Page 3 | To think mother in law shouldn’t make us feel guilty?

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 2022-02-14T16:01:30+00:00

DH has been offered a job abroad. It’s a great job and he’s taking it and it’s really positive for us. We have 2 DC. MIL lives 20 mins away from us at the moment and she’s a widow. She’s devastated we’re leaving. If DH hadn’t been offered this job, we’d still have moved away from the city we’re in as it’s too expensive. But abroad is obviously a lot further! My family are sad to see us go, but excited for us and are sending us with their blessings. MIL has done a lot of crying to DH, making him (well, me really!) feel guilty and saying that she’s being left all alone (her other child lives abroad too). I think that’s a choice: if she wanted to live near one of her children and grandchildren, she could move to be near one of them. She can well afford it. I’m getting a lot of emotional manipulation from her now: the move will be unsettling for the kids, it’s not good for them to grow up far away from her, she won’t get to have a good relationship with them, etc. I get that it’s sad for her and I know I would be upset if my children didn’t live in the same country as me, but I feel a bit fed up that she’s being so emotionally manipulative. AIBU?

Temporaryrespite · 14/02/2022 20:39

I'm surprised at all the responses on here. Of course the op's mil is being manipulative. Surely it's always been the job of a parent to put your own personal feelings aside and want the best for your dc and what makes them happy? When did that change?

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2022 20:42

Ok shes handling badly but stick a smile on your face and keep giving her hugs. Its utterly pants for her that your moving away, can't be helped due to job. Just try and stay postive and have rants to friends.

Dibbydoos · 14/02/2022 20:53

I can't help but feel empathy for your MIL She's on her own, loves having you both and the kids nearby and she's losing that. Be kind to her. You're not going to change your plans but at least empathise with her situation.

Is she involved in clubs/groups and does she have friends around her? If she doesn't then it's no wonder she's trying to get you to change your mind. Help her fund her own feet if you can. Invite her our once you're settled.

Donson · 14/02/2022 21:11

Ugh I understand your predicament but I totally feel for her - all her family have moved away (or died) and she’s alone and ageing.
Yes she’s being ‘selfish’ but I get it - she doesn’t want to be left alone.

However, I think it’s your DH’s and his sibling’s responsibility. I would never do this to my own mum. I would be shocked if my DH did this to his own mum. It’s not on that she’s guilt-tripping you - she should be talking to your DH and coming up with solutions.

I would be trying to find a way to move her too (obviously depending on visa issues) or encouraging her to move nearer to other family.

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 21:30

@Stath

So she was a crap mother and your DH and his siblings don’t seem to want to have a close relationship with her due to their childhood?

This isn’t your problem to fix or your guilt to bear. I don’t think I would be able to encourage contact with someone who hurt my beloved husband throughout his childhood when he was at his most vulnerable.

Step back and let it float over you. Take example from how your DH wants to play this situation.

As the old adage goes: you reap what you sow.

This.

Why was he sent to boarding school?

Unsure33 · 14/02/2022 21:31

@LethargicActress

She’s an ageing lady who’s understandably scared about a future without either her husband or children around. You will be away from her soon so in the meantime just be as patient and kind as you can, and be thankful you don’t know what it feels like to be in her position.

Exactly. Of course she can’t stop you but I would be devastated if I was in her position.

Perhaps she can move but when you are older it might be more difficult because of healthcare etc.

Just be a bit more understanding.

saraclara · 14/02/2022 21:37

Honestly? I'm a widow and have little family outside my kids. I'd be devastated if they and my DGD left to live abroad.

I would try not to do anything to make them feel bad, but jeeze, it would be awful. And no, it's not that easy to up sticks and move abroad at my age. And if your MIL did, what if this job doesn't work out, or he gets made redundant at some point? Or sees another opportunity in another country?

