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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should we part ways?

119 replies

Anonymous0320 · 16/02/2022 20:58

Hi all,

Reaching out here to seek some wisdom and guidance on my current relationship situation. Have been in a relationship for 4 years, haven't met his parents, never talked to them just occasionally exchange gifts (they sent me one so it felt right to return the gesture). Every-time i bring up meeting them the subject gets swerved, he says in his culture if you bring a girl home its wedding bells. We havent lived together and he said we are in our “dating” phase. I realise life comes with fill of surprises so no point making promises that wont be kept however each time i get on to the topic about the future i get hit back with an answer of “well we dont know what happen in life”. He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal. I feel like he hasnt let me meet the parents because he think im either not good enough or havent told his family about me what so ever. I may also be overthinking this but because he is very conservative and im quiet liberated in my views he might feel as if my ideals wont fit with his families. Im super conflicted about this entire situation.

Any light or guidance on how best to approach the situation will be great, if anyone had similar experience do share with me, id love to hear it!

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

Tricked2003 · 17/02/2022 11:21

Do not waste your life on a man who has already told you that you will always come 2nd to his family!!!!

tfresh · 17/02/2022 11:23

Have you considered that you might be the other woman?

Yousexybugger · 17/02/2022 11:31

I feel hidden as if im not trusted enough to be let into his family this massively rings a bell. My ex actually said as much (not in so many words). He worried that some of my more liberal views might offend his family. Obviously I wouldn't have just started lecturing them on equal rights over tea and cake but he just didn't seem able to see a way of conciling the two parts of his life.

This is no way to live and it won't change if your boyfriend sees you similarly. Not fully anyway. You deserve someone who is proud to take you anywhere.

You also can't blame yourself for other people's stereotypical views of Russian women.

Momijin · 17/02/2022 11:33

Nah, that's not acceptable op. You should really be introduced within a year. And if you're together 4 years and still don't know if you want to be together then it isn't the right relationship for you or him.

Don't waste more time on him. There are so many men out there!

Original poster

Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 11:46

@Yousexybugger

This is no way to live and it won't change if your boyfriend sees you similarly. Not fully anyway. You deserve someone who is proud to take you anywhere.

You also can't blame yourself for other people's stereotypical views of Russian women.

Couldn't have said it better myself, i think im mature and grownup enough to know boundaries so im not going to lecture them on my views of society and life - especially the first time meeting them! I just want to know the people who raised him i want to be also accepted in and have them become a part of my life thats all- not asking for much.

Thank you very much for your reply, definitely nice hearing people out there had a similar situation.

OP posts:

BrightYellowDaffodil · 17/02/2022 11:48

Speaking about kids with him it seems that he would like his parents to look after them mostly, he said itll be easier because his mum is a stay at home wife and his dad will probably be retired soon so they can look after my babies while i work and all the time if i wanted as if my family dont want to see their grand children.

And what about what you might want? He's going to palm off your baby onto his parents whom you've never met?

What do you get out of this relationship; a relationship that seems to revolve around what he wants and where you have to keep your feelings to yourself?

Original poster

Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 11:50

@tfresh

Have you considered that you might be the other woman?

Although i have considered this i very much doubt it, im his first girlfriend, he barely knows how to handle himself let alone 2 women at once- i say that in a non offensive way, because he depends on his mum for most of things and me for some. From first date he made it clear that if either of us felt like cheating or just wanting something or someone else then we say that and go separate ways. He is very transparent in the sense. He doesn't believe in breaks either said if either of us were to suggest one we would just call it quits instead.

OP posts:

qpmz · 17/02/2022 11:53

It doesn't sound good for the long term. You have different values and culture. Are you really in love with each other? You deserve to be someone's number 1.

Sparkletastic · 17/02/2022 11:56

You deserve much more than he is willing to give.

catscatscatseverywhere · 17/02/2022 11:58

"He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal."

Sorry, but this is complete bullshit.

Original poster

Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 11:58

@BrightYellowDaffodil

And what about what you might want? He's going to palm off your baby onto his parents whom you've never met?

What do you get out of this relationship; a relationship that seems to revolve around what he wants and where you have to keep your feelings to yourself?

