Page 6 | 13 year Old

miki14 · 2022-02-14T22:28:08+00:00

If you took your 13 year Old daughter and her friend - same age - to a resort of some kind, for a few days, and went to the movies, within the resort: would you notice (and react) if one of the girls went missing for almost 2 hours? (Long movie) or is she Old enough to handle whatever the reason for her leaving the movie (Cinema?) for almost 2 hours?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 06:34

She has anxiety and panic attacks though, so needs a bit of additional support compared to a typical 13 year old.

But the point people are making is that leaving two 13yo's alone in the cinema is totally normal and not a sign of bad parenting.

If you know your child suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, is it really a sensible idea to let them go away on holiday 200 miles from home with someone you barely know?

UserWithNoUserName · 15/02/2022 07:53

@miki14

My daughter was the one going with her friend and her father to a resort for 2 nights. Starting today. They went to Cinema , within resort. My daughter had a panic attack and left the Cinema, went outside to Call me. I could not reach the father , or the friend, by phone. My daughter sat there, for more than 2 hours before movie was done and they found her there. She is Ok, had her on phone the Hole time, but i am about to start World War 3 and not sure if i am over reacting.

I'd be furious if they finished the film before looking for her. I would be looking for an adult, let alone a child, after about 10-15 minutes if they didn't come back!

UserWithNoUserName · 15/02/2022 07:55

I really don't think the friends dad was being unreasonable. It's normal for two 13yos to be able to go to the cinema unaccompanied - in fact I'd have been utterly mortified if my dad decided he had to come and sit with us

Maybe he wanted to see it too? I don't think it's that unusual, TBH. And honestly, if any of my fully grown adult friends disappeared from the cinema mid-film, I'd be looking for them too- age irrelevant.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 08:01

@UserWithNoUserName

I really don't think the friends dad was being unreasonable. It's normal for two 13yos to be able to go to the cinema unaccompanied - in fact I'd have been utterly mortified if my dad decided he had to come and sit with us

Maybe he wanted to see it too? I don't think it's that unusual, TBH. And honestly, if any of my fully grown adult friends disappeared from the cinema mid-film, I'd be looking for them too- age irrelevant.

But the dad wanting to see it too doesn't negate the fact that it's totally normal to send two 13yos into a film on their own.

So if your 13yo suffers from such bad anxiety that they get regular panic attacks, it's probably not a good idea to send her 200 miles away with a relative stranger who probably doesn't really understand her condition like you do as a parent.

I suspect the dad thought they were old enough and capable enough to see a film unattended without him needing to be permanently on-call, which really isn't an unreasonable expectation.

EmpathyBypass · 15/02/2022 08:04

@PonyPatter44

You are overreacting. Your daughter was out of order wandering off without telling her friend. As a parent I would assume that 13 year old could sit in the cinema and watch a film without having to be watched every moment.

Perhaps your DD isn't ready to be going away from.home without you if this is how she behaves.

Wow

NeedAHoliday2021 · 15/02/2022 08:12

What a surprise. Op “aibu” everyone “yes” op “but my Dd is more special than all you with 13 yos”

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2022 08:16

I don't really think it's fair to blame the father or label him 'not capable'. Nor to blame a 13 year old for not alerting him - they won't have properly understood what was going on.

Is there some kind of card that people experiencing panic attacks can hand to members of staff/trusted personnel at venues to explain what is happening and that they need help?

HaveringWavering · 15/02/2022 08:17

What on earth were you talking to her about for two hours?

AlexaShutUp · 15/02/2022 08:17

It doesn't sound like she was ready for a trip like this, OP. Never mind, she's OK so no harm done.

bangaverage · 15/02/2022 08:18

@PonyPatter44

You are overreacting. Your daughter was out of order wandering off without telling her friend. As a parent I would assume that 13 year old could sit in the cinema and watch a film without having to be watched every moment.

Perhaps your DD isn't ready to be going away from.home without you if this is how she behaves.

This. She's 13 not 3. If she can't cope for a couple of hours without nannying something is wrong.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/02/2022 08:26

Honestly? My 13 year olds have taken themselves to the cinema by train. They have been told to switch phoned off in the film so wouldn't expect to hear from them until they were on the train home.

Satingreenshutters · 15/02/2022 08:41

You are WAY WAY WAY unreasonable. She is 13! Christ Almighty, the father didn't see her leave. Why on earth would you let her go if she cannot cope and expect a stranger to understand her needs? Branding him not capable is not fair. Your daughter is not capable of doing a big trip like that without you and you should know this. Stop blaming other people.

bangaverage · 15/02/2022 08:45

I wonder if her level of anxiety might be connected with yours? 13 year olds spending time on their own is very normal and part of growing up and gaining some independence. I was babysitting other people's kids for money for hours at a time at that age.

