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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year Old

170 replies

miki14 · 14/02/2022 22:28

If you took your 13 year Old daughter and her friend - same age - to a resort of some kind, for a few days, and went to the movies, within the resort: would you notice (and react) if one of the girls went missing for almost 2 hours? (Long movie) or is she Old enough to handle whatever the reason for her leaving the movie (Cinema?) for almost 2 hours?

OP posts:
Spudyoulikeit · 14/02/2022 22:54

I’m not sure to be honest. I used to go to the cinema with friends at that age with no parental supervision. She should have told her friend how she was feeling and similarly the friend should have gone to look for her. Not sure it’s the dads fault.

BurntO · 14/02/2022 22:58

Seems like I’m the minority but at 13 id trust they’d be sufficient alone for an hour or two… weird that the friend didn’t follow them though. Most 13 year olds I know are bussing it all over on a weekend and plan their days independently

VariationsonaTheme · 14/02/2022 23:00

I’m not sure. My kids went to the cinema on their own at 13.

Rivering · 14/02/2022 23:00

Maybe the friend didn’t want to leave her seat because she thought your daughter might return and they’d not find eachother,

maybe friend and daughter had a falling out and daughter isn’t telling you the truth,

maybe dad should have kept a better eye on both girls.

Don’t box anyone’s ears until you’ve got to the whole truth. And be sure to tell daughter she did the right thing by staying put outside, but she could also speak to a member of staff next time she’s in this situation and they will locate dad for her.

Fizzingmad · 14/02/2022 23:00

I wouldn’t go mad at the dad - if he didn’t know she had left how is he at fault? 2 13 year olds should be able to go to cinema without any parental supervision

silkience · 14/02/2022 23:01

Ok world war 3 is totally over the top

My daughter has anxiety and at that age would have panic attacks around once a week. If she were going away with a friend to a resort for two nights I would be having those discussions in detail before we left, and making sure the hosting family were well briefed

If the dad was in there but not able to see them presumably this was to give them some space/ independence. 13 yr old don't need watching at the cinema!

She left, told her friend she felt unwell. It's odd that her friend didn't check on her (unless she thought she'd give back to the room) but absolutely no reason to go "apoplectic" with the parent

cuno · 14/02/2022 23:04

Sorry just saw that the dad was sitting elsewhere with them not in sight. I don't think you should go in guns blazing with this. I used to go to the cinema with friends without adult supervision at that age, but I read your post thinking the dad was sat next to his daughter and yours and naturally saw your daughter leave, obviously in that situation you would think to go check before the 2 hours, I'd be wondering wtf no matter the age and go check. But sounds like he wasn't aware, and so I think your daughter's friend was more than capable of letting her dad know when she'd already been gone longer than expected, or she could have popped her head out herself to see where your daughter was.

Original poster
miki14 · 14/02/2022 23:05

Ok i might be over protective.. i could not reach the dad - or the Cinema or the resort itself - daughter is Ok.. i would just watch the kids in my care.. Got a text later "sorry, didnt see you text, Got her now, all good" thats it..

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 14/02/2022 23:08

If you feel that you have to watch 13 year olds at all times then that may have something to do with why your DD is anxious.

Thesearmsofmine · 14/02/2022 23:09

I don’t think the dad has done anything wrong. At 13 I wouldn’t have gone with them at all, he didn’t know she had left and of course he wasn’t answering his phone when he was in the cinema.

OkPedro · 14/02/2022 23:11

Or maybe the ops daughter has anxiety and panic attacks and that's why she worries about her daughter 🙄

mummykel16 · 14/02/2022 23:12

@miki14

My daughter was the one going with her friend and her father to a resort for 2 nights. Starting today. They went to Cinema , within resort. My daughter had a panic attack and left the Cinema, went outside to Call me. I could not reach the father , or the friend, by phone. My daughter sat there, for more than 2 hours before movie was done and they found her there. She is Ok, had her on phone the Hole time, but i am about to start World War 3 and not sure if i am over reacting.
You Couldn't over react to this without killing someone
silkience · 14/02/2022 23:13

Ok i might be over protective.. i could not reach the dad - or the Cinema or the resort itself - daughter is Ok.. i would just watch the kids in my care.. Got a text later "sorry, didnt see you text, Got her now, all good" thats it

Op with respect, I do think that is enough for him to say ...... You shouldn't be watching 13 year olds in your care all the time, they need to learn resilience and independence

Original poster
miki14 · 14/02/2022 23:14

Or maybe the ops daughter has anxiety and panic attacks and that's why she worries about her daughter 🙄

  • thank you.. dad know this..
OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 23:16

I wouldn't have let her go away with friends father in the first place

BurntO · 14/02/2022 23:17

But the dad wasn’t sitting with them? No? How would he have have known?

