13 year Old

[miki14]

If you took your 13 year Old daughter and her friend - same age - to a resort of some kind, for a few days, and went to the movies, within the resort: would you notice (and react) if one of the girls went missing for almost 2 hours? (Long movie) or is she Old enough to handle whatever the reason for her leaving the movie (Cinema?) for almost 2 hours?

My daughter has anxiety so I get why you were concerned but I often leave teens in cinemas to give them some space. Plus parents of children with anxiety understand it - but I can see why parents whose children don’t have anxiety would not. I would be more concerned about her friend who knew she left but didn’t follow her or ring to check ok or alert her dad.

I wouldn't let any of my DCs stay away with someone that I don't know and that they have only met a few times.
I also have a DC with anxiety, if they called me to say they were sitting outside a cinema for 2 hours and couldn't tell the adult they were with, then I would think I'd misjudged their capability level.

@Snoozer11

You keep saying he knows your daughter has anxiety. But what does this even mean? What do you expect him to do differently?

Your daughter knew where her friend and her friend's father was. If she couldn't face going back in, you should have told her to sit in an open area outside the screen, where staff can see her and wait for the film to finish. That's all it takes.

Absolutely no need for you to be trying to contact the cinema or resort or friend's father with anything other than a text telling him that your daughter is waiting outside which he'll see once the film is over.

I'm not sure what you expected the staff to do. At 13, they're old enough to not be watched 24/7.

I'd reconsider allowing her to go away with friends again in future.

Agree with this. I do think you overreacted.

I misjudged him. He was not capable. She is Ok and i wont let this happened again.

I don’t think you can really blame the dad as ‘not capable.’ He’s definitely capable of watching two 13 year olds. He obviously misjudged (or maybe you miscommunicated) the level of care your daughter needs. Most parents would expect two 13 year olds to be fine alone at a cinema screening. My 11 year old frequently goes with his friends.

Yabu.
Ww3?
Overreacting massively.

She wondered off. Didn't tell the adult.

13 year olds are fine in the cinema. They dont need to be watched and supervised. She left and contacted another adult.

Absolutely no need for you to be trying to contact the cinema or resort or friend's father with anything other than a text telling him that your daughter is waiting outside which he'll see once the film is over.

Yes agree with this too.

YABU - your DD may have anxiety but that does not make her blameless in what happened.

I have anxiety, was diagnosed at 15 and have been medicated for over half of my life to keep it under control so I know how terrifying panic attacks can be, but I also know that you are not absolved of any responsibility whatsoever to manage it.

My DD is 12 and I have taken her and a friend away for the weekend to CentreParks which looks like it is the closest thing to LaLandia in the UK. If her friend had anxiety then I would expect her friends parents to give me the important information about her anxiety - does she have any known, specific triggers? Are there warning signs to watch for? Does she take medication? Does she get panic attacks? How much supervision doss she require? What grounding techniques does she use? Etc - before we left.

How much/little freedom I then gave the girls would vary depending on the information I received. If I was just told "Jane gets anxious" then I'd be on the look out for any signs of being homesick but I would assume the child was alright to go to the cinema with DD. If however I was told "Jane has anxiety and occasionally has panic attacks" then I would be watching them much closer, or at the very least I would instruct both girls that if Jane feels unwell or thinks she may be having a panic attack then one of them must come and tell me ASAP.

So in this case, I would have probably done as the dad did and allow DD and her friend to sit together and then sit separately so I was there but they could have their independence. Unless the cinema was practically empty then, once the lights go down and the film starts, it could be quite easy to miss Jane leaving the screen, or assume she is nipping to the loo and then lose track of how long she has been gone and assume she must have come back in while you were watching the movie.

Once your DD got out of the screen then she should have assumed his phone would be off/on silent and, if she couldn't go back in, left a message for the friends dad to say "I'm not feeling well, I will meet you in the lobby after the film". When she rang you, and once she had calmed down, you should have encouraged her to try and approach a staff member - even if she then just put you on speakerphone to explain the situation - so that they could have gone into the screen and let the friend's dad know what had happened and where DD was.

I'm more shocked that people on this thread are blaming the 13 year old friend. Yes, adults bkaming the THIRTEEN year old friend!! What a set of dickheads you are. How is a 13 year old capable of understanding a panic attack when the majority of adults don't even know what that looks like?

@Hellocatshome you are a bit of a twat then. You'd blame the 13 year old friend over the 'responsible' adult? I hope you don't have access to children, or cats

I think it's probably best not to allow your daughter to go away without you while her anxiety is on-going. I don't think anyone is at fault here but it's too big a responsibility for your daughter and an unfair expectation on a friend's parent. Best to address the anxiety before she's in that situation again.

So many issues here.

When you say he knows she has anxiety, does he understand how it manifests? Would he even think that she could need to leave cinema and not come back?

My son has extreme anxiety, but often no one would know, because he doesn't have "attacks" where all reasoning goes out of their brains. It depends on whether they're a freeze or flight sort of person.

Meanwhile, I do think your reaction is OTT, and I say that as someone who spends most of her life having to suppress her inner helicopter.

Spending a day with your daughter's friend, or seeing her at home when she comes to visit is clearly not the same as going away for a couple of days and being in loco parentis.

Did you have a chat with him about potential situations? That would be the least I would expect in terms of managing expectations, and situations.

At least now you know that in your absence your daughter needs a plan b and c for if she needs to exit fast.

The WORST thing you can now do is say she will never be allowed away again.

The dad is irritating because, from very little info, he seems to have no clue as to what is involved. Even down to his text, a reasonable parent might say "sorry I didn't see this, and didn't see her leave. But she's safe now, and will keep a close eye" rather than minimising. Maybe it's not minimising if he truly doesn't get it.

