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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

691 replies

alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:12

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 14/02/2022 16:25

No big proposal here. Just two adults who decided that we wanted to get married.
We then booked the first available slot at the registry office and asked our parents to be witnesses.

It was bloody perfect ❤️

SpinsForGin · 14/02/2022 16:26

Oh and my engagement ring was a first anniversary present.

HelloFrostyMorning · 14/02/2022 16:36

@AlexaShutUp

For me, flowers and chocolates every now and then wouldn't really make up for treating me as a second class citizen the rest of the time, which is what I often observe. These rituals are a weird way of placating women while keeping them in their place.

I never get this comment. The two are not mutually exclusive you know!

Just because a man make a fuss on Valentines Day, that doesn't mean he's a horrible aggressive misogynist pig the rest of the year, and his 'nice side' only ever comes out on bloody Valentines Day. Hmm I always find this attitude most odd.

'Oh I want a man to treat me like the amazing feisty, uber-cool boss bitch babe I am all year round, NOT just Valentines Day!'

Where does this bizarre attitude come from, that men who buy a gift and card on Valentines Day, show fuck-all affection and make fuck-all effort the for rest of the year? Confused If anything, IME, a man who makes a fuss for Valentines Day, anniversary, birthday etc, is MORE likely to be a loving, caring partner all year round - not less.

I think we have a few women here who never get a Valentines Card or flowers and chocolates etc, and they're a wee bit stung about it. Hence the 'hmph! I don't need any flowers and a silly card from MY man to prove he loves me! MY man shows it all year round!'

Well sorry to disappoint you, but guess what? So do a LOT of men who DO get chocolates and flowers and a card for their woman on Valentines Day.

RantyAunty · 14/02/2022 16:36

Many don't do this but if you want to get married, work all that out before buying a house and having children.

If you're worried about them being scared off with your relationship requirements, the guy needs to be scared off.

It does take good boundaries to do this and not just go along hoping that eventually he'll propose.

icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 16:37

@CoalCraft no of course not, but I imagine that is a fairly rare scenario.. personally though, me and my partner did have the conversation fairly early on, I asked him if he'd like to be proposed to and he said no he'd want to do it himself, that's fine and works for me.. I wouldn't judge a couple who did it the other way round though

TheFlyHalfsMum · 14/02/2022 16:45

Laughing my head off now because me and DH don’t do valentines or anniversary presents either…what a great big cliché I’ve accidentally become. I just can’t be arsed with that stuff…fair play if anyone else likes it, but meh…

Do the people who like proposals and hearts and flowers, think the people who aren’t bothered about proposals and hearts and flowers secretly wish they had them?! That’s the only way I can interpret the snidey comments?

Because for me, at least, it’s not a cover, I hate faff, romantic stuff irritates me 😳 but I have a very happy, harmonious marriage. Also, full disclosure, DH LOVES shopping for me, so I need to keep him restricted to birthdays and Christmas only…🤣

HelloFrostyMorning · 14/02/2022 16:56

@TheFlyHalfsMum

That's fine. Whatever works for you.

What I find odd, is when women sneer, and turn their nose up at a woman who has got a card/flowers/a gift from their husband for Valentine's Day, with the predictable, catty, shitty line 'I don't need shit like that. I want a man who loves and respects me and treats me well all year round, not just Valentine's Day!' As if the man buying the gifts/card/flowers shows fuck all interest any other time of the year.

It's such a stupid obnoxious comment, and always comes exclusively from women who get fuck all off their man for Valentine's Day, and they are bitter and jealous.

Not saying ALL women are bitter and jealous, but the ones who spew out bile and nasty remarks like what I mentioned, sure fucking are! Wink

Also, as I said, men who make a fuss on Valentines Day are MORE likely to show they care all year round - not less!

SpinsForGin · 14/02/2022 16:57

Not wanting a big proposal/wedding doesn't necessarily mean you don't like hearts and flowers.....

We discussed getting married and just booked the registry office. No proposal and I let 2 witnesses. However, we do celebrate our anniversary and go for traditional presents ... it's a great challenge and we've been quite creative over the years. We also do Valentine's Day.

SpinsForGin · 14/02/2022 16:59

*and just two witnesses

TheFlyHalfsMum · 14/02/2022 17:00

I’ve literally never seen that attitude @HelloFrostyMorning 🤷🏻‍♀️

We had a big wedding @SpinsForGin but DH organised almost all of it…I basically just bought a dress and sorted the bridesmaids. Maybe I’m just weird…🤣

SpinsForGin · 14/02/2022 17:02

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@TheFlyHalfsMum

That's fine. Whatever works for you.

What I find odd, is when women sneer, and turn their nose up at a woman who has got a card/flowers/a gift from their husband for Valentine's Day, with the predictable, catty, shitty line 'I don't need shit like that. I want a man who loves and respects me and treats me well all year round, not just Valentine's Day!' As if the man buying the gifts/card/flowers shows fuck all interest any other time of the year.

It's such a stupid obnoxious comment, and always comes exclusively from women who get fuck all off their man for Valentine's Day, and they are bitter and jealous.

Not saying ALL women are bitter and jealous, but the ones who spew out bile and nasty remarks like what I mentioned, sure fucking are! Wink

Also, as I said, men who make a fuss on Valentines Day are MORE likely to show they care all year round - not less![/quote]
There's been a lot of this today ...... it's so depressing and predictable

SpinsForGin · 14/02/2022 17:03

@TheFlyHalfsMum

I’ve literally never seen that attitude *@HelloFrostyMorning* 🤷🏻‍♀️

We had a big wedding @SpinsForGin but DH organised almost all of it…I basically just bought a dress and sorted the bridesmaids. Maybe I’m just weird…🤣

That's the point though.... there are no rules! The stereotypes of women wanting a proposal and then organising the big wedding just don't tong true anymore. We all chose our own way!
Butchyrestingface · 14/02/2022 17:07

I'm not surprised you turned the voting off for one of the most ridiculous OPs I've seen on this site.

