Should we part ways?

[Anonymous0320]

Hi all,

Reaching out here to seek some wisdom and guidance on my current relationship situation. Have been in a relationship for 4 years, haven't met his parents, never talked to them just occasionally exchange gifts (they sent me one so it felt right to return the gesture). Every-time i bring up meeting them the subject gets swerved, he says in his culture if you bring a girl home its wedding bells. We havent lived together and he said we are in our “dating” phase. I realise life comes with fill of surprises so no point making promises that wont be kept however each time i get on to the topic about the future i get hit back with an answer of “well we dont know what happen in life”. He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal. I feel like he hasnt let me meet the parents because he think im either not good enough or havent told his family about me what so ever. I may also be overthinking this but because he is very conservative and im quiet liberated in my views he might feel as if my ideals wont fit with his families. Im super conflicted about this entire situation.

Any light or guidance on how best to approach the situation will be great, if anyone had similar experience do share with me, id love to hear it!

Thanks again everyone

@willstarttomorrow

Lots of people meet, have the loved up 'bubble', then meet both sets of friends and family, have the conversation about their future, commit and get engaged and married, have a child, or if marriage is not their thing move in together and just commit, start a family within four years.

Even at 20, even though we eventually moved on, I was in a 4 year relationship in which included both families and friends on both sides. This is because any long term relationship needs respect, honesty and acceptance from each person about the other and everything this includes.

Sorry OP but he is a player and totally has you where he wants you. An ultimatum will make no difference, he will tell you what you want and nothing will change. I suggest trying to get some counselling to talk this through independently. I realise this is bloody hard to come by as my work means I meet lots of women in your situation. However, experience means you will likely not accept any advice from friends and family -let alone random on the internet.

Thank you!

I would t be reaching out online to people if i wasnt willing to take any of their advice, youre very right and thats similar to what my mum has said.

I actually know what needs to be done i just wanted people to i guess validate it for me or point out if im bot seeing something that they might be, which is exactly what i got and i cannot thank everyone here more for that!

Thank you for your kind words!

Would he be happy to come second after your family though? There are red flags all around this guy.

It’s simple really, he doesn’t see you as his life partner, you’re just convenient until he finds a woman he does deem worthy.. You could give him the ultimatum like PP above has said, but why bother? He’s already demonstrating that he has no intention of committing and he doesn’t see you as wife material, so why try to force his hand?

You deserve better than being somebody’s interim fuck OP. If you’re happy with that then fine, but it doesn’t sound like you are.

I'm assuming your ethnicity is different ?
And that may be why you haven't met his family or moved the relationship along?

Sorry but I don't think he will change. LTB but be prepared that he'll probably meet someone else and get married to them quite quickly. It just seems to be the pattern.

Good luck in finding someone who is happy to introduce you to their family and prioritise your relationship and future.

He is telling you , you are worthy of being a girlfriend / fwb type of relationship , but not good enough to potentially become a life partner / wife. If he adored you , he would be proud to introduce you to his family.
You know this is not an equal normal relationship , and you are selling yourself short , a more important it shows a total lack of respect to you.

I would have left him after he said you would always be second best to his family. There is so much embedded in that one sentence.

It says "Don't expect anything of me, don't expect commitment, I will decide the level of commitment in our relationship and not you, and you are second best to the people I love so don't interfere with that hierarchy" .

Apart from the fact that you are not his first priority, HE is taking all the decision-making power for himself. Why does he get to do that? Don't you have a say? Shouldn't you both be coming to a mutual decision about the seriousness of your relationship? It's so bloody arrogant and entitled of a man to say this to a woman.

I am not saying it is wrong for a man to be committed to his own family btw. Not at all. That is generally a good thing. It's the fact that he is so arrogant and dismissive of your feelings and that he is setting out the terms of your relationship without your input. An assumption that you will put up.and shut up. Ugh.

Also there is no humimity in that sentence either. Not a hint of "I wonder if she happy with me?" "What can I do to win her affection?" "Will she put me before everyone else?" He is so bloody cocksure that you will accept his terms and conditions and thinks you are lucky to have him!

At least he was honest I suppose. But please, please don't settle for being treated this way.

Fine if you are going out casually, but once you are in a committed relationship, I think you should be entitled to believe that you will come first with your partner. You deserve better. Would you want any future dc to be subjected to this hierarchy of love? Or would they immediately become family leaving you out in the cold?

Run for the hills! Don't allow yourself to be used in this way!

humility

@GrimDamnFanjo

I'm assuming your ethnicity is different ? And that may be why you haven't met his family or moved the relationship along?

Yeah im from russia originally but i have never liked russian culture or the country in general, i found my home when i moved over here with my parents over 15 or so years ago.

If you want to move forward you'll have to leave this bloke. Although leaving someone who has no desire for you to meet his family or ever become part of it should be easy.

His attitude isn't normal for nice people.

Ditch him and move forward with a life.

@HollowTalk

Would he be happy to come second after your family though? There are red flags all around this guy.

