Page 9 | To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 14:50

@alfayruz

Also, anyone who receives an engagement ring is deemed materialistic and ‘all about the bling.’ More than once, I have seen engagement rings described as ‘markers of chattel.’

According to MN, you are supposed to ‘sit him down at the table’ apparently. Like a business meeting.

Lmao this is so true, and if he hasn't proposed within 3 years, he's never going to apparently

icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 14:55

@LawnFever

Oh and I find it utterly ridiculous when couples get as far as buying a ring together but insist on ‘a proposal’ - years ago someone I worked with did that and I virtually laughed at her in surprise at the ridiculousness of the situation

Some people do go waaay over board, my sisters friends got engaged, they went to New York specifically to get engaged.. they told everybody that they were going to New York to get engaged and then when it happened they spent the whole day phoning people telling them they were engaged....

No shock that they are now in an unhappy marriage

Original poster

alfayruz · 14/02/2022 14:57

“. they told everybody that they were going to New York to get engaged and then when it happened they spent the whole day phoning people telling them they were engaged.... “

Yeah, that’s weird. Couldn’t be doing with that.

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DrSbaitso · 14/02/2022 14:58

It's weird to phone your friends and family to tell them you're engaged?

Original poster

alfayruz · 14/02/2022 15:08

No, I mean it’s a bit weird to go somewhere with both of you knowing you’re going to get engaged. Very staged. Probably it was for Instagram or something? Everything seems to be for Instagram these days.

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BeyondMyWits · 14/02/2022 15:12

One year in, I said I'd want to be married before having kids. He said "will you marry me"... done.

aloris · 14/02/2022 15:22

I like a hybrid approach. I think that at some point during dating, the couple should be having discussions about whether they would be a good match for each other for marriage. Do they have similar ideas about having children, raising children, religion, fidelity, etc. If one member of the couple wants to be in a marriage within, say, a couple of years, while the other is happy to keep dating indefinitely, then the one who is looking for marriage can then know that they are not in a suitable match and can exit, and move on to finding a better match. If they are both interested in marriage, then, by discussing it, they can know that they are a possible good match for each other and can then explore that more completely. If neither is interested in marriage and they want to just keep dating, then that's fine too.

Every couple can make their own decisions. Personally I do not think I would propose to a man, but if we were dating seriously and he seemed to be taking "too long" then I don't know if I would try to put pressure on him. I would be worried that being pressured into proposing would signal he was not really that interested in marrying me. But I also wouldn't feel obligated to stay in the relationship while he took his sweet time and enjoyed my attention and care. I would probably move on, i.e. break up and look for someone else.

I feel that many of the threads on this board indicate that sleeping with a man, without the financial protection of marriage, can place a woman in a very difficult position if she becomes pregnant while they are unmarried. This seems to have happened even to women who were in long term relationships with men who said they were totally committed to the relationship. Where the man showed his true (stingy, or selfish) colors after children arrived, or the couple were together for many years without marriage and then the relationship broke down and the woman was left with no legal right to the home or savings because they were unmarried. So, personally, I would not want a relationship to go on so long that I "ended up" having children with the man, but without the financial protections of marriage.

nokidshere · 14/02/2022 15:25

DH didn't propose to me nor I him. We lived together and had discussed being married occasionally. The only thing set in stone was that I wanted to be married before having children.

In 1987 we booked a holiday to Portugal and I suggested we could turn it into a honeymoon so that's what we did.

I ended up not getting pregnant till 21yrs later so we could have taken more time with hindsight.

DrSbaitso · 14/02/2022 15:38

@alfayruz

No, I mean it’s a bit weird to go somewhere with both of you knowing you’re going to get engaged. Very staged. Probably it was for Instagram or something? Everything seems to be for Instagram these days.

Is it?

My brother and his girlfriend went to Paris. She sort of guessed he was going to propose; they'd made it clear they were in each others' plans. They had a happy moment and then phoned us to tell us. It was nice. Nobody in the family thought it was weird at all. Staged for whom? The life partner he loved? Why is it so hard to believe that he did it because he wanted to, and she enjoyed it? Why the assumption that they were trying to impress anyone?

It was also long before Instagram. Facebook was barely a thing. I'm sure they'd still be married if he'd lived.

Original poster

alfayruz · 14/02/2022 15:44

I think guessing or having a strong suspicion is fine. Probably most women do. That’s very different to “let’s go to x place. I’ll stand here and say this script. You stand there and look amazed. Make sure it’s filmed at the right angle....”

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DrSbaitso · 14/02/2022 15:47

@alfayruz

I think guessing or having a strong suspicion is fine. Probably most women do. That’s very different to “let’s go to x place. I’ll stand here and say this script. You stand there and look amazed. Make sure it’s filmed at the right angle....”

I know this is MN, so everyone knows a load of people who obviously got their proposal staged by Steven Spielberg so they could be Instagram perfect, but in real life, I don't think it usually goes that way. They may take some photos to mark the occasion.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 14/02/2022 15:50

Me and DH, as a pair of equal adults who could see ourselves in a long term relationship, agreed to get married. There was no proposal. I remember someone at the time giggling and saying I’d done myself out of a “romantic proposal” with my feminism…🤦🏻‍♀️ I simply can’t fathom why anyone in this day an age would sit for a proposal, it’s madness.

CoalCraft · 14/02/2022 15:58

I know a woman who proposed to her now-husband in the most traditional way imaginable, but for the sexes. She rang his mother for her "blessing", took him out for a lovely meal, got down on one knee and presented him with an engagement watch.