Temporaryrespite · 14/02/2022 21:49

Seriously though, those of you who have said you would be devastated if your dc moved abroad, would you really prefer your dc to stay on sufferance out of a sense of guilt? Sorry but I would prefer my dc to fly free, even if I was left alone. I've had a full life and my own adventures and I would hate to deny my dc an opportunity to have theirs. Also , I am a fully functioning adult, I can travel and go and visit, I can use a computer to communicate, I have friends and my own life. I am not at that stage of life yet and of course I anticipate feeling much more vulnerable when widowed (if I don't go first!) but I would hate to be dependent on dc if they wanted to be elsewhere.

declutteringmymind · 14/02/2022 22:09

I think firm compassion is needed from your DH.

She needs to know that she was considered when the decision was made. That he hopes that she is as supportive towards him as she was her brother when he moved.

Of course there is a lot that both him and his brother can do to help her from afar.

Ask her how she would like to remain involved with dgc. Could she come and help in the school holidays etc. Help with homework online etc.

That he understands how she might be feeling but making you both feel guilty is just going make it more difficult for her to maintain a good relationship with you all. So she needs to be a bit more positive about it all, and accept the decision.

saraclara · 14/02/2022 22:11

I am not at that stage of life yet and of course I anticipate feeling much more vulnerable when widowed

But that's exactly it, @Temporaryrespite. I'd have said the same as you when my husband was alive and my DDs were teenagers.

Life is very different now.

Kitkat151 · 14/02/2022 22:12

@Temporaryrespite

Seriously though, those of you who have said you would be devastated if your dc moved abroad, would you really prefer your dc to stay on sufferance out of a sense of guilt? Sorry but I would prefer my dc to fly free, even if I was left alone. I've had a full life and my own adventures and I would hate to deny my dc an opportunity to have theirs. Also , I am a fully functioning adult, I can travel and go and visit, I can use a computer to communicate, I have friends and my own life. I am not at that stage of life yet and of course I anticipate feeling much more vulnerable when widowed (if I don't go first!) but I would hate to be dependent on dc if they wanted to be elsewhere.

🙄 you can be devastated at the same time as wanting your children to do what makes them happy you know🙄 So how old are your kids and grandkids?? Because your kids leaving you is one thing( of which I have first hand experience- see my previous post) ....but your grandkids leaving....well that’s a whole new level. When my son came home.....we picked up where we left off.....but You can never have the same relationship with your grandkids If they live away from you..... So if you’ve never had it then you won’t miss it....but the MIL has been used to having her grandies around her.....she will be mourning the loss of them already, even though they haven’t gone yet .....and ok she’s not going the right way about it.....but that sadness will be weighing heavily on her.....it will be like a bereavement

Flickflak · 14/02/2022 22:28

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Temporaryrespite · 14/02/2022 22:30

I take the point about gc Kitkat151 and as I am not at that stage of life yet, I appreciate that I don't yet know exactly how it would feel. I appreciate
it might be a lot harder than I anticipate now. Equally though, we live our lives by principles and not just feelings and generally in life, it's best not to act out of fear. Especially when it comes to our offspring, I hope it is possible to be strong enough to think about what is best for them and not what is best for ourselves.

you can be devastated at the same time as wanting your children to do what makes them happy you know

Yes I do know, but you have a choice as to which of those emotions you choose to dump on your dc. I hope I am brave enough to be encouraging and supportive when or if the time comes.

Seenoevil1 · 14/02/2022 22:34

It's a tough one - an exciting opportunity for you and your family but a huge blow for your m-i-l. She will be worried about being lonely...

