Should we part ways?

[Anonymous0320]

Hi all,

Reaching out here to seek some wisdom and guidance on my current relationship situation. Have been in a relationship for 4 years, haven't met his parents, never talked to them just occasionally exchange gifts (they sent me one so it felt right to return the gesture). Every-time i bring up meeting them the subject gets swerved, he says in his culture if you bring a girl home its wedding bells. We havent lived together and he said we are in our “dating” phase. I realise life comes with fill of surprises so no point making promises that wont be kept however each time i get on to the topic about the future i get hit back with an answer of “well we dont know what happen in life”. He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal. I feel like he hasnt let me meet the parents because he think im either not good enough or havent told his family about me what so ever. I may also be overthinking this but because he is very conservative and im quiet liberated in my views he might feel as if my ideals wont fit with his families. Im super conflicted about this entire situation.

Any light or guidance on how best to approach the situation will be great, if anyone had similar experience do share with me, id love to hear it!

Thanks again everyone

He’s managed down your expectations to the ocean floor. Get out of this relationship and think about what YOU would like from a partner. Good luck and I wish you well.

@Anonymous0320if is he albo? Lol

4 years is long, if he doesn’t know by now if you’re the one I doubt he ever will

I’m guessing he’s not told his parents and they will be angry that’s your not f the same culture as them

It’s going to be tough I’m telling you now

@Anonymous0320

My partner is from Albania for context, not sire if anyone can shed light on their experiences with Albanian people

@Anonymous0320

Lol I knew he was Albanian straight away
I’m married to an Albanian we’ve been married 21years
I met his family after 2 months we have 2 children

I’m telling you now he won’t marry you get gone now your gonna be broken hearted
Trust me I’ve seen it over and over and over

Some Albanian parents are difficult and expect their sons to marry a clean albo girl and I suspect his are this way that’s why he hasn’t let you meet them

I’m so sorry

I’ve seen girls come and go for over 20 years with my husbands cousins etc they all get left behind

@catscatscatseverywhere

"He is very family orientated and always told me that i will always come 2nd after his family which i totally respect because family is family but sometimes do find it upsetting as i feel like im just not good enough to be at least an equal."

Sorry, but this is complete bullshit.

@catscatscatseverywhere unfortunately it isn’t bullshit in this case many many Albanians are like this

Even Albanian men that marry Albanian women still put there parents first it’s a cultural thing not all but a lot, boys are seen and raised as the ones who will look after there parents above the wife
A lot of wives are seen as the second in the family she is only there to have children, cook clean and obey her husband and she to must care for HIS parents more than even her own.(old traditions) the youngest boy in the family have a duty to live with his parents even after he is married

Sorry if this seems harsh but it’s just the old mentality of the culture the new generation are now skipping these old traditions and living how ever they please

Have you decided what to do OP?

You're young, he has been very open and honest that you're not a priority, you're agreeing with all the PP who say that this is not a good relationship for you, you don't live together

So why the need for a "last sit down conversation"? Surely all you need to say is that you have enjoyed spending time with him but it doesn't appear the relationship has a future, so it's time to move on but you wish him well for the future

In fairness, he has set out his stall clearly. You're currently choosing to ignore what he's telling you

You have plenty of time to move on and meet someone more compatible. I know it's hard, after 4 years, but this relationship won't improve

His parents buy you gifts but have not asked to meet you?

@2catsandhappy

His parents buy you gifts but have not asked to meet you?

Yeah its a little weird, we are exchange birthday and Christmas gifts.

[quote tinx]@Anonymous0320if is he albo? Lol

4 years is long, if he doesn’t know by now if you’re the one I doubt he ever will

I’m guessing he’s not told his parents and they will be angry that’s your not f the same culture as them

It’s going to be tough I’m telling you now[/quote]
Think thats what i needed to hear tbh, i just want more people who date Albanians to tell me if this is how it is.

It seems thats it wont go anywhere so im going closing the chapter on all of this today.

Thanks so much for finding this thread and sharing!

@goodnightgrumble

It sounds like you have low self esteem. Please please please value yourself. My first marriage was like this and I am now married to a man who still adores me 13 years on. It is such a difference been with someone who values you x

I do and i dont id say because in the past the relationships have just destroyed me so ive rebuilt myself to then realise that ive just been taken for an idiot thinking that maybe something would change, i just have too much patience - its defo a learning curve.

He's been clear he's not about to marry (maybe anyone) his family will always come first. I wouldn't marry someone or have future plans with someone who will never commit to their partner like that. He aims to be the single uncle who helps out everyone.

@Anonymous0320

He might try to pull you back in, you’ll think he’s going to commit give you some shit excuses you’ll accept it because you think he loves you and stay with him ….

THEN he will leave you when his parents get him engaged to an Albanian girl without a second thought - I’ve seen it it’s absolute truth that I’m telling you I promise

Be good to yourself and find someone who shares your own values/mentality/ etc

He is one of these boys that follow the rules of mummy and daddy

It was different with my husband because HE is the head of his family me and my husband are seen as the “power couple” they follow what we do, we don’t submit to them but your BF is the not the head he is governed by his parents

Good luck 🤞

Fwiw I have wonderful in laws who strive to let me lead how I want my children to be raised, giving gentle advice on occasion. It can still be a little strained.

If you have children, whatever his parents think best will be the only way and you'll be vilified by him and his parents for disagreeing.

You've got plenty of time to find someone that will put you first, like it should be.

[quote tinx]@Anonymous0320

He might try to pull you back in, you’ll think he’s going to commit give you some shit excuses you’ll accept it because you think he loves you and stay with him ….

THEN he will leave you when his parents get him engaged to an Albanian girl without a second thought - I’ve seen it it’s absolute truth that I’m telling you I promise

Be good to yourself and find someone who shares your own values/mentality/ etc

He is one of these boys that follow the rules of mummy and daddy

It was different with my husband because HE is the head of his family me and my husband are seen as the “power couple” they follow what we do, we don’t submit to them but your BF is the not the head he is governed by his parents

Good luck 🤞[/quote]
Needed to hear that i think, he worships his mum to put it simply i cant compete. Its funny tho because we shared gifts throughout the years and his parents arent deeply traditional and are fine with me being russian, but he doesnt make it clear what the future is, its either that he is lying about what he tells me or its just convenient to string me along🤷🏻‍♀️

PP are right, it’ll be inconvenient to lose you so he’ll try to throw you a few crumbs, be ready for it so you can dismiss it.
I’d expect offering to introduce you another cousin or some other family member, pleading for more time and asking why you’re suddenly being so needy after all this time, accusing you of nagging etc
Or he could have been expecting you to wake up to his BS at some point and just walk away. Just be ready for the bullshit and see it for what it is because he’ll either know what you want to hear or he’ll know that you have low self-esteem and play on that.

How are you @Anonymous0320 ? Did you have the talk?

@Anonymous0320

My partner is from Albania for context, not sire if anyone can shed light on their experiences with Albanian people

My advice would be run, not walk, away. He sounds awful and you can find so much better. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has another family tucked away somewhere.

After hearing all of that, I'd dump his ass, even if he asked me to marry him tomorrow!

No way would I accept any of his BS.
I can't tell you what to do @OP, but, definitely dump him now !!!
Drop him fast, he's a steaming dog turd for a potential partner.
Your life would be miserable.

You are 24, life is too short, don't put up with this shit on the basis that you have had bad relationships in your teen years. Get rid, these next few years are those where you really come in to your own, don't do it with someone who clearly does not consider you a priority and has clearly told you that his values and life plans mean you will never come first for him.