Screaming-in-the-Sistine-Chapel ain't got nothing on this.

NoWordForFluffy · 14/02/2022 17:08

@TheFlyHalfsMum

Performative feminism, now I really have heard it 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hardly, it was a chat on the sofa on a Friday night…no one was watching…
I sent DH a text saying, 'Are we getting married or what?' To which he replied, 'I suppose so!' Understated. Grin
thewhatsit · 14/02/2022 17:09

@lumpofcomfort

I posted my surprise on the thread. I'm not married and have never had a proposal but every single couple I know that married there was a proposal involved and 99% of the time the man proposed to the woman. On MN nobody has a proposal, they just sat down one night and agreed they would get married then went back to watching Netflix or whatever.
This is pretty much exactly how we decided to get married.

Yes I would say that the majority of married women I know were proposed to (more like 60% not 99% though) but actually the vast majority of them knew it was coming and it had been discussed before hand like adults. The proposal was simply a bit of theatre that presumably both parties wanted to perform.

I find the idea of the woman wanting to get married but not feeling like she can ask or talk about it and the man deciding in his own time when he is ready.. not discussing it at all but then planning a proposal all whilst the woman is in the dark actually really quite weird. It’s not how we expect to decide other big life changes or commitments is it? We discussed getting married in the same way we discussed having children or buying our house.

TimBoothseyes · 14/02/2022 17:12

Also, as I said, men who make a fuss on Valentines Day are MORE likely to show they care all year round - not less!

Not IME

lumpofcomfort · 14/02/2022 17:13

Yes, most people I know discussed it first. There was still a proposal though. I didn't know it was such a thing to just mutually talk about it one night and have it all decided. DP and I have been together 20 years so if we ever got married at this point it would be a discussion on the sofa kind of thing. I haven't encountered this with any other people I know who've got engaged though who mostly did it when they were younger or been together less time. Whenever someone gets engaged they always seem to want to share the story of the proposal!

thepeopleversuswork · 14/02/2022 17:15

@TimBoothseyes

Well the "proposal" in this house went like this

Him " We've been together 16 years now, how do you feel about marriage?"

Me " Not too fussed if I'm honest, been there, done that don't really want to again"

Him " Civil partnership then?"

Me " Oh go on then that'll do"

I think I would have sent him packing if he'd done the whole down on 1 knee, engagement ring in hand stuff. That just smacks of desperation to me.

I also would find a “down on the knee, engagement ring in a box” proposal hideously naff and pressured.

Think if this ever happened to me I would probably ask him to do it again but minus the cringeworthy trappings.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 14/02/2022 17:18

@NoWordForFluffy love it!

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 14/02/2022 17:26

I honestly think the op is Bonkers. What the hell happened to wanting equality? My husband (ten years married shortly) and I had a brilliant conversation about getting married together one day. We then went on to get married, as you do. I treasure that conversation. I treasure my husband.

thewhatsit · 14/02/2022 17:33

Some people do go waaay over board, my sisters friends got engaged, they went to New York specifically to get engaged.. they told everybody that they were going to New York to get engaged and then when it happened they spent the whole day phoning people telling them they were engaged...
@icannotbebothered

I also find this quite funny. I must be missing the romantic gene because I don’t understand what being engaged even really means in a case like that.. if they’d decided to get married, picked a ring, told people they were getting engaged, booked a flight were they not already basically engaged…??
When DH and I decided to get married - we’d known we would for ages but one day decided to just pick a date and book it - I did have one or two people congratulate me on being engaged and I always felt like that didn’t really apply in my case. I was no more convinced that we’d get married after we’d had that discussion than before we’d had that discussion, all that changed was that we had a date set with the register office.

@lumpofcomfort yes I also remember couples being very keen to tell me their engagement story but now I don’t find it happens that much. I feel like in my social group it was the couples that got engaged in their twenties were more likely to have a traditional proposal and to enjoy telling that story and those that got engaged/ married a bit older were less likely to have that? Perhaps because slightly older couples are more likely to want to have frank discussions earlier due to wanting children fairly soon, or the fact that they were more likely to be buying property or to already own property so again, frankly discussions earlier unlike the couples who meet when they are younger and don’t see children or getting on the property ladder as such an immediate goal.

Skeam · 14/02/2022 17:34

@TimBoothseyes

Also, as I said, men who make a fuss on Valentines Day are MORE likely to show they care all year round - not less!

Not IME

Not IME, either, it just means that they dutifully perform godawful Hallmark clichés that everyone else is rolling their eyes skyward at.

Or they think those Milk Tray ads with the man in black abseiling into bedrooms with his chocs is a documentary on ‘Wooing for Men’.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/02/2022 17:40

I wanted the shiny ring 🤷 so like heck was I gonna propose to him!

ThAtSnOtMynAm · 14/02/2022 17:51

Whenever I see a women propose it really makes me think "oh god she's desperate" completely agree with OP

Throckmorton · 14/02/2022 18:39

Fucking hell there is some spectacular crap being talked on here! A man is pathetic if he does not propose and a woman is desperate if she does propose?! Thank fuck most people I know don't believe in such sexist shite

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