Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 18:17

I do find it a tad amusing that you are very certain in future you will not date men with children - any man who dates you, will have to be more open minded than you are.

I am aware of that. Which is why I also went on to say if I ever did date I would keep it separate from DC until they were older / leaving home. I do not want to live with anyone, them with my child or me with theirs ever again

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 18:20

Your their stepmum, did you not love them?

Truthfully? No I don't love them. I obviously don't hate them or even dislike them, they are children. But I don't love them no.

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 14/02/2022 18:23

OP it's utterly refreshing to hear someone like you.

Step patenting is not like a hallmark movie.

You are correct, stand firm. You married a man who unfortunately turned out to be not who you thought he was, happens to the best of us. Why on earth would you have his children over to chill. They're not yours and now no longer your responsibility. Take care OP there will always be people who disagree xx

Bluebottle11 · 14/02/2022 18:24

Just because they are children you shouldn’t be expected to love them; you cannot force that feeling especially if you have your own children. I don’t love my SC & both have lived with me for over 10 years. I am very fond of them but love definitely not.

Squirrelblanket · 14/02/2022 18:30

My parents divorced when I was 3 and when I was 7/8 they both remarried. I'm close to my mum and my dad but not to either of my 'step parents'. I don't love either of them. 🤷🏻‍♀️ So you can all just calm down with the Hallmark s*.

You are fine OP. Stand up for what you want.

Isahlo · 14/02/2022 18:31

I mean you can do whatever you want, but I think you’re being pretty shitty to go almost NC with an eight year old who lived 50/50 with you for almost all of their living memory tbh

Truthlikeness · 14/02/2022 18:36

My exH had a 3 year old daughter when we met. She was 8 when he cheated and left for another woman. I didn't maintain a relationship with her.

I wasn't going to say anything negative about her father in front of her, but at the same time, I couldn't bear to listen to anything she might have said about him and the other woman. It was a very difficult time for me and I had to protect my own mental health. I also didn't see a place for me in her life. She had a mother and a father and a new stepmother already.

She'd be 23 now. I do wonder about her from time to time.

HAF1119 · 14/02/2022 18:40

I agree with you, with some exceptions.. I think that Christmas for your DC would be his responsibility to have the siblings all together etc

For your DC birthdays the ideal for your DC would be to have a party with their siblings and both parents in attendance and getting along with each other. E.g. a hall hired with a high number of guests - small outings for birthday again separate

Your ex is the one who had all children, their time together would be with him, whilst I think you may have pleasantries if passing on drop offs/in attendance at the same event, beyond that is not necessary and would be a bit confusing I think!

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 18:50

I think people are being extremely harsh on the op here.

I think there are many many other women who would feel the same.

And the dramatics about them losing their sibling - that has nothing to do with the op. Their Dad is responsible for facilitating a relationship between his 3 children.

Original poster
SplitStep · 14/02/2022 18:55

And the dramatics about them losing their sibling

Right?! PP accused me of "taking away their little sibling"... I think they are forgetting they'll still be seeing them at their Dad's?!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2022 18:55

Why would she love her stepchildren? No step parent is under any obligation to love their step children and it’s really not needed especially in cases like this when the children have two parents. So long as a step parent treats their step children with kindness and respect, they absolutely do not need their parent’s partner to love them- that’s their parents job.
You are not being unreasonable OP

whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 18:58

Another high five from me, OP. I don’t think you’re cold at all, but if you are I wouldn’t class it as being any sort of negative. ‘You’re cold!’ Is a label to throw at someone to shame them into complying. Fuck that, tbh.

Women are too often forced and/or shamed into self sacrificing care roles, no matter how unhappy it may make them. You extricated yourself from a situation that made you miserable, why would you invite that back into your life? I commend you for having the strength to say no to that, for having clear boundaries and sticking to them.

Londondreams1 · 14/02/2022 19:00

If my children had half siblings I would probably try to facilitate their relationship,
But I think you’re right to be protective of your time and home.

Londondreams1 · 14/02/2022 19:02

Oh just saw that your child sees them at their dad’s in which case yanbu

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 19:02

@SplitStep

And the dramatics about them losing their sibling

Right?! PP accused me of "taking away their little sibling"... I think they are forgetting they'll still be seeing them at their Dad's?!

You're not taking away their sibling. Your Ex is their parent too, and is responsible for making sure they have a relationship.

There's definitely some internalised misogyny in placing more responsibility on a woman's shoulders for this.

