Page 14 | To not see them again?

SplitStep · 2022-02-14T13:30:18+00:00

Try to keep it short. Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon. Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier. My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them. I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

shinynewapple22 · 14/02/2022 21:45

@Gowithme

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.

Absolutely. Poor kids .

MyCatHatesEverybody · 14/02/2022 21:45

What a shame that the DC’s own parents couldn’t put their children’s needs above their own and stay together, instead of splitting up the family and forcing their poor kids to shuttle 50/50 between houses and only see their mum or dad half the time. Or does “children must ALWAYS come first” only apply to step parents?

Bearing in mind step parents are constantly told “the DCs will know you don’t like them even if you try to hide it” then what’s the point in judging OP for not wanting to commit spending time with her ExH and DSC when their own bloody parents won’t take them on joint days out together?

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:45

@Catkin8

How is this in ANY WAY the same? Of course I would never abandon my own child... They are my child

I think the fact you think this is remotely the same is really weird.

I don't think the situation is the same, my concern is that your lack of compassion for 'difficult' behaviour in young children might be the same with your own child.

Oh bog off you loon 🤣

You've never found behaviour in other children challenging? Would you assume you'd then struggle or abandon your OWN CHILD if they then displayed said behaviour? Of course it's different and in no way suggests that I'd abandon my own child just because I struggle with difficult behaviours in other peoples. Have you heard yourself.

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whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 21:47

OP, as soon as you mention the fact you were a stepmother, you’re never going to win with some posters. There’s also going to be the ones that have sacrificed and martyred themselves into their own personal hells who become genuinely angry when someone else, quite reasonably, says ‘fuck that’. How dare you choose not to suffer any more than you have already?

Good luck going forward to you both you and your child. It’s not easy to walk away and start again, even when you know it’s for the best. You should be proud of yourself.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:48

@BobbinHood

Well no. As I've said this will not be happening. I'm quite happy to say I'll never live with another man whilst my DC lives at home. This is our house. I don't want anyone else in it. It's our space.

Well that does sound like the right decision.

And yet you're arguing that I should be spending time with my ex and his kids in it?

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sunshinelover69 · 14/02/2022 21:51

Oh bog off you loon 🤣

Best response ever to nuts SM bashing post. 👏🏻

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2022 21:51

And yet you're arguing that I should be spending time with my ex and his kids in it?

It sounds absolutely suffocating. Bordering on controlling and abusive on his part.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:52

And I never said I didn't have compassion for the difficult behaviour. You have absolutely no idea what I've done to try and help or deal with it.

What I said was..

I didn't feel attached or bonded with one in particular due to difficult behaviours which my husband and his ex refused to really acknowledge or deal with

Do you have ANY idea what it's like living in a home with a challenging child when you have no say or involvement in dealing with the behaviour but the people who do choose to pretend it isn't happening? Would you enjoy that situation and just be eternally filled with compassion?

I can have compassion whilst saying it's no longer a situation I want to be involved in.

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Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:54

@sunshinelover69

Oh bog off you loon 🤣

Best response ever to nuts SM bashing post. 👏🏻

Can't be dealing with the faux concern that I may actually abandon my own child because I struggled with another child's difficult behaviour.

Absolutely insane.

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Isahlo · 14/02/2022 21:56

@SplitStep

Sure, nothing wrong at all, which is why I’m sure she’ll be thrilled when the same thing happens to her own child

If you bothered to read my posts you'd see I've said this won't happen. I won't be living with someone and their children again nor anyone with mine. It's absolutely not a situation I ever want to be in again.

You do know you’ve got no control over this happening to your child because the dad can get married again. I know you keep saying “I’ve said this won’t happen” but if your stbxh gets a new wife who’s in your two year olds life for all of their living memory and then bind them off in 3/5/10/15 years there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it

Merryoldgoat · 14/02/2022 21:58

Do you have ANY idea what it's like living in a home with a challenging child when you have no say or involvement in dealing with the behaviour but the people who do choose to pretend it isn't happening? Would you enjoy that situation and just be eternally filled with compassion?

But this is why you shouldn’t have married your EXH or had a child with him. Sorry. But that’s the reality.

I agree there’s no good to come of trying to force a relationship with the children but as an adult being introduced into their young lives you should have thought about the practicalities.

Too many people do this shit and it damages the kids it’s inflicted on.

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 22:01

But this is why you shouldn’t have married your EXH or had a child with him. Sorry. But that’s the reality.

Okay are you going to lend me your time machine then?

What do you want me to do about that? I married him when they were 2. This is a gradual situation that has got steadily worse and more obvious as they have gotten older.

