To not see them again?

[SplitStep]

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

Nahhhh. The step kids can see their half sibling when their dad has them.

No need for ‘family days’ out etc when you are no longer a family unit.

I feel doing the family things would send an even more confusing message to the children.

You crack on with your little haven.:)

No crystal ball required, just a bit of foresight and common sense.

I didn’t have children before I met my husband and neither did he because I knew I didn’t want to be a step parent.

I was with him 7 years before we had children because I felt that was long enough to know how compatible we were.

Plenty has happened to me that I couldn’t predict (mum died when I was a teen, two children with autism) etc.

But those are things you can’t predict.

You CAN predict that being a step parent will be challenging.

I think that anyone entering into a step parent relationship without really considering the existing children when so small is extremely irresponsible.

@BoredZelda

If you bothered to read my posts you'd see I've said this won't happen. I won't be living with someone and their children again nor anyone with mine. It's absolutely not a situation I ever want to be in again.

Even if you did, and the relationship ended, I can’t imagine any other scenario where people insist step fathers of a few years still continue to maintain a close relationship with their step children long after the relationship with the mother broke down. How does that work? Now your child visits one week with his father, another week with his step father? Nobody in their right mind would expect that of a step father. In fact, I dare say that step father would be considered a hero if they wanted to do that.

There was actually a thread where the OP was pissed her ex partner wouldn't take out her other kids with their joint child when they'd split and the overwhelming majority thought she was wrong to expect that of him.

You CAN predict that being a step parent will be challenging

Sigh. Predicting it will be challenging is one thing, actually dealing with it at the time is quite another. You absolutely cannot expect someone to predict every scenario and whether or not they'd be able to cope it's ludicrous to suggest this should be the case.

Families break up all the time for various reasons, some of which may have been 'predictable' had they gone through every scenario known to man and known exactly then and there how or if they'd deal with it.

Second class citizens? Ffs.
She isn’t with their father any more and she has a responsibility towards her own child. Of course to her, her own child trumps absolutely everyone else at this stage. What else would you expect??
She has given a lot of herself to the dsc and her ex already and has had enough.

Time to move on.

And as has been said multiple times, this isn't even the main reason for their breakup! Maybe OP could have coped with this totally predictable challenging behaviour if her husband hadn't been a twat in other ways making their relationship unworkable.

This isn't someone leaving just because of the step parenting situation as has been explained. That's just one thing in what seems like a list of other unrelated things.

You can predict loads of things will be challenging.

I predicted marriage would have it's challenging moments, I predicted the career I chose would have challenging moments, I predicted being a parent would be challenging.

Predictions don't really mean shit until you're actually in the situation.

Maybe OP could have coped with this totally predictable challenging behaviour if her husband hadn't been a twat in other ways making their relationship unworkable.

Exactly! He didn’t even make it worth it!
No stepparenting situation will ever be successful if the parent of those children is a twat in the first place and I firmly believe that. Op was doomed from the get go, even if the children weren’t challenging.

You were an adult that they spent time with and now you’re ghosting, not cool

@Isahlo you sound so deluded😂 do you know what ghosting means?? How the hell is the OP ghosting them when she’s literally separated from the dad. Why is no one bothering to focus that this man has split up not one but two homes yet somehow it’s the OPs fault that she doesn’t want them coming round her house to chill or to do God knows what? It doesn’t make any sense. She doesn’t have any obligation to stay in their life especially as she’s no longer with the dad. These kids have a mum. Are people missing this or something??

The comments are very bizzare. I always see people commenting ‘if you don’t want to be a step parent then leave the home/don’t stay around the kids because they know when they’re not wanted.’ OP has literally done that and is keeping a distance now it’s ‘fake it til you make it.’ Always some sort of fake outrage on here🤣

This is quite possibly the most bonkers step mum thread I have ever read on here, and that's really saying something.

@Bluebottle11

Just because they are children you shouldn’t be expected to love them; you cannot force that feeling especially if you have your own children. I don’t love my SC & both have lived with me for over 10 years. I am very fond of them but love definitely not.

Doesn't seem like the OP is even fond of hers

@SplitStep

You can predict loads of things will be challenging.

I predicted marriage would have it's challenging moments, I predicted the career I chose would have challenging moments, I predicted being a parent would be challenging.

Predictions don't really mean shit until you're actually in the situation.

But what were your feelings towards the children before you moved in with their father?

@CrappleCake Surely you realise that you don't have to have been in the exact same situation to have an educated opinion? Or do you only comment on threads which mirror your own circumstances? The whole point of a forum is for different people, with different life experiences, to share their opinions. It's not an echo chamber.

But what were your feelings towards the children before you moved in with their father?

The eldest has always been okay, I get on with them but we aren't super close. I actually spent quite a lot of time advocating for them with their parents when I thought they have unfairly favoured the younger.