I understand where you are coming from. My m-i-l is a little needy and loves company so is always asking when we are seeing her next after we've just went out for lunch. She does not like being on her own more than one day...two days and she would go crazy. She is 80 and has friends but sadly they are dropping off and I worry about her future and the role my husband and I will play as his brother and sister are quite selfish and don't see her as much.
Sometimes it feels too much visiting her every week - I recently cut it to every fortnight. I have a moan then I feel guilty and selfish.
She has been a widow these past nine years and it has been a huge adjustment.
We are lucky in the western world with our nuclear families - in another culture or country your mum in law would be living with you. Just keep reassuring her... xx

Ozanj · 14/02/2022 22:34

She isn’t being manipulative. She’s telling you the truth. Your kids lives won’t be better without their grandparents and extended family in their lives. And in many countries where 3-4 hour commutes or 14 hour working days are normal, even your lives won’t be. Think about this really carefully in terms of what this means for you and your kids - don’t let your DH railroad you into accepting before you can properly think about it.

toomuchlaundry · 14/02/2022 22:47

How old is she and how far away are you moving?

If the last 2 years have shown it isn’t always easy to just jump on a plane. How many posts have there been on here about families not having seen each other for 2 years or more. Maybe this is also worrying your MIL

saraclara · 14/02/2022 22:52

@toomuchlaundry

How old is she and how far away are you moving?

If the last 2 years have shown it isn’t always easy to just jump on a plane. How many posts have there been on here about families not having seen each other for 2 years or more. Maybe this is also worrying your MIL

That's a really good point. I know several people on each end of Covid geographical isolation, and it's been pretty traumatising.

I think there are now a lot of people who might have coped with their kids moving away (or being the ones who have to move away) quite happily before, on the assumption that they could visit regularly, who now daren't take that for granted any more.

AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 23:06

@LethargicActress

She’s an ageing lady who’s understandably scared about a future without either her husband or children around. You will be away from her soon so in the meantime just be as patient and kind as you can, and be thankful you don’t know what it feels like to be in her position.

And when your children are grown and tell you they are moving far away, when you are widowed and alone, you will think of her ,all those years before , and then you will understand.

AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 23:09

Have you watched the film "Belfast" Op. It might help you to understand what your MIL has lost and will lose.

Bellringer · 14/02/2022 23:48

Mak plans now for her to visit you asap, and you, or at least dh and kids to visit her. Work out how often that is feasible, coordinate with bil/sil if poss. Go and enjoy your life.

Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 15/02/2022 08:22

Why was he sent to boarding school? because, apparently, he and his mother “didn’t get along”.

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Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 15/02/2022 08:23

Just be a bit more understanding you’re right - honestly being left alone must be very frightening. I feel very sorry for her. However I think I will encourage DH to visit more with the kids and without me for a bit and empathise and reassure her because she only talks to me (he gets his phone out and disengages).

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Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 15/02/2022 08:29

@toomuchlaundry

How old is she and how far away are you moving?

If the last 2 years have shown it isn’t always easy to just jump on a plane. How many posts have there been on here about families not having seen each other for 2 years or more. Maybe this is also worrying your MIL

She is 70 and visits her other child once every couple of months and generally stays for about a month. They have children too. She can afford it and is fit enough. Of course, things will change as she gets older.

I do have a lot of empathy for her.

Life has been tough for DH and I in the uk lately because of work. Of course the job and move might not work, but we feel incredibly lucky to have been given this chance.

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Original poster

Wedonttalkaboutbruno1 · 15/02/2022 08:33

And when your children are grown and tell you they are moving far away, when you are widowed and alone, you will think of her ,all those years before , and then you will understand. I absolutely do fear this. Perhaps if she were my mother I would feel a different sense of duty but she isn’t and I’m not overly fond of her (as you can probably tell! She is incredibly negative - this situation aside). DH was never close to her, so doesn’t feel inclined to stay for her. It’s really sad. I do feel very sorry for her, more so after reading everyone’s replies.

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Bagelsandbrie · 15/02/2022 08:35

I think some of these replies are so harsh. She’s an older woman on her own who wants to be close to her family. I think we have such an odd approach to extended family in our country. It’s almost like the second you grow up you’re expected to distance yourself from your Mum and Dad as much as possible and never take their views into consideration. (I say that as someone who had a very difficult relationship with my own Mum so I do understand how difficult it can be)! I’d be really devastated if my dc moved to the other side of the world as adults. I had children to hopefully be part of their lives and their children’s lives.