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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 16:22

Pfft people here believe there are no arseholes in the world.
There are, and conversely, they didn't just become arseholes at 35 / 25 / 18 years of age, having been perfectly nice people beforehand.
No, they were probably unpleasant as children as well.
Biology means that their parents especially mothers will love them despite their unpleasantness / arseholness, but that's not the case with other people, who don't enjoy being subjected to unpleasant behaviour.
And hence are delighted to not have anything more to do with such unpleasantness when they don't have to.

BobLemon · 14/02/2022 16:24

@SplitStep have you posted before as HD? The birthday/holiday incident… If that was you, I’m not surprised to hear you’re split and that he’s still being a dick in terms of his expectations

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:24

@SplitStep

So you decided beforehand that you’d never like them enough to make a decent relationship with them? You never thought that was a relationship worth nurturing because they weren’t yours biologically?

No I didn't decide anything before hand. But that is, unfortunately, the way it came to be. I didn't feel attached or bonded with one in particular due to difficult behaviours which my husband and his ex refused to really acknowledge or deal with. I'm quite happy, in all honesty, to no longer have to deal with that in my home. I do not now, after getting out, want to invite that back in.

This is obviously just one issue and is not the sole reason we split. My husband has a bad temper too and can be very cruel to me. I have no desire to maintain any relationship with him on any level besides discussing contact for our DC.

What do you want from this thread? You let it roll on for six years and nobody can force you to see them. But if you want a pat on the back you’re not going to get it.
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 16:25

Brucey bonus of dumping my exh was not having to deal with his dc or ex. I actually refused to have dc with him as I didn't want any ties to any of them!
Yanbu op.

BananaBlue · 14/02/2022 16:26

Hmmm… part of the reason why one of my cousins dislikes her mother is because DM ghosted her half sibling when the parents split.

My cousin and her half sibling are quite close so this came up when cousin in late teens and she was disgusted with DM because it had a huge affect on her older sister.

Even mentors spend some time releasing from a relationship. I hope you didn’t just ghost OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2022 16:26

@CeceBerry

Ffs some of the attitudes on here! This is why women will always be regarded as soft, weak, martyrs. Men leave their BIOLOGICAL children all the time! A woman has said she is ending her marriage one of the reasons is the relationship with the step children, yet people here are forcing her to do the thing she has escaped from.

The OP is not happy seeing the children (and the ex) but fuck her feelings. She’s the woman and need to put herself last as usual. The kids have a father, they have a mother. That time she is being asked to spend with the step children is time she should be spending with her own 2 year (or watching TV!! if she bloody chooses).

Amen!
Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:26

@Bonheurdupasse

Pfft people here believe there are no arseholes in the world. There are, and conversely, they didn't just become arseholes at 35 / 25 / 18 years of age, having been perfectly nice people beforehand. No, they were probably unpleasant as children as well. Biology means that their parents especially mothers will love them despite their unpleasantness / arseholness, but that's not the case with other people, who don't enjoy being subjected to unpleasant behaviour. And hence are delighted to not have anything more to do with such unpleasantness when they don't have to.
So you think children are born arseholes? Nature over nurture?
nokidshere · 14/02/2022 16:27

Pfft people here believe there are no arseholes in the world.
There are, and conversely, they didn't just become arseholes at 35 / 25 / 18 years of age, having been perfectly nice people beforehand.
No, they were probably unpleasant as children as well.
Biology means that their parents especially mothers will love them despite their unpleasantness / arseholness, but that's not the case with other people, who don't enjoy being subjected to unpleasant behaviour.
And hence are delighted to not have anything more to do with such unpleasantness when they don't have to.

So did the cruel, abusive husband just become like that 2yrs ago? And if he didn't and there were already problems why have a child with him which means he's going to be involved to some degree for the next 16yrs?

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 14/02/2022 16:28

The cynic in me wonders if your ex wants to share care of all of his children with another adult (you in this case) on his contact times. I’d put money on it that if/when he finds a new partner who will take responsibility for his children the step children won’t “want” to hang out with you at your place.

To sum up, yanbu, don’t budge on this. The children will adjust, honestly they will. Don’t let his fucker worm his way back in to your life. He can pick up and drop off the toddler on the doorstep and you can enjoy your free time doing whatever the fuck you like.

CeceBerry · 14/02/2022 16:29

@GettingThemFromHereToThere I was emotionally immature a long time ago and got taken advantage of. The OP’s story hit a chord as it was somewhat similar to mine. I never used to be cold person but I had to become one.

Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 16:30

I think OP was subjected to repeated, sustained unpleasant behaviour - so unpleasant that it contributedto her decision to divorce.. And that she has no reason to enjoy it or like whoever was repeatedly unpleasant to her.

Bonheurdupasse · 14/02/2022 16:31

@nokidshere

Pfft people here believe there are no arseholes in the world. There are, and conversely, they didn't just become arseholes at 35 / 25 / 18 years of age, having been perfectly nice people beforehand. No, they were probably unpleasant as children as well. Biology means that their parents especially mothers will love them despite their unpleasantness / arseholness, but that's not the case with other people, who don't enjoy being subjected to unpleasant behaviour. And hence are delighted to not have anything more to do with such unpleasantness when they don't have to.

