To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

[alfayruz]

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

1. Nobody in actual real life does this

2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

but its not attention from your partner, its so you can instagram how wonderful he is, and how he got doves to fly out at the exact moment you said yes, and how he magically knew what ring you wanted and size (because you had prepped your friends in advance) and how it was a huge surprise that you were expecting

Personally? I dont like it as its all about control. The film Bride Wars shows it quite well I think, Liv is desperate to be proposed to, and he knows and he waits and waits and all the time she's going crazy.

OP you obviously go for a certain type of alpha male, and that's fine. We're not all the same, and clearly some women propose to men, so you are wrong on that point.
Feeling a little sorry for your husband though, why don't you get him gifts? I don't think it's a "fact" at all that men get women gifts today and not the other way around.
And the 1950s thing, you know what they say, if the cap fits...

OP have you even accepted yet that your first point was wrong, as many woman have been the ones to propose?
I enjoyed planning my proposal to dh. No loss of attraction there! Maybe I just like to be in control of the big stuff in my life.

@alfayruz

Alexa, I think, in relationships, people ‘take the lead’ in different ways. Your husband proposing to you is hardly a reason to feel diminished as a woman. My husband gave me a diamond ring when he proposed - well, I could hardly give him a diamond ring could I? He’s just given me flowers this morning. Is the fact men tend to give women flowers or gifts today and not the other way round patriarchal as well? It’s ok to have differences and celebrate that and not worry about such things.

No, I would not be diminished as a woman if a man proposed to me, but do you think a man would be diminished if it happened the other way round? I wouldn't be interested in a man who felt like that personally.

If gifts are only given in one direction on Valentines day, I find that a bit weird. Most modern couples I know either give stuff to each other or don't bother at all because they think the whole thing is just commercial. For me, flowers and chocolates every now and then wouldn't really make up for treating me as a second class citizen the rest of the time, which is what I often observe. These rituals are a weird way of placating women while keeping them in their place.

Clearly, some women are quite happy to stay in their place and "not worry about such things". However, some of us don't feel that flowers and romance instead of equality is a particularly good bargain.

Well obviously if women on here are saying they proposed to their DH - I hold my hands up and who am I to argue with their lived experience.

I have never met or heard of anyone doing this in real life though. And I don’t live in some sort of bubble - I live in London.

Nor have I ever known a friend express anxiety that she was ‘waiting around on tenterhooks’ for her DP to propose. The only thing resembling that I can think of, is one friend who came back from the Caribbean and told me she felt a bit weird because she thought her DP might have proposed while over there. But then he proposed the next week or something anyway, so no big deal.

DH and I clearly have a relationship which is totally the opposite of the OP's:

I proposed;
DH gave up work to be a SAHD when the kids were young;
I earn about 3.5x the amount he does; and
Neither of us does Valentine's!

Neither of us are very traditional. 😁

You can have equality in a relationship and romance though. The two are not mutually exclusive! Why would anyone think they can’t?

I didn't do a big proposal like get down on one knee etc to my dh, but I did tell him there was no way I'd stay with him if we weren't getting engaged. He'd asked me to move to another country with him as he had a brilliant career opportunity. We were pretty young 24/25 or so and he honestly didn't appreciate why this would be an enormous risk for me to leave my career and family behind and trail after him to another country. I said not unless we're engaged, so we got engaged. Trotted off together to the jewellers and bought a beautiful ring that day, he even spoke to my dad before we did it, which was a bit traditionalist for me, but my dad liked it .

We're very happily married, 11 years now, with two dcs. I've not had to drag him through life. He's done really well in his career and I'm about to start retraining as a teacher, which has been my dream for ages.

Tbh, the couple we are, I'd have been more weirded out and turned off by a big, fancy proposal from either of us than I was by having a pretty sensible conversation about it. We are romantic in a different way and it works for us. I don't give a shiny shit if someone online or irl doesn't find our engagement cutesie enough for their standards.

Our wedding was pretty no nonsense as well and I looked fucking fantastic in my secondhand dress from ebay . People irl were a bit judgey about me doing that, but again, meh

I’m not bothered about Valentines by the way as it’s just commercial hype. But it’s nice to get flowers anytime. He’s taking me out tonight for dinner somewhere and he’s booked that. Why not?