The absolute off thing is when i asked him that in return he was like well its family, I expect you to put them above me. I wasnt quiet sure how to come back to that

I know two English women married to Albanian men.
Both married and had children within a few years. The husbands parents still live in Albania though so may be different.

Would his family come before any potential kids too? Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my dh put his parents above me. I wouldn't be living where I am now and my life would just look completely different. How would you bring up your kids with such different approaches?

@seven201

Would his family come before any potential kids too? Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my dh put his parents above me. I wouldn't be living where I am now and my life would just look completely different. How would you bring up your kids with such different approaches?

Speaking about kids with him it seems that he would like his parents to look after them mostly, he said itll be easier because his mum is a stay at home wife and his dad will probably be retired soon so they can look after my babies while i work and all the time if i wanted as if my family dont want to see their grand children.

Something about it didnt feel right, i think i would probably move down to 3rd place probably

@Smileyaxolotl1

I know two English women married to Albanian men. Both married and had children within a few years. The husbands parents still live in Albania though so may be different.

If his family lived back in albania i think things might of been more different, he is attached by the hip to them now.

His family don't take priority because he's Albanian. They just take priority because they're that kind of family.

Don't let him blame culture or anything else.

Definitely time to cut your losses, OP. I thought that at "you'll always come second to my family", but that shit about his parents bringing up your kids while you continue to work has all kinds of alarm bells ringing!

Could this man already he married?

Please never have children with this man. Your life will be a misery. LTB is my advice.

Yes,you should part your ways.

Run.Run for the hills and don’t look back.

He already told you you will never be good enough for him or his family. How “kind” of him to think about allowing you to go back to work after having a baby and his parents bringing it up. You’d have no say in how the child is brought up.

Any disagreements would be horrendous, you would be the villain and his family scapegoat.

Run.

I’m telling you as the person from your neighbouring country where patriarchy is at its worst.

Find a man who will treat you as an equal not a subordinate.
Find a man who will treat you with love and respect,something that your current partner is seriously lacking.

End this relationship and move on.

I’m afraid he simply doesn’t see you as a long-term prospect. It’s a hard thing to admit, but it’s better to do it sooner rather than later.

Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of thinking ‘But I’ve invested four years in this relationship - I’ve got to stick with it’. I’ve seen too many women do that and it never works out well. It becomes a vicious circle - instead of ‘wasting’ four years, you end up wasting five, seven or ten years, while at the same time thinking ‘Well now I’ve spent SEVEN years on this; I can’t just let it go now’. You can and you should.

Sorry OP, but he's making his stance pretty clear, you're a 'Miss Right Now'. If he had intentions of making this permanent, he would be trying to strike a compromise between his customs and making you happy. Certainly after 4 years. I am not that familiar with Albanian culture but would imagine that a man from anywhere who is really keen after 4 years would be looking to assimilate you with his family life, not rank you below them.

Cultural differences can be hard to negotiate but I don't think that's the problem here. If you want more, I would let this one go.

I had similar (not Albanian) with a very nice man who is a good friend now. It was very hurtful knowing that I couldn't be brought into his home life at all unless he deemed me marriage material so there was a constant judgement hanging over that I was aware of. He tried to compromise, allowing me to come round once when his parents were abroad, letting me meet his more western younger sister, and work friends, but it still felt like I was being kept in a separate silo from his main life. Not workable for me or my mental health so I ended it and suggested friendship instead.

Think about what you want and look at how he is negotiating this. It doesn't sound like he's doing so with much tact.

YY to avoiding the sunken costs fallacy. Better to cut your losses after 4 years knowing you tried than 20 years of this if it isn't suiting you.

Nope, I'd be gone by now and have done the same with a previous bf who said he didn't want kids until he was 40 (we were 24!)

@Yousexybugger

Sorry OP, but he's making his stance pretty clear, you're a 'Miss Right Now'. If he had intentions of making this permanent, he would be trying to strike a compromise between his customs and making you happy. Certainly after 4 years. I am not that familiar with Albanian culture but would imagine that a man from anywhere who is really keen after 4 years would be looking to assimilate you with his family life, not rank you below them.

Cultural differences can be hard to negotiate but I don't think that's the problem here. If you want more, I would let this one go.

I had similar (not Albanian) with a very nice man who is a good friend now. It was very hurtful knowing that I couldn't be brought into his home life at all unless he deemed me marriage material so there was a constant judgement hanging over that I was aware of. He tried to compromise, allowing me to come round once when his parents were abroad, letting me meet his more western younger sister, and work friends, but it still felt like I was being kept in a separate silo from his main life. Not workable for me or my mental health so I ended it and suggested friendship instead.

Think about what you want and look at how he is negotiating this. It doesn't sound like he's doing so with much tact.

This is exactly how it is for me now, ive only met his work friends and only some of them, and a few of his school mates. Briefly met his brother when he dropped him off at mine. Never met his parents, cousins as thats who he spend most time with. Stayed round his once in 4 years and when his family were in greece. I feel hidden as if im not trusted enough to be let into his family. Partially blame myself sometimes for it, maybe because russian people are deemed golddigers despite me being the polar opposite, maybe my ideals being too freeing for him.