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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we part ways?

119 replies

Anonymous0320 · 16/02/2022 20:58

Hi all,

Reaching out here to seek some wisdom and guidance on my current relationship situation. Have been in a relationship for 4 years, haven't met his parents, never talked to them just occasionally exchange gifts (they sent me one so it felt right to return the gesture). Every-time i bring up meeting them the subject gets swerved, he says in his culture if you bring a girl home its wedding bells. We havent lived together and he said we are in our “dating” phase. I realise life comes with fill of surprises so no point making promises that wont be kept however each time i get on to the topic about the future i get hit back with an answer of “well we dont know what happen in life”. He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal. I feel like he hasnt let me meet the parents because he think im either not good enough or havent told his family about me what so ever. I may also be overthinking this but because he is very conservative and im quiet liberated in my views he might feel as if my ideals wont fit with his families. Im super conflicted about this entire situation.

Any light or guidance on how best to approach the situation will be great, if anyone had similar experience do share with me, id love to hear it!

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 17/02/2022 13:10

Honestly I think you're keeping him occupied until he finds a wife. He's not ready for a wife but he wants someone to have fun with. When he's ready for a wife I don't think it'll be you I'm afraid.

pansypotter123 · 17/02/2022 13:45

The cultural background is a red-herring here. After four years you are entitled to know where your relationship heading. If it is heading in a direction you don't want, and it looks as though it is, then just end the relationship and move on. That way you won't be wasting anymore time on him and you will be free to meet someone who can give you what you want and deserve from your relationships. How old are you by the way? I assume you have no shared financial interests - house, savings etc?

pansypotter123 · 17/02/2022 13:45

*is heading

Original poster
Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 13:54

@pansypotter123

The cultural background is a red-herring here. After four years you are entitled to know where your relationship heading. If it is heading in a direction you don't want, and it looks as though it is, then just end the relationship and move on. That way you won't be wasting anymore time on him and you will be free to meet someone who can give you what you want and deserve from your relationships. How old are you by the way? I assume you have no shared financial interests - house, savings etc?
Im 23 going on to be 24 soon, and he is 25 going on to be 26, we havent got anything shared at all just going on date nights every week or so.
OP posts:
KindredKeely · 17/02/2022 13:56

you've already wasted 4 years with this horrible man. have the responses here helped you to realise his expectations aren't normal/healthy?

Original poster
Anonymous0320 · 17/02/2022 14:21

@KindredKeely

you've already wasted 4 years with this horrible man. have the responses here helped you to realise his expectations aren't normal/healthy?
It has definitely validated my concerns and actually brought a lot more point to the surface that i need to think about - im going to have my last sit down with him to talk it over because i havent voiced my strong opinion of how i feel because i originally thought i was over thinking it but it appear not. I just want to get his view but if the conversation doesnt lead anywhere then im ready to go, 4 years is a long time.
OP posts:
LucyOrli · 17/02/2022 14:39

**“he would like his parents to look after them mostly”

I’ve just had my first baby and my mother-in-law is a kind woman who I like very much but I would need to be cold in my grave before I allowed anyone else to bring up my son. Your boyfriend wouldn’t even let you be a mother to your own babies. Think about that. His attitude is medieval.

HW1989 · 17/02/2022 14:55

Run while you can! And whatever you do, do NOT have children with this man. You shouldn’t have to be second to his family, you should become a part of his family. And you should be able to discuss a future, one that sounds a lot more appealing than what you have described.
Please leave this guy and move on to better things.

billy1966 · 17/02/2022 15:12

4 years you have allowed yourself to be treated like a dirty secret.

Why OP?

Have a look at the online Freedom programme to help you establish some boundaries.

You sound very vulnerable to have accepted this treatment.

You deserve better than this boy.

Flowers
balalake · 17/02/2022 15:44

I don't think his nationality or heritage has anything to do with it. He is either waiting for someone to come along who he thinks is better, or is a commitment phobe.

You are right to have a conversation as you suggest, but I'm thinking it may end up being that the relationship ends.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/02/2022 16:54

I dont think he is being honest with you, the reason he is not introducing you is not because that would be marriage, its because he knows they will not approve of you. He doesnt want to end the relationship but he knows if he brings his family into it they may well force him too.

It could well be that you are Russian, the Balkan countries have a very strained relationship with Russia and the animosity is likely personal for older people who have lived through various conflicts. I'm afraid he may never want to take this risk, or feel that strongly about you to risk his familys disapproval.

Electriq · 17/02/2022 17:03

I havent RTFT but if he is saying you come second to his family, is he telling you that you are his mistress?

Fimofriend · 17/02/2022 17:20

He is just not into you. You serve a purpose but he does not love you. He might not even like you.

Macanncheese · 17/02/2022 17:35

@LucyOrli

**“he would like his parents to look after them mostly”

I’ve just had my first baby and my mother-in-law is a kind woman who I like very much but I would need to be cold in my grave before I allowed anyone else to bring up my son. Your boyfriend wouldn’t even let you be a mother to your own babies. Think about that. His attitude is medieval.

This!
Lifeslooser · 17/02/2022 17:37

4 years is a long time.

You will always come second to his family so he has no intention of ever making you family!

Cut your loses

Thedogscollar · 17/02/2022 18:08

@Anonymous0320
I'd ideally like to raise my child 😢 you should not even have to be thinking like this.

Please get out now. You owe him nothing no reason required. Tell him it's over tonight.

goodnightgrumble · 17/02/2022 18:29

It sounds like you have low self esteem. Please please please value yourself. My first marriage was like this and I am now married to a man who still adores me 13 years on.
It is such a difference been with someone who values you x

lioncitygirl · 17/02/2022 18:45

Omg get out while you can!

hattie43 · 17/02/2022 18:47

I think he is stringing you along until he marries someone of his own culture.

D0gg0R0cket · 17/02/2022 18:58

This is going nowhere

End it

Find someone who appreciates you

merryhouse · 17/02/2022 20:51

Four years.. blimey. We were early twenties, students, living 200 miles apart, and we'd been married ten months after four years.

If you don't know yet, you never will.

Ginger1982 · 17/02/2022 20:59

4 years?? Fuck that!

FinallyHere · 17/02/2022 21:25

he depends on his mum for most of things and me for some

I can't say that I would find this any kind of attractive. Thinking someone died and mad him God, that he decides things unilaterally and that is how things are was bad enough. To discover that, at the same time, he is prepared to be dependent.

Ugh.

pansypotter123 · 17/02/2022 21:38

You're 23 with the rest of your life and a bright future ahead of you. Why waste another breath trying to get this waste of space to come round to your way of thinking. Dump him now and get out with your friends and live your life. It's only by doing that will you meet someone with whom you can have the relationship you want and deserve! Good luck and report back when you've ditched him SmileDaffodilWink

pansypotter123 · 17/02/2022 21:44

@Anonymous0320 **

Hence i want to raise my kids, i want to put healthy ideal into their mind - i dont mind the kids seeing grandparents but id ideally like to raise my child

Let me tell you a secret - it's actually your right to raise your child. There's no "ideally" about it.