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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mother in law shouldn’t make us feel guilty?

120 replies

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:01

DH has been offered a job abroad. It’s a great job and he’s taking it and it’s really positive for us. We have 2 DC. MIL lives 20 mins away from us at the moment and she’s a widow. She’s devastated we’re leaving.

If DH hadn’t been offered this job, we’d still have moved away from the city we’re in as it’s too expensive. But abroad is obviously a lot further!

My family are sad to see us go, but excited for us and are sending us with their blessings.

MIL has done a lot of crying to DH, making him (well, me really!) feel guilty and saying that she’s being left all alone (her other child lives abroad too).

I think that’s a choice: if she wanted to live near one of her children and grandchildren, she could move to be near one of them. She can well afford it.

I’m getting a lot of emotional manipulation from her now: the move will be unsettling for the kids, it’s not good for them to grow up far away from her, she won’t get to have a good relationship with them, etc.

I get that it’s sad for her and I know I would be upset if my children didn’t live in the same country as me, but I feel a bit fed up that she’s being so emotionally manipulative.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 16:14

OP
She's being quite selfish.
Remove yourself from the conversation when she starts on that.
Be careful that she doesn't try to scare the children off the move - you should get your DH to have a serious chat with her.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2022 16:15

It's your life and you and your dh have to make decisions in the best interest of you and your dc but cut her a bit if slack, surely you can empathise with him she's feeling? I think yab a but unreasonable.

StoneofDestiny · 14/02/2022 16:15

Parents made their choices where to live, how to bring up their children, what job to do. That doesn't give them the right to dictate or emotionally blackmail you about your choices in life.

VeryQuaintIrene · 14/02/2022 16:22

Of course you have to make your own decisions for what's best for you, and she shouldn't be manipulative. OTOH, I don't blame her for being really upset, especially if both her children are going to be abroad now. That's a massive adjustment. How old is she? Could she be scared of what's going to happen as she gets older? You should totally do it if you think it's right for you - I'm an only child and I did something similar and it was right for my career, but it did come with some consequences further down the line that I hadn't fully anticipated when I left.

Penvelopey · 14/02/2022 16:24

I don't blame her for being upset but DH needs to have a word. What she is doing is not on and not fair on the kids.

5foot5 · 14/02/2022 16:29

Of course you should go ahead with your plans but it is understandable she is upset. You say "your family" are a bit sad but excited for you. That doesn't sound the same as a widowed parent who will now have no children in the country.

Is the mice likely to be permanent?

Chloemol · 14/02/2022 16:29

She is being selfish, although part of me can see why

But when she starts about no relationship counter, there’s visits, she can zoom/FaceTime

When she starts about the kids being upset, yes for a few days possibly but they will soon make new friends

Be positive about the advantages at every opportunity and say how sorry you are she can’t see that

Being a parent doesn’t mean kids will live near you, or indeed have a lot to do with you

Just keep mentioning the positives for your family, and the positives for her

5foot5 · 14/02/2022 16:30

Move not mice

TulipsTwoLips · 14/02/2022 16:30

@Penvelopey

I don't blame her for being upset but DH needs to have a word. What she is doing is not on and not fair on the kids.
I agree with this.
BuritoCat · 14/02/2022 16:31

If she has enough money why doesn't she move to where your moving? I don't suggest it though unless you want to be driven insane

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:32

She’s a better mother now, but wasn’t great when DH and his sibling were children (not terrible, just quite angry and didn’t like parenting much). So their relationship has been built up since adulthood, if that makes sense. DH’s sibling has said many times that us being in the uk “let’s them off the hook”. They expected us to care for her in her old age (she isn’t there yet).

I definitely feel sorry for her. And I feel bad that she’s going to be alone here, although she does have a lot of friends. DH doesn’t feel especially bad though! He’s able to let her comments roll off him, but that’s the way he is.

