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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mother in law shouldn’t make us feel guilty?

120 replies

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 16:01

DH has been offered a job abroad. It’s a great job and he’s taking it and it’s really positive for us. We have 2 DC. MIL lives 20 mins away from us at the moment and she’s a widow. She’s devastated we’re leaving.

If DH hadn’t been offered this job, we’d still have moved away from the city we’re in as it’s too expensive. But abroad is obviously a lot further!

My family are sad to see us go, but excited for us and are sending us with their blessings.

MIL has done a lot of crying to DH, making him (well, me really!) feel guilty and saying that she’s being left all alone (her other child lives abroad too).

I think that’s a choice: if she wanted to live near one of her children and grandchildren, she could move to be near one of them. She can well afford it.

I’m getting a lot of emotional manipulation from her now: the move will be unsettling for the kids, it’s not good for them to grow up far away from her, she won’t get to have a good relationship with them, etc.

I get that it’s sad for her and I know I would be upset if my children didn’t live in the same country as me, but I feel a bit fed up that she’s being so emotionally manipulative.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Staryflight445 · 14/02/2022 17:00

I’m really harsh and have been through a lot. My response would simply be ‘he’s living a plane ride away, he’s not dying’.

MadMadMadamMim · 14/02/2022 17:00

I'd shut her down every time she started. On the phone I'd say firmly I'm putting the phone down now, MIL. I'm not being made to feel guilty for prioritising a really positive new opportunity for our family.

If you are there I'd get the kids and say, Ok, well we're off now if the conversation is deteriorating into this again. And frankly I'd make it plain to her that if she wanted to see much/anything of us before we left she needed to stop with the weepy manipulation or we'd just be avoiding her. You can't demand that your DC and DGC live their lives so that you aren't lonely.

Didiusfalco · 14/02/2022 17:01

I think you’re being hard on her. It’s a bit silly to suggest she could just move to another country, what if you or her other child then move on somewhere else after she has uprooted. Also, big difference to your own family where you are not the only other members. Of course you can’t stay just because she doesn’t want you to go, but framing her perfectly understandable emotions as manipulative and selfish is just mean.

custardbear · 14/02/2022 17:12

She is right, but then again your lives should revolve around your nuclear family needs not hers.
Get your DH to Speak to the other child, have space for her at your homes and perhaps say she could relocate into rental accommodation for short-medium stays in both countries retaining her own home still, and it's not all about her don't forget. One thing, get her kids to delivery messages as she'll likely blame you

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 17:17

It's a huge blow. Cut her some slack.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2022 17:18

DH's able to let her comments roll off him, but that’s the way he is

Just as well really, and since it's his job you're moving for there's no reason at all for you to feel guilty

It's natural for her to feel sad about this, but I really didn't like the "letting the siblings off the hook" because you were near to do the caring - reason enough in itself to move

I agree, though, about being careful what she says to the DCs ...

YungBludForPM · 14/02/2022 17:26

I really feel this from both sides.
I would be absolutely devastated.
But it's your family at the end of the day and have to do what's best for you.

Perhaps try to focus on the positives for her, have a spare bedroom and say she can visit a month at a time, school holidays are best! 😅
Set Skype / zoom times weekly, make sure she knows she's still going to be included in the family.

And congrats and good luck!

SpaceDetective · 14/02/2022 17:27

Could she actually just move abroad? My siblings have both moved abroad but whilst my parents are comfortable there's no way they'd be able to move there due to visa requirements.

MrBoPeep · 14/02/2022 17:38

I wouldn't call it emotionally manipulative at all. It's sad people are so quick to disregard others feelings.

She's a widow, has one child living abroad already, and now the other, plus his wife and kids are leaving too. Maybe in her mind, that's her family, all gone.

Does it hurt that much to show compassion and to see things from another POV nowadays.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 17:42

Oh it's a difficult situation. How she's reacting is probably how most people would feel in her situation, but no, she shouldn't be airing it to you all.

She must feel very alone, whilst she's being unreasonable, try to be empathic towards her, she'll be processing another huge loss. After all, family is everything.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 14/02/2022 17:42

@MrBoPeep

I wouldn't call it emotionally manipulative at all. It's sad people are so quick to disregard others feelings.

She's a widow, has one child living abroad already, and now the other, plus his wife and kids are leaving too. Maybe in her mind, that's her family, all gone.

Does it hurt that much to show compassion and to see things from another POV nowadays.

That cuts both ways though. Of course the MIL is entitled to her feelings. She’s not entitled to emotionally blackmail the OP though.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 17:43

@MrBoPeep

I wouldn't call it emotionally manipulative at all. It's sad people are so quick to disregard others feelings.

She's a widow, has one child living abroad already, and now the other, plus his wife and kids are leaving too. Maybe in her mind, that's her family, all gone.

Does it hurt that much to show compassion and to see things from another POV nowadays.

My experience is people don't really care about others anymore. It's all about themselves. This is the case on most threads.

The bigger picture though, is if people genuinely only care about themselves, then it'll bite them on the arse when they need support etc one day.

MrBoPeep · 14/02/2022 17:48

What part of what MIL said is manipulative?
MIL is being left behind, that's how she feels. Nobody, not even the OP, knows if the kids won't be unsettled by the move until it happens. The move will make it harder for MIL to have a relationship with the kids.

