshittery! What if she doesn't want to / doesn't get the required grades / prefers a more vocational career? Are you going to drag her there and force her to learn? Tiger mum at its worst and I feel sorry for your DD if for any reason, she is not able to live up to your expectations.

OK, well my point really was that this is why I expect that I will need to finance it. This may be one of the ways in which Ireland and the UK differ. It's very unusual for children to not go to third level here (it's about 78% progressing overall, 90% in our local non-fee paying secondary), parents normally expect their children to go and normally expect to pay for it.

Seems to me you’re just pissed off that MIL gave money direct to her Grandchildren.

You knew what you’d have to contribute to DCs Uni and her sad death should not change this, regardless of what they’ve inherited.

If you had anything about you, you’d be more concerned with them keeping it for a house deposit given the housing crisis and rising costs.

[quote Mybestyear]**@PleasantBirthday* Well, from my personal point of view I will pay for my child's university education because I will insist that she take a third level qualification. She is not near that point yet, but we're treating it as the default, just like we're expecting her to progress from primary to secondary school. Technically, she will be an adult by that time and it will be her own choice, but since it's my very strong opinion that it's the right thing to do, I will expect to need to find the money.*

Is this a wind up? Your DD is still in primary and you are already "insisting" she go to Uni?? This is different level batshittery! What if she doesn't want to / doesn't get the required grades / prefers a more vocational career? Are you going to drag her there and force her to learn? Tiger mum at its worst and I feel sorry for your DD if for any reason, she is not able to live up to your expectations.[/quote]
I thought that. What if her intellect dictates that she hasn’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of getting a university place? We make plans and God laughs.

I think the OP is getting a hard time. They haven't said they are absolving themselves of all financial help, just wanting to ease the pressure, which doesn't sound unreasonable to me.
I think if DH is adamant that the inheritance is for housing costs then he needs to make an appointment with a financial advisor to find out the best way that the money should be invested. At the very least I'd want them to open a LISA because the people I knew who inherited during uni rapidly spent the money on fabulous social lives and have nothing but their memories to show for it now.

100k isn't actually a huge amount if you live in London now unfortunately.

It’s nearly double the average London deposit. And the rest of the country is available.

@Imdonna

If the kids uni fees are the only thing stopping her working part rime, she probably could have. As the kids will get a higher maintence amount and the parental top up would be lower.

Not sure why she never looked at this.

It goes on last years parental income so then they would have been up shit creek without a paddle as they would have had the same loan, and unable to get any money from parents.