13 year Old

[miki14]

If you took your 13 year Old daughter and her friend - same age - to a resort of some kind, for a few days, and went to the movies, within the resort: would you notice (and react) if one of the girls went missing for almost 2 hours? (Long movie) or is she Old enough to handle whatever the reason for her leaving the movie (Cinema?) for almost 2 hours?

Truthfully, I think getting overprotective reinforces panic attacks. So her taking herself off to calm down was good. I would be praising her for handling it well.

Still not her dad.. 😖

So you don't let her go to the cinema without parental supervision, but let her go to a resort 200 miles away with someone's dad you met a few times?! Wow. It's not the dad you should be mad at but yourself for letting her go

@miki14 "Still not her dad.."

What does this mean? You said she was with her friend's dad

Please be aware that over protectiveness can reinforce anxiety.

She went with a friend she has known many years. She lives with her mom, i know her. My daughter has met dad. Few times, they have done stuff for a Day.
Everybody know my daughters anxiety.
My daughter wanted to go. I let her. She panicked, Called me, all good. Just pissed of about dad, sitting in Cinema, didnt have a clue that one of the girls was "missing " as in left Two hours ago. Daughter sat outside, talking to me, handled it Well - bit the dad was absent and hadent Got a clue. Really, my fault??

YABU @miki14. If your daughter finds it difficult to communicate with her friends and their parents, then she shouldn't be going away with them.

It depends on the resort. I'm assuming you mean Butlins, in which case, no I wouldn't be worried. It's a family friendly, safe venue. If I took teenagers there then I would expect them to be responsible enough to look after themselves there for a couple of hours if they didn't want to watch the film/show/entertainment.

But she wasn't really missing. She handled it well. Everything is okay.

@LorelaiDeservedBetter

Over-protective is the last thing I think you are - you let your 13-yr-old DD (who suffers with anxiety) go away for a few days with a man you hardly know.

And then when she called you, you didn't help her to manage the situation so she wasn't outside on her own for 2 hours.

Exactly this!

Spot on

You keep saying he knows your daughter has anxiety. But what does this even mean? What do you expect him to do differently?

Your daughter knew where her friend and her friend's father was. If she couldn't face going back in, you should have told her to sit in an open area outside the screen, where staff can see her and wait for the film to finish. That's all it takes.

Absolutely no need for you to be trying to contact the cinema or resort or friend's father with anything other than a text telling him that your daughter is waiting outside which he'll see once the film is over.

I'm not sure what you expected the staff to do. At 13, they're old enough to not be watched 24/7.

I'd reconsider allowing her to go away with friends again in future.

I don't think the dad is to blame - I wouldn't expect a 13yo to leave during film without saying anything. Her friend should really have sought out her dad to let him know, but she wasn't 'missing' – he had no way of knowing she had gone anywhere.

I also think that knowing she is anxious and knowing to what extent/what that means are two different things. It sounds like he wasn't aware that she could suddenly disappear for two hours. He is now.

I think at most I would make sure your DD knows to alert staff or something if it happens again so they can find him.

I meant overprotective in her reaction to what happened.
The daughter managed it well. She was panicky so went outside and phoned her mum. That was handling it really well and she should be praised.

I think it would be unfair to have a go at the dad. At 13, children can go to the cinema alone. Of course you couldn't contact the dad by phone in the cinema - people are expressly told to switch their phones off!

Your dd should have told her friend why she was going out, so that her friend could have gone to tell the dad. They could all have left the cinema together.

I think it might be best not to allow your dd out without you until you know she won't put herself, or other people, in danger/trouble again. The dad is probably a bit horrified but trying to keep calm in his text to you.

I'd expect two thirteen year olds to be able to go to the cinema by themselves- I wouldn't expect the dad to be with them - just to meet them outside/afterwards - possibly with some instructions as to what to do if it finished early etc (eg wait for me here etc) - the dad actually being in the cinema with them seems unnecessary .
That said i have no idea what you told the dad re your 13 year olds propensity for panic attacks/special instructions etc - if you had explained/he hadn't agreed then YABU

Honestly if it was my own 13 year old, I wouldn't expect the others on holiday to drop everything and walk out and miss the whole film to pander to her walking out.

I don’t think the father is to blame for this. I would think two 13 year olds in the cinema together should be fine. Bit odd that the friend didn’t go out to look for her though, or find her father and let him know she had been out for ages.

A 13 yo in a cinema should be fine - even alone. He was not sitting with them but was there, it was up to your dd to make him aware there was an issue. If her anxiety is so bad she is rendered unable to take these small steps in a moment of crisis then I’m not sure you should be letting her go away or out with anyone other than yourself. Sorry, you’re obviously upset but I do think you are not being reasonable.

I'm confused.

Her mental health is so poor that she needs to be watched carefully like a much younger child but you allowed her to go away so you couldn't watch her closely? That's an unusual decision to make.

I think Dad staying for the film is more supervision than 13 year olds typically experience. They are usually dropped off with some money and collected later.

If you're going to be annoyed then her friend has behaved poorly. Children should know when you're out and about as a group of kids whether it's the cinema or walking to school, you need to look out for each other. Her friend should have found her dad when your dd didn't return after say 10 mins.

I don't think that the dad is in the wrong here. People will have their phones on Do Not Disturb because that's basic manners and depending on where he was sitting, he might not have been able to see the girls, never mind your dd leaving.

staffy1 tbh knowing how all consuming dealing with another persons anxiety can be I can well imagine a 13 yr old may have had enough of her friend by that point.😬

The Op shouldn't have allowed her to go or should have gone with them. It's a lot to deal with.

She's only 13. He should have kept an eye out for her. In my mind, you have a bigger responsibility for children that aren't yours in this type of scenario, as in, you know your own children, their behaviours, he didn't know hers. He is the responsible adult, end of. God forbid anything worse had happened! Thankfully all ended well.

Your DD is staying with someone you don't know and that doesn't know your DD well at all. I'm not sure which resort they're in but there are some where there will be lots of teens milling about. Having met your DD only a few times, her friend's dad might not even be able to recognise her in a crowd.
And either your DD handled it well by sitting outside or she was 'missing for 2 hours'. It can't be both. If she was happily sitting in the foyer then there's no need for any of this drama. If she was upset sitting in the foyer for 2 hours then you should have supported her to go back into the cinema and tell the dad. And if she couldn't do that, then she shouldn't be away without you yet. It's too much to ask of another parent.

So parents of teenagers with anxiety - we should not let our children out without us. We should not let Them want to go, not trust people (he is not a stranger, as in he is her friends dad) not have appetit for life, not try and fail. I dont agree.
Anyway it is Ok , she is Ok. There was no drama, i was just really disappointed that he didnt keep an eye on Them.
But i dont agree with "you should not let her..." im not saying anything to the dad but i wont let her go anytime soon.
It was Lalandia in Denmark.

But the dad didn't know she had left the cinema?! What was he supposed to do? Of course he is going to sit elsewhere in the cinema so the girls can feel like they're on their own. Tbh I wouldn't have even expected him to have gone to the movie anyway.

I am in Denmark too.. i didnt let her go to another country. Just the other end of Denmark. She has visa, she has phone. And she was Ok. I was just upset he didnt keep an eye on Them.