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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He took her to where we went

133 replies

PigFaceForever · 16/02/2022 21:55

I was with ex for ten years. We broke up in 2018 and lost touch. Recently we got talking again and something is possibly rekindling. He dated someone which ended 18 months back for a while and took her to the destination we went every year for ten years. The same accommodation which a member of his family owns. I feel really sad about it that he took her to our special place. I know IABU but I feel so sad.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 17/02/2022 12:47

Some random cave hotel in the back end of beyond in rural Turkey that you found together and nobody else in the family knows about = your special place

A family villa on the hilltop of Satorini with a breathtaking view that has been owned by a family member for decades and who allows family/friends to stay for free/hugely discounted rates instead of paying €€€€€€€ rates at a local hotel = a special place you have been to.

There is a massive difference between the two.

I live just on the edge of the Lake District, there are lots of beautiful places to visit and a family member of mine has a property right on Windermere. It was the house they grew upnin and has been in the family for generations but since they needed to be in the city for work it is now used as a holiday home and they will rent it out occasionally. When I was married to ExDH we lived abroad and whenever we came back to the UK my family member was always happy to let us stay in their property - if it was out of season then they asked for nothing, if it was high season then they would let us stay for hugely discounted rates that were far cheaper than any of the hotels we could stay in nearby. It was a beautiful place and we have some special memories there but it is not "our special place" and I would never expect that I could never take anyone else to stay there ever again just because I stayed with ExDH.

AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 12:47

@Bookworm20

I understand why you feel hurt by that. It was somewhere that felt personal to you. Doesn't matter where it is or who owns it, couldv'e been a run down caravan in a field somewhere, but for you it was happy memories together.

I wonder if the new woman knew though? That it was somewhere you went every year. Might have been put to her as my relative has a great place we an stay, do you want to go. If so, very very thoughtless on his part.

I am not sure I'd be too over the moon if a new DP suggested he took me to somewhere he used to go every year with his ex partner. It would feel weird for me and sort of intrusive of his past relationship. But then i'm stupidly sentimental anyway.

Why is it thoughtless? That seems an absolutely ridiculous mindset and something quite juvenile.
Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 12:50

@Rivering

It’s just a man thing, they’re creatures of habit. My husband has taken every girlfriend he’s ever had to the same holiday spot, and then he took me, and now I’m his wife.
Really? I’m a woman and I’d happily go to my sisters place with my partner and not consider that as I’d been there before with an ex I was never allowed to go again with someone else.
fleurpots · 17/02/2022 12:54

I don't see the problem. You were long in the past and it's a family property. Why wouldn't he use it? Did you expect him to never go there again after you split up?

Viviennemary · 17/02/2022 12:55

Sounds like he is having a freebie holiday. A lot of folk are not sentimentsl about the past.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 12:57

Really? I’m a woman and I’d happily go to my sisters place with my partner and not consider that as I’d been there before with an ex I was never allowed to go again with someone else.

Me too, in fact I think it would be really weird not to

Faevern · 17/02/2022 12:58

If this makes you feel sad enough to write about it then I reckon it's just the first of many disappointments if you get back with him. You will have done a lot in 10 years with him that he may have repeated with her.

Sowhatifiam · 17/02/2022 12:59

My ex took his OW to the same country and resort we got married in. It was absolute agony at the time. Now I think what a lack of imagination on his part and poor her that she was prepared to accept that as a reasonable place to be, particularly given the circumstances.

Myturnatlast · 17/02/2022 13:00

I get this. My ExH took his new woman to all the places we used to go to, did all the things together we used to do, like he slotted her into the space I left. It hurt at the time especially as she was the OW for a while until I found out, but now I just pity her for his total lack of imagination while I get on with my happy new life!

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 13:04

@Sowhatifiam

My ex took his OW to the same country and resort we got married in. It was absolute agony at the time. Now I think what a lack of imagination on his part and poor her that she was prepared to accept that as a reasonable place to be, particularly given the circumstances.
tbf that's a completely different scenario to what the OP is talking about. That sounds like a right slap in the face by him
BABAHOTEL · 17/02/2022 13:08

@Sowhatifiam

My ex took his OW to the same country and resort we got married in. It was absolute agony at the time. Now I think what a lack of imagination on his part and poor her that she was prepared to accept that as a reasonable place to be, particularly given the circumstances.
This isn't the OW, this isn't where they got married, this is a family members holiday home in a beautiful place.

Honestly, nothing like your scenario.

