To think mother in law shouldn’t make us feel guilty?

[Wedonttalkaboutbruno1]

DH has been offered a job abroad. It’s a great job and he’s taking it and it’s really positive for us. We have 2 DC. MIL lives 20 mins away from us at the moment and she’s a widow. She’s devastated we’re leaving.

If DH hadn’t been offered this job, we’d still have moved away from the city we’re in as it’s too expensive. But abroad is obviously a lot further!

My family are sad to see us go, but excited for us and are sending us with their blessings.

MIL has done a lot of crying to DH, making him (well, me really!) feel guilty and saying that she’s being left all alone (her other child lives abroad too).

I think that’s a choice: if she wanted to live near one of her children and grandchildren, she could move to be near one of them. She can well afford it.

I’m getting a lot of emotional manipulation from her now: the move will be unsettling for the kids, it’s not good for them to grow up far away from her, she won’t get to have a good relationship with them, etc.

I get that it’s sad for her and I know I would be upset if my children didn’t live in the same country as me, but I feel a bit fed up that she’s being so emotionally manipulative.

AIBU?

Of course she's being unreasonable but I think you and a lot on here aren't being very understanding. Firstly for her to move is a huge thing when you've set up home, secondly, people saying how older people can afford it really irritates me as they will never again have a salary coming in and so have to allow for the rest of their life with a finite sum of money and lastly, in the future you will all be faced with someone leaving the roost, and you can't predict how you'll react. I see my sister roughly once a year and it's horrible and sad, I can't imagine what itll be like when the kids start going!!!!

Why doesn't she move into one of those upmarket retirement apartments with hobbies/ sports available and lots of other rich residents to mix with. That's what I would do - she doesn't have to be alone. Get a grip Grandma.

@Polyanthus2 other old people are not a substitute for the grandchildren she has been seeing regularly.

It's not a bad idea to live somewhere like that for company, but she is still entitled to be upset that she won't be seeing her family in person on a regular basis

@stayathomer

Of course she's being unreasonable but I think you and a lot on here aren't being very understanding. Firstly for her to move is a huge thing when you've set up home, secondly, people saying how older people can afford it really irritates me as they will never again have a salary coming in and so have to allow for the rest of their life with a finite sum of money and lastly, in the future you will all be faced with someone leaving the roost, and you can't predict how you'll react. I see my sister roughly once a year and it's horrible and sad, I can't imagine what itll be like when the kids start going!!!!

I get you - but she’s rich. We are not. We struggle financially, which is part of the reason why this opportunity is a big thing for us.

BIL even wealthier than MIL. When I say rich I mean rich.

But I absolutely understand her heartbreak. My best friend left and I was gutted and that doesn’t even compare to a son and grandchildren. I will cut her some slack - but actually I think I will pass this buck to DH. I do tend to take on all the emotional labour at the best of times!

[quote SeasonFinale]@soontobe60 just because your BIL and nephews abroad chose not to have a relationship with your MIL doesn't mean every other family does this.

The fact that OP says her MIL travels abroad and stays for a month at a time at the other adult child's suggests she would be able to do the same. That may actually mean she spends more actual time than with the GC than she does now.[/quote]
But then you get all the posts complaining about MILS visiting and how stressful it is.

OP,

I think this needs to be firmly pushed onto your husband.

She did what was best for her sending him off to boarding school at a young age and now he is doing what is best for his family.

She is well off and is clearly very selfish, in that your financial difficulties are of no concern to her and she expects her needs to trump greater financial security for your family.

I would stop with the guilt.
Your husband isn't the golden child and you find her very negative.

Tell her to extend her visits to the golden child and be very very wary of having her visit you too much and for too long.

Your responsibility is to do what's best for your family.
She has plenty of money and will be able to pay for care.

Securing greater financial security comes well ahead of her needs.

She should understand the concept of putting your needs ahead of hers, as she did that when she sent your husband off to boarding school.

Do not allow her to stress your children out with her manipulation.

She will be fine.

Good luck with the move.

We left, it was hard but a non ideal set of personal circumstances at the time plus a huge global issue helped us on our way. I dread to think what life would have been like work wise in DH's sector had we stayed. To protect yourself for now put this issue firmly back in DH's corner and try really hard to just focus on the practicalities of the move plus emotional support for your own DC. You do have to be prepared for your DC doing the same in years to come - when you show them there's a whole world out there it's unreasonable to expect them to not want to pursue an opportunity should it present itself. One of my DC in particular is extremely unlikely to settle back in the UK and 2.4 children life!

@Temporaryrespite

I'm surprised at all the responses on here. Of course the op's mil is being manipulative. Surely it's always been the job of a parent to put your own personal feelings aside and want the best for your dc and what makes them happy? When did that change?

I don’t agree with this at all. Sorry.