I’d calm down and prepare for a chat with your daughter about how to deal with these situations. As she gets older she will be exposed to more scenarios where she will be expected to be self sufficient for longer periods of time and in places where there aren’t always adults constantly watching her specifically for such events.

Bigbus · 14/02/2022 23:18

It depends on the resort. We go to Butlins a lot and I feel it’s safe there for a 13 year old. Also if your daughter is texting you whenever there is a problem instead of getting the adult who is looking after her to help, then it’s very difficult for that adult to be in charge. It’s undermining him if her first resort is to text you and that makes her more unsafe than sitting outside a cinema on her own. I say this with some understanding and sympathy because my older daughter has panic attacks and then tends to call me even if she’s not with me l, and it really doesn’t work. I can’t help her because I’m not there and it makes me anxious and doesn’t let the adult who is there have a chance to manage the situation.

Elieza · 14/02/2022 23:21

It would be very difficult for the dad to know the child had left the cinema if he couldn’t see her as he was seated elsewhere.

It would have been better if he was sat towards the back on the aisle so the girls would have needed to pass right by him if they left.

Perhaps in the darkness the friend couldn’t find her father to tell him your daughter was unwell. Or didn’t notice how much time had lapsed. Or didn’t fully appreciate the situation.

We’re they aware that your daughter takes panic attacks? Was she too scared to go back in because the film was the cause of the panic attack, was the film was unsuitable for her age?

AFS1 · 14/02/2022 23:21

If your daughter suffers so much from anxiety that she can’t stay in a cinema with her friend, you shouldn’t be letting her go away without you there to supervise and support her.

My daughter has a friend who has daily panic attacks. The friendship group has learnt that it’s better to leave her to calm down in her own time than flock around her. Perhaps your daughter’s friend was doing the same. Either way, it’s not WWIII and the father is not at fault.

Original poster
miki14 · 14/02/2022 23:22

She could not reach the dad, or the friend.
And she could not handle going back.

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 14/02/2022 23:24

Usually people go ott when they are trusted to look after someone else's child, it's odd to me that the dad couldn't even be arsed to keep them in sight.

cherrysthename · 14/02/2022 23:24

I'm sorry I can understand you're shaken up by this, but the dad didn't know anything out of the ordinary had happened. He had no reason not to assume she was not sat watching the film. Unless she had mentioned something in the lead up to the anxiety attack? In which case he should have kept an eye out.

Pinkyxx · 14/02/2022 23:25

My DD is 13 and I let her go to the cinema with a friend however I trust her and her friend to look out for each other. I'd expect a text if something was off - i.e. one of them didn't feel well etc. I'd be cross with the friend for not checking on her for 2 hours..

That said, understanding your DD is prone to panic attacks I get your anxiety. If I had been in the cinema with them, I can't imagine not noticing / checking.. Giving the Dad the benefit of the doubt, did you explain to the Dad and discuss how to handle any panic attacks if they happened, including that she needs closer monitoring? If not, this may be a good idea next time. Different people respond differently to these types of situations.

I'd also say it's really important you put some responsibility on your daughter to act responsibly and manage herself - within reason. May sound harsh, but it's part of learning to manage her emotions and ultimately helping herself. My daughter has had anxiety issues and while my instinct was to try and take it all away, this left no reason for her to develop her own coping skills. Putting the onus on her to manage her feelings and ask for her when she needs it, rather than expect others to, has helped her start to face anxiety provoking situations better. It's a fine balance and a tough one to manage.

cherrysthename · 14/02/2022 23:25

No reason to assume*

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2022 23:26

Upsetting situation but yabu to be cross. Dad was sat elsewhere on cinema and totally normal not to have phone on. Even having a panic attack your dd should have told her dad she was leaving or told her friend to tell her dad or even get a member of cinema staff to get her dad. Slightly ridiculous for her to call you and not get her parent who was actually on the cinema