AngelinaFibres · 17/02/2022 13:21

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

You split up. Was he supposed to turn the holiday place into a shrine to you and never take anyone else? YABU.
I go back to my favourite place several times a year. I found it with my first husband and we visited a few times before he left me. I loved him and I loved the place. I spent many years as a single parent,taking my children there and they visit now they are adults.I have visited many times with my second husband. I the end I loved the place more than the first husband.If I had a relative with a holiday place there and I was allowed to rent it/borrow it I would go as often as I was able. He was with her and when that relationship was going on he didn't think that it would end and he would possibly rekindle things with you.He was living his life and visiting a family holiday home. Perhaps you and he need to find a new special place for this phase of your lives. Going backwards is never easy. Literally everything he did with and to you he has done with and to her.EVERYTHING. If you are going to stress about it it will never work.
Derbee · 17/02/2022 13:29

Think carefully about why you broke up. It’s unlikely that those issues are fully resolved and the relationship will be successful this time around.

Exes are generally exes for a reason

CallMeDaddy58 · 17/02/2022 13:29

I’m sorry but they broke up 18 months ago and your mooning about the fact he took her to his families holiday home??? She isn’t even a very recent ex. It’s rarely a good idea to get back with an ex but even more so when it doesn’t sound like your in a good frame of mind with regress to him. It doesn’t sound like you’d be starting with a clean slate.

Chickenpoxtwins · 17/02/2022 13:32

If you can't handle the fact he was with someone else then don't get back together.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 17/02/2022 14:19

Again (and again and again) why the assumption that only men do this?

Before we were married, my wife took me to a lovely place she'd been with a previous bloke. None of his business and, more to the point, I'd have been very pissed off if her attitude had been "It's one of my favourite places in the world, and I love it, but I don't want to go there with you because I went there with Charlie."

BellatricksStrange · 17/02/2022 14:21

[quote PigFaceForever]@cismyfatarse. It's like they don't have any imagination to think of somewhere new! If I ever went back there with him I would just think that he had his ex there.[/quote]
Time to use your imagination, you know the one you bemoan your ex not having, and find a new special place.

TakeMe2Insanity · 17/02/2022 14:22

@Aquamarine1029

You broke up for a reason. It's doubtful that reason has changed.
This !
Brefugee · 17/02/2022 14:23

OP think about all the reasons you broke up. Going back doesn't sound like a good idea.

Going to "your place" which turns out to be one of his relatives' places: don't be daft.

babybunny123 · 17/02/2022 14:37

My ex did the same, the OW put photos on FB which i was stalking at the time. My stomach turned over when i saw that they were at a hotel abroad we had been to many many times that we both loved. After the initial shock and hurt i thought he still has no imagination and is still a creature of habit she was welcome to him, wonder if he told her he had been with me, i bet not.

Soakitup37 · 17/02/2022 14:58

My ex husband got married to his new wife at the beautiful 5* hotel we used to go to and refer to as “our place” seems as lazy as a choice as he ever made….

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 14:59

@babybunny123

My ex did the same, the OW put photos on FB which i was stalking at the time. My stomach turned over when i saw that they were at a hotel abroad we had been to many many times that we both loved. After the initial shock and hurt i thought he still has no imagination and is still a creature of habit she was welcome to him, wonder if he told her he had been with me, i bet not.
It isn't the same though, this is the holiday home of his sister not a hotel, why would he stop using that for holidays?
BABAHOTEL · 17/02/2022 15:02

@babybunny123

My ex did the same, the OW put photos on FB which i was stalking at the time. My stomach turned over when i saw that they were at a hotel abroad we had been to many many times that we both loved. After the initial shock and hurt i thought he still has no imagination and is still a creature of habit she was welcome to him, wonder if he told her he had been with me, i bet not.
This is not the same, the OPs ex is taking his new partner to a family property! OP is saying that he can't take new partners to his sisters house because she really likes it there! It is a property held by a family member, not a hotel that has to be booked.
Derbee · 17/02/2022 15:16

@babybunny123

My ex did the same, the OW put photos on FB which i was stalking at the time. My stomach turned over when i saw that they were at a hotel abroad we had been to many many times that we both loved. After the initial shock and hurt i thought he still has no imagination and is still a creature of habit she was welcome to him, wonder if he told her he had been with me, i bet not.
Agree with others that this isn’t the same, because it’s a family owned property.

But in your case, you also went to the hotel many many times, so why is it only your ex who has no imagination/is a creature of habit etc.?

sanbeiji · 17/02/2022 15:17

@Rivering

It’s just a man thing, they’re creatures of habit. My husband has taken every girlfriend he’s ever had to the same holiday spot, and then he took me, and now I’m his wife.
Plenty of women do the same. What’s wrong with taking people to a favourite spot?