NotAnotherLurker · 15/02/2022 08:48

I wouldn’t be too hard on the Dad as I’d let two 13 year olds go to the cinema on their own, I certainly wouldn’t expect to keep a close eye on them unless there is a history of walking out. The friend could have checked on her but I’m afraid I think your daughter needed to alert the friend on her way out that she felt really unwell. The friend was presumably waiting for her to come back . It’s not a straightforward one really. I presume your daughter will be going places on her own from 13 on and if she gets panic attacks in particular situations she needs to prepare for that by organising support or telling those around her if at all possible

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/02/2022 08:50

I suspect the Dad going and sitting elsewhere was a compromise not of his choosing and he slept soundly throughout the film.

waterrat · 15/02/2022 08:56

I think this is an interesting example of over protecting young people and also expecting people to be available constantly etc on phones.

I do understand as I have an anxious child but thr duration of a film is a reasonable time that a girl of this age could sit and wait ..especially as she had you on the phone and was in a perfectly safe place.

At that age lots of young people go to cinema or to the park etc or across town with friends and there isn't always an adult on immediate tap. When I grew up we were out at this age without phones.

We need to teach young people resilience. Rather than panic with her tell her they will be out when the film finishes and if she needs medical help she has to find it herself.

If she is so anxious she needs constant supervision then the dad should have been told thst.

Staffy1 · 15/02/2022 08:56

@FireMeetGasoline

I'm more shocked that people on this thread are blaming the 13 year old friend. Yes, adults bkaming the THIRTEEN year old friend!! What a set of dickheads you are. How is a 13 year old capable of understanding a panic attack when the majority of adults don't even know what that looks like?

What? Wouldn’t you have gone outside to find your friend if they disappeared for ages at the cinema when you were 13? The friend might not even have known she had had a panic attack by then, just that she was AWOL, Most kids would, unless like a PP said, she was fed up of this happening at this stage.

bangaverage · 15/02/2022 09:03

@waterrat

I think this is an interesting example of over protecting young people and also expecting people to be available constantly etc on phones.

I do understand as I have an anxious child but thr duration of a film is a reasonable time that a girl of this age could sit and wait ..especially as she had you on the phone and was in a perfectly safe place.

At that age lots of young people go to cinema or to the park etc or across town with friends and there isn't always an adult on immediate tap. When I grew up we were out at this age without phones.

We need to teach young people resilience. Rather than panic with her tell her they will be out when the film finishes and if she needs medical help she has to find it herself.

If she is so anxious she needs constant supervision then the dad should have been told thst.

I agree with all of this. You've put it much better than me.

lavenderandpillows · 15/02/2022 09:08

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Goldenbear · 15/02/2022 09:15

Do you think the Dad would have offered to take your DD on holiday if he knew the level of care required was quite intense- did he have the full picture?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2022 09:15

I don’t think I’d start ww3. I think I might have a quiet work about her anxiety and how she needs a bit more looking out for than the average 13 yo.

In general I think 13 yos being alone in the cinema is a problem, nor the dad not noticing she’d left. I’d hope that my 13 yo would have alerted a member of staff to go in and get him in those circumstances, or that there would be staff who’d notice her sitting there. Or a close friend would have alerted the dad usually when she didn’t come back.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2022 09:23

Ps I think your conclusion of “not letting it happen again” might not be the right one. I wouldn’t stop her going away again. I’d just try to practice more coping systems etc.

My 13 yo has anxiety too - it’s quite common these days sadly

MoniJitchell · 15/02/2022 09:25

@Abouttoblow

I think it's probably best not to allow your daughter to go away without you while her anxiety is on-going. I don't think anyone is at fault here but it's too big a responsibility for your daughter and an unfair expectation on a friend's parent. Best to address the anxiety before she's in that situation again.

This 100%.

Gowithme · 15/02/2022 09:30

I think the biggest question is what help is she getting for the panic attacks? It sounds like an awful thing to have to deal with at 13.

You do realise that by going crazy at the father all you're going to do is ensure that he/his daughter never invites your daughter anywhere again? Maybe you wouldn't want her to go anyway right now or she wouldn't want to herself but IMO it would be better to concentrate on her, on how best she can handle things in the future if something similar was to happen again.

You want to reduce her anxiety and enable her to cope, yelling at the dad won't facilitate that. Tell her what a great job she did, how getting some air probably really helped with the panic attack, how waiting just outside and not going far was very sensible, how staying where she would see them coming out was the right thing to do.

But what could she do differently next time? she could say to her friend 'I'm having a panic attack can you find you dad and let him know, I'll be right outside getting some air'. Or she could find him on her way out and tell him what she is doing. She could go back in once the panic attack is over or just wait outside if that feels better. She could ask one of them to accompany her or ask if they could all leave together now.

I think you should focus on 'nothing bad happened', 'she handled her panic attack very well' and 'what could she do next time' - be positive. You won't be helping her anxiety otherwise.

Goldenbear · 15/02/2022 09:34

I agree with above and presumably as a young teen she is just going to start to go out more and more in the years ahead without supervision so there needs to be a strategy to mitigate the risks otherwise you won't be able to really allow that Independence as it it will be dangerous.