The youngest was 2. I felt about them then the same I feel about any 2 year old of a friends I'd say. I don't see how people can't seem to grasp that you can feel differently about an older child who goes on to have challenging behaviour issues than when they were 2 years old.

Again this is not the sole or even main reason for me leaving. There were much bigger issues with me and H that were totally separate from anything to do with any of the children. This is just a part, one reason in with lots of other reasons, I didn't enjoy being a step parent (for the reasons I've stated).

I think that they of an age were they can understand what a divorce means. However if either are suffering emotionally, I think that you should be a part of their recovery. You do owe them that. Both of you should have considered the effect on you being in their life from so young. You say that it won't happen to your child, but your ex might repeat what's happened with you. I'm sure that you'd think that it was fair for the other adult to help if their split caused issues. I hope that your ex doesn't bring someone to meet the children, including your's, again, too soon.

It’s their parents that need to step up and help them if they have difficulty coping, not OP.

[quote Catkin8]@CrappleCake Surely you realise that you don't have to have been in the exact same situation to have an educated opinion? Or do you only comment on threads which mirror your own circumstances? The whole point of a forum is for different people, with different life experiences, to share their opinions. It's not an echo chamber.[/quote]
It really depends what situation we are talking about. Something mundane or simple? Meh probably don't need much experience to make a comment.

But yes there are lots of situations where I'd have a bit of self awareness that no I haven't actually experienced what the OP is going through and therefore no I don't have any idea how I'd cope with it or feel so I'll keep the judgement to myself.

By all means say you'd hope to be able to do X Y or Z but to think you really know anything about how a pretty major situation like this may feel or affect you when you haven't been in it is a tad ridiculous.

Fast forward a few years and your own dc could be in the same situation as your ex step children. Your ex meets a new partner who becomes step mum to your child forming a relationship and then through no fault of the child the relationship ends. You'll see a different perspective. I'm sure you'd want your child to be considered and respected.

I'm sure that you'd think that it was fair for the other adult to help if their split caused issues

Well no, I'd consider that their Dad's responsibility considering he's their parent and he brought this person into their lives (and subsequently caused them to leave). And also my responsibility by extension as their mother.

@funinthesun19

Maybe OP could have coped with this totally predictable challenging behaviour if her husband hadn't been a twat in other ways making their relationship unworkable.

Exactly! He didn’t even make it worth it!
No stepparenting situation will ever be successful if the parent of those children is a twat in the first place and I firmly believe that. Op was doomed from the get go, even if the children weren’t challenging.

Yeah, it's pretty amazing how many posters on this thread have absolutely absolved him from any responsibility in the breakup OR towards facilitating a relationship between his older children and the OP's child. Indeed, some treat him as if he didn't even exist.

Fast forward a few years and your own dc could be in the same situation as your ex step children. Your ex meets a new partner who becomes step mum to your child forming a relationship and then through no fault of the child the relationship ends. You'll see a different perspective. I'm sure you'd want your child to be considered and respected.

If anything the op will probably have a much more open mind having been in that situation herself. It’s not always as black and white as “won’t someone think if the children”. If her child’s stepmum was fleeing a bad relationship then I’m sure she would understand the need to have as much of a clean break as possible.

Yeah, it's pretty amazing how many posters on this thread have absolutely absolved him from any responsibility in the breakup OR towards facilitating a relationship between his older children and the OP's child. Indeed, some treat him as if he didn't even exist.

Always the bloody case on these threads.

Losing faith in humanity. 😣
I could never be so heartless.

OP

I applaud your calm faced with so many argumentative posts.

Your step children have two parents to prioritise them.

Your concern now that your marriage has ended is 100% is best for your child.

You felt put upon in your marriage and I commend you for dumping your nasty ex.

Keep him out of your home and definitely do not facilitate him trying to set you up to be used further.

He is probably try to set a precedent for the children spending time at yours.

There is no reason for you to mind your step children again if you do not wish to.

Push it back on him, HARD.

It is 100% HIS responsibility to facilitate the relationship of all his children.

This has NOTHING to do with you.

Do not be roped in by this man who has a nasty temper.

Do not allow him into your home under ANY circumstances.

Communicate by email only if he becomes aggressive.

You owe him NOTHING.

I can well imagine that a man who imposed on you massively will not wish to let free childcare go easily.

Simply do NOT engage or entertain him.

Stay strong and alert to being bullied and used further.

I think people are imagining the relationship between OP and her step-children to be/have been something very different from what it probably was. She's not bothered that they're mostly out of her life, now. To me, that indicates that they were never close. Even when the children are young, step-parent/step-child relationships aren't always close and warm, especially when they still have both of their actual parents active in their lives. I'd be surprised if they're that upset she's gone (though if you go prodding them on the subject, they might be temporarily convinced that they are).

Yes, keep up your own child's relationship with his/her half-siblings, but it doesn't have to stretch to regular meet-ups in her own home.