Will you be a long haul or short haul flight away? Will you be further away than BIL?

My siblings and I have all, at certain times, lived abroad. My parents were nothing but supportive and excited by the lives we were leading. I know if it were my child that moved abroad I would also be sad and would miss them terribly, but I would certainly not show it. Our children have their own lives to lead and to guilt them into staying where they are because a parent is lonely is not, in my opinion, enough of a reason to stop their children from spreading their wings and finding their own way in life. Of course, we should also continue to include family in our lives (unless they are abusive), no matter where we live, but stopping/guilting your children from following their own dreams is just wrong.

As a mother of grown kids, I hope I wouldn't cry like that, but I also hope I wouldn't face that situation. I would honestly be very sad.

You are all equally selfish imo, but that can't be helped. Of course she is devastated, she is losing aspects of her relationships with a treasured part of her family and has no control over that happening, it doesn't mean you should change your plans but your decision which is for you and your husbands benefit comes at the cost to mil and ergo this naturally is selfish. Selfish is not necessarily wrong, but it is what it is, you can't live your life for the benefit of others.

I can understand her being sad her only nearby family are leaving, but it sounds like you need to take a step back - she was a shit parent for DH growing up, he's not bothered and his sibling has already moved away. She has the means to move but is choosing not to but plying the guilt on you for your choices.That speaks volumes IMO.

I do understand you're keen to nurture a relationship with MIL and for her sake of your DC, but presumably this is because you have that with your family - DH doesn't and clearly doesn't want it either. No need to feel guilty but you do need to stop MIL railroading you and being so negative particularly in front of the DC. Take a leaf out of DH's book and detach.

@Temporaryrespite

I'm surprised at all the responses on here. Of course the op's mil is being manipulative. Surely it's always been the job of a parent to put your own personal feelings aside and want the best for your dc and what makes them happy? When did that change?

I didn’t realise giving birth entailed becoming a doormat and completely resigning your right to have any emotions that might be in conflict with what your kids want. I’d have remained childless if I’d got that memo.

Of course she’s upset. I would be too. It’s pretty rubbish when your entire life changes in circumstances completely beyond your control.

I feel sorry for her personally. She’s widowed and both of her children as well as all of her grandchildren will now be abroad. I know you say she has the funds to move to whichever country you’re moving to but it isn’t difficult to understand why a 70 year old wouldn’t want to do this? She’s probably comfortable in her home and within her community. Moving to a completely different country is a huge upheaval at any stage of life but she’s ageing and I don’t think it’s right to expect her to uproot her entire life just so she can be closer to her family.

I can totally understand your side of things too. Great opportunity for your family and you’re happy about it so great. I think empathy for MIL may go a long way here though, you may find yourself in a similar position in 40 or so years after all.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@SeasonFinale what will happen when your parents are too old to travel/one dies?[/quote]
What you mean like now? I travel there. Ad do my children. Indeed my own son has a job offer abroad and I am truly happy for him that he is following and living his dream so I don't have to pretend to be happy for my child doing exactly the same thing as the OP and her family.

It is truly a shame so many people including the MIL aren't actually happy when something great happens for their kids and that they have to pretend to be pleased for them!

Blossomtoes
I didn’t realise giving birth entailed becoming a doormat and completely resigning your right to have any emotions that might be in conflict with what your kids want. I’d have remained childless if I’d got that memo.

Forgive me if I find this a tad hyperbolic ! There is a balance to be struck surely? The mil could spend part of the year with her two adult DC and their respective families while she is fit enough to do so, with lots of on-line contact in between, and no doubt further and different arrangements would be made when she is no longer able to do this.

Of course she’s upset. I would be too. It’s pretty rubbish when your entire life changes in circumstances completely beyond your control.

I totally agree with this and of course she is allowed and justified in being upset but it's the degree to which she chooses to dump those feelings on others that , imho, is significant here.

I have read the entire thread and I suppose I am a bit more sympathetic to the mil now more posters have expressed their sympathy for her but I am just expressing my personal view that I would absolutely loathe and detest my adult DC and GC giving up a fantastic opportunity abroad for my sake. Imo, they should be focusing on what they consider to be best for them , their immediate family, and the next generation. However, if they did make that decision, it would be really important that they made it of their own free will and volition and without any undue influence from me. And ^that^ is why I would try and keep my grief and distress to myself; not because I was some sort of martyr or "doormat" to use your vocabulary, but do that they were entirely free to make a decision unclouded by guilt or obligation.

I wouldn't want my son to miss an opportunity, but I think I would like him and his wife to give a fuck about me. And the OP sounds pretty icy to me.

Are you going somewhere she could easily visit you? My mum is a widow, I'm an only child. I could never move abroad and leave her, but then we have a very good relationship. If DS, also an only child wanted to move abroad in the future I would be devastated (but would he outwardly encouraging).