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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
hellobye56 · 14/02/2022 19:24

I’ve read all of your posts OP, haven’t read the full thread though so hopefully I’m not repeating what other people have said.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! Maybe I’m biased because I honestly wouldn’t be with someone who has kids even tho I have them myself. I don’t have any energy to show interest in someone else’s kids especially if they have 50/50 share but back to the point.

If you’ve split up and will be soon be divorcing or whatever the situation is, why would you want to be chilling in the living room with ex husband and his other kids? As if everything is normal? Seriously fuck that😂 he can take your child to his house when he has his other kids so they can bond there. There’s nothing wrong with saying hi/bye to the kids or having a little catch up but why do you need to be fully invested and want to spend your time with them when you simply don’t have too?

Some of the comments I’ve seen, you’d think the OP was abusing his kids and wishing they’d die or something. People acting as if you HAVE to love someone else’s kids. You really don’t and if it’s not natural what are you gonna do, force yourself? As long as your child still has a relationship with their dad and they’re half siblings, that’s all that’s needed in my eyes. The people saying won’t you want to have a relationship with them when they’re older etc are deluded😂 honestly why would you? It makes no sense to me.

Carrying on putting your foot down and say no that’s not what you want🤷‍♀️

hellobye56 · 14/02/2022 19:26

@sunshinelover69

For fuck's sake, the kids have two parents. The OP is not one of them. How many fucking parents do they need?
Literally😂😂
waterrat · 14/02/2022 19:29

@hellobye56 I appreciate your points but thr OP did choose to settle down and have a child with a man who had very young children already. So that involves a certain adult commitment to thr wellbeing of those children.
The question here isn't whether the Op can set boundaries with her ex but what is in the best interests of those children.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 14/02/2022 19:30

You sound fucking awful OP. Imo.
Sure they're not your responsibility.
But they've known you for 6 years.
They ARE your child's siblings.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2022 19:33

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

You sound fucking awful OP. Imo. Sure they're not your responsibility. But they've known you for 6 years. They ARE your child's siblings.
@Alonelonelylonersbadidea And…? They are her child’s half siblings…and? OP isn’t proposing to stop them seeing each other or do anything actively harmful towards them, just that she doesn’t want a relationship with them…which is fine because they have a relationship with both of their PARENTS!
hellobye56 · 14/02/2022 19:34

@waterrat okay and… she married her husband and therefore committed to him. She’s played her part in the kids life during the marriage. That marriage is now over. Why does she need to carry on being in their lives when the OP has literally said one of the reasons she’s no longer with xh is because of the step parenting duties (I’m paraphrasing)

If she had a great relationship with the kids and wanted to continue being in their lives then that’s great for her. However that isn’t the case and isn’t a problem in my eyes. Is she meant to force herself to be around her ex and his kids just because she was in their lives for 6 years? Bye to that. As the pp said, the kids have two parents, how many parents do they need. Life’s tough but that’s how it is

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 14/02/2022 19:35

People acting as if you HAVE to love someone else’s kids. You really don’t and if it’s not natural what are you gonna do, force yourself?
This attitude is what's really problematic. These are very young children, who deserve to have people in their life who actively care about them. That isn't OP, she's been clear about her dislike of the youngest in particular. Step back a second. This is an 8 year old who she's known for 6 years, 75% of the child's life. People are in a dreamworld to imagine there's no impact on such a young child of an adult being so blatant that they don't care. Obviously the child is better off ultimately with OP not around, but a gradual separation may mute the obvious "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU" enough to have less impact on the child's self esteem.

hellobye56 · 14/02/2022 19:35

@waterrat and it’s not as if the kids have been asking to see her/spend time with her. Exh is the one who’s pushing for it for whatever reason. So should the OP and the kids be sitting around with faces like slapped arses just because the ex wants to have days like they used too. I don’t think so. Even if the kids did want to see her then tough🤷‍♀️

Vanderpump · 14/02/2022 19:36

It sounds as if you want to move on and create your own happy family situation and that is okay

BobbinHood · 14/02/2022 19:39

It sounds as if you want to move on and create your own happy family situation and that is okay

Hopefully also ok if she moves on and creates a happy family situation with a man who moves in and her 2 year old DC is there 50% of the time, for 6 years, then this man fucks off and never sees that DC ever again. Because he never really liked the child anyway and the relationship was crap anyway, but not so crap they didn’t have another child together.

whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 19:39

@waterrat

Children don't know the rational difference between an adult who loves them and can be relied on and one who cares for them but deep down is keen to leave. They may internalise the belief thst the op didn't love them because they are unlovable. It's ludicrous to say thst despite years in their life she can just walk away because she never really loved them

Perhaps a slow reduction of time would be fairer with the acceptance from the op thst as the children all share a sibling she could remain a figure who cares about them but sees them less as time passes

Hardly ludicrous, because that’s exactly what she is at liberty to do.

And no, it wouldn’t be fairer because that’s not what OP wants to do. You may consider it her responsibility, but that doesn’t mean that she has to, or indeed that it is.

BobbinHood · 14/02/2022 19:40

People are in a dreamworld to imagine there's no impact on such a young child of an adult being so blatant that they don't care.

Yep all these poor kids with people in and out of their lives. It’s damaging.

