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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 14/02/2022 20:56

OP you are not being unreasonable at all.
I’m shocked at some of the responses on here tbh. You don’t owe it to your exH to maintain a relationship between his DC with youc and his other DC.

And you also don’t have to continue relationships with people you are not comfortable with.

MN is ridiculous sometime. SMs are often vilified and told to butt out when it comes to SC. and here you are trying to get on with your life and focus on your own DC and people are calling you names for it for not maintaining a relationship with both your exH and DC - on his weekend with HIS kids and your weekend with yours! WTF!

Ignore these shitty comments, and tell DH it’s not going to happen like that.

Quincythequince · 14/02/2022 20:58

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

You sound fucking awful OP. Imo. Sure they're not your responsibility. But they've known you for 6 years. They ARE your child's siblings.
And their dad can manage that relationship accordingly.
Catkin8 · 14/02/2022 20:58

How is this in ANY WAY the same? Of course I would never abandon my own child... They are my child Confused

I think the fact you think this is remotely the same is really weird.

I don't think the situation is the same, my concern is that your lack of compassion for 'difficult' behaviour in young children might be the same with your own child.

Quincythequince · 14/02/2022 21:01

@Catkin8

How is this in ANY WAY the same? Of course I would never abandon my own child... They are my child Confused

I think the fact you think this is remotely the same is really weird.

I don't think the situation is the same, my concern is that your lack of compassion for 'difficult' behaviour in young children might be the same with your own child.

Oh give over! Honestly. That’s some serious mental gymnastics there.
Cloudfrost · 14/02/2022 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 21:03

@Catkin8

How is this in ANY WAY the same? Of course I would never abandon my own child... They are my child Confused

I think the fact you think this is remotely the same is really weird.

I don't think the situation is the same, my concern is that your lack of compassion for 'difficult' behaviour in young children might be the same with your own child.

Any difficulties OP has with her own child will be underpinned by the love she has for, and the bond she’s forged with, him. It’s clearly not the same in regards to her stepchildren.
Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 21:08

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

People acting as if you HAVE to love someone else’s kids. You really don’t and if it’s not natural what are you gonna do, force yourself? This attitude is what's really problematic. These are very young children, who deserve to have people in their life who actively care about them. That isn't OP, she's been clear about her dislike of the youngest in particular. Step back a second. This is an 8 year old who she's known for 6 years, 75% of the child's life. People are in a dreamworld to imagine there's no impact on such a young child of an adult being so blatant that they don't care. Obviously the child is better off ultimately with OP not around, but a gradual separation may mute the obvious "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU" enough to have less impact on the child's self esteem.

But if the truth is that she doesn't want to remain part of their lives, should she have to pretend?

It might sound cold to some, but realistically not everyone will love their stepkids and want to continue seeing them often. Should she pretend that she does, against her own wishes, for their benefit?

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 14/02/2022 21:13

@Nadjahomesoil - yes. Because they are young children and accordingly vulnerable, whereas OP is an adult. That's the kind of pattern loads of us work with in looking at hierarchy of needs.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2022 21:16

@Catkin8

How is this in ANY WAY the same? Of course I would never abandon my own child... They are my child Confused

I think the fact you think this is remotely the same is really weird.

I don't think the situation is the same, my concern is that your lack of compassion for 'difficult' behaviour in young children might be the same with your own child.

Oh give over. Everyone feels differently about their own kids. I'm not remotely interested in children apart from my own.
LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2022 21:22

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@Nadjahomesoil - yes. Because they are young children and accordingly vulnerable, whereas OP is an adult. That's the kind of pattern loads of us work with in looking at hierarchy of needs.[/quote]
@JustUseTheDoorSanta
But a) the children will see straight through that
And b) could it not be the case that OPs need for a clean break after a tough relationship eclipses the children’s ‘need’ for contact with her when they have two parents available to them? It might not be a need they have at all so why should
OP sacrifice her needs/wants?! Because she’s a woman and it’s what women do especially when there are children involved

BobbinHood · 14/02/2022 21:22

Calm down love, there isn't anything wrong with her wanting to move on when there doesn't seem to be a genuine relationship there

Calm down love? Alright Michael Winner. Sure, nothing wrong at all, which is why I’m sure she’ll be thrilled when the same thing happens to her own child.

BoredZelda · 14/02/2022 21:23

I feel sorry for those kids having a step mum for nearly six years who now wants nothing to do with them.