I think if i go on to have his kids ill defo meet his family but from short conversations that ive had it very much looks like the kids will be with his side of the family. Having 1st hand experience in having grandparents raise kids as i was raised by grandparents while my parents worked abroad when i was young, i grew up and formed most of my core beliefs from old and traditional ones so when i moved over to uk it was a shock to the system seeing how open and liberated people were. And being with my parents now i know that my upbringing would of been totally different if they were there. Hence i want to raise my kids, i want to put healthy ideal into their mind - i dont mind the kids seeing grandparents but id ideally like to raise my child

OP posts:

KindredKeely · 17/02/2022 12:10

from short conversations that ive had it very much looks like the kids will be with his side of the family

eh, what?

you'd be expected to hand over your own children to people you barely know, would always come first in priorities, and he doesn't want you to meet or get to know?

why the fuck haven't you run away from this bizarre setup the moment it became clear what his expectations were?

aim higher op.

ditch him - he's no life partner.

NameGoesHere · 17/02/2022 12:12

do not have kids with him!!! dump him

candycane222 · 17/02/2022 12:13

I think the poor woman who ends up having his kids and/or marrying him is going to have the in-laws from hell and likely doomed to a miserable life. Don't let it be you! You are sensibile enough to question whether this is rhe life you want, before the situation is irreversible. Seize this gift of knowledge with both hands! Leave him behind and move forward into a life where you can meet men who will rightly treat you as an equal human, and not as a sexual facility.

catscatscatseverywhere · 17/02/2022 12:18

@NameGoesHere

do not have kids with him!!! dump him

This

KindredKeely · 17/02/2022 12:20

the life he's expecting you to lead looks like this:

not knowing his family.
coming last in his priorities.
these strangers raising your children.
you providing him with offspring that you don't get an equal say in how they are reared.
no respect, sharing his life with you.

would you want this for your future daughter? it sounds horrific. your "partner" is an awful person.

violetmonster · 17/02/2022 12:21

He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal.

I can't think of a single reason why he would regularly be telling you this! How rude

Yuckypretty · 17/02/2022 12:21

By coming second to his family I wonder if this includes that when his parents need more care as they get older that they would move in and his wife would have to be their carer.

Original poster

Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 12:27

@Yuckypretty

By coming second to his family I wonder if this includes that when his parents need more care as they get older that they would move in and his wife would have to be their carer.

Yeah! Thats what he had with mums brother who lodged with them for 5 years before moving out. He told me if we were to ever live together or when he even himself gets a house he wants it close to his parents like 10 minute drive. So i do believe when they are older they will live with us, and im not too sure im ready to share my home with others, its my personal bubble. I also dont see the reason why you should move out in order to stay close to family like a 10 min drive, kind of goes against the point of moving out.

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 17/02/2022 12:31

i will always come 2nd after his family - always, after DC? I think after being told this then that would be the end. Also doesn't seem to be any prospect of a trajectory. If you are looking for a relationship to progress then time to end it and firmly understand what a good relationship looks like for the future.

Good luck.

ChocolateMassacre · 17/02/2022 12:31

I'd end it. He's not that into you and he sounds like hard work. The whole relationship sounds like a chore. Also, being with him is stopping you from meeting someone who actually values you. Life is too short.

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 12:33

Do you want to be second best to his family for the rest of your life? Do you want your whole life on his terms?

ChocolateMassacre · 17/02/2022 12:34

Sorry, I've just seen your update. You're questioning whether YABU to want to raise your own child?!!

Run, run, run and don't look back.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 17/02/2022 12:53

I think if i go on to have his kids ill defo meet his family but from short conversations that ive had it very much looks like the kids will be with his side of the family.

What? And he wants to buy a house close to Mummy and Daddy so that not only can they have your child/children but you can look after the parents when they're old?

OP, he doesn't want a partner, he wants a womb to rent to provide him with children and a free carer for his parents. He'll probably want you to be his little housewife too - is this the life you want?

BeenHereForAges · 17/02/2022 12:54

OP in the gentlest way leave this one well alone. He and his family sound like a potential nightmare.
You deserve to be with someone who values you.

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