Good for her! Why the hell should women be expected to wait around for when they already know they want to get married?

As for me and DH, neither of us proposed. I turned and said to him one day "do you think we should get married at some point?" and he said "yeah, how about summer [year]", then we went together to get engagement gifts for each other. I'd have hated a public proposal, to not get to choose my own ring, and to be forever waiting - what a waste of time.

As for your points 2) and 3), OP, sorry but I don't relate at all. It seems like you think men and women have fundamentally different roles in relationships and for me that's just archaic. My DH is my equal partner and my attraction towards him isn't based on old-fashioned ideals about what... Chivalry? We make decisions together.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 14/02/2022 16:00

Performative feminism, now I really have heard it 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hardly, it was a chat on the sofa on a Friday night…no one was watching…

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 14/02/2022 16:03

@alfayruz

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

Nobody in actual real life does this
Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?
Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

YABVU. You are stuck in a 1950s mindset but expecting 2020s benefits.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 14/02/2022 16:05

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Does this equate with never telling our partners what we actually want, but reserving the right to get all pissed off and flounce/mete out the silent treatment when we don't get it?

Unless people expect their partners to be mind-readers they need to tell them what they want. This singular inability to communicate something so basic really isn't a good foundation for a marriage. As for 'waiting' for a proposal, no thanks. There are other things going on in life.

^This

TimBoothseyes · 14/02/2022 16:11

Well the "proposal" in this house went like this

Him " We've been together 16 years now, how do you feel about marriage?"

Me " Not too fussed if I'm honest, been there, done that don't really want to again"

Him " Civil partnership then?"

Me " Oh go on then that'll do"

I think I would have sent him packing if he'd done the whole down on 1 knee, engagement ring in hand stuff. That just smacks of desperation to me.

Original poster

alfayruz · 14/02/2022 16:14

“I think I would have sent him packing if he'd done the whole down on 1 knee, engagement ring in hand stuff. That just smacks of desperation to me.”

Why?

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icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 16:15

Tbh I do understand what everyone's saying about it being 2022 and why wait around for him to decide and bla bla bla, but I've seen so many people be proposed to in nice thoughtful ways and damnit I'm not ashamed to say that I want that too! It's fine if you aren't bothered by that, but I personally would like to be proposed to in a nice thoughtful way 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't think we should shame people for wanting that. Either sex can propose obviously, I personally would rather not

Nikkiten · 14/02/2022 16:17

YANBU!! Most men I know would go along with a proposal even if they didn’t want to get married because they are all a bit spineless. So I dont think it’s a good idea, sadly I think the answer usually is that it if they want to marry you they would have proposed.

icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 16:17

I also think a lot of posts about how posters didn't wait around for him and just had the conversation with him, scream 'not like other girls' .. I mean I read something a few days ago on a post where someone said when they got married they went to a registry office on their lunch break and then went back to work after! And apparently that was supposed to show it meant more to them than a big extravagant wedding! :S

TimBoothseyes · 14/02/2022 16:18

@alfayruz

“I think I would have sent him packing if he'd done the whole down on 1 knee, engagement ring in hand stuff. That just smacks of desperation to me.”

Why?

Because it gives off a vibe of "look at me on my knees begging and I've got you this ring so you must say yes".

Bouledeneige · 14/02/2022 16:21

My XH and I just agreed to do it one day. We'd bought a house together and we're starting to talk about having kids and it seemed like the logical next step. We didn't get engaged and I didn't have an engagement ring. We had a registry office wedding but a large ish reception. It was our style really. We'd been together many years - I think 8 - for the most of it doing long distance so we always had to be very open and honest and talk things through.

Didn't last. But not because of the absence of a proposal.

SarahJessicaPorker · 14/02/2022 16:22

@CoalCraft

I know a woman who proposed to her now-husband in the most traditional way imaginable, but for the sexes. She rang his mother for her "blessing", took him out for a lovely meal, got down on one knee and presented him with an engagement watch.

Good for her! Why the hell should women be expected to wait around for when they already know they want to get married?

As for me and DH, neither of us proposed. I turned and said to him one day "do you think we should get married at some point?" and he said "yeah, how about summer [year]", then we went together to get engagement gifts for each other. I'd have hated a public proposal, to not get to choose my own ring, and to be forever waiting - what a waste of time.

As for your points 2) and 3), OP, sorry but I don't relate at all. It seems like you think men and women have fundamentally different roles in relationships and for me that's just archaic. My DH is my equal partner and my attraction towards him isn't based on old-fashioned ideals about what... Chivalry? We make decisions together.

Good for your friend, definitely! I agree, why should women have to wait around when they know they want to get married? The man is free to say no.

We didn't do a proposal either, but I don't especially mind other people doing them; big public and fancy, small and intimate, man, woman, whatever. The only thing I've heard on this thread that I'd have been wtf? about was the woman who arranged her wedding without telling her boyfriend . That's a but scary and I'd have run a mile if my dh had done similar

CoalCraft · 14/02/2022 16:23

@icannotbebothered

Tbh I do understand what everyone's saying about it being 2022 and why wait around for him to decide and bla bla bla, but I've seen so many people be proposed to in nice thoughtful ways and damnit I'm not ashamed to say that I want that too! It's fine if you aren't bothered by that, but I personally would like to be proposed to in a nice thoughtful way 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't think we should shame people for wanting that. Either sex can propose obviously, I personally would rather not

But what if your would-be would also like to be proposed to in a nice, thoughtful way and is hoping that happens to him? Are you just completely incompatible, even if he's otherwise perfect?