Did you not get a gift for your husband/partner?

Mine bought me something I would like, and I bought him something he would like..... nothing patriarchal

I dont think that Cartier got the memo about men not being allowed diamond rings either,
www.cartier.com/en-gb/jewellery/collection-jewellery/rings

@alfayruz

You can have equality in a relationship and romance though. The two are not mutually exclusive! Why would anyone think they can’t?

Of course you can have both. I'm not saying that you can't. I'm just saying that romance is poor compensation for equality if you don't have both.

The vision of relationships that you're presenting seems to be all about romance without much emphasis on equality. Personally, I think it's possible to have romance without falling back into the tired old gender stereotypes perpetuated by the patriarchy.

Do you think it cannot be romantic if a woman proposes to a man?

@alfayruz

I’m not bothered about Valentines by the way as it’s just commercial hype. But it’s nice to get flowers anytime. He’s taking me out tonight for dinner somewhere and he’s booked that. Why not?

Do you ever take him out for dinner?

No I don’t get him anything for Valentines because I know him and he genuinely doesn’t want ‘stuff’ for the sake of it. He just likes to go out for dinner and have a ‘date night’ if you can call it that.

‘Do you ever take him out for dinner?’

Well I’ve organised a few surprise things on various birthdays etc over the years, if that’s what you mean?

In the course of an ordinary conversation, my now-husband asked me if I'd ever consider marrying him. I said "of course!" 😍

6 months later, he cooked me lobster and proposed with a vintage Tiffany's engagement ring.

I said yes, we ate lobster and made sweet love on the floor in the sitting room.

Later on, someone on Mumsnet said that my ring was a waste of money and I'd never be able to sell it for its full amount when he inevitably leaves me.

Honestly, I don't even know why I still hang out with you guys! 😅

@alfayruz

‘Do you ever take him out for dinner?’

Well I’ve organised a few surprise things on various birthdays etc over the years, if that’s what you mean?

I don't really know what I mean, because in my relationship, my dh and I just go out for dinner. Neither of us "takes" the other and I am not really sure what is meant by it if I'm honest.

@PeeAche. Bloody mumsnet! I also got told frequently that I'd be abandoned for the team assistant at dh work when I was a sahm. Such a nourishing environment this 😂😂😂

My wife Made it clear she wanted to do the proposal I am an old fashioned gal so I waited ..., and waited
Fab when it happened
We obviously had talked about it and agreed we were in it for life , the proposal was just cherry on top and essential for me when I had kids xx

Oh I know what you mean Alexa. Most of the time we’re with the kids anyway. But sometimes he’ll book somewhere as a surprise and I’ll get dressed up and whatever, just for a change.

‘Bloody mumsnet! I also got told frequently that I'd be abandoned for the team assistant at dh work when I was a sahm. Such a nourishing environment this 😂😂😂’

Oh I was told the same (and I’m a SAHM). He wasn’t going to go off with a team assistant specifically, just any woman in his office would have done and it was only a matter of time apparently. You can always count on MN!

@alfayruz

‘Bloody mumsnet! I also got told frequently that I'd be abandoned for the team assistant at dh work when I was a sahm. Such a nourishing environment this 😂😂😂’

Oh I was told the same (and I’m a SAHM). He wasn’t going to go off with a team assistant specifically, just any woman in his office would have done and it was only a matter of time apparently. You can always count on MN!

I've never seen that kind of comment. And I've been here for a decade.

fluffy that's nice. I've had that exact comment directed at me in the last 18 months. If you don't believe me, meh

Wow.
How 1950s of you

Whatever the context, it's obviously nonsense.

I work in an office full of other people's husbands and I don't want to do any of them.

Most days, I don't even have the energy to do my own husband, let alone anyone else's.

But I digress. I say, let your proposal be whatever you want it to be. I enjoyed being proposed to and I love my ring.

I don't actually know any females in RL that did the proposing apart from my lesbian friends.

YABU

I proposed to DH........it was Feb 29th. We woke up together in bed and I asked him if he was going to make an honest woman of me. Done !!

You wouldn't find a man sexually attractive if he didn't propose.......that's just ridiculous.