But also step mums, don’t you be thinking you should be getting close to those step kids, no, no, no, you’re not their mother, you keep your distance….

whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 21:24

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@Nadjahomesoil - yes. Because they are young children and accordingly vulnerable, whereas OP is an adult. That's the kind of pattern loads of us work with in looking at hierarchy of needs.[/quote]
And misery does love company.

It’s great that it suits you, but it doesn’t suit OP.

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 21:25

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@Nadjahomesoil - yes. Because they are young children and accordingly vulnerable, whereas OP is an adult. That's the kind of pattern loads of us work with in looking at hierarchy of needs.[/quote]

You believe that the OP should lie to the children, and put on an act? Even if it makes her unhappy?

For how many years? Should she initiate the contact?

BoredZelda · 14/02/2022 21:31

I don't think the situation is the same, my concern is that your lack of compassion for 'difficult' behaviour in young children might be the same with your own child.

The difference with your own child is you have an element of control at least in the way you deal with it and react to it.

One of the biggest things that helps me deal with the difficult phases is that my husband and I are on the same page and we can have a “bloody hell this is tough” conversation and talk with each other about how shit it is. I’m going to guess step parents generally can’t do that given how many posts we get from step mums saying they can’t talk to their partner about their SC’s difficult behaviour.

Vanderpump · 14/02/2022 21:33

@BobbinHood

Calm down love, there isn't anything wrong with her wanting to move on when there doesn't seem to be a genuine relationship there

Calm down love? Alright Michael Winner. Sure, nothing wrong at all, which is why I’m sure she’ll be thrilled when the same thing happens to her own child.

She doesn't have a positive relationship with them or their father , how do you see that progressing now they are apart?
BoredZelda · 14/02/2022 21:33

They ARE your child's siblings.

If she had no children with her partner, should she still go on fun days out with the step kids?

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:34

@BobbinHood

It sounds as if you want to move on and create your own happy family situation and that is okay

Hopefully also ok if she moves on and creates a happy family situation with a man who moves in and her 2 year old DC is there 50% of the time, for 6 years, then this man fucks off and never sees that DC ever again. Because he never really liked the child anyway and the relationship was crap anyway, but not so crap they didn’t have another child together.

Well no. As I've said this will not be happening. I'm quite happy to say I'll never live with another man whilst my DC lives at home. This is our house. I don't want anyone else in it. It's our space.
OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:37

Why do people keep going on about me not liking the kids? I never said I resented or didn't like them. I said the youngest was difficult due to challenging behaviour and because of that I haven't formed a strong bond or sense of attachment. I didn't say I hated them or disliked them. I didn't enjoy being around them because of this and I didn't form a strong connection, I didn't say dislike or resent.

I walked away which is what every step parent who feels this way is advised to bloody do on MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:39

My ex was in my eldest's life since he was 2 and for all his faults, he continues to treat him like his own child

I've never treated them like my own children. You seem to assume I've gone from being their Mum one day to nothing the next. They have a Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:41

You made their second home somewhere they weren’t welcome

Seriously how the fuck would you know how welcome I made them or not? You've seen a snapshot on a forum post. You have no idea in the grand scheme of things really do you?

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 21:42

Sure, nothing wrong at all, which is why I’m sure she’ll be thrilled when the same thing happens to her own child

If you bothered to read my posts you'd see I've said this won't happen. I won't be living with someone and their children again nor anyone with mine. It's absolutely not a situation I ever want to be in again.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 14/02/2022 21:43

Ignore the vipers op you've done the right thing setting boundaries. They have two parents and may potentially have step parents in the future, it's not your job anymore to maintain a relationship.

BobbinHood · 14/02/2022 21:43

Well no. As I've said this will not be happening. I'm quite happy to say I'll never live with another man whilst my DC lives at home. This is our house. I don't want anyone else in it. It's our space.

Well that does sound like the right decision.

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2022 21:44

Op please don’t listen to some of the responses on here.

It’s time to move forwards and onwards and upwards with your little one. Enjoy this new freedom and be happy. You said one of the reasons you wasn’t happy in the relationship was because of the stepparenting aspect so this would only breed resentment and further unhappiness. Where does it end?

As for maintaining relationships between siblings and having “family days out”. That’s your ex’s bloody job. Is he one of these men who needs his hand holding when he does something with his kids?

Boundaries op. Keep them up and keep them firm.

I have a former dsc. We maintained our relationship because they were older and we kept in touch directly and without anyone else pushing it. If dsc was little then it would have been very different.

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