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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He took her to where we went

133 replies

PigFaceForever · 16/02/2022 21:55

I was with ex for ten years. We broke up in 2018 and lost touch. Recently we got talking again and something is possibly rekindling. He dated someone which ended 18 months back for a while and took her to the destination we went every year for ten years. The same accommodation which a member of his family owns. I feel really sad about it that he took her to our special place. I know IABU but I feel so sad.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 17/02/2022 11:02

If this was somewhere that was personal to you, you might have more of a point but I think you're fixating on this place because you're having a hard time getting over that he was with someone else. Presumably she has also been in his home, his bed, various other things that you're either going to have to move beyond or not forgive.
In new or rekindled relationships you have to accept there is a past and probably the less you know about it the better. My DP was really lazy with dates at the beginning - meet in pub for drinks...wander to find a restaurant with a spare table - no forward planning. A few months in he mentioned he'd taken an ex to Venice on a 3rd date. I felt really hurt and I really struggled to get my head around it - was I not worth booking a restaurant yet another woman he'd booked a whole trip away???? As you can probably tell I am still a bit sore if I think about it. So I try not to think about it.

Staryflight445 · 17/02/2022 11:03

The ex probably felt a bit shit about this too, if she was aware.

Ohmybod · 17/02/2022 11:06

Why just the holiday place though? He’ll have gone out with her to coffee shops, restaurants, parks presumably where you might have been previously and might go again…his romantic history will be everywhere. But he’s no longer with her. Focus on the future not the past. If that seems too hard, dont go back there.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 11:06

@affairsofdragons

Actually you should be thankful because you've learned something about him: he's lazy and puts in minimal effort with the person he's with.

Taking whomever he happens to be seeing to the family beach house is easy ... requires no imagination or thought about who he's dating and what they might like.

Decide if that him treating you with his 'one size fits all' approach to relationships still interests you.

Why wouldn't he continue holidaying somewhere he likes with free accommodation?
TheBeesKnee · 17/02/2022 11:07

I understand and I would feel icky about it too. Of you do rekindle your relationship I would like a new "special place".

PatchworkElmer · 17/02/2022 11:08

Sorry, I think YABU here- his family member owns it. It’s not like this is some random cottage in the back of beyond that you discovered together…

ellenpartridge · 17/02/2022 11:11

YABU it's his family holiday place, not your personal special place. Your view of this is honestly a bit weird!

HappyDays40 · 17/02/2022 11:15

It's his sister's place so he will naturally go there.?

SnakeLinguine · 17/02/2022 11:17

Someone I went out with for a year, and remain on very good terms with, though we now live in different countries, has taken his subsequent girlfriend to literally exactly the same places I showed him.

I'd lived in London longterm before I moved away and met him, he didn't know it well (and was originally from overseas), and on weekends there, I'd taken him to my favourite restaurants, walks, bookshops, shown him individual things I liked in museums or galleries etc. Him not being a particularly sensitive chap partly why I ditched him in the first place I did get to hear, a few years after we broke up and I left the country, about how he had wowed his new woman with a customised tour of London which was a venue-for-venue, route-for-route repeat, down to Persephone Books and a drink at the Lamb on Lamb's Conduit Street, 24 bus from Westminster to Hampstead Heath for a stroll including a look at the Rembrandt at Kenwood, dinner at Bocca, across the street for icecream at Gelupo, etc etc. Grin

He was surprised and rather sheepish when I said 'That all sounds very familiar'. I thought it was funny, more than anything.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 11:19

If his family owns it, then it only makes sense he would take people to his family property/ies. I don't understand your problem. It's his own property, of course he'll take every woman there. You need to understand that and accept it.

