To not see them again?

[SplitStep]

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

Do any of you have step parents? I think a lot of you are vastly overestimating how much kids "love" their step parents especially if there's tension in the house. They're probably relieved.

@sunshinelover69

God way to guilt her *@Kbyodjs* - she feels how she feels and it's not fair to suggest that this makes her a bad person. Not everyone can feel love or affection for someone else's kids.

Then don't get with someone who has children if you're really not bothered about them

I think that's a horrible thing to do to the children

@spacehardware

Gonna be awks at family occasions in future where your child understandably wants their siblings there. A lot of aggro and resentment is likely to be stored up for the future unnecessarily.

I just think you're thinking very short term op. The dynamic will change over the years anyway, it's just less effort to be amenable in short term.

Why would it be awkward when op has already said the children will be invited to her DC birthdays and other occasions @spacehardware ? If they’ve always been at their siblings occasions why would it build up resentment?

@splitstep yadnu stand your ground. You can't make yourself feel something you don't. They have parents and they can have a good relationship with their half sibling at their dad's you don't need to be involved if you don't want to.

I do have step parents, actually.

My step father was married to my mother for 20 years, from age 6-26 for me, I don’t actively seek him out but if I bump into him I’m happy to chat, and vice versa. I never saw him as my parent, or any sort of familial bond - he was just my mothers husband.

My step mother is unfortunately still married to my father

She isn’t morally obligated to them either - they have two parents already.

OP you can’t win - if you were on here saying you wanted ExH to bring SDC over once a month for an hour or two when he collects your DC, they’d have handed your arse to you for that too.

You cannot win as a step parent here. You’re either not involved enough or you’re too involved.

Meanwhile you hear so many stepparents being dumped by their stepchildren after the death of their spouse aka the stepchildren's biological parent. It is obvious that many people do NOT in fact consider their stepparents to be family regardless of how much the stepparents have done for them and / or how much time they have spent taking care of them. I agree with many of the other posters that the ex dh is just looking for more free childcare and as soon as he has roped in another girlfriend he will decide OP is no longer interesting for his kids.

I am with you OP. I totally get your position! They aren't your kids- end of in my opinion. I wouldn't expect my kids SD to want to stay in touch with them if we split- actually, I would find it a bit weird.

@Waxonwaxoff0

Do any of you have step parents? I think a lot of you are vastly overestimating how much kids "love" their step parents especially if there's tension in the house. They're probably relieved.

This I’m 35 and I’d be so relieved if my SM fucked off.

Why isn’t it the fathers responsibility to facilitate that relationship between the siblings?

Because it's always the bloody woman's fault.

This place is nuts at times. I'm especially liking the PP who expects OP to apologise and offer a justification of her behaviour to complete strangers on the internet. Okay, so she might have posted on the forum asking for advice on the subject, but this is really an overstretch!

CF, I think MN calls this ...

You committed to a lifelong relationship with your husband’s children when you gave birth to their sibling.

Wtf???!! No she really did not. Get a grip.

Yanbu. Clean break. Clear boundaries. The children still have 2 parents. Like many children your child will see his half siblings at his dad's. He may or may not have a relationship with them in future.

Look after yourself.

YANBU OP, some people obviously have no empathy or experience to understand just how much a toxic step-parenting situation can decimate your mental health.

Of course the children are innocent in this but forming a healthy, loving bond with them is only potentially achievable if both parents allow it - I don't mean them physically giving the step parent permission, but by facilitating the conditions in which a relationship can develop e.g. not accepting rudeness towards the SP, addressing any loyalty binds the DC might feel, not expecting babysitting or DC-related chores from the SP or taking their contributions for granted etc.

If circumstances have been so bad that OP felt no other option but to leave her ExH despite sharing a 2yo with him I can bet my house that neither OP or her ex-DSC have ever been given the emotional time or space for a close bond to develop. She needs to put on her own metaphorical oxygen mask so she can cope with the demands of her own child before prioritising DC who already have two parents of their own, and from what we can ascertain haven't actually asked to see OP. You can be sure if that were the case the ExH would be using that to guilt OP into playing happy families.

I don't think OP is 'ghosting' her ex stepkids. She's saying she doesn't have a bond with them so she now is moving to a more separate life. There will still be some contact. She will see them incidentally but keep her home private and not do phoney stuff to please her exH. It's probably all set to change again when he gets a new GF anyway.

I'd be interested to know what the SDC feel/want if they're old enough to articulate it. Maybe they aren't too attached to her and more resilient than we know. They still have their mum and dad and will continue to see their half sibling.

Does the ex have ops 2 children from her previous relationship? Thought not.

I'm pretty sure my stepkids wouldn't give a shiny shit if they never saw me again. I'm just a bonus adult in their lives. I have no parental responsibility. The OP should be free to get on with her life. The blended family situation hasn't worked for her so she's rightly getting out of it. Prolonged contact with the kids is just going to make it worse for them in the long run if her heart's not in it.

As someone whose mother had a string of fairly long term relationships, each of whom I would get attached to and then never hear from again, I do think it’s pretty unacceptable in general how people go into children’s lives and then fuck off, without thinking of their feelings and the huge emotional cost/ abandonment issues.

Yeh yeh they aren’t your children but iI was wildly selfish to get married to someone with children, and such young ones at that, when you clearly didn’t really like children or think this sort of thing through (I mean who gets married without assuming they will be together forever/will have to deal with the children forever?!)

I’m not surprised the children are a hit difficult if 50% of their life they are around someone who clearly despises them!

@LightfoldEngines right!

Honestly most kids aren't that bothered about their step parents. My DS has one, they get on fine but he's never said he loves her or talks about looking forward to seeing her. He's just bothered about his dad!

@Justcallmebebes

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.

^This I'm afraid. Poor kids, must be very confusing for them

Agree with this, you entered a relationship with a man who was a father, those poor children did not ask for this situation and are prob feeling very confused. Stop being so selfish.

@Giraffesandbottoms

As someone whose mother had a string of fairly long term relationships, each of whom I would get attached to and then never hear from again, I do think it’s pretty unacceptable in general how people go into children’s lives and then fuck off, without thinking of their feelings and the huge emotional cost/ abandonment issues.

Yeh yeh they aren’t your children but iI was wildly selfish to get married to someone with children, and such young ones at that, when you clearly didn’t really like children or think this sort of thing through (I mean who gets married without assuming they will be together forever/will have to deal with the children forever?!)

I’m not surprised the children are a hit difficult if 50% of their life they are around someone who clearly despises them!

Your mum probably shouldn't have introduced so many men to you then. She's the one with parental responsibility to you.

@Catkin8

I think you're being very selfish. I hope you don't abandon your own child so easily if they show 'difficult' behaviours in the future.

How is this in ANY WAY the same? Of course I would never abandon my own child... They are my child

I think the fact you think this is remotely the same is really weird.

@Giraffesandbottoms

As someone whose mother had a string of fairly long term relationships, each of whom I would get attached to and then never hear from again, I do think it’s pretty unacceptable in general how people go into children’s lives and then fuck off, without thinking of their feelings and the huge emotional cost/ abandonment issues.

Yeh yeh they aren’t your children but iI was wildly selfish to get married to someone with children, and such young ones at that, when you clearly didn’t really like children or think this sort of thing through (I mean who gets married without assuming they will be together forever/will have to deal with the children forever?!)

I’m not surprised the children are a hit difficult if 50% of their life they are around someone who clearly despises them!

This is on your mum, not the exes

@NeedAHoliday2021

Feel so sad for those kids. It’s the kind of stuff that messed up your relationships for life. As long as you’re okay though hey. I think that choosing to have a relationship with a father and having dc with that father means you do have some kind of obligation to continue a relationship (albeit less involved and not as free childcare). Doesn’t really matter what I think though as op clearly believes she’s right.

This..

I think it absolutely is yhe ex responsibility to facilitate contact betwrrn all his kids...

But...

It's pretty self centred for OP to withdraw completely from her stepchildrens lives.

It sounds as if she's had a large. Role in raising them... And it sounds as if this led to her feeling 'put upon'... BUT THIS IS NOT THE KIDS ' FAULT.

if you withdrew from a relationship with a two year old due to their "difficult" behaviour then maybe they're better off without you

No. This is NOT the reason for leaving. I have said repeatedly that this issue regarding the kids is not the sole reason for leaving. There were much bigger things.

But yes it's contributed to me looking forward to not having to deal with it anymore.

I know several women who had close r/s with their step kids and this outlived the r/s with the father.

One pal reguarly has London weekends with her step daughter even to both her and the girls dad are now married to others.

@TicTacHoh and @Waxonwaxoff0

Of course it’s my mother’s fault, but I’m saying in general it’s just pretty shit that no one considers this stuff (parents or partners).

Particularly when the children are actually very young and there’s marriage involved. Tbf to my mother’s last fiancé who is sadly now dead, we maintained contact after they broke up because I was an older teenager and had had enough of getting dumped alongside her after years of bonding with and living with someone. It’s extremely hurtful.

It would be pretty hard for an 8 year old to understand why someone who had helped raise them from the age of 2 was just abandoning them like this 🤷🏻‍♀️