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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 14/02/2022 17:22

I can feel sorry for the kids without blaming the OP.

OP - You have every right to your feelings and it's pretty clear you forcing a relationship with the step kids wouldn't be in anyone's interest.

It is sad that you've been a central person in their lives for so long without having formed a closer relationship with them. But then divorce is sad, family break ups are sad - and it's a parent's responsibility (not ex-step parent's) to help kids work through it.

Summersnake · 14/02/2022 17:23

Stand your ground op

affairsofdragons · 14/02/2022 17:25

@Sportslady44

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.
They can see the child when she's with their mutual father.
GettingThemFromHereToThere · 14/02/2022 17:25

@Sux2Buthen

I've made it clear to my SS that he is welcome here anytime. We shared a home from him being 8-15 and it was a 50/50 split. It would seem like his childhood and family were a lie if I tried to cut him out like that. I give him no pressure, I text him from time to time, tell him he's welcome and when he does pop round I'm always glad to see him as are his half siblings.
Exactly this.

Have some integrity OP.

Although in all honesty, if you withdrew from a relationship with a two year old due to their "difficult" behaviour then maybe they're better off without you. It's possible they'll be glad to not have to be involved with someone who should have cared about them but didn't. You don't even sound apologetic about the situation, that's what gets me. You don't even acknowledge that you're being unreasonable but doing it anyway, you genuinely think it's ok to ghost young children who should have meant something to you, and who probably care about you.

You ghosting them will make them doubt the past 6 years. That's on you. Not your ex and not them. Just you.

Forgotthebins · 14/02/2022 17:26

This post made me feel sad (I was a stepchild). I think you ghosting them will have an impact on them. But given that you say that you dislike one of them for their challenging behaviour, it would have a worse impact on them if you see them unwillingly, than if you don’t see them at all. For you, you were only signing up for life with their Dad, not with them - but a 2 year old or 5 year old would have seen themselves as part of the package. It is better that the 8 year old does not realise yet that you dislike them.

If you can, maybe you could send them a few postcards from holiday in the first year or so, or birthday and Christmas cards, just so they have something they can look at to show the 6 years when you were in their life had meaning, wasn’t all negative etc.

Or if that is too much for you, just be positive about them to your DC, like “look at this lovely teddy your brother and sister got you,” so that your DC does not pick up on the negativity you feel. Even if you have to fake it.

You can’t help your feelings but they are only children so any little you can do might be a help to all of them.

I would say exactly the same to a man, by the way. It is not that women have a special responsibility to children, but adults have a special responsibility to children.

spacehardware · 14/02/2022 17:27

It doesn't really matter if you're being unreasonable, you don't want to spend time with them so clearly you won't.

I do find it a tad amusing that you are very certain in future you will not date men with children - any man who dates you, will have to be more open minded than you are.

I have a step mother, I am a step mother and my children have a step mother, so I have run the full 360 of possible positions you can be in FAOD. I don't have a downer on non nuclear families

teateaandcoffee · 14/02/2022 17:30

@SplitStep I think it depends if the kids have actually asked to see you. I would be ignoring what ex says and try to find out what kids are actually feeling.
If it was me and they really wanted to see me I would see them, it would just be nice thing to do.
If they hadn’t even mentioned meeting up with you and this is just your ex then you have your answer.

Chely · 14/02/2022 17:30

A bit harsh to cut them out of your life but I gather feelings are a bit raw atm and you need that distance for a bit. I hope you will feel like you can welcome them in eventually for your child's sake as they are siblings and your lo may want to have them visit in your home as they get older.

RadicalGhost · 14/02/2022 17:30

You only get one life @SplitStep even if it’s not right and it’s hard on the step kids it’s also clearly been very hard on you. Those children have a mother and a father who love them. You don’t need to see them. Look after yourself and your baby. It sounds like you’re still recovering from the break up.

As you said you will see them and be pleasant at drop off / birthday parties. You don’t need to carve out anything on top of that if you don’t want to.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/02/2022 17:30

A PP has made an excellent point, which is that at some stage ex will move on and meet someone else. When that happens doubtless OP will be expected to step back from her DSCs' lives, just as she's being expected to facilitate her own DC's plus her ex's relationship with them now. Because it suits his convenience.

The break is coming, it's just a question of when, and the children will have to face that sometime. As for his next partner, under the arrangement he wants now she would likely have the baggage of the ex (mum) AND ex-step mum into an already complicated bargain. He can also stop them seeing the former stepmum at any time he wants, which if they continue to labour at a forced relationship, is going to be even more difficult when that eventually happens.

A clean break is really the sensible solution. He isn't really thinking this through and putting the needs of HIS children first, or even considering anything beyond the immediate, short-term situation. As their parent, that's only consideration that really matters here.