Worldwide2 · 14/02/2022 19:05

Some of the replies on here are completely batshit.
Op enjoy your new life with your child. You are no longer stepmum so you don't have to play that role. I'm sure if your ex gets a new woman I don't think he will want to spend time at yours with his kids. That will be cut pretty quickly and people on here would say you would have no right to see them anyway.

bonetiredwithtwins · 14/02/2022 19:09

They formed a relationship with you whether you like it or not. That was the responsibility you took on when you married your ex and had a child with him

Grapewrath · 14/02/2022 19:09

I don’t think yabu.
The kids are not yours and while maintaining a pleasant relationship is nice, as they are your child’s siblings, it’s not an obligation
I often think it’s tricky with step parents as the ex moves on and may meet another partner and then where would it end.

MzHz · 14/02/2022 19:12

@Sux2Buthen

I've made it clear to my SS that he is welcome here anytime. We shared a home from him being 8-15 and it was a 50/50 split. It would seem like his childhood and family were a lie if I tried to cut him out like that. I give him no pressure, I text him from time to time, tell him he's welcome and when he does pop round I'm always glad to see him as are his half siblings.
But that is contact on your terms. You have a good relationship with your exes kids.

@SplitStep doesn’t have that level of relationship with her exes kids. She’s not going to be rude to them or blank them, merely she doesn’t want to entertain ex in the “look what a SuperDad I am show” she’s not stopping her dc having a relationship with their siblings, shes just not “my door is open” because ExH will come stomping through it too.

Gnomechomsky · 14/02/2022 19:13

OP I've had 2 step- parents walk away, did it do me any harm, no.
I think back on them fondly and remember the good times. They were never my primary carers and tbh both lovely men.
I'm a step-mum and DSS will always be in my life regardless of my relationship with his Dad but I am his Mum now ( his mother has long gone), he is my son, DH works away for months at a time so for many months of many years I was his soul parent. He is grown and still lives at home.
If you would have asked me prior to being his 'Mum' I would have said no.
Our relationship is different, but I do understand your struggle and reasons, do what you need to do for you and your child.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/02/2022 19:14

In your place Op I'd want to know whether ANY of this is actually coming from the DC , just because you lived together doesn't mean the DC want to see you anymore than you want to see them. How many women on MN have abusive DH's (and since the Op talks about his nasty temper, he sounds abusive )who suddenly want to be Mr Nice Guy once a women has enough and leaves them? What better way to keep close to her than saying the DC want to see her?
All the posters saying you're cold don't seem to have thought about how you can keep a relationship with the DC without seeing their DF. They'd be outraged if you went behind the DP's back to contact the DC but apart from seeing him you can't see the DC. I'd be very wary in your position, I can't help but think it's not about his DC, it's about what he wants

CandyFloss31 · 14/02/2022 19:17

I voted YABU because I think it’s appalling that you could drop an 8yo like this. Having said that, if this is honesty how you feel, perhaps the child is better with you out of their life. Children know when they aren’t wanted.

SpiderVersed · 14/02/2022 19:18

Oh for god's sake, the OP isn't "taking away their sibling."

She and their father are divorcing. The stepchildren will see their toddler sibling when they are together at their father's, so presumably no less often than before.

If the OP doesn't have a loving relationship with her former stepchildren, I don't imagine they will be traumatised by her not being in their lives. Had she bonded with them and had a strong caring relationship then of course it would be damaging to cut that off cold turkey.

People are projecting a Hallmark card loving relationship that the OP is cruelly turning her back on.

This isn't the case.

OP, you have a right to your boundaries.

waterrat · 14/02/2022 19:19

How can an adult have no responsibility for children they lived with for years ? In q family role? Where is the child centred focus here? How do the children feel about this has anyone asked them ?

Losing a parent figure out of the blue could ge deeply distressing. It could be distressing even if the children aren't totally aware of how much it has affected them. I have a friend whose step mum walked out when she was 10 aftet several years and as an adult she was still affected by by abandonment. Because it was a step parent they had just not known how to navigate thr following years.

We are all connected as humans and adults sometimes have to out their needs second to children's. The op chose to have a child with a man who had children and there are life long responsibilities that come with that decision.

waterrat · 14/02/2022 19:22

Children don't know the rational difference between an adult who loves them and can be relied on and one who cares for them but deep down is keen to leave. They may internalise the belief thst the op didn't love them because they are unlovable. It's ludicrous to say thst despite years in their life she can just walk away because she never really loved them

Perhaps a slow reduction of time would be fairer with the acceptance from the op thst as the children all share a sibling she could remain a figure who cares about them but sees them less as time passes

Swipe left for the next trending thread