AllyBee990 · 17/02/2022 11:19

Could it have been the ex asking to go? My brother took his current girlfriend to somewhere he used to take his ex girlfriend after she saw a photo of the view there at my parents house. She asked and had remembered little things he had mentioned about the place. I don't know if he would've gone otherwise but when she asked to go herself and thought it was a great idea he could hardly say no, even if he had thought it to be a special place with someone else. Wouldn't worry about it too much, the place might be the same but the company wasn't and it may have even highlighted to him the difference in feeling between both relationships

goodnightgrumble · 17/02/2022 11:40

My ex did that. Just showed me he lacked imagination!!

goodnightgrumble · 17/02/2022 11:41

@GooodMythicalMorning

My ex is doing this too. Even bought her the same Christmas present as he did for me the previous year. It's lazy imho.
Ha ha mine did too!
Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 12:03

@goodnightgrumble

My ex did that. Just showed me he lacked imagination!!
Um it’s his sisters place abroad, why would he not go 😂
BABAHOTEL · 17/02/2022 12:19

[quote PigFaceForever]@cismyfatarse. It's like they don't have any imagination to think of somewhere new! If I ever went back there with him I would just think that he had his ex there.[/quote]
It's a family place he gets cheap! It's not about somewhere new.

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2022 12:20

I understand why you feel hurt by that. It was somewhere that felt personal to you. Doesn't matter where it is or who owns it, couldv'e been a run down caravan in a field somewhere, but for you it was happy memories together.

I wonder if the new woman knew though? That it was somewhere you went every year. Might have been put to her as my relative has a great place we an stay, do you want to go. If so, very very thoughtless on his part.

I am not sure I'd be too over the moon if a new DP suggested he took me to somewhere he used to go every year with his ex partner. It would feel weird for me and sort of intrusive of his past relationship. But then i'm stupidly sentimental anyway.

Ozanj · 17/02/2022 12:21

Glad you know you’re being unreasonable OP. In my opinion if his family member owns it, it is ‘his’ place rather than both of yours and he can take anyone he wants to. Tbh if you’re thinking of getting back together it might be a plan to start creating new places and making new memories with each other

Heytheredemons · 17/02/2022 12:22

If it was a totally random place, I'd understand your upset. But it was his family property, and you had broken up. He was mot to know that several years later, you'd get back together and want to keep the family property as your own special place.

If it's lost the spark as he has visited with someone else, choose another destination to make your go to place, but make this one random so there is no link to it after.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 12:23

@Bookworm20

I understand why you feel hurt by that. It was somewhere that felt personal to you. Doesn't matter where it is or who owns it, couldv'e been a run down caravan in a field somewhere, but for you it was happy memories together.

I wonder if the new woman knew though? That it was somewhere you went every year. Might have been put to her as my relative has a great place we an stay, do you want to go. If so, very very thoughtless on his part.

I am not sure I'd be too over the moon if a new DP suggested he took me to somewhere he used to go every year with his ex partner. It would feel weird for me and sort of intrusive of his past relationship. But then i'm stupidly sentimental anyway.

The fact that his sister owns it make a huge difference though, he was probably going there before he was with the OP as well (if she owned it then)
BABAHOTEL · 17/02/2022 12:24

Surely as he thought he was broken up for good with you, he owed you no thought? So if anyone the new GF should be upset? After all if you had split up, how was he to know you'd get back together? You do the same things with different partners because you like doing them? Why would you break up from someone and stop doing the things you enjoyed, on the off chance you might get back together?

Very strange thing to be upset about, you're going to have to change your mindset if you are going to rekindle the relationship.

GildedLily17 · 17/02/2022 12:24

I’m sorry it stings but I have a few favourite places and no way would I never recreate previous visits just because I’d been there with an ex partner.

Ylvamoon · 17/02/2022 12:30

@PigFaceForever - I think you read to much into this place. It's a tourist destination and a family member owns it.
It's just a cheap, convenient holiday for him.

Rivering · 17/02/2022 12:31

It’s just a man thing, they’re creatures of habit. My husband has taken every girlfriend he’s ever had to the same holiday spot, and then he took me, and now I’m his wife.

BABAHOTEL · 17/02/2022 12:31

@lisaandalan

Most women are more sentimental than men, they don't think like that. Also agree with another poster, he's a bit of a cheap skate taking them somewhere that won't cost much.
Is he? A beautiful place that him and his new partner can enjoy at a reasonable price? Perhaps his new partner welcomed the cheaper rate also? Maybe she was too tight to pay full cost elsewhere.
AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 12:38

@Rivering

It’s just a man thing, they’re creatures of habit. My husband has taken every girlfriend he’s ever had to the same holiday spot, and then he took me, and now I’m his wife.
That's some massive generalisation there
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