GreggsDoVitalWork · 14/02/2022 17:32

Just a thought - whilst it’s undeniably sad you don’t want to see the DSC and I remain firmly in the camp that you shouldn’t be forced to maintain a relationship with them if you don’t want to - I wonder if it might be a smart thing to occasionally see them and have good times with them purely given the fact your DC will love them and want them in his/her life forever. From a diplomatic perspective it might backfire in 15-20 years if the DSC are in your DC’s ear saying you’re cold/whatever. It might be hard explaining that to your DC how you were able to just cut contact. You might even realise you actually quite like them when the exH element isn’t part of the pressure (but I am not a psychologist, clearly ;-D).

But that is me massively catastrophising. I’m just playing it out in my mind. I don’t think their mental health is your responsibility or anything like that. If you loved them and wanted to see them that would be lovely. But you don’t, and that not U. X

FruminariaBandersnatcheosum · 14/02/2022 17:32

I think you are doing the right thing OP. Kids are resilient and they will bounce back. Your responsibility is to yourself and your DC only really. The only way forward is you having your home as a haven for your and your DC. You have to seek happiness for yourself and this is part of that.

I walked away from step children.

I missed the girl terribly but the DS I could not bond with at all for a variety of reasons but I was coerced into being their parents and ExDP abdicated it all over onto me whenever he had contact. I became resentful and left.

YungBludForPM · 14/02/2022 17:33

This is disgusting.
Your their stepmum, did you not love them?
I'm gobsmacked at how selfish & heartless your being!
This is also your child's siblings, they will want a relationship with their siblings.

Angelswithflirtyfaces · 14/02/2022 17:34

Its better for everyone if you are happier apart, but echoing what everyone has said here I hope you will be kind.
It must be hard for those kids to have a dad who keeps having different families then splitting up so a little empathy for tgat may help.
You are right to not want to get involved with anyone who has children, but how would you feel if a new partner felt that about your child? People come with baggage you may be single a long time.
You also need to model good relationships for your child too, but fair enough if you dont want to be close to the stepkids or go above and beyond for your ex, but it seems very black and white. I hope you sort it out.

AchillesPoirot · 14/02/2022 17:34

@YungBludForPM

This is disgusting. Your their stepmum, did you not love them? I'm gobsmacked at how selfish & heartless your being! This is also your child's siblings, they will want a relationship with their siblings.
Why isn’t it the fathers responsibility to facilitate that relationship between the siblings?
Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2022 17:36

YANBU to feel how you feel. I hope that you've learned from it though and won't date a man with kids again. Also you need to recognise that if you ever get into another relationship, the man may feel like this about your child.

Cofifeefee · 14/02/2022 17:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable. A relationship has broken down and there is fall out from that. It was up to the children's father to prepare for this scenario and deal with the children's feelings about it.

spacehardware · 14/02/2022 17:38

Gonna be awks at family occasions in future where your child understandably wants their siblings there. A lot of aggro and resentment is likely to be stored up for the future unnecessarily.

I just think you're thinking very short term op. The dynamic will change over the years anyway, it's just less effort to be amenable in short term.

LightfoldEngines · 14/02/2022 17:40

Ffs, this place is insane sometimes!

OP YADNBU.

It is the FATHERS responsibility to ensure the two sets of siblings have regular contact.

OP is in no way obliged to continue any contact with her step children.

Fucking Hell.

LightfoldEngines · 14/02/2022 17:41

Nor is she obliged to “just chill” with her ex and 3 children, 2 of which aren’t hers.

Who the fuck wants to hang out with their ex?!

YungBludForPM · 14/02/2022 17:42

@LightfoldEngines

Ffs, this place is insane sometimes!

OP YADNBU.

It is the FATHERS responsibility to ensure the two sets of siblings have regular contact.

OP is in no way obliged to continue any contact with her step children.

Fucking Hell.

So the children who have accepted her as their stepmum, grown to love her. Their feelings don't count, they get discarded and potentially develop mental health issues all because the OP can't be bothered any more. Sounds like a great human being to me. You too. 🙄
YungBludForPM · 14/02/2022 17:43

@AchillesPoirot
Sounds like he's trying to!

Does OP allow the 2 year old to go to their fathers overnight I'm curious, maybe I missed this bit of info?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2022 17:46

@YungBludForPM I highly doubt the kids love her especially if she doesn't like them. Kids pick up on these things. My stepdad wasn't keen on me and I do not love him in the slightest.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/02/2022 17:46

@LightfoldEngines yeah because the fact dc would have formed a relationship with their sm over 6 whole years is totally unimportant. Fuck those kids, it’s not op’s responsibility… except she married their dad and in doing so does actually have some responsibility. I can’t believe a human could treat children with such little regard. She’s not legally obliged but it’s a heartless approach that many of us disagree with.

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 17:47

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

Have some integrity OP.

You ghosting them will make them doubt the past 6 years.

What a nasty post. How about you get some integrity and RTFT? OP is not going to ghost them, they will still be invited to birthday parties etc.