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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He took her to where we went

133 replies

PigFaceForever · 16/02/2022 21:55

I was with ex for ten years. We broke up in 2018 and lost touch. Recently we got talking again and something is possibly rekindling. He dated someone which ended 18 months back for a while and took her to the destination we went every year for ten years. The same accommodation which a member of his family owns. I feel really sad about it that he took her to our special place. I know IABU but I feel so sad.

OP posts:
BurntO · 16/02/2022 23:19

It’s okay to feel sad about it. That’s based on your experiences.

But considering it’s owned by his family, it was never your special place. Also bear in mind you both had some good times there? Yes? Many years of good memories with you, and Yeah, he took someone new there… but likely because he had happy memories in that place, thanks to you.

XelaM · 16/02/2022 23:22

So what? You broke up.

Cocomarine · 16/02/2022 23:23

@PigFaceForever

It's a beautiful place. One anyone might pay good money to rent for a few weeks and in a great holiday location abroad.
Didn’t you just answer your own question there? I think (even when you were together) you were more “romantic” about a “special place” than he was. Not everyone gets attached to places - and it’s just a practical thing. Hell, I’ve shagged both my husbands in them same bedroom 🤣
Itsalmostanaccessory · 16/02/2022 23:31

@affairsofdragons

Actually you should be thankful because you've learned something about him: he's lazy and puts in minimal effort with the person he's with.

Taking whomever he happens to be seeing to the family beach house is easy ... requires no imagination or thought about who he's dating and what they might like.

Decide if that him treating you with his 'one size fits all' approach to relationships still interests you.

This is spectacularly nasty and exactly why mumsnet has a reputation of being s best of vipers and man-haters.

I mean, seriously. It is a family owned home in a lovely place. And he should never take anyone else there because he took one woman years ago?

You have no idea what other things this man does for his partners. You have no idea what other effort he makes. But you seem him lazy and say he puts in minimal effort because he takes advantage of a great family connection to have a cheaper holiday with his friends and partners.

If you owned a holiday home, or a close family member did, would you never go there again if you had taken an ex-partner? Would you be lazy and putting in minimal effort if you took any new boyfriends there? No. You wouldnt.

It is one moment in a thousand. It's a cheaper way to go on holiday and you've no idea of his financial situation or that of his past girlfriends. A wee break in a place available for little cost is something everyone would use. They wouldnt atop because they took a girlfriend so now it would be lazy.

People on this thread need to give themselves a shake.

Sunnytwobridges · 16/02/2022 23:36

I have an ex that wont take his current partner to places that he and I used to go. And he refused to go to any place where I went my BF before him. I thought it was ridiculous.

NeverChange · 16/02/2022 23:48

It's one of his relatives property.
He probably isn't charged or at least gets a discount rate.
Why on earth would he not use it?

I think you are being incredibly pretty and irrational.

pictish · 16/02/2022 23:50

Why wouldn’t he take her there? In honour of you? It belongs to his relative does it not?
I don’t mean to be harsh but you’re being unfair to hold that against him.

LilacPaisley · 16/02/2022 23:50

"He took her to where we went" is really him taking her to a place a family member owns.
That's quite a bit different.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 16/02/2022 23:52

My H used to bang on and on about going to a particular resort in Tenerife. Except that I know it was his and his ex’s holiday destination of choice, including where they went for the family holiday they had instead of a honeymoon.

I started out ignoring him and changing the subject but eventually told him that I have literally no desire to ever visit that hotel. Ever.

The ridiculous thing is he still doesn’t seem to get it. It might be a nice hotel but the Canary Islands and other holiday resorts have loads of lovely hotels. Why would I want to go to that one. In fact, I’m insulted he thought it was an appropriate suggestion at all.

Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 23:56

Well your ex has told you by his actions that it's not your special share place. It's his place that he takes his current gf or DW too. I'd stop romanticising this place if I were you ! He's showing you it's not as special between you as you thought!

Ikeptgoing · 17/02/2022 00:00

You know that heartbreak you feel ? It's not as special to him

Your heartbreak isn't listening to facts

https://www.ted.com/talks/guywinchhhowtoofixaabrokenheart

MiddleClassProblem · 17/02/2022 00:01

That place is connected to him and his family, not you, I’m afraid.

I think you’re in that difficult spot that you probably felt like his family after being together for so long but you are not. So things that are connect to his family that you felt were part of you and your relationship, just carry on for him.

HINBU.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 17/02/2022 00:02

Sorry to be blunt but YABU. It’s his family holiday place, not your special place.

Cocomarine · 17/02/2022 07:39

@affairsofdragons are you also saying that the OP has no imagination and is lazy, having chosen to go there 10x too?

UserError012345 · 17/02/2022 09:14

Why did you break up? Remember that.

RainbowBridge21 · 17/02/2022 09:27

In the kindest way possible, it's his family's place why wouldn't he take someone there? It's not your place and you broke up literally 4 years ago.

billy1966 · 17/02/2022 09:32

It is HIS special place OP, so you shouldn't be surprised.

Reflect hard on why you broke up before going back to him.

Reasons for splits rarely change.

Sprucewillis · 17/02/2022 09:48

Please think long and hard before getting back with your ex. He is an ex for a reason. He hasn't changed.

I think it's fair to say you already sound like you have issues about his ex. This is something that will come up over and over again. If you are already thinking like this it is only going to get worse.

I think you would be better leaving it well alone Thanks

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 17/02/2022 09:50

I imagine the reason he took you (and her) there is because a relative owns it so he gets reduced rates?

Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 09:53

I also don’t understand why he wouldn’t op. They were in a relationship and it is a low cost holiday for them. You can’t really think that as you both holidayed there he was banned from ever going there with anyone else ever again?

AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 09:54

So it's his special place that is affordable and he likes to go to?

You are way overthinking this. And possibly why over inflating your importance in that holiday choice.

If he's overall decent keep going.

Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 09:55

@thenewduchessoflapland

Sadly this is the case for many men.I'll never forget the heartbreaking sentiments of a work colleague I worked with at the time as she sadly reflected on the fact that it was Valentine's Day and the previous year she'd been taken to a beautiful hotel and proposed to by her partner and that year her ex was at the same hotel with the woman he's cheated on her with.
That would only be remotely the same If his family owned the hotel Confused
Dumbledoressister · 17/02/2022 09:56

My ex did this with his new gf and fair play to him. We aren't together and his family member owns it - as you say it's free AND beautiful so why wouldn't he? You are definitely being unreasonable.

ImInStealthMode · 17/02/2022 09:59

I sort of see it from both sides OP;

I want to take my DP one day to a couple of amazing places that I went to with my EXH, but I'd never opt for the exact same place / accommodation.

Unless, of course, a family member happened to own beautiful accommodation there that I could get for a discount....

If you had a favourite random hotel somewhere with no family connection I'd also be a bit Hmm at him taking a new person there; but not if it's family owned accommodation.

DillonPanthersTexas · 17/02/2022 10:05

We used to run an hotel and it was, sadly, very common. Bloke booked it with A and then brought B, and even C.

Lack of imagination. Unique place. Choosing partners who might all enjoy the same place.

Why is it sad? Why is it a lack of imagination? If a venue (restaurant, hotel, campsite, pub) ticks all the boxes insofar as being a special memorable place that impresses why not go there again? Does a guy have to research and find another great venue with each relationship he finds himself in just in case he tarnishes the memories of a previous girlfriend?

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