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Isahlo · 14/02/2022 22:01

@Merryoldgoat

Do you have ANY idea what it's like living in a home with a challenging child when you have no say or involvement in dealing with the behaviour but the people who do choose to pretend it isn't happening? Would you enjoy that situation and just be eternally filled with compassion?

But this is why you shouldn’t have married your EXH or had a child with him. Sorry. But that’s the reality.

I agree there’s no good to come of trying to force a relationship with the children but as an adult being introduced into their young lives you should have thought about the practicalities.

Too many people do this shit and it damages the kids it’s inflicted on.

This, You were the adult. An adult that those children knew from being 2&6 years old. You were an adult that they spent time with and now you’re ghosting, not cool

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 22:01

You can't just answer everything with "you should have known before you married him". Have things in your life never changed from the day you married your husband? Your kids never changed? Life never evolved in a way you thought it wouldn't? Is it just step parents expected to have a crystal ball?

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Isahlo · 14/02/2022 22:02

@SplitStep

But this is why you shouldn’t have married your EXH or had a child with him. Sorry. But that’s the reality.

Okay are you going to lend me your time machine then?

What do you want me to do about that? I married him when they were 2. This is a gradual situation that has got steadily worse and more obvious as they have gotten older.

Acknowledge you married someone with a toddler and realise that you because of that shouldn’t ghost them/treat them as second class citizens- it’s not the kids faults theiyre “difficult”

Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 22:03

I'm not ghosting them. I said if I see them naturally I will absolutely catch up and be kind. But I'm just not going out of my way to orchestrate meetings and certainly not having everyone poking around and "coming to see" my new home.

OP posts:

Cloudfrost · 14/02/2022 22:03

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 22:04

I'm not treating them as second class citizens. I'm just treating them as someone else's children. Which they are. The only child imo I have to be concerned about above all else is my own.

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Isahlo · 14/02/2022 22:04

@SplitStep

You can't just answer everything with "you should have known before you married him". Have things in your life never changed from the day you married your husband? Your kids never changed? Life never evolved in a way you thought it wouldn't? Is it just step parents expected to have a crystal ball?

No ones saying you should know everything. But living with a kid 50% of their life from the age of 2 and then not letting them into your house, is a bit crap. Yeah you can set boundaries but you should’ve been able to foresee living with kids 50%. Of the time for over half their lives would mean you had something quite big

CrappleCake · 14/02/2022 22:06

you should’ve been able to foresee living with kids 50%. Of the time for over half their lives would mean you had something quite big

Who says it does? No one on this thread knows how these children feel. They might not care for all you know!

Catkin8 · 14/02/2022 22:07

No, I haven't experienced that, because I wouldn't put myself in that situation in the first place. I certainly wouldn't marry the father of young children who I didn't even enjoy being around! But hey, what's done is done, and at least you're going to protect your own child from a repeat of this.

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2022 22:07

You sound like an awful person. Those poor kids are no doubt emotionally scarred by the fact that their stepmother walked away and after being in their lives for so long, she wants no part in their lives

They probably aren’t that bothered unless their parents are making a big deal about it, which their father is. He needs to cut it out and concentrate on moving forward.
They have a mother so it’s not like op was their mother figure. This isn’t the big dramatic thing you’re making it out to be.

CrappleCake · 14/02/2022 22:07

This thread is BONKERS.

treat them as second class citizens

Second class to what? Her own child? Who are they being treated second class compared to?

BoredZelda · 14/02/2022 22:08

If you bothered to read my posts you'd see I've said this won't happen. I won't be living with someone and their children again nor anyone with mine. It's absolutely not a situation I ever want to be in again.

Even if you did, and the relationship ended, I can’t imagine any other scenario where people insist step fathers of a few years still continue to maintain a close relationship with their step children long after the relationship with the mother broke down. How does that work? Now your child visits one week with his father, another week with his step father? Nobody in their right mind would expect that of a step father. In fact, I dare say that step father would be considered a hero if they wanted to do that.

CrappleCake · 14/02/2022 22:09

@Catkin8

No, I haven't experienced that, because I wouldn't put myself in that situation in the first place. I certainly wouldn't marry the father of young children who I didn't even enjoy being around! But hey, what's done is done, and at least you're going to protect your own child from a repeat of this.

Oh look. Someone who's never been in this situation thinking they can dish out the do's and don'ts

I certainly wouldn't marry the father of young children who I didn't even enjoy being around!

News flash, people change. You may enjoy being around a 2 year old. There is nothing to say you will enjoy the same child at age 8 / 13 / 18.