I DO understand your alarm, but I truly hope your daughter has no inkling of your outrage or panic, because if she does, then you need to look at your coping mechanisms too.

If you've just vented on MN, all good.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone else to care for her if her anxiety is that bad. Most teens are quite independent and don’t need watching 24/7.

@miki14

Dad apparently sat somewhere else, didnt see her leaving. Dont know why her friend didnt react.. daughter told friend she wasnt feeling Well and left. yes she has anxiety and he know this. Ok to not sitting together - nut sit somewhere you cam see Them!! I am so angry.. and dissapointed.. and my daughter handled it Well. When her phone lost power, she borrowed a phone to Update me. She is with Them now, all Ok. But i am angry with the dad and dont know how not to rip his head off when i see him

This changes things significantly. He wasn't sitting with them. I understand you're upset about what happened but 13 year olds are absolutely old enough to be going to the movies by themselves so I don't think the dad is in the wrong here at all.

I went to movies on my own entirely with friends at that age. If I sat separately from parents they would not have kept an eye on me. It’s normal to have your phone off during a film and very bad manners to check it. I kind of understand why you’re annoyed but I think you’re seriously babying your child.

If I took my 13 year old kids to a resort like that I would let them head off without me (assuming they were happy with that - which they always are) and do most of the activities on their own (though not the pool). I would not have gone into the cinema with them. They would have my phone number and know where I would be so if the phone didn't work they could come and get me. And I would expect to know where they were heading and have a check in time every few hours (depending on what they were doing. I would wander past wherever they were supposed to be occasionally.

In the situation you describe, OP, I wouldn't expect my 13 year olds to be under the eye of the adult at all times.

One of my kids has anxiety and sometimes when under pressure finds it hard to make decisions and frequently fails to see the obvious solution. But the thing we've found most helpful to counter this is giving them plenty of indepence in limited environments - like a resort - with no pressure.

But I wouldn't know what extra supervision a kid who had "panic attacks" would need. I wouldn't recognise a panic attack. I'd probably be extra careful in asking them and double checking in advance if they were happy to do whatever was on the table and to check in carefully and give them an out if plans changed. It wouldn't occur to me it would mean constant supervision was required and they couldn't be relied upon to inform me they were leaving a venue unless that was spelled out to me.

You would be absolutely ridiculous if you started 'world war 3' with a family that were kind enough to take your daughter away for the weekend. As someone else said it's totally unreasonable to expect someone else to take on so much responsibility for a child who supposedly needs so much more supervision. He wasn't sitting near them - he maybe didn't have a choice? You can't always get 3 seats together and the seat he did book may have been the only one available so it's unreasonable to expect him to 'sit where he could watch them like a hawk for the entire film.
I would also have been really annoyed with someone checking their phone in the cinema. The light is so distracting and I always tell them to put it away/turn it off.
You are so out of order for your reaction here and I disagree with your opinion that she 'handled the situation really well.'

Many 13 year olds get dropped off at the cinema by themselves. I do think you are overreacting. At what age would you feel it reasonable to let her go to a movie without an adult hovering immediately over them.

I don't think her dad did anything wrong. She is 13, not 5. She let her friend know she wasn't well and was leaving the theatre. I might expect her friend to check up on her or to let her dad know that your DD didn't come back but given she didn't, I have no expectation that an adult watch a 13 year old at all times.

And it seems your daughter was able to handle the situation. She went out, stayed in one place, called you, and waited for her friend and her friend's dad. She could always have gone back in and updated her friend but chose not to.

If your daughter has anxiety/ panic attacks then really I would have thought dad should be sat with her, not elsewhere where he might not notice if she has one.

She also needs better strategies for coping with her anxiety. Not blaming her at all (dad was more at fault!), but, she should have asked her friend to go and tell her dad. It should have been discussed beforehand what she should do if she starts feeling a panic attack coming on, so there was a plan everyone knew.

@Happyhappyday

I went to movies on my own entirely with friends at that age. If I sat separately from parents they would not have kept an eye on me. It’s normal to have your phone off during a film and very bad manners to check it. I kind of understand why you’re annoyed but I think you’re seriously babying your child.

She has anxiety and panic attacks though, so needs a bit of additional support compared to a typical 13 year old.

Not her parent. Friend lives with mom, have met the dad a few times. He know Bout her anxiety. I assumed he sat somewhere he could see Them.

At 13? Yabu. If her anxiety is this bad, she doesn't sound ready to go away with others like this.

@cookiemonster2468

If your daughter has anxiety/ panic attacks then really I would have thought dad should be sat with her, not elsewhere where he might not notice if she has one.

She also needs better strategies for coping with her anxiety. Not blaming her at all (dad was more at fault!), but, she should have asked her friend to go and tell her dad. It should have been discussed beforehand what she should do if she starts feeling a panic attack coming on, so there was a plan everyone knew.

But panic attacks or no, surely a 13 year old can't be supervised every waking minute of the day?

I ised to go into town with mates at 13 for movies/shopping etc.

he didn’t know she had left the building and of course he wasn’t contactable he was in a movie with his phone off or on silent. Her friend probably just didn’t know what to do. How long was this movie? She must have left right at the beginning if she was alone for 2 hours

Honestly, I feel for your DD but no-one is to blame here but I don’t think your DD is ready to go away without you yet.

At thirteen I would take the train to the nearest big town and spend the day shopping with friends. The only involvement my parents would have is picking me up at the station or from a friends' house afterwards.

I really don't think the friends dad was being unreasonable. It's normal for two 13yos to be able to go to the cinema unaccompanied - in fact I'd have been utterly mortified if my dad decided he had to come and sit with us

If your DD'a anxiety is really that bad then she shouldn't be going away with friends like that.