HelloKeith · 14/02/2022 17:49

My dad's partner's children both live abroad - on different continents to each other. She can't afford to see either regularly in person but she's made so much effort with them and her GC and seems to have a great relationship with her GC now they are grown up. I know she finds it tough but she's so proud of them for making their way in life, even if it was away from her. That seems far more healthy than your MIL who just wants everyone to move back to her home town so it's convenient for her.

MrBoPeep · 14/02/2022 17:49

I think you're right GettingThemFromHereToThere

Babymamaroon · 14/02/2022 18:14

I do understand your MIL's feelings tbh. What a terribly lonely life she'll be left with if you were all very close and involved in each other's lives.

That said, it sounds as though your DH may not feel particularly close to his DM based on his experiences as a child. So, she can't have it both ways.

None of my siblings nor I would want to move away from our DP. They're part of our daily lives, we're very close to each other and no matter what the career opportunity, nothing would compensate for being so far away. We've purposefully built our lives to be physically close to each other and that works brilliantly for us. It's safe to say my DP would be absolutely devastated therefore if any of us moved abroad as we would be if they chose to do so.

I think you should acknowledge her pain and angst and reassure that you are not leaving her. Put a fun plan in place for her to visit and have things to look forward to with you, which will hopefully cushion the blow.

Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 14/02/2022 18:32

I do feel for her. I am going to get DH to make plans with her and call her more before we go and keep up regular contact after. I think because of their relationship when he was a child, he isn’t particularly proactive when it comes to his mother. He went to boarding school quite young, etc.

To a poster before - re the comment made by his sibling about the fact that we live near their mother “letting them off the hook” kind of describes both her children’s relationship with her in a nutshell, really. It’s sad.

OP posts:

figuringoutmylife · 14/02/2022 19:00

Try to view it through the lens of she's grieving and this has probably brought up grief from losing her spouse too. Let her say what she needs to say, help her to feel included (pictures, planning etc) and enjoy your new adventure!

SarasCat · 14/02/2022 19:11

I'd be pretty gutted if my DH had died and my children moved away abroad. However, the difference is that I'd know those are my own feelings to deal with and not something to dump on the family. It's probably something she'll get used to once it's happened though she will probably be in victim mode for a while at first. I'd still go for it, her feelings are hers to deal with.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2022 19:25

I think because of their relationship when he was a child, he isn’t particularly proactive when it comes to his mother

That's probably understandable, OP; up to a point we're all the product of our upbringing, and while it's natural for her to be sad it may be a bit late to expect a close bond now

I like your idea about encouraging him to keep in touch, but on the whole I'd let him drive this; after all she's his mother

nanbread · 14/02/2022 19:31

No one can MAKE you feel guilty.

They can say things DESIGNED to make you feel guilty but you alone are responsible for your reaction and feelings.

So maybe take a leaf out of DH's book and let it wash over you.

Having said that I feel for her, I'd be gutted to be in her situation.

It sounds like her friends are important to her and she has to choose between being with her friends in a place she knows, and family (who perhaps she is not that close to). It's probably really hard to start again at that age.

Stath · 14/02/2022 20:11

So she was a crap mother and your DH and his siblings don’t seem to want to have a close relationship with her due to their childhood?

This isn’t your problem to fix or your guilt to bear. I don’t think I would be able to encourage contact with someone who hurt my beloved husband throughout his childhood when he was at his most vulnerable.

Step back and let it float over you. Take example from how your DH wants to play this situation.

As the old adage goes: you reap what you sow.

Darbs76 · 14/02/2022 20:19

It’s hard for some parents to let go. She’s not being fair trying to make you all feel guilty, but you need to recognise it has a big impact on her

Unpopular37 · 14/02/2022 20:27

@Wedonttalkaboutbruno1

If DH hadn’t been offered this job, we’d still have moved away from the city we’re in as it’s too expensive. But abroad is obviously a lot further!

My family are sad to see us go, but excited for us and are sending us with their blessings.

MIL has done a lot of crying to DH, making him (well, me really!) feel guilty and saying that she’s being left all alone (her other child lives abroad too).

I think that’s a choice: if she wanted to live near one of her children and grandchildren, she could move to be near one of them. She can well afford it.

I get that it’s sad for her and I know I would be upset if my children didn’t live in the same country as me, but I feel a bit fed up that she’s being so emotionally manipulative.

AIBU?

i can understand her feelings, but keeping in touch and travel is so much easier than it was. When my mum moved to Oz, we had to book a phone call (yes, book via an operator) charged in 3 minute segments, extortinately priced. No facetime/zoom or similar, and only airmail postage!

Kitkat151 · 14/02/2022 20:27

Cut her some slack maybe? ...she is probably devastated at the loss of her grandchildren..,,my eldest DS lived abroad for 8 years ( 9 hour flight) ... became a citizen of that country....I couldn’t even enjoy his visits home properly as I was counting down the days until he left again....it never got any easier...it was a physical pain in my chest ( of course I never said anything, just smiled and wished him well)....anyway...he’s now unexpectedly home and started a new career so all good....however, my other 2 DC have children....my 3 GC....now if they were to up and leave..even somewhere else in the U.K. ( they live in same town as me) ....then it would be far more painful as they would be taking my GC as well.....again I would smile and wish them well .....but it would be very hard....anyway...they are both home birds as are their partners so it won’t be an issue .....but I’m sure your MIL is suffering....just going about it the wrong way

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