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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year Old

170 replies

miki14 · 14/02/2022 22:28

If you took your 13 year Old daughter and her friend - same age - to a resort of some kind, for a few days, and went to the movies, within the resort: would you notice (and react) if one of the girls went missing for almost 2 hours? (Long movie) or is she Old enough to handle whatever the reason for her leaving the movie (Cinema?) for almost 2 hours?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/02/2022 23:28

Your dd could have even taken her phone and let you speak to a member of the cinema staff.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 23:29

If the dad was aware she’d left and done nothing I’d be pissed off but in this scenario, he wasn’t sat with them. After school today (3pm) my Dd (13) walked into town with friends to have ice cream and crepes and called for me to collect at 5.30pm. Obviously I “knew” who she was with but only because she told me and checked it was okay. She was unsupervised by adults for 2.5 hours. With that context and the fact her dad didn’t deliberately do nothing, I don’t think it’s a big thing and would focus on supporting you dd with her panic attacks. Swing you cross with her dad and criticising him won’t achieve that.

Original poster
miki14 · 14/02/2022 23:29

Not her parent. Friend lives with mom, have met the dad a few times. He know Bout her anxiety. I assumed he sat somewhere he could see Them.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 14/02/2022 23:31

This is a hard one. At 13, I would expect two girls to be able to sit during a movie, and wouldn't have necessarily even gone in with them- definitely wouldn't had they been meeting up in the UK. Dad should have been contactable, but you're also supposed to have phones off during a movie. I wouldn't expect a 13 year old child to be able to handle my daughters MH issues, or be mature enough to know how to. Your daughter said she needed to leave, and she did. Friend is obviously too young to realise that needed escalated to her dad, and dad figured the girls were old enough at 13 to have a bit of freedom. I guess really just maybe learn your daughter isn't old enough to be away on holiday yet, but wouldn't go nuts.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 14/02/2022 23:33

@miki14

She could not reach the dad, or the friend. And she could not handle going back.
They were in a cinema, with phones either switched off or on silent. The dad really isn't at fault, he wasn't even sat with them. We were going to the cinema alone before 13. It wouldn't have occurred to any of our parents thag we needed to be supervised. He probably took the opportunity to close his eyes for a couple of hours.

Regarding the friend, it depends what was said when your dad left the cinema. If she said, I'm feeling a bit panicky, going to go and sit outside for a bit and get some fresh air, I can see why the friend wouldn't go out with her. When I used to have panic attacks, my friends knew not to come over to me as I needed space.

You also don't know the friend didn't stick her head out of the door, see your dad was on the phone to you so went back to her seat either. That's what I would have done if I was the friend.

bellsbuss · 14/02/2022 23:35

At 13 my older children were going to the cinema, shopping etc without me. I don't think the dad has done anything wrong as most parents wouldn't have gone into the cinema with their 13 year old child.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 23:35

So not her dad?

I’m taking Dd and two friends to the theatre on Friday… dropping them there with money for interval ice cream then picking up at the end. Wouldn’t occur to me that I’d need to watch them at age 13. You need to teach your dc coping mechanism that don’t put her in danger, like carrying cards she can hand to a member of staff to explain.

Letterasaurus · 14/02/2022 23:40

If I took my 13 yo daughter and her 13 yo friend away and took them to the cinema I would keep them in sight even if I sat away from them (which seems rather an odd thing to do anyway). I don't think the OP's reaction is unreasonable.

OnaBegonia · 14/02/2022 23:42

She couldn't reach them by phone because they were in an cinema
where their phones would be off/muted!!

WidowTwonky · 14/02/2022 23:42

I think the dad did nothing wrong. My son went with friends to the cinema for his 13th birthday and I met up with them outside at the end. I didn’t stay

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 23:42

@Letterasaurus yet I’d happily drop mine and her friends to a theatre alone. Wouldn’t occur to me they wouldn’t sit through the show at 13.

PJsAndRainyDays · 14/02/2022 23:43

I think if she couldn't face going back in then she should have told a member of staff and perhaps they could have informed the dad or friend what was going on?

I really don't think at 13 the dad should having to watch them at the cinema - plenty of kids that age go out and about on their own.

If her anxiety is this serious then I think you are being a bit unreasonable letting her go away with friends.

PJsAndRainyDays · 14/02/2022 23:45

Also if you were on the phone to your daughter why didn't you tell her to get a member of staff to help or get her to pass the phone to them so you could speak to the staff?

Ponoka7 · 14/02/2022 23:45

""I wouldn't expect a 13 year old child to be able to handle my daughters MH issues, or be mature enough to know how to. ""
I totally agree with that. My DD'S have all had friends etc who've had poor mental health and have at times been held too responsible at too young an age. The Dad obviously hasn't understood the extent of your DD's issues. But if he did, he might not have taken her. I'd concentrate on going through what happened again with your DD and giving her alternative scenarios on what she should have done because ultimately she has to handle and manage her MH.

Letterasaurus · 14/02/2022 23:47

I would have no qualms allowing 13 year old to go alone to the cinema at home, but if I was responsible for a 13 yo on holiday who was not my child I would certainly keep a far closer eye on them than I would otherwise - and I would expect that of a parent to be whom I entrusted my child.

SirenSays · 14/02/2022 23:48

I think it depends on what you told the dad beforehand. If you said something along the lines of My daughter has severe anxiety and must be watched at all times. Then you're absolutely not being unreasonable.
If that wasn't said, then I'm not sure ww3 is fair. I didn't go to the cinema with an adult past the age of 11. I wouldn't expect to have to watch two teenagers in case one unexpectedly left without saying a word to me.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 23:51

I would add, 13 is quite a transitional age and there’s a big difference imo between a year 8 (England school) 13yo and a year 9 one (my Dd is year 9 and I’m super chilled re her going out but might have been more anxious a year ago (lockdown removed that worry). I guess you need to work with Dd to assess how she can avoid being in unsafe situations and that may limit her independence for now.

Original poster
miki14 · 14/02/2022 23:52

Wow. Apparently i live in a very protective World. But again:

Dad know of her mental health challenges. They are 200 Miles from me. It was 21/22 at evening. Many people in resort. Lots of people drinking, partying.

It is not his child. But she was in his Care.

OP posts:
PJsAndRainyDays · 14/02/2022 23:52

@SirenSays

I think it depends on what you told the dad beforehand. If you said something along the lines of My daughter has severe anxiety and must be watched at all times. Then you're absolutely not being unreasonable. If that wasn't said, then I'm not sure ww3 is fair. I didn't go to the cinema with an adult past the age of 11. I wouldn't expect to have to watch two teenagers in case one unexpectedly left without saying a word to me.
I think if your child's anxiety is so severe that she has to be watched at all times it's a bit unfair to put that responsibility on another parent on holiday.
PJsAndRainyDays · 14/02/2022 23:55

@miki14

Wow. Apparently i live in a very protective World. But again:

Dad know of her mental health challenges. They are 200 Miles from me. It was 21/22 at evening. Many people in resort. Lots of people drinking, partying.

It is not his child. But she was in his Care.

She's 13 - why couldn't she alert staff?

Why did you let her go away alone if she panics and runs off?

You are her parent and you shouldn't have put her in this situation I really don't think you can go about blaming other people.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 23:57

@miki14 if the cinema behaviour is normal then were you explicit with the parent she’d need a higher level of being watched than I would for my 11yo twins? They would never walk out of a cinema without alerting me or the adult in charge so the fact you’re 13 yo did this should be your focus.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 15/02/2022 00:01

The dad isnt at fault. He was sat elsewhere.

The friend isnt at fault, she's a child and isn't responsible for your dd. Kids that age don't understand risks the same way as adults.

You however are at fault for allowing your dd to go when it's obvious she has a lot of issues going on right now that people outside of her family may not know how to deal with and may not be fully aware of.

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 15/02/2022 00:03

Over-protective is the last thing I think you are - you let your 13-yr-old DD (who suffers with anxiety) go away for a few days with a man you hardly know.

And then when she called you, you didn't help her to manage the situation so she wasn't outside on her own for 2 hours. Confused

BobbyBleu · 15/02/2022 00:05

I don't think you are overreacting but then I'm a person who experiences panic attacks and I feel sad that your daughter was on her own outside struggling with one. I hope she's ok.
I know that in the moment you don't feel well enough to start calmly finding your adult to let them know. She told her friend and she exited quickly.
Her friend probably should have told her dad or followed her after she didn't come back a few minutes later but then I guess her friend is also 13 and probably was too busy watching the film.
I wouldn't go crazy at the friend's dad but maybe you could mention it to him by sort of saying you had a panic because your daughter contacted you and said she had left the cinema on her own.

Silverswirl · 15/02/2022 00:13

I’m sorry but I think if your daughter is prone to panic attacks to this degree (and to such an extent that she isn’t able to alert the friend or adult she is with) then she shouldn’t be unsupervised at all.
The dad should have been sitting next to her or near her and watching her like a smaller child.
To give your daughter independence, she needs to be mature enough (even with a panic attack) to know what to do and that means dealing with the situation herself, alerting the adults or friend present (who should also be mature enough to know what to do) not to be phoning you who isn’t there to sort it out for her.
If she isn’t able to do that (and that totally fine if not) then she needs closer supervision.
If her dad isn’t able or can’t be trusted to do that then she should only be supervised by you.