So did the cruel, abusive husband just become like that 2yrs ago? And if he didn't and there were already problems why have a child with him which means he's going to be involved to some degree for the next 16yrs?

Are you asking every woman with an abusive or arsehole husband why she had more than one kid with him?
Susu49 · 14/02/2022 16:31

Op I do think it's sad for your ex-step children but you're entitled to feel the way that you do and you don't sound like an unkind woman. Given what you've posted about how you feel, I think you're right, that a clean break is better for all.

You certainly don't need to have them to your house. Be mindful though that in future you child might want to invite them round.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

YouBelongHere · 14/02/2022 16:33

YANBU and honestly I think it depends on the relationship you have with your step-kids. I've had a step-dad and a step-mum in my life from when I was primary aged and I'm now in my 20's. I'd happily never see my step-dad again if he split with my Mum but would be upset if step-mum did not want to see me anymore.

When they're young I think it's different. And what happens when their Dad finds someone else? Do you think he will still want these hang out sessions with the kids and OP?

SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 14/02/2022 16:33

@Bonheurdupasse

Pfft people here believe there are no arseholes in the world. There are, and conversely, they didn't just become arseholes at 35 / 25 / 18 years of age, having been perfectly nice people beforehand. No, they were probably unpleasant as children as well. Biology means that their parents especially mothers will love them despite their unpleasantness / arseholness, but that's not the case with other people, who don't enjoy being subjected to unpleasant behaviour. And hence are delighted to not have anything more to do with such unpleasantness when they don't have to.
The child in question was 2 years old when OP got with her exH, and is now 8. I don’t think a toddler can be described as an arsehole personally - they don’t understand their behaviour enough.
AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 16:35

@Bonheurdupasse

You're very right to defend your space OP. I doubt I'm being cynical here as I'm imaging your ExH is missing the practical support you were giving him with his kids and wants to use you again.
Perhaps he also wants to combine all the children in one weekend so that the next weekend is free for other activities. Must get very complicated to have 3 children by 2 different women.
AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 16:36

@Sportslady44

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.
The children will all see each other at his house Op has no need to be involved in this.
LookItsMeAgain · 14/02/2022 16:36

Ok - sweeping generalisation coming up here - blokes tend to react better to being shown (in a picture) why something can't happen any more rather than be told why (verbally) so, my suggestion is quite basic and it's this.

Draw a Venn Diagram of you and him and where you intersect is the time that you spend together with your daughter.
Draw another Venn diagram of him and his other Ex, and that's the time they spend with their children.
Draw another where there your daughter and her half siblings and where they intersect is the time that they spend with the adult they have in common - their FATHER!!!!
Point out to him that you're not on the second and third diagrams but HE is!

Maybe, just maybe the penny will drop?

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:39

But if you want a pat on the back you’re not going to get it.

Not from you obviously but the vote shows most people don't think I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 14/02/2022 16:39

I feel sorry for the children but I do not think what he is suggesting is appropriate.

If the kids are struggling with your absense then it’s up to your ex to get them counselling and address that. He needs to take some responsibility here. It sounds to me like he started a relationship with you too soon after the breakup from his ex and did not put his children first

What do you think would happen if he met someone else?? Sounds to me like you would be expected to just vanish from the kids lives at that point. So you continuing to see them now does not mean there won’t be upset and confusion for them down the track.

Unless of course he is planning to never have a relationship where he introduces his kids to his partner again.
And I also think it’s very telling that he wants to hang out at your place
The additional information that he was abusive towards you seals the deal. You should not be sacrificing yourself for the sake of these kids. Their parent ie their dad should be putting in the work on himself to be a good partner in the future and to help his DC. Although frankly any sensible woman would run a mile from any guy whose 2 previous partners left him when their DC were so tiny. He sounds like a walking red flag

Pumperthepumper · 14/02/2022 16:41

@SplitStep

But if you want a pat on the back you’re not going to get it.

Not from you obviously but the vote shows most people don't think I'm unreasonable.

So it’s validation you’re after here?
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:41

And if he didn't and there were already problems why have a child with him which means he's going to be involved to some degree for the next 16yrs?

What do you want me to say to this? Things didn't seem as bad before our DC was born, looking back now I can see the issues were still there beforehand but they didn't seem as huge then.

But here we are, my child exists. I'm sure you make a point of asking every other woman on MN who leaves a relationship she's unhappy in why she had kids with him?

OP posts:
Drunkpanda · 14/02/2022 16:42

I voted yabu because I think you've had these dc in your life for some time and I don't think it's ok for an adult to just drop them - but I also don't think you should ever let your ex (in your situation) into your home so I guess I think you are in a very tricky situation.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 16:43

So it’s validation you’re after here?

So you have to follow everyone of my posts with "so.....?"

I posted for the same reason everyone else posts on here. To ask if I was being unreasonable. Most seem to think not.

You're welcome to disagree obviously.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 14/02/2022 16:43

Just reply that you think it is great that he can facilitate your child and his children to continue to bond as siblings, but for you, him and his children you think a clean break is better and less confusing for all.

Tell him to let you know if current contact days don't allow them to see each other and you will consider being flexible and changing if it is also amenable to you.