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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“No gifts please”

146 replies

ViaRia · 14/02/2022 17:50

If you were invited to a family celebration - a full-on catered do at a venue such as a big birthday, christening reception or anniversary - and the invitation included the line “no gifts please” what would you think / how would you respond.

It’s a christening… in case your dying to know.

Is it presumptuous to write that (like they are assuming gifts would otherwise be bought), is it rude to mention gifts at all, is it annoying because you don’t want to show up empty handed and now it’s all awkward…?

Or is it perfect, because you’re already having to pay to travel and it means you can avoid the hassle of finding a gift?

Thanks in advance :)

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2022 18:47

@JayAlfredPrufrock

Because it’s unspeakably rude to turn up empty handed. Do you turn up to dinner at someone’s house empty handed? You take wine and chocolates.
If the host had said “we don’t want you to bring anything for us” you wouldn’t respect their wishes?
JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/02/2022 18:49

I’d always take wine. Always.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/02/2022 18:49

For me.

JustBlethering · 14/02/2022 18:52

I'd assume it means no gifts and I wouldn't take one. There's really only so many money boxes and silver picture frames someone can have in their house.

WonderfulYou · 14/02/2022 18:54

I think it’s perfect.
I’ve seen this in wedding invites too where the hosts just genuinely want people to come and share the special day rather than having to give them gifts or money.

Confusedtraveler · 14/02/2022 18:54

@PurpleDaisies

Honestly because it just feels wrong to go to an event empty handed.

Even though you have specifically been told to turn up empty handed?
I don’t get it,

but it's not that straight forward, is it. It's a weird dance and not wanting to ask for cash upfront, people still miffed at the mention of gift list so to appear above those, they have to plonk a "no gift" and let the guests trying to figure out what best to gift.
PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2022 18:56

but it's not that straight forward, is it. It's a weird dance and not wanting to ask for cash upfront, people still miffed at the mention of gift list so to appear above those, they have to plonk a "no gift" and let the guests trying to figure out what best to gift.

No. No gifts means no gifts (or cash). No need to tie yourself up in knots. Just take the host at their word.

Topseyt · 14/02/2022 18:56

@JayAlfredPrufrock

Because it’s unspeakably rude to turn up empty handed. Do you turn up to dinner at someone’s house empty handed? You take wine and chocolates.
I disagree. I think it is unspeakably rude to deliberately ignore the host's specified wishes.

If I were to say that I don't want people to bring anything then I mean just that. I also don't want my wishes to be ignored and disregarded. That would make me feel frustrated.

I'd be gracious about it, but inwardly I wouldn't be happy.

Graphista · 14/02/2022 18:56

Absolutely fine. People know where they stand and can simply arrive with a card and good wishes

Better for the environment, stops them having to deal with the awkwardness of unwanted/disliked gifts and is mindful that many of us are having to tighten our belts at the moment!

That may even be the reason - there may be loved ones they DEARLY want to be there but who they know if they hadn't done this would have skint themselves to buy a nice gift.

Thoughtful and sensible

These types of threads are so frustrating! They've said no gifts but so posters always say they would bring something anyway. Why????

Yes I agree I think that's as rude as not getting a gift when one is expected or not graciously receiving a gift

Those saying "I'd get one anyway" have you considered your decision to do so is about your comfort rather than the hosts or even poor guests they have tried to be considerate of?

It doesn't make you look thoughtful and generous, it just makes you look rude.

Hear hear

I think giving guests an option to donate anonymously to a favoured charity is a nice idea if people want to do that. In my case I'd have chosen a pregnancy, baby or children's charity

Fupoffyagrasshole · 14/02/2022 18:56

I put no gifts please on my daughters first birthday party invitation!! I said if you really want to do something you can donated to local food bank instead and gave the link to that!

That can’t be misread as I want cash please (right???? 🙈

Fupoffyagrasshole · 14/02/2022 18:57

And when I write no gifts I mean no gifts to be child has so much stuff and she’s not even 1 yet!

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 18:59

I'd wonder if they actually meant no gifts or if they were hinting for cash.

curlii103 · 14/02/2022 19:03

Its fine...you really dont want a load of silver photo frames and such like

Morred · 14/02/2022 19:03

I’ve seen “no gifts, just your presence etc, but we are so grateful to Charity because Reasons - if you would like to contribute here is the link” and the link is like Charity.com/Jeff’s50th.

