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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we part ways?

119 replies

Anonymous0320 · 16/02/2022 20:58

Hi all,

Reaching out here to seek some wisdom and guidance on my current relationship situation. Have been in a relationship for 4 years, haven't met his parents, never talked to them just occasionally exchange gifts (they sent me one so it felt right to return the gesture). Every-time i bring up meeting them the subject gets swerved, he says in his culture if you bring a girl home its wedding bells. We havent lived together and he said we are in our “dating” phase. I realise life comes with fill of surprises so no point making promises that wont be kept however each time i get on to the topic about the future i get hit back with an answer of “well we dont know what happen in life”. He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal. I feel like he hasnt let me meet the parents because he think im either not good enough or havent told his family about me what so ever. I may also be overthinking this but because he is very conservative and im quiet liberated in my views he might feel as if my ideals wont fit with his families. Im super conflicted about this entire situation.

Any light or guidance on how best to approach the situation will be great, if anyone had similar experience do share with me, id love to hear it!

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
pilates · 16/02/2022 21:00

After 4 years I would expect more than you have described, sorry.

Persephoned · 16/02/2022 21:10

I think you need to think about what you want. What do you want? It’s not clear from your post, and should be the priority. If it’s marriage and children then I think you need to tell him and if he says he doesn’t want that or doesn’t know then you need to end it, hard as that might be. If it’s just a more casual partner, then the set up sounds okay - so it’s really about you and what you want - if you decide that then you can make the right decision about how to address things.

GreenDressRedWine · 16/02/2022 21:22

I had a friend in a similar position, she gave him an ultimatum, they split up and he married someone else shortly after. Obviously there’s no reason to assume your relationship is the same but I would be concerned if you’re expecting a future together.

T00Ts · 16/02/2022 21:29

Four years is a long time. I’d cut my losses. “You’ll always come second to my family” is a bit bleak.

Bryonny84 · 16/02/2022 21:43

Dating for 4 years? Always second to his family? It wouldn't be me I'm afraid. Decide what you want and if it isn't to be second best and to just be kept hanging on you need to walk away. There is so much better out there if you want better.

Merryoldgoat · 16/02/2022 21:46

He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family

He’s telling you that he’ll never choose you. That means that even if his family malign and mistreat you he won’t be on your side.

This is not a man to tie yourself to.

Leave and cut your losses and learn from your experience.

greyeyes · 16/02/2022 21:47

Where's he from OP

My husband is from Afghanistan. I met his whole family within 3 months.

If he wants you, he will make the movements.

Do not waste your time with him.

BlueSuffragette · 16/02/2022 21:55

You really are selling yourself short if you stay with him. This is not an equal relationship. Raise the bar and move on. You deserve so much better than this. He is telling you that he's not really into you. After 4 years, that is tragic. He's also telling you that it will never improve. Bin him and move on.

Returnoftheowl · 16/02/2022 21:55

I don't think you want the same things.

If I'd not meet his family after 4 years of assume he wasn't overly serious.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/02/2022 22:00

He's telling you loud and clear that you are not wife material and never will be. You are only useful as a fuck buddy. I am so sorry if thats too harsh to hear but you need to open your eyes. Its time to leave Flowers

willstarttomorrow · 16/02/2022 22:19

Lots of people meet, have the loved up 'bubble', then meet both sets of friends and family, have the conversation about their future, commit and get engaged and married, have a child, or if marriage is not their thing move in together and just commit, start a family within four years.

Even at 20, even though we eventually moved on, I was in a 4 year relationship in which included both families and friends on both sides. This is because any long term relationship needs respect, honesty and acceptance from each person about the other and everything this includes.

Sorry OP but he is a player and totally has you where he wants you. An ultimatum will make no difference, he will tell you what you want and nothing will change. I suggest trying to get some counselling to talk this through independently. I realise this is bloody hard to come by as my work means I meet lots of women in your situation. However, experience means you will likely not accept any advice from friends and family -let alone random on the internet.

PeachCottonTree · 16/02/2022 22:38

Only you can decide if you can live with coming 2nd to his family forever. We’re both very family oriented and spend lots of time with our families together and individually. But we’re also a family unit just the two of us and I know DH has got my back and will put me first no matter what I need, as I do for him. I personally couldn’t stay in a relationship where I didn’t feel important to the other person.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 16/02/2022 22:45

Doesn’t bode well

CaperCaper · 16/02/2022 22:55

4 years and you don't have any timeline for the future and he hasn't fully invited you into his life...you need to make the decision on whether you want to continue with a casual relationship that's unlikely to go anywhere or move on.

Original poster
Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 08:05

I agree, appologies, i totally want more especially after 4 years or at least an indication that it will move that way, but its very much one sided i feel like im the only one asking these questions, he seems comfortable without them. Thank you again for your advice!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 08:08

Even if you meet his family and get married or whatever he will never, ever have your back. They could treat you like shit and he'll take their side because 'family comes first'.

Original poster
Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 08:08

My partner is from Albania for context, not sire if anyone can shed light on their experiences with Albanian people

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 17/02/2022 08:09

I would dump his ass today.
Bye and block.

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 08:09

@Anonymous0320

My partner is from Albania for context, not sire if anyone can shed light on their experiences with Albanian people
My sisters dad is Albanian and he never had any problems introducing any of us to his family. He and my mom never married or anything but we often had visits from them.
Gowithme · 17/02/2022 08:11

So when does 'the dating phase' end? I suspect he's going to date you until he finds the person he wants to marry and then he'll drop you like a stone. He's keeping his options open by not committing in any way shape or form.

steppemum · 17/02/2022 08:19

well, I'm really sorry, but reading your post reminds me so much of other situations I have seen.

You are good enough FOR NOW.
You are his fill in while he is waiting for his life partner to appear.

He is never going to commit, he doesn't think this is for life.

Sorry OP.
I would be clear. After 4 years, I am ready to think abotu future, weddings, kids etc.
If you aren't that is fine, then we are finished. I would give him some time to think, but not much time, maybe a week.

I would also try and disappear for that week, tell him that you are not available at all, no texts, no meetings no contact for that week.

See what happens. But I am 99% sure that he will walk away.

felulageller · 17/02/2022 08:31

Cut and move on.

FinallyHere · 17/02/2022 08:42

. He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family

Honestly, you are setting yourself up for a whole lifetime of your wishes always coming second to 'the family'.

Don't do it, get out now while you still can, before you have DC with him and are trapped in this dynamic where what you want counts for nothing.

Find someone who loves you and puts you front and centre of his life.

Original poster
Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 08:46

@Merryoldgoat

He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family

He’s telling you that he’ll never choose you. That means that even if his family malign and mistreat you he won’t be on your side.

This is not a man to tie yourself to.

Leave and cut your losses and learn from your experience.

This is what im so afraid of, because he think so highly of his mum because he is such a mummys boy that i feel like if i disagree with her views especially he wont be on my side. Ive held on to this for so long hoping maybe being with me hed realise some things but its been the same
OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 08:50

@BlueSuffragette

You really are selling yourself short if you stay with him. This is not an equal relationship. Raise the bar and move on. You deserve so much better than this. He is telling you that he's not really into you. After 4 years, that is tragic. He's also telling you that it will never improve. Bin him and move on.
Inside i agree with with you, because ive had multiple conversations, where i had to ask him to emotionally support me when im sad or upset or distressed, he would always say "i dont know" eventually i stopped telling him how i feel and kept it between myself only
OP posts: