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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:44

I wouldn't say he was abusive. He could just be very nasty with things he said in an argument. Some of which I couldn't move past.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 14/02/2022 16:44

But if you want a pat on the back you’re not going to get it.

Who says? Pat on the back is a bit patronising, but I'd be happy to give OP a high five.

2022success · 14/02/2022 16:45

YANBU at all!

I have been a step child, a step mother, and now my DC have a step mother. I didn't carry on seeing SDC after XH and I split. Why on earth would I? It would be weird and most unusual.

The DC will all get to see each other on dads time, as it should be.

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:46

@SplitStep

So it’s validation you’re after here?

So you have to follow everyone of my posts with "so.....?"

I posted for the same reason everyone else posts on here. To ask if I was being unreasonable. Most seem to think not.

You're welcome to disagree obviously.

So, I don’t disagree. Like I said, I’d never get into a relationship with someone with children. But it’s cold to be so happy to distance yourself from them, and it’s definitely cold to have deliberately never tried to see them as anything more than baggage your husband came with. That’ll be your kid too one day.
ancientgran · 14/02/2022 16:47

@SplitStep

So you thought there would come a point when you’d never see them again regardless of staying married to their dad? That’s completely bizarre, why on earth would you?

No? I meant you don't commit to a lifelong relationship with step children if you split up with their parent.

I didn't think getting married to my husband meant that even if he turned out to be an arse and I left him I would be forever responsible for maintaining a relationship with his kids.

Obviously if I was still married to him I would.

I don't think it has to be a lifelong commitment but if these children have lived with you for 50% of the time for six years there could be a gentle way to wind things down rather than just disappearing. You mention things like birthday parties so you aren't planning on just completely disappearing so that is good, three meet ups a year where you see them in a pleasant situation for a couple of hours is probably enough for them to know you haven't just disappeared.
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:47

definitely cold to have deliberately never tried to see them as anything more than baggage your husband came with

Where have I ever said this?

It would be great if I had a loving, close relationship with the kids where I was desperate to see them. But I don't. That's the way it turned out for various reasons. It's not something I deliberately chose to feel obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:49

You mention things like birthday parties so you aren't planning on just completely disappearing so that is good

Yes I would assume at some point I will see them again because we share a child so for example if our DC has a birthday party, I'm sure they will be there, if I go to pick up DC one day and they are in the garden/answer the door or whatever I obviously won't blank them. But I don't feel the need to plan or force any meet up.

OP posts:
Momijin · 14/02/2022 16:52

You've spent a significant portion of those kids lives with them and they're your child's siblings. I find it weird and cold that you have form no bond.

I wouldn't want you to have anything more to do with them tbh. They must have felt your lack of care.

Bluebottle11 · 14/02/2022 16:54

It does sound like you have made your mind up which I would wholeheartedly support as a SM & with a SM growing up, be interesting to know how many of those who seem to condemn your feelings have any experience.
Unfortunately it’s human nature to create our own reality which suits us ignoring & denying facts that don’t suit us so you would never know it would turn out this way when you met him so ignore all those silly comments questioning why you got together in the first place, it’s irrelevant to your situation now

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 16:54

I wouldn't want you to have anything more to do with them tbh.

It's nothing to do with you, @Momijin

Sux2Buthen · 14/02/2022 16:56

I've made it clear to my SS that he is welcome here anytime. We shared a home from him being 8-15 and it was a 50/50 split.
It would seem like his childhood and family were a lie if I tried to cut him out like that.
I give him no pressure, I text him from time to time, tell him he's welcome and when he does pop round I'm always glad to see him as are his half siblings.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:58

I wouldn't want you to have anything more to do with them tbh.

That's fine, I'm okay with that. I'm very happy to be able to focus on me and DC solely now.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2022 16:59

I'm saying this sincerely and without snark, congratulations on knowing yourself, your 'limits', and sticking to what feels right to you. If you don't want an ongoing relationship with his children, so be it! I'm sure you'll be friendly to them when you happen to see them at drop offs/pick ups or whatever and that's all that is required. My only suggestion would be to try to coordinate your ex's time with your child so that his children are there at the same time to help maintain the siblings' relationship.

I think people are being rather harsh on the OP. If someone doesn't want to maintain a relationship with someone (even if that someone is a child) then that is their right. And TBH we don't know the actual 'depth' of OP's relationship with the children. It may never have been a 'parent/child' sort of thing. And people enter and leave a child's life all the time. They'll adjust, children are pretty adaptable. As long as OP facilitates the sibling relationship and is kind to the former-stepDC, she's doing the right thing. Plus, who knows? The ex may well marry again and provide the DC with a new stepmum. No need to 'muddy the waters' with a former stepmum in the mix.

I've said it before on MN, this is another one of the reasons why I never seriously dated a man with children and had decided I'd never marry one. Not because of the children themselves, but because I didn't want the hassle involved with a step-relationship.

Crimesean · 14/02/2022 17:00

@Phobiaphobic

Just wondering if all the people telling the OP she's unkind and not putting the kids first would feel the same way if a woman wanted her ex-partner to see her kids even after he's left and the relationship has broken down.
This.
ambushedbywine · 14/02/2022 17:01

You don’t have to and if you don’t want to it’s probably best you don’t set up expectations that you won’t be able to sustain. That said, I can’t imagine walking out of SCs lives who lived with us 50% of the time for years as children. Surely they feel at least like nieces/nephews?

ancientgran · 14/02/2022 17:01

@SplitStep

You mention things like birthday parties so you aren't planning on just completely disappearing so that is good

Yes I would assume at some point I will see them again because we share a child so for example if our DC has a birthday party, I'm sure they will be there, if I go to pick up DC one day and they are in the garden/answer the door or whatever I obviously won't blank them. But I don't feel the need to plan or force any meet up.

From your first post I thought you were saying you'd never see them again. I think those sort of casual occasions where you can ask how school is or whatever is enough. I think it is the 100% disappearing that can be harmful to the children.
ancientgran · 14/02/2022 17:07

Just wondering if all the people telling the OP she's unkind and not putting the kids first would feel the same way if a woman wanted her ex-partner to see her kids even after he's left and the relationship has broken down.

I posted earlier that my DH very much wanted to see his SS but the mother wouldn't allow it. He always sent cards and presents and when the step son was an adult he came to find DH to resolve issues he had with the relationship suddenly ending, he never even got to say goodbye to DH. My DH was also glad to have the opportunity to say goodbye.

So some stepfathers would want to do it but in his case the mother didn't want it.

Catkin8 · 14/02/2022 17:09

I think you're being very selfish. I hope you don't abandon your own child so easily if they show 'difficult' behaviours in the future.

Loki01 · 14/02/2022 17:10

@Gowithme

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.
This.
Lunificent · 14/02/2022 17:16

When they stayed with you, were you their mum in lieu, or was that all left to their dad e.g. reading them a bedtime story, tucking them in, cuddling them etc?
I’m asking that as, as much as I agree with you that it’s up to you whether you want to see them much again, is it possible that they are grieving for their time with you? Did they love you and see you as a parent? In your situation, if that was the case, I might want to ease them into the new situation by seeing them sometimes, at least in the short term.
That said, I’d be wary of your exdp’s intentions. Is he asking for this for their benefit or for his?

gamerchick · 14/02/2022 17:16

@SplitStep

Sorry to clarify he's not suggesting that he leave them with me or that I take them out alone so not really childcare. But likewise I don't really want to chill with him either!
Yet.
Phobiaphobic · 14/02/2022 17:16

@CeceBerry

Ffs some of the attitudes on here! This is why women will always be regarded as soft, weak, martyrs. Men leave their BIOLOGICAL children all the time! A woman has said she is ending her marriage one of the reasons is the relationship with the step children, yet people here are forcing her to do the thing she has escaped from.

The OP is not happy seeing the children (and the ex) but fuck her feelings. She’s the woman and need to put herself last as usual. The kids have a father, they have a mother. That time she is being asked to spend with the step children is time she should be spending with her own 2 year (or watching TV!! if she bloody chooses).

Could not agree more. Jesus, the scolding on here.
Lovemydoggie · 14/02/2022 17:20

YANBU because from reading your replies on this thread you clearly would not really offer anything positive towards the SC lives .
Very sad and maybe your responses reflect how awful your marriage was . I feel sorry for the kids …not their fault .

LocalHobo · 14/02/2022 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

newnameforthis76 · 14/02/2022 17:22

@SplitStep

You sound incredibly selfish. You knew what you were taking on when you got together with your ex

Not really. I didn't think being married to a man with DC meant I was committing to a lifelong relationship with his children should the marriage breakdown.

You committed to a lifelong relationship with your husband’s children when you gave birth to their sibling. I completely get that you don’t want to hang out with your ex or have days out, but not even wanting them to set foot in your house when your ex drops off your toddler just seems unnecessarily spiteful to me. Your child is their sibling.
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