The charity link is an ideal way to head off either “oh it says no gifts but I’ve brought some tat to clutter up your house anyway” and the “I can’t believe you’re fishing for cash!!” people.

FloBot7 · 14/02/2022 19:05

My best friend asked for no gifts for her wedding. It was a genuine request. We're in our 30's so have plenty of experience with the expense of weddings. To her it was more important that the people she invited were able to come empty handed than worry about the cost of a gift on top of everything else.

Original poster
ViaRia · 14/02/2022 19:05

Thanks for all the replies. To clarify, I’m the organiser and it’s my son’s christening.

I didn’t consider that it might look like a thinly veiled request for cash so that’s really useful to hear that others came to that conclusion.

I think also, if I do go down this route perhaps I’ll soften the wording as some of you have suggested.

@JayAlfredPrufrock, @Penvelopey, I hear what you’re saying… the main reason I’m considering this is because everyone on the guest list has already sent our son a gift when he was born. Everything he received was lovely and used and much appreciated. I feel that the guests have already given something and I don’t want anyone to feel the need to give even more.

OP posts:
WhyMeLord · 14/02/2022 19:12

@TomDaleysCardigan

Oh god. My literal autistic self is now cringing. Do people genuinely put that if they want money instead? I always did a charity donation if one was mentioned otherwise took it seriously.
To me; 'no gifts' means no gifts of any sort including money

'no boxed gifts' means send cash or cash equivalent

Original poster
ViaRia · 14/02/2022 19:12

@Confusedtraveler thanks for your post. I’m interested in why you think it is an attention seeking way to phrase it? “No gifts please” is very to the point which I thought would be more subtle than a little poem saying the same thing.

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 14/02/2022 19:15

@ViaRia

Thanks for all the replies. To clarify, I’m the organiser and it’s my son’s christening.

I didn’t consider that it might look like a thinly veiled request for cash so that’s really useful to hear that others came to that conclusion.

I think also, if I do go down this route perhaps I’ll soften the wording as some of you have suggested.

@JayAlfredPrufrock, @Penvelopey, I hear what you’re saying… the main reason I’m considering this is because everyone on the guest list has already sent our son a gift when he was born. Everything he received was lovely and used and much appreciated. I feel that the guests have already given something and I don’t want anyone to feel the need to give even more.

You could always acknowledge that the guests may still want to give and suggest that in lieu of a gift they give a donation to your church (or a charity your church supports) in your child's name.
Blossomtoes · 14/02/2022 19:18

Perfect. Peachy, in fact.

Pamlar · 14/02/2022 19:19

We did this for a third and fourth child. Not a christening but a introduce them to the family type occasion... we already all the clothes, toys and equipment. So at the bottom of invite we said something like: no need for gifts. Just come and meet the baby. We already have everything we need blah blah.
Anyone who asked I said that we really didn't need anything but good story books are always welcome or to make a donation to a charity of their choice.
Lots of people didn't bring anything which was perfect. Some did donate to lovely causes and some brought clothes, toys books most of which was nice, some I donated. Overall a lot less junk than the first 2 and I was glad we did it.

Original poster
ViaRia · 14/02/2022 19:20

@JayAlfredPrufrock it’s not a particularly large celebration but immediate family is 14 people, then 3 godparents plus their families and a few additional close friends. Our house isn’t big enough to invite everyone back afterwards.

OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/02/2022 19:21

Yes like a funeral where folk give to the nominated charity.

Just watching the news and how much has been spent on flowers for Valentines Day. £250m. And we have no baked beans at the Foodbank.

Confusedtraveler · 14/02/2022 19:21

[quote ViaRia]@Confusedtraveler thanks for your post. I’m interested in why you think it is an attention seeking way to phrase it? “No gifts please” is very to the point which I thought would be more subtle than a little poem saying the same thing.[/quote]
because, as you can see from the thread, it usually means anything BUT no gift, and you put the guests in a very awkward position.

People end up bringing vouchers, flowers, wine, champagne, cash, to bring something that shouldn't go against your request.

I hate tat Grin so completely sympathise with people trying to stay away from silver crap that will get lost in a corner of the loft forever!

seekinglondonlife · 14/02/2022 19:26

@TomDaleysCardigan I'm NT and I too would assume it literally means bring nothing. On the other hand, "no boxed gifts" means they are hoping for money.