I have always found her hard to be around, she talks non-stop at me and is generally very negative.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 16:33

Dh needs to tell her if she can't speak positively around the dc she won't be seeing them.

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:35

@5foot5

Of course you should go ahead with your plans but it is understandable she is upset. You say "your family" are a bit sad but excited for you. That doesn't sound the same as a widowed parent who will now have no children in the country.

Is the mice likely to be permanent?

While I only have one parent also, I have two siblings and my parent has six grandchildren that will still be here in the uk. My family will miss us and vice versa, but they have each other.

The job is permanent and, if we like life there, we will stay - unless we miss family and friends too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:37

@BuritoCat

If she has enough money why doesn't she move to where your moving? I don't suggest it though unless you want to be driven insane
She can absolutely afford it - she has a lot money than we do or ever will. She would drive me crazy but we’ve told her she can. Would prefer she moved near DH’s sibling who is the golden child anyway! Grin
OP posts:
WheresYourSnickers · 14/02/2022 16:37

Of course yanbu to want to move, and to do what's best for your family. If she actually thought of her son and what's good for him and his family, she'd wish you all the best (while probably being sad) but I think she'd only thinking of herself. I would be very annoyed with her behaviour.

nokidshere · 14/02/2022 16:37

No one can make you feel guilty. That's on you.

You can be sympathetic and kind without feeling guilty. Each time she mentions a negative counter it with the positive and stay upbeat and assertive.

OohRahhMaki · 14/02/2022 16:38

I think I'd take a firm but kind approach. Acknowledge that you'll be further away and the relationship will naturally change, which will be sad.

However, if she tries to guilt trip you nip it in the bud. She will be the one ruining the relationship if she carries on like that.

Could you try to work on something positive together? I.e. look at flights or plan a trip. If the country celebrates a particular holiday could you invite her over for a week or so for a family get together? Basically, try to give her something to look forward to.

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:39

@BuritoCat

If she has enough money why doesn't she move to where your moving? I don't suggest it though unless you want to be driven insane
But also - she definitely puts her house and her community above ours.

She doesn’t want to make a move, but she wants us / sibling to return back.

OP posts:
blyn72 · 14/02/2022 16:40

You're not going to be living abroad forever, are you?

I'm sure your mother in law will be all right once she gets used to the idea.

LethargicActress · 14/02/2022 16:41

She’s an ageing lady who’s understandably scared about a future without either her husband or children around. You will be away from her soon so in the meantime just be as patient and kind as you can, and be thankful you don’t know what it feels like to be in her position.

Original poster
Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:46

@LethargicActress

She’s an ageing lady who’s understandably scared about a future without either her husband or children around. You will be away from her soon so in the meantime just be as patient and kind as you can, and be thankful you don’t know what it feels like to be in her position.
Yes you’re right. I genuinely fear being in the same position one day - that’s why I feel guilty. But if I am, and really want to be closer to my children (and I can afford it) I would just move.

Maybe it’s because DH switches off when she talks about it, leaving me to absorb all the guilt, that I’m finding hard.

OP posts:
Penvelopey · 14/02/2022 16:48

Make sure you get her used to video calls before you go maybe?

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2022 16:49

Tell DH to shut her down, it isn’t fair that he’s leaving you to deal with it.

FM2013 · 14/02/2022 16:55

She's not being fair to you at all. My DH moved us and our 4 children abroad for 5 years. It was hard for us all and I know my mum was heartbroken when we left but she never made us feel guilty. She came and stayed with us 4 or 5 times a year and we made the most of her visits. Would this be worth suggesting to her?

Bonbon21 · 14/02/2022 16:56

We should not have children so we have someone to look after us in our old age.
Our job is to take care of them, teach them values and then open the door.
There are lots of ways for farflung families to keep in touch.
There are lots of families who live near each who dont keep in touch at all.
Dont let her guilt trip you... this is a great opportunity for your family. Grab it with both hands. The kids will be all the better for the adventure.

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