Momijin · 14/02/2022 19:47

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

People acting as if you HAVE to love someone else’s kids. You really don’t and if it’s not natural what are you gonna do, force yourself? This attitude is what's really problematic. These are very young children, who deserve to have people in their life who actively care about them. That isn't OP, she's been clear about her dislike of the youngest in particular. Step back a second. This is an 8 year old who she's known for 6 years, 75% of the child's life. People are in a dreamworld to imagine there's no impact on such a young child of an adult being so blatant that they don't care. Obviously the child is better off ultimately with OP not around, but a gradual separation may mute the obvious "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU" enough to have less impact on the child's self esteem.
Exactly. Noone forced her to get into a relationship with a man with children. She spent many years before also deciding to have a child with him, despite knowing all along that she didn't like his kids. And that is what isn't on.

If the kids were older, if they only saw them a few days a month, fair enough. But these are very young children who spent a large part of their lives with someone who doesn't like them. And if that was the case, op shouldn't have moved in with their father, so that's on her and noone else.

My ex was in my eldest's life since he was 2 and for all his faults, he continues to treat him like his own child.

Iwannabewherethepeopleare · 14/02/2022 19:59

You don’t have to have a relationship with them. In fact I think it’s unusual to still have a relationship like that after a divorce. However you do sound cold.

Vanderpump · 14/02/2022 20:03

@BobbinHood

It sounds as if you want to move on and create your own happy family situation and that is okay

Hopefully also ok if she moves on and creates a happy family situation with a man who moves in and her 2 year old DC is there 50% of the time, for 6 years, then this man fucks off and never sees that DC ever again. Because he never really liked the child anyway and the relationship was crap anyway, but not so crap they didn’t have another child together.

Calm down love, there isn't anything wrong with her wanting to move on when there doesn't seem to be a genuine relationship there
waterrat · 14/02/2022 20:04

Obviously she doesn't have to do anything. But you would hope that adults in a situation involving the wellbeing of children wouldn't put their own needs before those of the children. The views and feelings of the children are important whatever they are.

Undecicive · 14/02/2022 20:12

I used to adore my 'step-mum', my Dad's second wife. I'd have missed her if they broke up and I've only spent every second weekend or so witj themz

Darbs76 · 14/02/2022 20:15

It’s harsh, and yes it’s good you did walk away if you’re not prepared to be a step parent. But it’s pretty horrible to do in a kids life and then refuse to see them occasionally.

Merryoldgoat · 14/02/2022 20:23

YANBU but you had no business marrying a man with children and having a child with him if you didn’t like his child.

You made their second home somewhere they weren’t welcome. You’re not that good an actor - they’d have known. That’s despicable.

And you wonder why his child is difficult?

They’re well rid of you.

lavender2022 · 14/02/2022 20:37

Well, damn.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable in terms of wanting to cut all ties.

But do I think OP is being unreasonable in terms of how she feels about the youngest SDC, continuing to cohabit and continue the relationship with the father of SDC, go on to have a child with father of SDC and then just discard both SDC's because it no longer suited her? Yeah. That's cold.

Not saying that I dispute there were issues years prior. But if that's the case, OP should have left ages ago. Not waited until the 2yo was 8. That's 6 whole years.

Additionally, these children spent 50% of their time with OP. That's what does it for me tbh. If it was only ever other weekend, fine. I wouldn't feel that OP was being unreasonable at all and would not feel as though this would affect SDC in any way shape or form. But 50% of the time? That's 2 weeks per month. That's 6 months per year. For the youngest SDC, that's 3 whole years. 😩

Nope. I can't get behind this. 🤦‍♀️

whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 20:42

@waterrat

Obviously she doesn't have to do anything. But you would hope that adults in a situation involving the wellbeing of children wouldn't put their own needs before those of the children. The views and feelings of the children are important whatever they are.
Why? Sometimes people NEED to put their own needs first, even above the needs of children. There is nothing wrong with that. People, and women especially, should not be expected to be all sacrificing all the time, martyring themselves always in the name of ‘but what about the children!?’.

The OP has removed herself from a situation that made her deeply unhappy. There’s no way on earth she should subject herself to more of the same.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2022 20:48

@whumpthereitis completely agree

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2022 20:52

Oh for Heaven's sake!!!! OP isn't casting these children into the Hinterlands of Siberia!

She's simply saying that she isn't going to be having 'playdates' or entertaining them along with her ex in her new home!

She knows she will see them and speak to them from time to time in connection with the drop off and pick up of her own child and that birthdays and such will include all the children. That's a natural and normal state of affairs. I'm sure that the majority of families involving stepDC that split do it the same way.

BlondeWidow · 14/02/2022 20:54

That's disgusting. Living up to the wicked stepmother stereotype. My god

Don't you care about them at all?????

ESGdance · 14/02/2022 20:55

Not sure if we have any indication of the children actually want or need?

Do they want to actually hang with the OP?
Sounds like relations were strained?
Do they need the OP in their life?

I believe DCs need kindness and respect and a an appropriate transition but they don’t need someone in their life who is indifferent to them - they will know - and the OP shouldn’t feel obliged to feel anything other than her own authentic reality and act on it accordingly.